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Porn, “lustful music” and “vulgar clothing” are lowering men’s “vibrational state,” angry New Age no-fapper declares in epic dumb rant

Lower vibrational energy

By David Futrelle

If you’ve ever wondered what the “precious bodily fluids”-obsessed General Jack D. Ripper from Dr. Strangelove would sound like if he were, like, really into crystals and auras and shit, well, he might sound a bit like this dude I found in the Semen Retention subreddit today, warning his fellow semen-retainers of the alleged spiritual war being waged against their good vibrations.

Using the weapons of “pornography, lustful music [and] vulgur [sic] clothing,” nis1997 proclaimed in his epic rant, the forces of evil have been feminizing men and “push[ing them] down into a lower vibrational version of themselves for years.” The only defense against this dastardly campaign? Men, stop wanking!

I know that’s the message of, you know, every single rant on the Semen Retention subreddit — which promotes a sort of harder-core version of NoFap. But this guy brings some real razzamatazz to his task. Let’s hear him out,

Men. Those of you on this sub must recognize that there is a war going on. A spiritual war. One that dictates the future of the human race.

Men have been feminized and pushed down into a lower vibrational version of themselves for years. The forces of evil have powerful tools at their disposal. Pornography, lustful music, vulgur clothing. These are all used to hijack the male psyche and use our drive to reproduce against us. To deplete us of our vital energy.

But something deep inside our souls calls to our concious minds. The inuition of Man (some call Him God) summons us to take our place in this world as the MEN THAT WE WERE BORN TO BE. The warriors, the beacons of light that people can rally behind.

The future belongs to men who are dedicated to this path. Dedicated to reaching their full potential.

No more weakness. No more feeling sorry for ourselves and blaming the outside world for how shitty our lives are.

We are taking a stand to fix our minds, our bodies and our souls through this beautiful practice of semen retention.

We do this so we can take back our lives. Because only then will we be in a position to give energy to the world and become MEN OF VALUE.

Follow this sub and follow the path.

Take back your energy. Take back your life. Take back your POWER.

As a card-carrying agent of the Forces of Evil, all I know is that this talk of “lustful music” has made me want to assemble a sexy little playlist. So here are some videos of some exceptionally horny songs.

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

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Naglfar
Naglfar
11 months ago

@Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Meanwhile, children’s songs seem to fall into two categories:

1. I’m going to sneakily teach you about colors/numbers/days of the week.
2. Utter nonsense.

I’ve long wondered why children can’t just listen to regular music. Why must parents play the same children’s songs when they could just play normal music for their children? I’m guessing it’s a cash grab by the record labels, but I’m not sure.

The one children’s music thing I like is the parody band Defiance of Anthropomorphic Sea Mammals from this episode of Portlandia, season 3 episode 5.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKoCb5JqznA
Sorry about the low quality, this was the only rip of it on YouTube that I could find. The whole episode is on Netflix, though.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Cat Mara,

That is some next level sealioning. How much you wanna bet that the guy is fan of Ben “debate me” Shapiro?

Dalillama
Dalillama
11 months ago

@ Buttercup

Utter nonsense

A significant percentage of those are actually 1, they just teach lessons no longer relevant. And to be fair, plenty of songs aimed at adults are also utter nonsense: I defy anyone to find coherence in I am the Walrus, there’s been hit songs called Do do do da da da, Iko Iko, and Doo wah Diddy, and scatting is only one of several subgenres of semi-improvised gibberish singing.

Naglfar
Naglfar
11 months ago

@WWTH

How much you wanna bet that the guy is fan of Ben “debate me” Shapiro?

The article says he is ostensibly a leftist. I’m betting Aimee Therese and skidmarxism are more his style.

