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“The removal of the locking briefcase from civil society was a feminist conspiracy,” right-wing grifter Jacob Wohl declares

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By David Futrelle

Right-wing grifter Jacob Wohl may not be big on honesty, or integrity, or “not breaking the law,” but he apparently feels very strongly about privacy — at least his own, and that of men cheating on their partners and/or going to hockey games.

In a recent Instagram post, Wohl offered a strangely impassioned defense of the locking briefcase, declaring that its current unfashionableness is the result of a dastardly feminist plot against, I guess, men who want to keep their affairs hidden from their wives or girlfriends.

jacobawohl
I use a locking briefcase. Whenever I walk through an airport or an office building with it, people stop and compliment it. They say “Wow! you never see those anymore” — The removal of the locking briefcase from civil society was a feminist conspiracy. Back in old days, if a man had an extra cell phone, it would go in the briefcase when he got home. Love note from his secretary? Locking briefcase. Hockey tickets along the ice for him and his friends? Locking briefcase. Thanks to the feminists, men are now expected to carry around a soft, suede bag (preferably in a feminine color). It’s time for men to take their privacy back. Get a locking briefcase today! P.S. NEW BLOG POST (link in bio)

Wohl, who used to portray himself as a finance whiz, is currently facing felony charges in California for alleged “unlawful sale of securities,” so it’s not hard to see why he might want to keep a whole lot of things about his life secret.

H/T — @AsherLangton, who reposted Wohl’s little manifesto on Twitter

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Rhuu - apparently an illiterati
Rhuu - apparently an illiterati
2 years ago

I was thinking about how briefcases aren’t really a thing anymore the other day, and I concluded it was for the same reason I haaaate clutches. I like having both hands free.

Backpacks 4 life.

Also, did we have cellphones (extras of them?) and locking briefcases at the same time???

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
2 years ago

Apparently, this gobshite has never heard of dual-SIM phones…

kupo
kupo
2 years ago

I, too, remember back in the 1950s when locking briefcases were all the rage and we would put our extra cell phones in them.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

I used to have a rather nice Samsonite briefcase, until one day feminists held me down and replaced it with a pink handbag. It’s not even a real Givenchy, just a knock-off!

numerobis
numerobis
2 years ago

I take it you need a locking briefcase to hike the Appalachian Trail?

Robert Haynie
Robert Haynie
2 years ago

Okay. Something kinda seemed off about this. So, I decided to hit up Amazon (Because they sell everything but souls, and some have concerns about that) and checked on briefcases.

With almost nary an exception, true briefcases (The things with shoulder straps are more properly called messenger bags) all had one thing in common.

They had locks. Most had two. Some had three. They ranged from simple keys to multiple digit combination to one I honestly couldn’t identify. So, for that matter, did a fair number of the above mentioned messenger bags, and those that didn’t could easily be locked by buying a goddam lock and putting it on the bag.

Mr. Wohl, I have to wonder where you live and work where they have vanished, because they’re certainly still here.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

You know where his locking briefcase gets the most compliments? Hipster coffee shops.

Egret
Egret
2 years ago

I have an old-timey Samsonite suitcase with locks that I lug along hwen I travel; my hands are locked in a claw position and beet red by the time I get through security. I like the “aesthetic” but it is a miserable experience.

mothkiller
mothkiller
2 years ago

Papers giving evidence of your fraudulent actions? Locking briefcase.

My question is, how did this feminist conspiracy even accomplish this? It has to be by convincing people to switch right? You can still buy a locking briefcase. So the task of subtly changing the purchasing behavior of millions of Americans is really hard. I imagine the leaders of this conspiracy would be courted by the heads of marketing companies pulling off this feat would be like their holy grail.

Not Edward
Not Edward
2 years ago

I suspect no-one uses briefcases any more because no-one uses paper files any more. Hasn’t he heard of laptops?

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

I prefer messenger/duffel bags on my shoulder. Keeps my hands free and IMO is more stylish than a backpack or briefcase.
I own a locking briefcase that I bought at a rummage sale a while ago, but never use it because it’s too big and unwieldy (about the size of a large suitcase but without wheels, just a handle). I also have a locking guitar case that looks rather like an elongated briefcase, but much bigger to hold an electric guitar. Mysteriously, these were not confiscated by the feminist conspiracy.
I’ll keep an eye out for the briefcase confiscation squads, though. Hopefully they won’t take the guitar case and force me to use a soft case. /s

I would guess the reason briefcases fell out of fashion has more to do with the fact that people carry less to work now that a lot is digital, and that it’s uncomfortable to carry them with one hand. I’m not much for them, but if Mr. Wohl wants to use a briefcase, he can knock himself out. Hopefully it contains evidence which can be used to convict him and send him to prison, where he can instead go to the hipster prison dining hall.
The only person I’ve known to carry a briefcase in the last few years was a teacher I had in high school, who circa 2012 still carried a steel locking briefcase.

