By David Futrelle
Apparently the sorts of dudes I write about on this blog are just out there in the real world, some of them dating women who have no idea about the fetid misogynistic notions rattling around in their boyfriends’ heads.
Take, for example the perplexed woman (or the extremely convincing perplexed-woman-impersonator) who turned to the Relationship Advice subreddit for help the other day after discovering that her boyfriend of five years doesn’t think women should be allowed to vote.
Because somehow this has become an issue for some men in the last several years.
“I’m so confused, I don’t know what to think” began the women, calling herself randomaccount1775.
I’m not even sure if this is the proper sub but I just feel that I need some advice.
In the time I have known him, my boyfriend has always fell politically independent, or so I thought. Politics was never an issue between us at all.
But then things took a little bit of a turn.
However he just admitted to me that over the past year he’s grown more and more extreme in his views, to the point that he believes women have ruined the country (we are American) and that they should not be allowed to vote.
This is basically the political equivalent of learning that your beloved is one of those dudes who smears his own feces on the walls in public bathrooms just for fun.
He says he did not feel comfortable telling me about this sooner because he thought he would lose me.
And hopefully he will.
I’m upset and I can’t tell if I’m wrong to be upset about this because I know that everyone is entitled to have their own views, but now I just feel as though he doesn’t even value my own input/views.
How fucked is it that she’s the one questioning herself over his terrible opinions.
He has assured me that he still thinks that I should be allowed to vote but that women in general should not.
Repeal the 19th Amendment! Except for my girlfriend, who might get mad and dump me like the garbage I am!
This is a person I have been with for almost 5 years.
SUNK COST FALLACY.
We’ve talked about marriage. I don’t know what to think. In all other aspects he is the perfect, most amazing partner, and I can’t imagine my life without him in it.
Start imagining.
But this suddenly has me rethinking about a lot.
Keep rethinking as you throw out this entire man.
Amazingly, she still worried that she was the one who was acting weird here.
Am I wrong to be questioning our relationship over his new beliefs? As his girlfriend am I supposed to be tolerant and respectful of his views even though I may (strongly) disagree? I can’t tell if I’m overreacting to this or not. The whole situation has made me feel terrible and I’m so confused.
Happily, enough people on Reddit assured the woman that she wasn’t the one in the wrong here that she decided — as she explained in an update — that she would “confront my boyfriend later this evening.”
There’s been no update since then; hopefully the confrontation ended (or will end) with him being shown the door. Or the window.
H/T — Twitter’s relationships.txt
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Gaebolga – I understand your irritation at the “power level” term, and believe me, I share it too. I probably should have put disgusto-quotes around it. Nothing is weaker than an aggrieved white male abuser wearing a mask to try to infiltrate the ranks of decent people.
I think it’s important to raise awareness about how these people think and operate, outside of their echo chamber, and I’m glad you took the time to call it out for the bullshit that it is for the benefit of any drive-by lurkers.
The really insidious part is that this kind of thing makes you start giving everybody the side eye, wondering who the cryptofascists are among your family and acquaintances. Undermining trust in your neighbors is a feature, not a bug, of stealth Nazism. This poor woman is going to have a hard time trusting future partners not to rip off the mask and reveal utter garbage.
Gaebolga:
I think the power level thing is legitimate, because a lot of fascists hide their true opinions as a matter of policy.
They are quite skilled at PR, and hiding opinions that the rest of us find reprehensible is part of that process.
@Gaebolga: Have you read Aaron James’s Assholes: A Theory, or any of Bob Sutton’s books? Sutton is the guy who wrote, The No-Asshole Rule, The Asshole Survival Guide, and others. Your comment that “It is literally easier to be an asshole than to be nice” struck a chord with me that reminded me of these.
Like Harry Frankfurt did with the term “bullshit”, James tries to precisely define what an asshole is, rather than a general pejorative, in order to determine what it is about assholes that we find so objectionable. His conclusion is that assholes use their sense of privilege and entitlement to engage in behaviour that denies the agency of others and this is what makes them so unpleasant to deal with. This dovetails nicely with what you said: after all, if you can blithely erase the agency of those around you, your life becomes much easier. Everyone else’s, not so much…
Oh, and O/T: I came across this on David Gerard’s (who I think drops by here from time to time) Tumblr. An excellent and hilarious put down of Really Smart™ “rationalist” lobster-bro types.
BTW, Is using the term “power level” as reliable a tell as having an anime girl avatar is of being fash or fash-adjacent? ?
@ gaebolga
I think there might be some play on the ‘protest too much’ them; cheers!
I was thinking of ‘protest and survive’; but the dates me a bit I guess.
I’m still pondering this. I totally get what you’re saying; but intuitively it’s not quite sitting with me. Like, you need just as much information about a person to be an asshole as to be nice it seems to me. I suppose with stuff like helping carry shopping there’s a cost; but it’s hardly oppressive.
