By David Futrelle
Apparently the sorts of dudes I write about on this blog are just out there in the real world, some of them dating women who have no idea about the fetid misogynistic notions rattling around in their boyfriends’ heads.
Take, for example the perplexed woman (or the extremely convincing perplexed-woman-impersonator) who turned to the Relationship Advice subreddit for help the other day after discovering that her boyfriend of five years doesn’t think women should be allowed to vote.
Because somehow this has become an issue for some men in the last several years.
“I’m so confused, I don’t know what to think” began the women, calling herself randomaccount1775.
I’m not even sure if this is the proper sub but I just feel that I need some advice.
In the time I have known him, my boyfriend has always fell politically independent, or so I thought. Politics was never an issue between us at all.
But then things took a little bit of a turn.
However he just admitted to me that over the past year he’s grown more and more extreme in his views, to the point that he believes women have ruined the country (we are American) and that they should not be allowed to vote.
This is basically the political equivalent of learning that your beloved is one of those dudes who smears his own feces on the walls in public bathrooms just for fun.
He says he did not feel comfortable telling me about this sooner because he thought he would lose me.
And hopefully he will.
I’m upset and I can’t tell if I’m wrong to be upset about this because I know that everyone is entitled to have their own views, but now I just feel as though he doesn’t even value my own input/views.
How fucked is it that she’s the one questioning herself over his terrible opinions.
He has assured me that he still thinks that I should be allowed to vote but that women in general should not.
Repeal the 19th Amendment! Except for my girlfriend, who might get mad and dump me like the garbage I am!
This is a person I have been with for almost 5 years.
SUNK COST FALLACY.
We’ve talked about marriage. I don’t know what to think. In all other aspects he is the perfect, most amazing partner, and I can’t imagine my life without him in it.
Start imagining.
But this suddenly has me rethinking about a lot.
Keep rethinking as you throw out this entire man.
Amazingly, she still worried that she was the one who was acting weird here.
Am I wrong to be questioning our relationship over his new beliefs? As his girlfriend am I supposed to be tolerant and respectful of his views even though I may (strongly) disagree? I can’t tell if I’m overreacting to this or not. The whole situation has made me feel terrible and I’m so confused.
Happily, enough people on Reddit assured the woman that she wasn’t the one in the wrong here that she decided — as she explained in an update — that she would “confront my boyfriend later this evening.”
There’s been no update since then; hopefully the confrontation ended (or will end) with him being shown the door. Or the window.
H/T — Twitter’s relationships.txt
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@ Pyxxxie:
ahhhh… shit…. something I’ve seen coming to roost in the time of dumpster-fire is the idea that white men see themselves and their needs as the default social policy. While “most American men” may not THINK they like authoritarianism, the position they are actually supporting is “authoritarianism-with-me-as-the-authority”, and they CALL it “democracy”.
@ Vic, all:
I’ve tried to resist… I really have…. Thinking back a thread to “Bagle Boss Blowout”, I’m wondering if HE started the #notallmen hash… y’know… #no tall men….
🙂 🙂 🙂
@Vic
Dirtbag leftists keep using that statistic as a cudgel against women and feminists in particular.
Meanwhile, they make no mention of the 63% of white men that voted for Trump. Nor the fact that 63% of millennial women voted for Clinton whereas only 46% of millennial men did. Curious.
@Amanda
It’s sometimes a way dirtbag leftists absolve themselves of the responsibility for not having supported Clinton. If other women voted Trump then….. *shrug*
The “you’re okay but all other women suck” is a pretty standard misogynist cover story IME. I’ve heard several variants of this in the wild. My daughter is like super smart and got into a great college! Other women are dumb shallow bitches. If YOU ever got raped I’d be furious! All those other women are probably lying about it though.
Same basic process kicks in when you try to challenge male stereotypes too. Sure YOUR guy friends aren’t dicks who creep on women. But all OTHER men are pigs who can’t help humping everything in sight! Oh, your [insert male relative] is into art and music? Well, remember that in general GUYS LIKE TRUCKS!!!
Misogynists LOVE “exceptions that prove the rule.” Anything to deny what’s plainly staring them in the face.
@WWTH:
I’m thinking that even if Cheeto knows the Waltons (I’m sure he does, I just don’t know), he still thinks one of them is Jon Boy.
re: who the dumpster-fire will get to replace Acosta….
Just think of the last person ANYONE would think of when “Secretary of Labor” is mentioned…
That’s who the dumpster-fire will pick.
My hot money is on Michael Cernovich….
ETA: Unless he’s in jail, I haven’t checked the papers today….
Weird Eddie: Herman Cain is still promised a job. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was floated for the job.
Translation: He’s gone full Nazi. Dump his ass.
And so he should be, because he’s gone full Nazi. Dump his ass.
Well, of COURSE he doesn’t. Because he’s gone full Nazi. Dump his ass.
Awfully generous for someone who’s gone full Nazi. Still, dump his ass.
That’s five years he’s been lying to you and hiding the fact that he’s gone full Nazi. Don’t lose five minutes more to this lying Nazi fucker. Dump his ass.
