By David Futrelle
I‘m sorry, everyone, but we’re going to have to talk about “the dogpill” again.
The dogpill, if you’re one of the lucky ones who haven’t already heard of it, is the delusional belief, shared seemingly by most incels and many other manosphere dinguses, that some huge percentage of women are regularly, ehrm, having sex with their dogs. On Incels.co and other sites like it, the regulars talk constantly about the dogpill (and the horsepill and even the fishpill, among others).
A longtime reader of the blog recently sent me a weird bit of copypasta that they found floating around on the internet. In it, someone claiming to be a lab tech at a women’s health clinic declared that he regularly found dog semen in pap smears — and that this was more-or-less an open secret in the world of gynecology.
Here. for better or worse, is his tall tale:
I work as a Lab Tech in a women’s clinic in the Mid West. I am the guy that looks through the microscope at your Pap Smear. 1 in 200-300 Pap Smears have canine semen on them. This is how I was introduced to this wonderful subject.
Women are told not to have sex for two days before their well woman exam. They believe that any sperm is no longer inside of them. The fact is, they are wrong. Even human sperm can last 4 days. Even if you have had sex with different men we can tell. Different men’s sperm look and act different. Canine sperm stands out as it has a second bulge in the tail used for energy to get through a bitch’s long harsh uterine tract.
If you read my post about canine semen working like a form of birth control for women, you know that dog sperm can and will live up to 9 days inside of his bitch. If you have had a Pap Smear during that time, then they saw the canine semen and documented it in your chart. (K9+)
The provider will never bring it up unless you do. The way they see it, it is a victimless crime, and they do not want you to not come back.
So be honest, how do you feel knowing someone knows?
Now, my first reaction to this was that it’s utter bullshit. But I’m no gynecologist. So I asked a gynecologist — the famous vagina expert Dr. Jen Gunter — what she thought. She had the same reaction I did, only more so.
“That is 100% bullshit,” she told me via Twitter DM. “That is not true. The end.”
She also characterized the story as “some kind of made up bullshit that requires no response,” “100% fantasy,” and something that “sounds like [an] Incel fetish.” It’s rare to find human semen in pap smears, she notes. Dog semen, no way.
As for the the notion that dog semen can serve as a sort of birth control, she dismisses the notion as “biologically preposterous.”
It’s not clear to me where exactly this copypasta came from; the only place I’ve found the full text is a handmade former-Tumblr fetish site. (Tumblr banned adult content last December; some of this content has migrated to Tumblr-like sites that are defiantly NSFW.)
From there, or from wherever it came from, it spread (sometimes as text, sometimes as a screenshot) to the alt-right-infested Twitter alternative Gab, the MGTOW subreddit, Quora, an exceedingly racist amateur fetish site devoted to “BBC [Big Black Cock] and Beast Fantasy,” and who knows where else. (It’s hard to track the spread of a screenshot that’s 100% text.)
On Gab, the posting got dozens of responses; most took it as true, expressing assorted forms of disgust and making jokes about “pup smears.”
“Lord have mercy.,” commented someone called Michigan Wave.
This is one of those factoids you’ll never un-know. Even if it’s just 1 in 400-500, it means we are literally converging w/ 3rd World norms where human-animal coitus is rare but accepted.
“Muslims believe women who have sex with animals should be killed,” wrote whoohoo001. “These women are contaminated.”
“And women have the audacity to call men perverts.” scoffed mothersmurfer.
On the MGTOW subreddit, most commenters were similarly unskeptical.
“Its guilty until proven innocent if i see a woman who owns a sizable dog,” wrote CoffeeBreaksAllDay.
“This is why some of us call women bitches,” joked I-am-the-lul.
And this is why some of us call you guys misogynistic dinguses.
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Y’know, I’ve NEVER had a doctor tell me to abstain from sex before my well woman exam. That seems strange to me.
TMI-ness:
Mind you, I generally want to abstain for a while afterwards, but that’s because Pap smears leave me feeling a bit raw, and I just don’t feel very sexy post-speculum time.
sperm:
this guy: every man’s sperm is a unique and special snowflake. look at this tapdancer’s, it’s tapdancing. you won’t see that in other sperm
That’s what struck me first too–I have literally never heard of abstaining from sex before a pap smear. I’m not convinced the original author even knows how a pap is done.
Aside from being total bullshit, even by their own numbers, this works out to 0.5% – 0.3% of pap smears.
…because – by your own [bullshit] numbers – at most 0.5% – 0.3% of pap smears contain dog semen?