Dalillama
Dalillama
11 months ago

@Cat Mara
Offa Rex (which the Decemberists plus folk singer Olivia Chaney) does a quite good version
https://youtu.be/AAVKy9WUzeU

Allandrel
Allandrel
11 months ago

My first pick for “lustful music:”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VO-KM25tEDA

“So keep me in your bed all day…”

Crip Dyke
11 months ago

@Buttercup:

This is so genius:

I see this all the time. Men emitting quantum packets of soy as they fall down into their lower orbital shells.

Although I might have said “losing a quantum of testosterone” or “absorbing a quantum of soy”, the basic metaphor is so fundamentally fantabulous that I’m dancing with delight anyway.

Naglfar
Naglfar
11 months ago

@Crip Dyke

Although I might have said “losing a quantum of testosterone” or “absorbing a quantum of soy”, the basic metaphor is so fundamentally fantabulous that I’m dancing with delight anyway.

Next time I eat anything with soy I will have to say that I am “absorbing a quantum of soy.” I don’t eat tofu too frequently, but maybe I should have some soon just to use the metaphor.

Not entirely sure where the alt-right obsession with soy comes from, but if I had to guess I’d say it’s probably a combination of toxic masculine connections to meat and a misunderstanding of what phytoestrogen means.

Jesalin, Goddess of Lust & Pleasure
Jesalin, Goddess of Lust & Pleasure
11 months ago

Not entirely sure where the alt-right obsession with soy comes from, but if I had to guess I’d say it’s probably a combination of toxic masculine connections to meat and a misunderstanding of what phytoestrogen means.

You would be 100% correct.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
11 months ago

@Crip Dyke – why, thank you! Your version is much better, and elegantly supports the theory of conservation of soy and testosterone.

Nofappers, of course, absorb quanta of scrotal woo, and emit toxic bullshit.

Moggie
Moggie
11 months ago

@Buttercup:

Men emitting quantum packets of soy as they fall down into their lower orbital shells.

Also known as beta radiation.

Kevin
Kevin
11 months ago

Well there is one simple way to avoid having nocturnal emissions and even much of the urge to have a wank under most circumstances. Get a lot older.

Trust me on this.

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
11 months ago

@Moggie: <groan>

@Kevin: I can think of a shortcut, but I guarantee those nofappers wouldn’t like it.

Kevin
Kevin
11 months ago

@ Surplus

It would probably do them a favour though. I understand stats indicate that eunuchs usually lived longer than men who hadn’t undergone that groinal trim.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
11 months ago

@Buttercup Q. S.

Men have been feminized and pushed down into a lower vibrational version of themselves.

I see this all the time. Men emitting quantum packets of soy as they fall down into their lower orbital shells.

Are you talking about those little packets of soy sauce that you get with sushi to go? Because I’ve seen that too. The worst part is that the packets can’t be recycled.

A. Noyd
A. Noyd
11 months ago

Buttercup Q. Skullpants says:

Meanwhile, children’s songs seem to fall into two categories:

This is such a thorn in my side. As a teacher, I’d be all for the sneaky teaching ones, but they’re often just a little too far off of the curriculum I have to teach. And since I’m already crunched for time, I can’t spare any for songs that aren’t right on the mark.

The nonsense ones, though fun, often have very complex, non-standard or antiquated grammar. And/or the topics are 100 years out of date. This makes them fucking awful for teaching English as a foreign language to beginners, especially since kids like knowing what they’re singing. (Row Row Row Your Boat was a huge hit once I explained the lyrics.)

So I use karaoke versions of familiar kids songs and make up my own lyrics a lot. The upside is that the songs are sensible, completely relevant and (relatively) easily learned. Sometimes they’re even amusing. The downside is that I am horrible at singing, so the students have to suffer through my awful attempts to demonstrate the lyrics.

Moggie
Moggie
11 months ago

Daniel Craig stars in Quantum of Soy, a bold new direction for the Bond franchise.