@Rhuu

Also, did we have cellphones (extras of them?) and locking briefcases at the same time???

Maybe he’s talking about this:comment image
If you have one of those, you will likely need a bag or briefcase of some sort to carry it in, as it probably won’t fit in your pocket.
The other thing to note is that Jacob Wohl is 21. Cell phones have been around his whole life, so he probably doesn’t remember a time without them.

@Not Edward

Hasn’t he heard of laptops?

You’d think he’d have seen some in the hipster coffee shops he frequents.

Aleks
Aleks
2 years ago

Yes, women did away with locking briefcases. Which is why every high-ranking British politician gets a locking despatch box with government papers, including the Queen. A woman. Dear God, how can that be? Women killed locking work cases for everyone everywhere, especially teh menz, yet women politicians get them. How is this possible??

If you need to lock your work up so that your spouse can’t see it, either you have a super high security clearance and better not drag sensitive documents home, or you’re a sketchy asshole and your spouse knows it. Possibly a criminal. Just like Wohl, here.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

OT, but this is too good not to post: I (21M) laughed at my girlfriend’s (21F) use of Microsoft Powerpoint during sex. How do I rekindle our relationship?

I really shouldn’t kink-shame, but I can’t tolerate Powerpoint use.

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

@Moggie
PowerPoint fetish? That’s a new one. I know about Wikipedia use during sex, though:
comment image

Yutolia the Laissez-Fairy Pronoun Boner
Yutolia the Laissez-Fairy Pronoun Boner
2 years ago

Whenever I have locking things, I happily lock them just because I can… then I promptly lose the keys.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

@Yutolia, briefcase locks are rarely any good. I’ve picked a couple, and my lockpicking skills suck.

Do lawyers still use briefcases? Lil Jacob’s father is a lawyer, and he’s desperate to be a grown-up like daddy.

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

@Moggie
Don’t know about most lawyers, but I just texted a friend who is a lawyer to ask if she uses a briefcase. She does not.

But she does have 2 cellphones, so one wonders where she puts her other phone.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

@Naglfar, she probably has an associate carry all her stuff.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Love notes from your secretary? Somehow I don’t think he’s going to have to worry about that.

You know what else you don’t see much of anymore? Locking diaries. Did the feminist conspiracy destroy those too? Even though they were marketed at girls?

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

@ moggie

Do lawyers still use briefcases?

There’s a rather weird convention that barristers don’t use briefcases. Which is especially ironic bearing in mind the derivation of the name.

Some people do of course; but technically we’re supposed to use these things.

https://www.stanley-ley.co.uk/acatalog/barrister-bag.html

The tradition is that the bags are supposed to be a gift from a more senior barrister.

I’ve always just used an assortment of rucksacks though.

Talonknife
Talonknife
2 years ago

I tend to assume any locking briefcase I see is full of stacks of hundred dollar bills that somehow fill up the volume of the briefcase perfectly.

Full Metal Ox
2 years ago

@weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee:

You know what else you don’t see much of anymore? Locking diaries. Did the feminist conspiracy destroy those too? Even though they were marketed at girls?

Mind if I use that as a springboard to launch a grumble (admittedly culturally dated) about the arbitrary gendering of things you wouldn’t think would need to be?

Some years ago, a young man of my acquaintance requested a diary for his eighth birthday; what I found in the way of cover patterns were flowers, kittens, cosmetic and women’s fashion items, female-targeted licensed characters, and pastel color schemes out the wazoo. (Note that if he were himself okay with such motifs, I wouldn’t have hesitated to get him some.) It took me a mile-and-a-half walk and no fewer than eight stores to find something that wasn’t stereotypically “girly”, settling for an anchor upon a ground of blue-and-white stripes.

Way to encourage boys to Use Their Words.

Lainy
Lainy
2 years ago

Briefcases use to have locks on them?

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

@Full Metal Ox

Way to encourage boys to Use Their Words.

