By David Futrelle
Hardcore semen retainers — yes, I’m back to talking about them again — believe that by refraining from masturbation they can bless themselves with certain magical superpowers, most notably the power of attraction.
When they’re full up with semen, after a long NoFap/no ejaculation streak, they believe that basically everything in the universe is drawn to them — women, men, animals, money, good luck. (Oh, and speaking of good luck, well, good luck trying to tell these guys that the real magical power they’re developing is confirmation bias, which turns every smile from a woman in their vicinity into a sign that she’s DTF.)
Not long ago, a Semen-Retaining Redditor called jakeducati offered his explanation for this mysterious new power of attraction.
“Many people wonder…why does semen retention (supposedly) increase attraction?” he began.
Think of it this way: all organisms that exist have a compelling desire for more life. Every organism wants to live life more abundantly. Plants stretch towards the warmth of the sun, people bask outside in the sunshine on a sunny day, animals of all kinds enjoy eating nourishment.
So what makes guys full of their own semen such tasty snacks, metaphorically speaking?
Evidently, it’s all in the balls. Literally.
As a man, you hold the seed of creation within your ballsack. The spark that starts the flame. It wants to express itself through the mechanism of ejaculation, of pollination. When you hold this seed, when you retain it, you are ascending to a higher vibration.
Are you sure you’re not just vibrating from sheer unslaked horniness?
The purity of life within your semen vibrates at a high frequency. It is pure creation itself. As a result of holding this seed, you start to vibrate at a high frequency.
Definitely sounds like you’re horny, dude.
You start to become the sun. You start to radiate. People seek the warmth of the sun, so they will congregate around someone who holds this energy.
Why do you think the founders of the world religions had so many adherents? Because they carried the seed. They respected the seed. They cultivated the seed.
“Blessed are the blue of balls, for they shall get lots of flirty glances from the ladies.”
A woman wants to bask in the warmth of the sun and express herself. Look how eager they are to shed their clothes when at the beach. Why wouldn’t they feel the same way around a man who holds life, who has the sun within him?
So if you retain for a long enough time, women are going to start stripping down to their underwear on the bus after you get on?
Women don’t want to take their clothes off in front of men who disrespect themselves and the seed within them. These are cold men. They do not feel warmth around these men. That’s why many women are not openly sexual with many men. They do not feel safe. A woman is a receptor of energy and the energy that constant fappers give off is dead energy.
Maybe. But I’m pretty sure that most women also don’t want to take their clothes off i the vicinity of men who devote any portion of their days to bragging about their full balls on the internet.
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@Moggie
Magic wands and their various spiritual descendants are mains powered, y’know…
Is it Big Bang Balls (not to confond with Big Blue Balls) ?
@Robert
Wasn’t this whole thing with circumcision in the US started because doctors thought boys would not masturbate if the glans wasn’t covered by the foreskin anymore? “Pseudoscience” is the word. As is “desire to control other people through shame and guilt”.
By the way, I regularly find emails in my spam filter in which someone claims to have hacked my computer and recorded me while I’m masturbating to porn. As I don’t have any camera in my computer, that’s just pure bollocks, but there you go again: trying to control me (i.e. make me pay an amount of money in bitcoin) through shame and guilt.
@ThijsF: Re: Extortion emails
I had some variants of this as well.
Most amusing on: ‘We have multiple angles!’
Yeah, right.
You’d think people looking to warm themselves in potential life energy would also cluster around packets of seeds at the garden store, pine cones, acorns, sea monkey kits, and…yes…WOMEN.
It’s bizarre that they think they alone hold the key to life.
And then you erupt in angry flares because women won’t look at you directly.
Yeah, I think everyone gets those webcam extortion emails. At work, I have an ancient receive-only role address, created for an obscure project about eighteen years ago, which has been supplied to precisely one website… and it has received those extortion messages.
@Moggie
I’ve gotten those emails too. It always strikes me as strange that anyone falls for them, seeing as a) hacking a webcam of a computer and finding the email of the same person would be rather hard, b) webcams usually aren’t positioned to see that angle, and c) I doubt many people use their computers naked. At least, I never have.
@Naglfar:
Well, at the risk of TMI: we recently had a brief heatwave, and British homes don’t have air conditioning, so…
@Allandrel
It does make you wonder how old they are: young, dumb and full of cum?. A teenager would probably think that was quite an achievement, when you’re older that is a busy work week or a few days of feeling under the weather away from accidentally gaining magic powers. That seems awfully inconvenient as you could be just getting on with life and then boom, superpowers! Becoming like the sun would make it awfully difficult for you and your neighbours to get a good night’s sleep. Being able to fly sounds like a great power to have but good luck landing. Transmuting elements sounds all fine and dandy until… “Honey I changed the kids into sodium and it’s bathtime”. Turn that into a family friendly comedy Rick Moranis, I dare you!
What if you’re working towards your semen-related superpowers, and then you’re bitten by a radioactive spider?
@Moggie,
Then that spider will have some amazing superpowers, assuming they’re male.
I wonder if they think trans women can also acquire superpowers if they don’t have a wank every once in a while. And what about trans men and non binary people without sperm?
