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NoFap Fascism: Semen-retaining Redditor wants government of, by, and for the semen retainers

“He Won’t Give Them His Essence”

By David Futrelle

These days, fascism rears its ugly little head in the strangest of places. And there are few places stranger than the home of my favorite Reddit subculture — the Semen Retention subreddit, where men go to talk about their hobby of not ejaculating ever because this gives them magical powers or some shit.

Well, one devout semen-retaining Redditor called RepresentativeSlide5 has taken the weird elitism of the SR community to its logical extreme, arguing that we should “expend with” our current politicians and institute some sort of “fanatical militaristic eco fascist autocracy” ruled over by “fanatical SR practicers.” Basically, General Jack T. Ripper from Dr. Strangelove as President for life.

As Mr. Slide5 sees it, politicians today are basically sex-having perverts who are probably all being blackmailed by evil forces — and yes, he does mean Teh Jews — to do their evil bidding.

A huge reason western world is subverted is a certain class of people have blackmail on nearly everyone in political power and it probably extends to much of corporate business world and other shadier ventures. The Epstein revelations, what we found out, show this. A lot of politicos have perversions that are taken advantage of, videos are made, they are then threatened to toe the line of their handlers or their info is leaked and lives ruined.

The solution? A new generation of unblackmailable semen retainers of “unwavering virtue” who never touch their own dicks and don’t let anyone else near them either! (Apparently Mr. Slide5 thinks only those with dicks, albeit untouched dicks, should be in politics.)

When one of Mr. Slide5’s colleagues suggests gently that semen retention does not automatically give one moral superiority over other human beings, he responds indignantly:

It is a necessary step to unwavering virtue How can a degenerate alcohol drinking compulsive masturbator or sex feind be a good leader?

I am ready to pledge alleigance to a fanatical militaristic eco fascist autocracy with clear distinctions between lifestyle of ruling class vs masses if the masses refuse to change.

He’s also not a big fan of littering.

Last night i went for a walk with my mother and the local park was filled with refuse and alcohol cans discarded and fast food wrappers and visiting recreational sports team swearing crapping up the place Moral superirority is quite simple to achieve over these peoples

It’s not altogether clear how the new semen retaining overlords will deal with any possible sexual indiscretions of theirs that happened before they started walking down the no-sex, no-wanking path of righteousness. Even Mr. Slide5 admits he used to be something of a perv — and that it was all the fault of a movie about pie-fucking that he saw at a critical point in his life.

“My entire personal downfall rested on dysfunctional notions of sexual self,” he confesses.

I pinpoint my perversions right back to hollywood (((movie))) American Pie, which trivialised sex and masturbation

I can only imagine what sort of pie-related perversities he got up to during his younger years.

While many of Mr. Slide5’s retainer buds think he’s onto something, some commenting on his post see the world as too far gone for this sort of political, er, reform. As one commenter puts it

If you focus on the corrupt politics, you just gave them all your energy. What if …

We are in the 3rd density matter animal kingdom, so either you raise yourself up and knock the weak beast away from you, or you go down with it. Change yourself, 85 percent wont get this and follow the beast in the pit.

Another suggests that the real problem is — could it be? — Satan.

Yes you are correct but due to the current state of human consciousness that will not happen any time soon.

This is Satan’s world after all and all the semen in the world won’t make us angels again.

Ix-nay on the angel-yay ukkakke-bay I guess.

Despite the naysayers, Mr. Slide5 remains undaunted as well as unwanked.

Of course we cannot be angels except in trying but in this world of eternal struggle it is noble to try. Despite all the emptiness of the material world, I feel drawn to change it. It doesn’t matter that we won’t collectively wake up anytime soon, there is still work to be done.

I for one do not welcome our new semen-filled overlords.

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

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Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago

To earn a few more annoying vegan points; but to tie in with the thread; a friend of ours had a run-in with Infowars recently.

It was surprisingly civilised.

tim gueguen
1 year ago

I suspect it’s 50/50 whether Jones believes any specific piece of nonsense he might be pushing on a particular show.

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
1 year ago

@Naglfar:
The problem with folks like Jones, or Mike Adams (the ‘Health Ranger’) and other such folks, is that while they often start with just playing a character to make a buck (Mike Adams started as a Y2K prepper) they often end up making the character so much of their personal identity that it gets hard to tell later on. Even if it’s still a character (not a guarantee), it’s all about kayfabe; you don’t break character where anyone can see.

And, honestly, whether they’re doing it for the money, for the adrenaline rush and adulation of their supporters, or because they truly believe it, they’re still doing a lot of damage and need to be stopped. It doesn’t really matter; in none of those three cases are you likely to argue them out of it so long as they’re getting what they want.

One of my favourite quotes:

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.

— Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Night

Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
1 year ago

Well, Jones’ lawyer certainly argued that in Jones’ post-divorce custody proceedings two years ago. Or, at least, that he’s an ‘performance artist’ and what he says on the show shouldn’t be taken seriously because he’s just playing a character. This was done basically in order to paint him as less personally dangerous so he wouldn’t lose custody of his children. The argument didn’t work out so well for him.

Did the proceedings specifically say the problem was him acting like a rage maniac on TV?

I started suspecting long ago that he might actually sometimes pull these rage fits in his private interactions in order to manipulate/intimidate someone (like his family), and the reason of his custody fight was misreported to the public. That’d easily explain why he lost the custody.

Another possibility could be that he’s genuinely uncontrollably volatile, including in his private life.

Moon_custafer
Moon_custafer
1 year ago

@Naglfar

What I meant was that Jones and his fellow conspiracy theorists are still around. You’d think that if they were revealing the agenda of a secret global conspiracy, said global conspiracy would be getting rid of them to avoid the “truth” getting out.

I mean, I suppose if I were running a conspiracy, I’d actively encourage, if not plant, the more easily-debunkable conspiracy theories, so that if anyone legitimately figured out and tried to reveal what I was up to, most people would just roll their eyes and mutter “another crazy conspiracy theorist.” (Google “the butts match” for a fannish imagining of Batman using this to preempt any speculation that he might be Bruce Wayne)

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
1 year ago

@Moon_custafer:
Oh, other conspiracy theorists have accused Alex Jones of being a false flag dupe to make them look bad in the past. So whether or not that has happened, people think it has.

numerobis
numerobis
1 year ago

Yutolia: exactly, semen retention claims are the most blackmailable claims ever.

The few times I did an interview for a security clearance (as a reference for friends), one question I found particularly interesting was whether X drank alcohol. When I answered no, the interviewer asked if X could be blackmailed about drinking alcohol. I answered no, no, they openly talk about how they’d like to but it gives them migraines.

Whether they were sinful wasn’t the issue, it was whether they could be blackmailed.

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
1 year ago

Sort of OT, but since it involves misogyny and politics, this seems to be the right thread.

Anyway, so I hear that Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson called Jeremy Corbyn “a big girl’s blouse” in the House of Commons yesterday.

I get that this is some sort of insult, but could a Brit decipher it for me? Even by Etonian standards, I’m not so much going “Oooh, what a zinger!” as scratching my head going “Umm… what? Corbyn is… what, a somewhat floppy shirt? On a washing line or something? Or is the shirt still on the woman? Uh… Is this… IDK, a Bullingdon attempt at rhyming slang or something?”

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

@Rabid Rabbit, it’s a fairly common insult (or used to be: I haven’t heard it for a while), and fairly mild. It’s used against a man, and means that he’s weak, cowardly, unmanly. I believe it’s simply a somewhat absurd example of how anything female is bad. Might have an army origin, but I’m not sure of that.

It’s rather a playground insult, but Johnson is an overgrown schoolboy.

Tovius
1 year ago

@Moon_custafer
I have heard that the US military rather likes the alien conspiracies surrounding Area 51, as it gives them cover for what they’re really doing.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago

@ rabid rabbit

“a big girl’s blouse”

It’s a fairly standard epithet here. Used quite a lot in the North in working class culture.

Basically conjures up connotations of ‘insubstantial‘; ‘ineffective‘; or ‘soft‘.

http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-big3.htm

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Tovius

I have heard that the US military rather likes the alien conspiracies surrounding Area 51, as it gives them cover for what they’re really doing.

Did you hear about the “Storm Area 51” event? Thousands of people RSVPed to a (hopefully) joking event on Facebook called “Storm Area 51. They can’t stop us all.” The government responded by saying that yes, they could in fact stop them all.
The reality of Area 51 is way less interesting than the mythos.

Fabe
Fabe
1 year ago

@Naglfar

yeah the guy who started it has come out and said he was just joking . hopefully everyone who signed up was going along with it and no one actually tries to raid the place.

The web comic Terminal Lance did make a funny strip about it though.

https://terminallance.com/2019/07/23/terminal-lance-area-51/

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
1 year ago

@numerobis:
I seem to recall the ‘whether they could be blackmailed’ bit was also of course the reason why LGBT people were officially forbidden from working in the FBI and other such agencies for quite some time.

(Which shows up, of all places, in the movie ‘Clue’ where Mr. Green claimed that was what he was being blackmailed over.)

@Naglfar, Fabe:
I certainly hope most of the people realized it was a joke, but as others have noted, satire is pretty much dead these days because it’s hard to find any opinion so over the top that there isn’t someone out there holding it.

That’s one of the dangers of conspiracy-theory thinking: once your conspiracy theory is unfalsifiable because any evidence against it is considered evidence of the cover up, the worldview is essentially no longer bound to reality in any firm manner.