It’s also hard for people who are gender nonconforming or who are of a certain gender but not interested in those things. My younger sister always found it annoying when she was younger that everything she was given (diaries, toys, books, etc) had sparkles and princesses when she was instead into sports and yaks.

@Lainy
Yes, and a lot still do. I somewhat doubt the quality of the locks, but they are there.

Specialffrog
Specialffrog
2 years ago

@Moggie: you could argue that a PowerPoint fetish is a form of masochism.

Lainy
Lainy
2 years ago

@Naglfar

That’s kind of interesting. The only bag with a lock on it I’ve ever had is the counterfeit bag my fiancé got me in East Asia. And let me tell you I love my Guddi bag, it makes me laugh every time I see it.

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
2 years ago

OT, but here is some more fascinating linguistic nerdery, this time with a nexus to things closer to topical here, to wit, segregation:

https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/the-enduring-mystery-of-jawn-philadelphias-allpurpose-noun

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
2 years ago

Thanks to the feminists, men are now expected to carry around a soft, suede bag (preferably in a feminine color).

Oh, absolutely. I worked on that campaign (codename: cottoncandypink4bizmen). It’s been incredibly successful. Sometimes, as Moggie pointed out, force was involved:

I used to have a rather nice Samsonite briefcase, until one day feminists held me down and replaced it with a pink handbag. It’s not even a real Givenchy, just a knock-off!

(@Moggie: The feminists are not made of money.)

By and large, however, most men were willing to relinquish their locking briefcases in exchange for soft handbags. I’m guessing that our Active Bitch Faces frightened them.

Bina
2 years ago

Pretty sure no one’s ever left a love note in his briefcase, if he even has one.

Not in any way, shape, or form.

PS: I have a locking briefcase. With a combination lock I can set and reset as I please. In a tasteful color combo, even!

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
2 years ago

On a more disturbing note, I came across this today:

https://www.salon.com/2019/06/21/psychiatrist-john-gartner-two-years-ago-i-compared-trump-to-hitler-people-didnt-believe-me/

Seriously wondering if Putin has kompromat on Pelosi these days …

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
2 years ago

Proof, if any were needed, that PowerPoint Ruins Everything™.

Coincidentally, I just saw this Reddit relationships post; this one is altogether more sinister:

https://mobile.twitter.com/redditships/status/1174739333607297030

Anyone else getting a big PUA vibe off that?

Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
2 years ago

The other thing to note is that Jacob Wohl is 21. Cell phones have been around his whole life, so he probably doesn’t remember a time without them.

For someone that young, early cellphone era is ancient history, just like the fabled golden age of men carrying briefcases. No wonder he (perhaps anachronistically) blends then together.

It’s the perfect encapsulation of rightwing social media grifter: a man in his 20s who talks like he’s an expert on “good old days”.

Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
2 years ago

I always lug my stuff around in a canvas shopping bag, but I do own a locking briefcase. I built it in my teens in a school craft class. It’s made from cheap wood materials and metal/plastic components. It’s ugly as hell, and seems highly impractical for transporting purposes.

In short order, I started keeping my early fetish toy collection in the briefcase, which I kept somewhat discreetly placed in my room. Unfortunately, I didn’t bother to keep the briefcase locked all the time. So naturally, at one point, my baby sister and her friend went snooping on it.

Long story short, I blame this breach of privacy on modern feminism.

Kereea
Kereea
2 years ago

My dad’s briefcases always lock. He doesn’t use them most of the time because he prefers leather satchels for work (hands free!) but if he’s dealing with sensitive stuff, the briefcase with locks comes out.

Shadowplay
2 years ago

Parents bought me a rather nice briefcase with combi locks when I turned 21. It were just one of those “traditional” gifts, and, being in the army, it were one of the more useless presents I’ve received.

It kicked around the house, gathering dust, until the second eldest decided it were a suitable for her makeup and refitted the internals to suit. She still has it.

moregeekthan
moregeekthan
2 years ago

A public service announcement to those using locking briefcases to hide stuff from their SO:

If your SO is not one to snoop, you don’t need the lock. If they are, they already know your combination. 100%

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Lumipuna,

I saw someone on Twitter say that the key to being a successful right wing grifter is to be a millenial who talks just like a baby boomer. I think that’s pretty accurate. It must give conservative boomers hope that they’re not out of touch and their ideology not demographically doomed after all.

Side note, it always weirds me out how teen conservatives always dress like they’re middle aged business people. It disturbs me to see teenagers desperately emulating authority instead of challenging it like teens are supposed to.

