By David Futrelle
Today, some handy investment advice from … the semen retention subreddit?
You might wonder how exactly this particular subreddit — a harder-core version of the anti-masturbation NoFap subreddit devoted to the allegedly magical powers of not spilling your seed on the ground — could possibly offer any useful financial advice.
Well, take a gander at this posting from the front page of the subreddit today, in which someone called Semencollector5000 explains why not jerking it makes you the Warren Buffett of SEMEN POWER.
Well, that’s rather a lot to absorb. But as a former personal finance writer, let me point out one teensy weensy difference between jerking off your dick and selling stocks:
When you sell your stocks, you don’t have them any more.
When you ejaculate, your body just makes more semen. There’s basically an unlimited supply.
If stock investing were like jerking off, I’d sell my stocks every day, probably multiple times, until the markets closed. And then I’d wake up the next morning with a brand new portfolio of stocks to sell.
There’s really only one real way that the stock market is like jerking off: Day traders are huge jagoffs.
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Also, your portfolio doesn’t sell stocks on its own if you hold on to them too long.
See Men Retention???
I don’ get it…???
so… a Federal court in Montana decides against Andrew Anglin in a lawsuit, but he ain’t there… the playground bully didn’t show up when his victim decided to fight back — and SHOCKED I AM!!!
(please pardon me if I think that is horse-shit… he didn’t show up because he’s a loser)
https://www.cnn.com/2019/07/12/us/montana-tanya-gersh-andrew-anglin-hearing-soh/index.html
Still not sure why these Semen Retention folks think that itās making them any smarter or more creative, when they donāt seem very bright or inventive. Do they actually have any experiments or anything really to back up their ideas? I doubt it.
Why did you think Gandalf the White was called that?
@ Jackson Ayres
that’s why….
I once didn’t masturbate for 18 months. Didn’t turn me into a financial genius sadly.
But am wahman so that probably is the reason.
But what if you wake up one morning and find that you’ve, uh, divested your entire portfolio in your sleep? That can happen.
I doubt it’s very much but sperm banks must pay a reasonable rate compared to just dumping it into a sock.
Something something something liquid assets.
Hey, don’t be mean to these guys. I strongly support their goals.
Think of them as sacrificing to improve the human race. We should encourage that.
@Jamesworkshop
It’s not a bad rate, but they won’t pay for sperm from just any jagoff. You have to be reasonably healthy, nonsmoker (cannabis or tobacco), helps a lot to have a college degree (I know, but I’m not the one setting policies here.), I forget whatall else.
These aren’t stocks. They’re junk bonds.
Liquid fucking gold…
I forget where I happened to read this, but there’s some evidence that retaining semen for a long period of time could cause prostate problems in some men.
I’ve also read that, if impregnating a woman is your goal, fresh, newly-manufactured semen is your best bet, rather than stuff that’s been held in reserve for awhile.
Other than that, I can’t speak of the pros and cons of the semen retention movement, as I don’t have the anatomy.
@Weird Eddie:
Doesn’t surprise me in the least, about our buddy Andrew. I used to have a tiny, tiny bit of pity for him, because I believed his self-hatred was immense, and that was the wellspring of his racism and misogyny. That’s a hell of a way to go through life. Not anymore.
That is not a phrase I ever expected to read š
That said, I have a question about investment and environmental ethics if anyone’s interested (it’s a bit, uh, dryer, than the page topic).
I have an investment account with around $5,500. I started it with $5,050 last year, so that part is good.
The problem is, I took a look through the list of companies the bank invests in (it’s mutual funds, I think, so they have a little bit of everything) and maybe 3-5% is with oil companies – Enbridge and the like. I don’t really want to support them.
I know it’s not a big amount of money, certainly not by the companies’ standards, but should I look into ways to invest without supporting big polluters? Universities and non-profits are divesting from fossil fuels, but how easy is it for a person to do that? a person who doesn’t really have the time/inclination to trade stocks and keep track of a portfolio herself?
Does anyone know of any banks who offer “green” investing options or am I being hopelessly naive?
Semencollector5000 says pleasure is “absolutely nothing” to him.
That’s because he’s in a death cult.
@epitome
Iām based in the UK, so havenāt the faintest clue about whatās available in the US (assuming, given the dollar reference, thatās where you are). I suggest a google session with āethical investmentā or āsocially responsible investmentā in the US or your state. Different organisations will have different criteria, so have a good read of their literature.
HTH
At the risk of a TMI, my GP insisted that were the case. Kept going on about it every damned check-up once I hit 45.
Thankfully, she’s retired now (well, technically she WAS retired – it were a choice of retire or be struck off for various bits of doctorly misconduct). New doc hasn’t even heard of it.
@ epitome
You should be able to talk to someone at your investment agency and ask them not to invest in certain types of stocks with your account. I’ve seen a number of account application forms that include “Are there any stocks we shouldn’t invest in?” as a question. The investment agent will probably ask if you want to divest from your existing oil stocks and warn you that it will be harder for your account to make a profit if you limit its investment options. If you’re cool with that, they should implement your new rules with no further trouble. It’s your account, after all, you just pay them to administer it.
If your agency doesn’t have that as an option, there are definitely those that do.
Also, IIRC, regular stimulation for erection and ejaculation has some use in maintaining erectile function.
In other words: If you don’t liquidate your assets, their value can suffer from inflation, your marketing channel may be affected by deflation and your longterm corporate viability may be compromised.
OFF-TOPIC: Fucking hell, some incel asshole just murdered a girl he’d been stalking.
https://twitter.com/stillgray/status/1150628706878029824?s=19&fbclid=IwAR3u1qYsu_uCEhFQbZtlkx5pTNZlfSll_w0bi_YSknFBgzeZn9kOKPDHwXc
To make matters worse, some other incel asshole took pictures of himself, apparently masturbating to pictures of her corpse, and sent them to her grieving mother. Incels need to be categorized as a terrorist group and be dealt as such.
Diego I saw that news too…. horrified. I can’t even bring myself to look for more info on it nor even look at the incel sites for laughs because I know they’re celebrating a new saint of incelhood, and I don’t want to see the photos…
I’m hoping this will be the kick in the pants that the government needs to deal with incels as the serious terrorist threat they are.
@ Diego:
I’m just runnin’ out of hope… really fast.
@ footprints:
I really don’t think the present administration is interested in dealing with ANYTHING, except that which will gin up more fear in the bigot base.
the people who call themselves “incel” seem to be very much angry white men who hate women… y’know, just like the man currently squatting in the white house.
@Weird
I hope to run out of bullets really fast, if I ever find these people.
The problem is graver than a lot of people realize: Trump was “joking” about staying beyond two terms, and I don’t think his Trumpanzees would deny him a third illegal term, or even a fourth.
They are just getting more and more bold, and instead of being fought Trump is empowering them (remember how he closed down the division of DHS dedicated to investigating Far Right groups?).
People need to organize, because these assholes are not going to regain their decency on their own. Either you bury them under an avalanche of votes, and make sure you stamp them out by outlawing Hate Speech; or you will have to fight them in an open war later on, once they decide the time is ripe for another kristallnacht or “Night of the Long Knives”.