By David Futrelle
These days, fascism rears its ugly little head in the strangest of places. And there are few places stranger than the home of my favorite Reddit subculture — the Semen Retention subreddit, where men go to talk about their hobby of not ejaculating ever because this gives them magical powers or some shit.
Well, one devout semen-retaining Redditor called RepresentativeSlide5 has taken the weird elitism of the SR community to its logical extreme, arguing that we should “expend with” our current politicians and institute some sort of “fanatical militaristic eco fascist autocracy” ruled over by “fanatical SR practicers.” Basically, General Jack T. Ripper from Dr. Strangelove as President for life.
As Mr. Slide5 sees it, politicians today are basically sex-having perverts who are probably all being blackmailed by evil forces — and yes, he does mean Teh Jews — to do their evil bidding.
A huge reason western world is subverted is a certain class of people have blackmail on nearly everyone in political power and it probably extends to much of corporate business world and other shadier ventures. The Epstein revelations, what we found out, show this. A lot of politicos have perversions that are taken advantage of, videos are made, they are then threatened to toe the line of their handlers or their info is leaked and lives ruined.
The solution? A new generation of unblackmailable semen retainers of “unwavering virtue” who never touch their own dicks and don’t let anyone else near them either! (Apparently Mr. Slide5 thinks only those with dicks, albeit untouched dicks, should be in politics.)
When one of Mr. Slide5’s colleagues suggests gently that semen retention does not automatically give one moral superiority over other human beings, he responds indignantly:
It is a necessary step to unwavering virtue How can a degenerate alcohol drinking compulsive masturbator or sex feind be a good leader?
I am ready to pledge alleigance to a fanatical militaristic eco fascist autocracy with clear distinctions between lifestyle of ruling class vs masses if the masses refuse to change.
He’s also not a big fan of littering.
Last night i went for a walk with my mother and the local park was filled with refuse and alcohol cans discarded and fast food wrappers and visiting recreational sports team swearing crapping up the place Moral superirority is quite simple to achieve over these peoples
It’s not altogether clear how the new semen retaining overlords will deal with any possible sexual indiscretions of theirs that happened before they started walking down the no-sex, no-wanking path of righteousness. Even Mr. Slide5 admits he used to be something of a perv — and that it was all the fault of a movie about pie-fucking that he saw at a critical point in his life.
“My entire personal downfall rested on dysfunctional notions of sexual self,” he confesses.
I pinpoint my perversions right back to hollywood (((movie))) American Pie, which trivialised sex and masturbation
I can only imagine what sort of pie-related perversities he got up to during his younger years.
While many of Mr. Slide5’s retainer buds think he’s onto something, some commenting on his post see the world as too far gone for this sort of political, er, reform. As one commenter puts it
If you focus on the corrupt politics, you just gave them all your energy. What if …
We are in the 3rd density matter animal kingdom, so either you raise yourself up and knock the weak beast away from you, or you go down with it. Change yourself, 85 percent wont get this and follow the beast in the pit.
Another suggests that the real problem is — could it be? — Satan.
Yes you are correct but due to the current state of human consciousness that will not happen any time soon.
This is Satan’s world after all and all the semen in the world won’t make us angels again.
Ix-nay on the angel-yay ukkakke-bay I guess.
Despite the naysayers, Mr. Slide5 remains undaunted as well as unwanked.
Of course we cannot be angels except in trying but in this world of eternal struggle it is noble to try. Despite all the emptiness of the material world, I feel drawn to change it. It doesn’t matter that we won’t collectively wake up anytime soon, there is still work to be done.
I for one do not welcome our new semen-filled overlords.
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If semen retainers take over the government, does that mean that instead of the president sending out stupid tweets about random people he doesn’t like, we’ll instead see lots of tweets about how all the women are supposedly drawn toward the semen retainer in chief? Or about whether they broke their streaks?
Related: Would there be a semen retention equivalent for those with vaginas? Vaginal mucus retainers?
My heart breaks for the mom. Imagine 9 months of pain, cravings, can barely get around then hours long labor just to pop out a redditer whose obsessed with semen and jews.
I can see this leading to more blackmail, not less.