Well then I guess you can’t really complain when someone says “all men are rapists,” now can you?
(/s, of course; both for the obvious absurdity of the topic itself and also the notion that a manuresphereian would apply the same standards to their own behavior as they do to others’)
If any of that were true, it would have made the news. Salacious scandals always make the news. It has the same level of veracity as the letters in Penthouse Forum, which is to say, none at all.
And another thing … if this is a lab tech trained in human medicine, why does he think he can visually detect any differences between human sperm and canine sperm?
My youngest sister is a vet. I need to remember to NOT have this conversation with her the next time we talk:
Me: Hey, kiddo, I have another veterinary medicine question for you.
Baby sister: (probably thinking, “They warned me relatives would do this”) Sure, go ahead.
Me: Can you distinguish between human sperm and canine sperm under a standard lab microscope?
Baby sister: (long pause while she reminds herself that I’m her big sister who knits stuff for her) Why do you need to know this?
Me: Because I suspect SOMEONE IS WRONG ON THE INTERWEBS.
@ Mexican Hot Chocolate:
… wh-whaaaat????? :0
Off-topic, from the “one picture = 1000 words” department
http://mostcorrupt.com/Trump-as-match-ByDuff.jpg
Incels can’t even get their urban folklore right. All the (completely made-up) dog sex stories I heard growing up involved women using peanut butter to induce dogs to lick them. I guess this didn’t quite depraved enough for the incels, so they had to concoct something even worse-sounding.
@Weird
One of the best political cartoons I have seen.
I can’t say that I’m an expert on animal sperm, but something tells me you’d need a DNA test to know for sure which species sperm you were looking at.
Yeah sure I totally believe you internet pap smear person. /s
You can identify different spermatozoa visually; it’s something that does crop up in forensic science a bit.
But you have to use special dyes first; and I don’t think they do that in smear tests; and that post is just more incel bullshit anyway.
I’m somewhat familiar with kink-themed tumblrs such as the one linked to, and in my experience a post like that is meant as fantasy, as titillation for people who share the kink. It was never meant seriously.
The people who then took it out of its kink context to spread it as a true story should have done some basic checking. But of course they never do.
Every time anyone discusses the dogpill, I think about the fact that if I had to guess which kinds of people would have sex with dogs, my first guess would be incels. In fact, I’m surprised none of them have suggested or admitted to sex with dogs. It seems right up their alley.
@Victorious Parasol
@Amtep
This wouldn’t be the first time incels confused fetish literature and reality. Think about all their talk of cuckolding.
@Naglfar
One of my favorite cartoon panels!
True fact: Women commonly kiss frogs when they find one, hoping the frog would turn into a Chad.
If the frog turns into an incel instead, the woman will be suddenly deeply disgusted for having kissed it. She will likely then resort to witchcraft and cast a spell turning the incel into a newt, out of sheer revenge. No woman will ever kiss the newt, which soon causes it to get bitter.
Honestly, the weirdness level in the title increases exponentially with every word.
@VP:
Can’t trust vets.
The earliest mention I ever found of this kind of thing was in Olaf Stapledon’s 1944 novel ‘Sirius.’ In the relevant passage a gossipy guy in a pub is telling a salacious story about the title character, a hormonally and surgically enhanced ‘superdog’ with at least near – human intelligence, and his (female) handler/friend, Plaxy. The pub gossip is, of course, lying through his teeth.
I don’t think these guys know anything about canine or human anatomy. Even very large male dogs have small penises compared to human males.
Vet here weighing in. Different species can have pretty marked variation in morphology. Dog/human isn’t wildly different though, and I doubt a human lab tech would easily be able to tell the different. The second “bulge” mentioned is probably just a cytoplasmic droplet that they saw in a google image search of dog semen. It’s a pretty common abnormality in semen in general.
@Ledasmom
Sadly, I’ve reduced enough dog priapisms to say there are definitely plenty of dog penises out there larger than an average human. Particularly when you include the bulbus glandis.
That’s your first mistake, Dave! Well, your second mistake after eating so much soy. Dr. Jen Gunter is a WOMZ, so obviously she’s going to try to discredit this brave truth-teller’s testimony! She’s probably overcome with lust at the story and getting dog-dicked right now!
(Sarcasm, sarcasm, oh my god so much sarcasm, I need to go bleach my hands for typing this)
The idea of these guys having anything to do with gynecology is really unsettling. I wouldn’t want these guys to even touch anything that gets anywhere near my vagina.