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
11 months ago

@Dalillama:

I defy anyone to find coherence in I am the Walrus,

My understanding is that this was deliberate. That song was written at the height of the conspiracy theory that Paul McCartney was actually dead and replaced by a look-a-like, and people were scouring Beatles songs for clues to prove this. It was written deliberately as ‘let’s see them find any actual meaning in this one’.

@A. Noyd, others:
One member of a choir I used to belong to had discovered that the old madrigal “Your shining eyes and golden hair, your lily-rosed lips so fair” scanned perfectly to “I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I Am”, and used to get kindergartners to sing that for music lessons.

As for 100 years out of date… I note that these days, aside from ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Bat’, every one of the parody poems written by Lewis Carroll for Alice in Wonderland is now better known than the original it was parodying, because most of the original children’s poems were pretentious Victorian moralizing that was tired and boring at the time.

Hambeast
Hambeast
11 months ago

Zevon is a mixed bag, for sure. But when he goes dark and quirky, it just works. Mr. Bad Example anyone?

Tovius
11 months ago

@Jenora Feuer
I originally mistook that for a line from Jolene, but it sort of scans to that too.

Rhuu - apparently an illiterati
Rhuu - apparently an illiterati
11 months ago

RE: Children’s music – Important news I learned today and now must share…

October 8th is Skinnamarink day!!! (link to a CBC article on skinnamarink and turning it into a book, where I learned this Important Day.)

From the article:

Sharon: “We were not looking to educate anybody. We were looking to bring music into the lives of children and their families so that they could enjoy it and take it as their own. That was our goal, but we always chose good songs. They had to appeal to us first of all.

“There were lessons along the way, but that was not the goal. A message where a child and a parent are saying ‘I love you’ to each other — there’s nothing bad about that.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHfe2bmWaFo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPdV8jXAjUQ

(we’ll see if those embed)

Sometimes children’s music is what it is because lyrics need to be easy for kids to remember so they can enjoy singing. And kids love gross things, silly things, and nonsense things, so that might explain a lot of the songs.

Speaking of children’s music though… I WISH I could remember WHICH GROUP it was who, in the 90s in western Canada, was all about dinosaurs. I can’t tell you how much I loved dinosaurs, and I loved this tape, but my parents seem to have lost it!

I can remember one of their songs that was like… A guided storytelling thing where they introduced dinosaurs (“Let’s go back, back back back” or something like that) and another one where the chorus was different names of dinosaurs.

I can remember (trying to emulate how they were sung) “pah-chy-cephalo-SAU-rus” and “triii-cera-tops.”

I’ve tried googling, but it seems like this is forever going to be lost to the sands of time and my fuzzy memory. Ah well!

Tom Rogers
Tom Rogers
11 months ago

Here’s a tune to get in the mood:

Skye
Skye
11 months ago

Sorry, to necro the thread, but @Rhuu could you be thinking about They Might be Giants? They did an album called “I Love Science ” which has a song about paleontology on it.

My family (kids included) and I like them a lot

Rhuu - apparently an illiterati
Rhuu - apparently an illiterati
11 months ago

@Skye – Thank you for you effort! But no, it was definitely a children’s group. My parents probably would have enjoyed going to a They Might Be Giants concert a lot more than the kids ones they took us to!

(They are stars, I should thank them for doing that when I speak to them next.)

I remembered a little more about it, though! There was one song where they said the word ‘dinosaur’ four times, with four different inflections, with a space left for the kids to echo it back. IIRC, the first time was just ‘dinosaur’, the second time was ‘dinosaur?’ the third time was “(scared) dinosaur”, and the last time was (aggressive) DINOSAUR!!!!”

This song, at least, I remember a female voice singing.

I think they had us do hand gestures at the concert… I remember that vaguely.

related:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXD7YOoHpAs

I need to listen to more of their albums, I love this one. 😀

Skye
Skye
11 months ago

@Rhuu, ah, I see. I’m sorry I couldn’t help. It does sound like a fun kids song. 😊

Yes, that album and Flood too. 😊