Katamount
2 years ago

…m’kay, so I might not be the most professional of mountain lions. I don’t wear pressed shirts or suits or ties to the office, just a nice collared polo shirt and slacks. As such, I don’t carry a briefcase, just a backpack where I can carry my lunchpail and my windbreaker if it gets cold or rainy.

I say all this because I do not know what current protocols govern briefcases, but since when have they not had a lock on them???

Doethreetwoone
Doethreetwoone
2 years ago

re Lawyers and Briefcases,

At least where I practice, most counsel have some sort of locking document carrier.

Usually, they are only used when going to court b/c one can assume that their office is secure. Some lawyers use satchels, some use briefcases etc, the important thing is that you can lock it to ensure that a client’s confidentiality is maintained at all times.

I will use a locking bag when I take work home; not because my S/O is going to pry, but because I have small (and inquisitive) children who could easily get into client documents if I’m not careful.

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

@WWTH

I saw someone on Twitter say that the key to being a successful right wing grifter is to be a millenial who talks just like a baby boomer. I think that’s pretty accurate. It must give conservative boomers hope that they’re not out of touch and their ideology not demographically doomed after all.

Right wing grifters also need to act like they are from some sort of nonexistent silent majority of young conservatives.
It also seems to help if they are some sort of minority (Jewish, black, gay) so that conservatives can use them as a shield against accusations of antisemitism/racism/homophobia/etc. For example, Ben Shapiro, Candace Owens, Milo Yiannopoulos.

Side note, it always weirds me out how teen conservatives always dress like they’re middle aged business people. It disturbs me to see teenagers desperately emulating authority instead of challenging it like teens are supposed to.

I also find that kind of weird. Not as weird as the fact that the same people support policies that will ruin their lives, but weird.
I think most teen conservative are simply brainwashed. They don’t know that they are choosing the policies that are worst for them.

sarah_kay_gee
sarah_kay_gee
2 years ago

Apparently I mocked lil’ Jacob one too many times on Instagram, because he appears to have blocked me. *sniff* I’m so proud!

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

@sarah_kay_gee

Apparently I mocked lil’ Jacob one too many times on Instagram, because he appears to have blocked me. *sniff* I’m so proud!

Congratulations! What did you say to him that made him do that?

Moon_custafer
2 years ago

@weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

it always weirds me out how teen conservatives always dress like they’re middle aged business people.

It annoys me, because I like vintage menswear, but I’ve become wary of any masculine-of-centre person I see wearing it in public, unless they’re over sixty.

I’m also puzzled by this guy’s description of contemporary men’s satchels as being made of suede. At least in my experience, they tend to be either leather or tightly-woven nylon.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

OT: do you want to see a perfect tweet? Here’s a perfect tweet. It helps if you know who Cary Elwes is, but of course you do.

Drungarios
Drungarios
2 years ago

I used a locking briefcase for work all the time-I had to frequently transport sensitive documents in hard-copy. Bought it at Office Depot, pretty sure they still sell them. I’ll admit it was unwieldy at times, even if it looked badass. I still have it, too.

mothkiller
mothkiller
2 years ago

@Moggie

A remake of Princess Bride? Oh god no! No no no. That is the worst idea ever. All I can imagine is that somehow Prince Humperdinck has someone come to life and taken over Sony in a play to recast himself as the hero.

Amtep
Amtep
2 years ago

Aha, this was the final piece of the puzzle. I’ve this bit to everything else I’ve learned from the incel and MRA forums, and I can now conclude that the entirety of human civilization turns out to be a feminist plot.

Cities, agriculture, medicine? Feminists. Exploration, metalworking, technology? Feminists. Ethics, philosophy, literature? Definitely feminists. It’s all a plot. If it were up to men, they’d still be hunting mammoths.

Of course, this also means that men can’t take credit for any of it. Feminist plot, remember.

Diego Duarte
Diego Duarte
2 years ago

Re: Lawyers and briefcases

I use messenger bags. And I mean bags in plural because the metal hinges on the strap keep on breaking and I keep on needing to replace them.

I thought myself clever when I bought an expensive one with thick metal hinges, but then the motion and weight of documents and my laptop eventually wore it down.

It is now held by zip ties, because the rest of the bag is in excellent condition and I absolutely refuse to throw it away just because the hinges broke.

https://imgur.com/hgHkDch

Aaron
Aaron
2 years ago

Is Jacob Wohl even old enough to old to jail?