You know, the more of this nonsense I read, the more it just sounds like a woo-variant aimed at guys. Like I could see somebody in the 90s marketing “Self-Help Through Abstention” videocassettes and it’s all about not jerking off. That person would then go on to become Mirror Universe Marianne Williamson.
@Katamount
I wouldn’t be surprised if that exists. The marketing claims used by pseudoscientific self-help books are basically the same as those used by semen retainers.
Re: Marianne Williamson
Am I the only one who, while finding her to be a terrible choice for a candidate due to her history and background, thought it was hilarious when she mentioned “dark psychic energy”? I don’t like the pseudoscientific woo at all, but she is somewhat funny. Her antivaxxer beliefs are just awful though.
@Moggie
I assume you get the power to be extra delicious for when your spouse eats you.
I love how he sounds all pompous and grandiose when he starts out with “As a man, you hold the seed of creation”, and then blasts it instantly with the vulgarity “within your ballsack”.
@Mabret
It’s a total anticlimax (pun intended).
De-lurking (for the very first time) to respond to Naglfar saying:
I think it’s fairly clear she’s implying that the Donald is a Sith Lord – Darth Trump. Armed with this knowledge, the question now becomes “Who’s the other one?”
OT, but felt like sharing this article I passed by on RawStory: https://www.rawstory.com/2019/07/how-the-internet-spawned-21st-century-fascism/
Being in that weird X-ennial demographic straddling Generation X and the internet-raised Gen Z, I have trouble coming to grips with how people younger than me absorb their information. The internet was still a new thing back when I was a kid, and really only major companies and organizations had website where anything useful could be found. When I was doing social studies, my articles still came from newspapers I picked up from the corner box. Encyclopedias were either in multi-volume book form a la Encyclopedia Britannica or it was Microsoft Encarta (which had an awesome game called MindMaze for those that remember it).
In short, a lot of my information came from gatekept and vetted sources. This certainly had an effect of limiting my knowledge of those on society’s fringes, but I could be confident that my knowledge was legitimate and trustworthy. I had all sorts of computer games and programs from The Learning Company and Dorling-Kindersley that taught me science and math and history. I could sit down and watch a local news show at 6 or watch a NOVA or Frontline doc on PBS and never have to worry that I was getting faulty information.
I tended not to go to the internet for critical information. It was still more a plaything for me in its late dial-up, early cable phase. I’d seek out edgy stuff as I entered my teen years, but its line as entertainment was still quite stark. Flash games on Newgrounds and Photoshops on SomethingAwful were more silly pastimes than anything I sought out political opinions from.
I can only imagine what it’s like to be growing up with YouTube having essentially taken over for television. You’re starting with edgy video game streamers at impressionable ages, form communities around these personalities, and then let the algorithm take you to completely unaccountable sources for politics and culture, often in reaction to perceived attacks on the personality you favour. It’s only the outside world that anchors you to reality and in remote places where everything can be obtained online, that anchor can be cut away very easily. If you find community in only a bunch of anonymous shitposters online, there’s nothing to remind you that it’s all nonsense.
@Katamount
I read that article. Overall good, but I did notice something strange in their description of what the red pill was. Dale Beran, the person being interviewed, seemed to say that red pill meant being new to the alt right:
This is not consistent with the way the term is usually used, so that’s a bit odd. Other than that, though, the article made a lot of sense.
It’s especially scary that the most popular YouTubers in the world are actively contributing to the problem and their stans refuse to acknowledge the problem. Look at PewDiePie. He’s basically toxic masculinity incarnate and seems to think it is funny to make jokes about killing Jews and promote alt-right content. Ironic Nazism is not benign either, as the past few years have taught us. No, it’s just a way for Nazism to ride into the mainstream.
Yet people still did that stupid “subscribe to PewDiePie” drive and continue to pretend he’s not a Nazi. *sigh*
@ Everyone
I think there’s a wave of ‘adult content’ extortion emails of various types going round. I had one claiming my machine had picked up malware from an adult website. Which would have been kind of difficult as I’m careful about what can get into that computer’s memory and am wary enough to check for malware regularly, and even habitually delete cookies.
@Katamount
Oh god, I sunk so much time into that game. (And the little app that let you put things in orbit)
@Katamount:
I’ve often thought that it’s going to be very interesting looking at historical fiction in the future, given that we’re the last generation to really remember what it’s like not being able to know everything with a few clicks. Sure, sometimes you still have to wait for an interlibrary loan, but once upon a time the real problem was finding out what book existed for you to order in, let alone trying to figure out if it would actually be useful. Ah, card catalogues and microforms… And that’s just in the 20th century. Go further back, and imagine just what a big deal the Diderot’s encyclopedia was.
Sure, younger generations will intellectually grasp the concept of information not being immediately available, but are they really going to know what it’s like to have to wait to find something out, to say nothing of possible never being able to find out for lack of the right book or the right person to ask?
Older writers need to remember to find credible reasons why their stranded characters don’t just use their phones; younger ones are going to have to get it into their minds that by our standards, their historical characters should be incredibly ignorant.
Moscow Mitch, duh.
@Kevin: It’s total horseshit, they skimmed a load of email addresses and passwords from one or more of the various leaks over the years (typing your email into https://haveibeenpwned.com will probably tell you which one) and trying it on in the hope some gullible mark will think they’re an e133t h4x0r and pay up…