So a politician says they are a semen retainer – how do you actually know the politician is doing this? Are they under video surveillance at all times? A politician who claimed to be semen retaining but is actually not is very blackmail-able.
Women don’t produce semen. They never ejaculate.
Therefore, they should run the world.
Irrefutable logic.
This guy sounds a little like Rorschach.
The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll look down and whisper “No.”
“Last night i went for a walk with my mother”
This is what is known as a “clue”…
Some nights I wake up to find the cat playing with the tag on my underpants.
It’s neutering time.
I know they want a government of the semen retainers, by the semen retainers, for the semen retainers, but the semen retainers shall perish from the Earth due to their lack of reproduction. Seriously, I’m not sure how they think reproduction would work in this state.
Also, I still don’t know what these people do about nocturnal emissions. Presumably a politician would be removed from office whenever this happens.
Why am I not surprised that they’re self-identified fascists?
@Teabug
WTF?
Trivial aside: it’s Jack D. Ripper.
Now, that’s a phrase I never thought I would read…
I would be ROFLMAO if this were the Onion. Reality has gotten far too weird for me.
@Luzbelitx – Ha, I was just about to comment something like that.
Also, I have no idea what this is supposed to mean:
3rd density? What is it the third of? Why am I asking these questions??
This guy would be further ahead advocating Toronto Argonauts fans should seize power. There are probably more of them than there are nofappers.
Does gender matter in this weird world he is describing?
It seems to be a rallying call for a government of non masturbating asexuals. Asexuals unite! ✊
/s
First they came for… well, actually, they never came. They never came at all, that was part of the problem.
I interpreted it to mean “3-dimensional, matter-based, animalistic world” (i.e. “meatspace”), as opposed to some higher plane of consciousness that he no doubt believes one will “raise up” or ascend to once one stops giving their “energy”, as embodied in semen, away.
But then again, I have been listening to too much Alex Jones, by way of the excellent takedown podcast Knowledge Fight. And Jones believes in* 12 dimensions.
*rather, he believes that the “elitist globalists” believe in 12 dimensions. It’s complicated.
Sounds like a speech from a very weird porno.
First they came for American Pie, and I did not speak out, for I’m saving the blackmail until they actually gain some power.
@Ariblester : there’s some physical theory where saying there is 12 dimensions and we only feel 4 of them make sense. (even if thoses theories seem to be losing steam)
But why would that cause a problem to anyone ? In which way thinking there are 4 dimensions, or 12, or 72, or 1, make any difference for government or is a manipulation ?
(the link is broken)
@Ohlmann
Well, string theory posits 9 dimensions. These conspiracy theory types appear to have been influenced by the new age alternative medicine types in that they don’t seem to understand what a dimension is. The existence of higher dimensions (for us or for the globalists) wouldn’t really have much of an effect politically, but these people seem to confuse dimension with parallel universe.
Though if there were only 1 dimension the world would be very different. Read Edwin Abbott Abbott’s Flatland for a humorous yet enlightening discussion of dimensions.
@The Honorable RepresentativeSlide5
Dear Mr. Slide5:
I write to you today to address several points in your manifesto.
The feminist government in exile has already pledged allegiance to eco, with clear distinctions between the lifestyles of the members of the ruling class vs. the masses for any members of the ruling class who refuse to change their shortsighted, greedy, criminal treatment of this planet. We reject militarism, fascism, and autocracy.
We don’t consider this stance fanatical, just common sense.
As you can see, we differ with you in some ways. In other ways, our viewpoints overlap.
We wish you the best with your anti-littering campaign.
Sincerely,
Ambassador Kat (feminist government in exile)
Oops, sorry, here it is. I probably shouldn’t try to write <a> tags by hand.
https://medium.com/@whileseated/false-holograms-psychic-vampires-crystal-balls-living-forever-a-transcription-a3b88301f257
@Ariblester
That was…an interesting read. If nobody listened to Alex Jones, he would be hilarious. Unfortunately, millions of Americans believe him. The same would be true of Trump.
There’s just so many things wrong with everything he says. Trying to do a takedown would be difficult simply because how much there is.