By David Futrelle
The last time we checked in on YouTube philosopher racist crackpot Stefan Molyneux, he was trying his hand at slam poetry, sort of. Now he’s become a beauty blogger. Or beauty tweeter, anyway, unleashing a veritable tweetstorm on the subject of makeup over the last several days.
I’ve been going through his tweets and have extracted these Six Fun New Makeup Tips for Devious Females.
Simulate the look of sexual arousal by painting your lips a deep red because everyone who’s had actual sex with real human females knows that their lips turn the shade of a cherry whenever they’re feeling really horny. It’s just science!
Use lipstick to arouse the male’s monkey brain, because obviously our primate ancestors wore tons of makeup. (Just don’t go too far and arouse the lizard brain because then the guy you’re trying to win might ignore you and start trying to catch nearby flies with his tongue.)
Use makeup to hide the fact that you’re a wrinkled old crone of, oh, 45 or so.
Use makeup to manipulate gullible men and extract their man-resources!
Feeling hungry? Apply lipstick at once and get some beta male dupe to pay for your $100 dinner.
Use makeup to con wealthy investors into pouring millions of dollars into your fraudulent blood testing startup!
Now, I suppose I should add that the last woman who pulled this particular long con got caught and is probably going to jail. But honestly, gals, her makeup skills were pretty basic, at best; surely you can do a better job and succeed where she failed!
COMING SOON (probably): Stefan takes aim at the dastardly tool of dude manipulation known as the Wonderbra.
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@VP:
Don’t forget the black turtleneck! Do a google image search for her, and notice how often she dressed that way. I think it was meant to make people think of her as a female Steve Jobs.
@Moon_custafer: That was the first thing that popped into my head too when I saw this post! ??? Perhaps some evo-psych-bro can enlighten us on the evolutionary benefits of small nostrils in human feeeeeeemales…
For anyone who hasn’t seen it:
@Cat Mara:
Wh… where did her nostrils go?? This is witchcraft!
@Naglfar, @Lainy: wow, and I thought lead in cosmetics went out with Venetian ceruse ?
@Moggie: don’t tell the Church!
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s sexual arousal.
Easy, breezy, beautiful beta bucks.
I don’t know any other make up slogans, or I would keep going.
And my mind went straight to The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, during the backstage setup for the ‘infotainment show’, where the ‘Watchdog’ (getting ready for his time on stage) casually stuffs a roll of socks down the front of his pants. While talking to the sheriff that he’s about to ambush and shame on stage.
Yeah, this is so not an unheard of thing that people have been doing jokes about it for a while.
Granted, I suspect a lot of the men doing their own ‘artificial enhancements’ throughout history were more interested in demoralizing other men than in attracting women. Which would actually make it more likely to happen in a business meeting, I suppose…
@Jenora Feuer:
“Sexual arousal makes a woman’s fingernails and even toenails change colour drastically”
Sexual arousal, frostbite, gangrene… really, who can say?
I’m confused. This guy sold millions of dollars of fake bomb detectors to war-torn countries and got away with it for almost a decade, and he doesn’t even look like he could do symmetrical eyeliner wings.
@ Moggie
Oh, yeah, it totally was. Really, if you set aside the fact that her lies put people in danger*, her story is a fascinating look at how a woman can build clout and power by knowing how to present herself.
*Her blood testing machine idea never would’ve worked because certain blood tests need more than a drop for a sample size, and there were patients (not CUSTOMERS, dammit, PATIENTS) who trusted the lab results that Theranos sent back. The lab results were sometimes wrong. It’s bad enough to have inaccurate lab results, but when you’re doing this to cancer patients, diabetics like myself, cardiac patients … well, it gets me angry. Whenever Mr. Parasol and I have watched a Theranos/Elizabeth Holmes documentary, we usually end up pausing it while I rant at him about things. In this respect, I really take after my dad the pastor. He was pretty gentle and laidback, except on certain matters, like people using the pulpit to bilk congregations.
#Codpiecesarebackbaby!
https://youtu.be/u5A55eWbiBI
And yet if it had been an all-female Board who had been swindled by an attractive, uneducated guy without vetting him, it would be proof that women have no business sense and have no place in leadership. Funny how that works.
Nobody tell him what neckties symbolize.
A workmate recently launched into this exact JP and stefan molyneux talking point. I don’t wear makeup so i guess he thought he could say it to me. I couldn’t contain myself: I started ranting. You could see him losing all hope when i got to ancient Egyptians using black eyeliner in part to ward off the Evil eye. Good grief. I don’t understand how anyone can unquestioningly accept such a ridiculous assertion.
A necktie is an arrow pointing at the dick.
And Stefan Blender should google paintings of Henry VIII some time.
He wore gigantic cod pieces.
If they ever come in style again I will get one, to better confuse everyone about my gender identity.*
*Agender. I keep my mahoosive boobs contained with sports bras. It’s the only way to avoid back pain. Sports bras give you a mono boob. And I wear exclusively male coded clothing.
Little boy had me in stitches once. He was sitting in a buggy. Told his that about me: ‘Woah, that man has really big boobs!’
Dad went white as a sheet from embarrassment and looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him.
I found the whole thing highly amusing and nearly missed my train stop due to laughing.
If you’re going to wear it on your face, wear it on your face.
@Ohlmann:
They are acting like that whole $100 was spent for just the woman’s meal, but most likely it is for both the woman’s and the man’s, plus drinks. As usual, MRAs are being disingenuous.
@Dalillama, Gijoel, Knitting Cat Lady,
Codpieces is right where my brain went too:
https://www.sothebys.com/en/articles/codpieces-style-on-the-rise
Actually, that sounds exactly like the entirety of Trump’s business acumen. I guess it was the big red ties that lured all those investors to their doom…
@ knitting cat lady
I saw a story a while back. I don’t know if it was true or just one of those feel good posts; but anyway…
A trans man was in a queue when some gymbros entered. They were clearly eyeing him up and he got concerned for his safety. Until he heard one of them say to the other “Just check out the pecs on that guy!”
Hur hur, wimmin do stuff to make themselves more attractive to men.
Lemme get back to you after reading from my library of 1,274 books about “How To Dress, Groom, Walk, Talk, And Act, To Score With Chicks”
Nevermind the vastly more common case of an all male board being swindled by an attractive, uneducated guy without vetting him. Happens so routinely it’s not even news.
Theranos was a better and more believable con than the Fyre festival, which was done by a young unqualified guy.
Re: Elizabeth Holmes
I read a book about the Theranos scandal and I followed it while it was happening. The biggest surprise was how Holmes kept the whole thing out of the public eye for so long. In retrospect, the signs that it was a scam were pretty obvious. Toxic work environment, promise that is too good to be true, inexperienced people claiming to be far more knowledgeable than they were, etc. I agree with Victorious Parasol that Holmes’s key to success was presentation. When everything inside was falling apart, she continued to make it look like a respectable business and like everything was cool when really it obviously wasn’t.
@Lainy – Yes, true!! I had to figure out this on my own. Also it helps mute the colour of brighter lipsticks, if you want to do that.
I don’t wear lipstick every day, but when I do, it’s a sign of formality. If it’s supposed to send a message, that message is, “Hello, I’m dressed up.”
Also, if the “Hello, I’m dressed up,” is obvious from the lipstick, then I don’t have to wear other makeup. Grooming tips for the lazy!
Lastly, from Mr. Molyneux –
Um, that’s probably because it meant tools for putting on makeup, not tools for the sexual marketplace or whatever. ?