Oh, and I’m a huge believer in signs and portents; and immediately after reading your thing I popped out and saw a girl wearing a “Nice is the new cool” shirt!
But then what do I know; I might be a total arsehole and just be oblivious.
@Alan:
*reaches up to bookshelf*
Heh, I still have that pamphlet. On the inside cover, it says “keep this booklet handy”, so I did.
@ moggie
Well you never know…
I still practice duck and cover once a week; just in case.
@Alan, have you prepared your Inner Refuge?
Protect and Survive cost 50p, but Protest and Survive cost only 45p. Value for money!
“I’m painting myself white to deflect the blast”
When the air attack warning sounds…
Some people vote Republican because they seek to protect their economic interests but do not support the conservative social policies of the GOP.
And also, there are Some people who vote Democrat because they are unionized workers bit oppose progressive social issues.
Authoritarianism has no allowance for any sort of “rugged individualism” or personal freedom. It goes far beyond suppression of minority rights. It means a nanny state that enacts swift, harsh punishment to anyone who does things without government permission and strict social control. A good example of what it would look like? Look no further than NORTH KOREA: a CINA state that is a de facto monarchy. I don’t believe that most white men in the US want to live that way. Except basement dwelling alt right neckbeards.
It might be that “it’s easier to be an asshole than nice” depends on an individual’s nature. I have to work really hard to be assholish on purpose. Even when I’m in a foul mood, I’m not even a little bit tempted and have a hard time imagining why anyone would be. And I almost never bother to try, because… why?
Then again, when I’m genuinely angry at someone and not just disappointed at them or angry in general, which isn’t often, then I turn up the nice and drench it in acid syrup. This seems to be a lot more effective than just getting mean and shouty. Now that I think about it, it might be a special form of assholery because some people seem to be afraid that I’ll stab them in their sleep or something, so… ?♀
@Pyxxxie: there are degrees of authoritarianism between zero and North Korea.
Also it is not really possible to separate economic and social policies. Even if it were, accepting them as part of the package means being willing to vote for authoritarianism. How is that not supporting it?
When I reload this page and the “Female nature, as explained…” one I get a stale version that’s like an hour and 20 minutes old, based on comments missing from the right sidebar.
Why?
How do I get up to date versions? It would be one thing if they were a few seconds or even a few minutes out of sync but it’s AN HOUR AND 20 MINUTES. This site sometimes sees a LOT of comments in that much time.
I cannot catch up on new, unread comments correctly if I cannot get at least approximately up-to-date views of every thread, on demand, by simply loading that thread.
I would add, though, that Trump admires the leader of North Korea, he likes the obedience of the North Korean people, and Trump himself wants to be President For Life. He’s said all these things straight out. A vote for Trump is a vote for North Korean dictatorship.
Conservative economic policies are white supremacist, misogynistic and classist. So, how is supporting those policies not authoritarian?
Republicans think women should be jailed for having an abortion. Or even in some cases, a miscarriage.
They support sodomy laws.
They think that it’s acceptable for police to be the judge, jury and executioner and cheer on cops for shooting POC for committing minor infractions or even just being perceived as scary by the cop.
They think it’s a crime for trans people to use the bathroom appropriate to their gender identity.
They think people deserve to be put in concentration camps for crossing the border.
They cheer on Trump when he says he wants to outlaw “fake news.”
How do Republicans not support a nanny state where people are punished for stepping out of line?
@Cat Mara:
I haven’t read those; thanks for the tip!
@WWTH: White supremacists these days are increasingly hostile to conservative economic policies which they associate with “globalist cucks”. Market forces have no regard for identity politics or any human social boundaries as they make no distinction between us and
them. So conflating capitalism with white supremacy is an archaic Marxist trope. It most definitely _is_ classist. But not all billionaires are white. An increasing number of them are Chinese(like Jack Ma). I aware of Donald Rump’s admiration for NK. It’s quite treasonous. Nationalism is totally incompatible with rugged individualism.
What is stunning is how Trumpkins and Bernie fans see eye to eye on economic issues.
@Pyxxxie:
Trump fans and Bernie fans see eye to eye on economic issues? Trump fans don’t support universal healthcare, nor do they support food stamps or other forms of government aid. They are against a living wage.
WTF are you talking about?
@Surplus
Again, we’ve explained this to you. If something wasn’t clear you need to tell us exactly what in our previous explanations wasn’t clear. We’re not going to repeat everything for you again. Also, you seem to have forgotten you’re in a different time zone than the one displayed on the site. Again.
@everyone
Anyone else feel like it’s time to ban pyxxxie?
@kupo
I’ve been tempted to mention that they seem like they might be a sock for one of our more recent trolls. I’d say ban them.
@Kupo
seconded. The side eye how now turned into a glare from me.
So you think I should be banned for questioning your claims & your worldview? Oookay!
HAVE @IT
Time to stop posting