He’s been lying to you. That “perfect, most amazing partner” is a lie. You can very well imagine life without him in it if you remember that he’s gone full Nazi. Don’t marry that liar. Dump his ass.
Well, good. Keep rethinking, and remember that he’s a liar who’s gone full Nazi. And don’t forget to DUMP HIS ASS!
The OP said she was confronting him 2 days ago, and has not posted since.
The girlfriend in this scenario needs to be reminded of the wise Maya Angelou quote: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
He has revealed that he believes that 99.99% of the female population is unworthy of the most basic of rights – a voice in representative government.
If she was an African American woman and he a white man revealed that he believed slavery should be reinstated, would she stay?
If she was a Jewish woman and he revealed that the Holocaust was a good idea, would she stay?
I remind her of another quote – “Get Out” – Jordan Peele.
@ Bina
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x56NkcAoFrM
@Lineata
I hope she’s safe. This is all very worrying.
I’d like some actual data about right wing authoritarianism being “reasonably popular amongst men”. There definitely are some segments of the male population in the US that fit this bill, but what makes you certain they are the majority?
@pyxxxie
It’s been quite a long time since your comment, so you might not see this. If you do, though, could you explain to me what kind of power women as a group have to make them more powerful than incels/MRAs/MGTOW?
Edit: I posted this without realizing you’d left a comment a minute before me.
Heed the wisdom of Eleven on Stranger Things:
Pyxxxie is getting some serious side eyes from me.
@Pyxxxie:
Seriously? America, where the military and its chain of command are obsessively fetishised, even on allegedly progressive shows like Star Trek, and sporting events are used as recruiting pitches for the armed forces? America, where cops in gear indistinguishable from military issue routinely harass and even murder people of colour with impunity, pepper-spray peaceful protesters, and paint Punisher skulls on their vehicles? And where a horde of strutting “patriots” can be guaranteed to brigade Twitter and any unmoderated forum to prevaricate, whatabout, and defend such outrages when they’re pointed out?
Just because American men disguise their taste for jackboot behind a hypocritical veneer of “rugged individualism” doesn’t make them less authoritarian. Look at their actions, not their words.
. . . and not be able to find another woman. Because women like being able to vote. So he’s uncomfortable. To him, this whole discussion is like an itchy sweater!
Pyxxxie,
Just look at the exit polls of any election. White men vote Republican in large numbers. And the GOP is very much an authoritarian party.
Or look at issue based opinion polls. White men are the ones who are far more likely than anyone else to be pro-war, pro-death penalty, oppose regulations of corporations, anti-trans, anti-gay etc.
Now, of course, they will deny that they are authoritarian. But when they claim to be for freedom or liberty, they are really every only for the freedom of the powerful to harm the marginalized. Not all white American men are this way. But yeah, the majority are.
This is exactly how cryptofascists operate. Hide their beliefs, pretend to be like everyone else, then bit by bit reveal their power level. I guarantee this isn’t the only repugnant opinion this guy holds. It’s the tip of a misogynistic, racist iceberg. He only decided to reveal it now because he thought it was safe to do so now that she’s committed to him. Like all fascists, his opinions are more important to him than her well-being.
He may tell her she’s the cool-girl exception, but the fact remains that he believes men are superior to women and deserve more rights. The moment they have a fight, suddenly she’s going to be no better than all those other bitches.
I hope she can get out safely, run, and never look back.
@Pyxxxie – Most American men don’t like authoritarianism when it’s directed at them. However, they’re perfectly content to live under a militaristic system with a sizable prison-industrial complex that keeps “those other people” under control and propagandizes large swaths of the population as less human. It’s similar to rape culture, where you don’t have to be an actual rapist to enable it.
Some men, thankfully, are demanding change. We need more to join in.
I know 5 years is a while and emotional investment is hard to untangle but
A) I doubt there were no red flags
B) Why is she even asking? Does she want this man influencing her daughters? Would she be proud if her sons were just like their father?
@epronovost
It is amazing to me that these are policies only popular with women. It suggests a hell of a lot of men are terrible parents?
These should not be viewed as “popular with women” but policies that should resonate with parents of any sex. That they don’t is a problem.
O/T, but can I ask for title suggestions again? The last ones were all so good.
This time it’s an overview of the law surrounding protests; specifically demos and marches. Aimed at animal rights peeps*; but hopefully of some use to activists generally.
[*So will cover protests on private property too]
Not trying to derail, but I fucking hate the way this idiom is being used these days. I mean, I get that alt-Reich motherfuckers tend to be into anime and that Dragonball Z is a venerable classic in the genre, but using that phrase to refer to someone who is dropping their facade and showing off what an evil fuckstain they are is bullshit.
Rhetorically, it links assholery with power, as though being willing to treat others like shit is a disciplined and rational approach to achieving one’s goals rather than an indication of personal weakness. Anyone can be an asshole if they’re willing to go there; it’s not some special freaking skill reserved for the talented few who dedicate their lives to mastering its way.
It is literally easier to be an asshole than to be nice, and the using the “power level” idiom when taking about them revealing their crapulence helps these lazy shitmaggots delude themselves into thinking they’re special.
…sorry; rant over.
@ gaebolga
Heh, I got all excited when I saw in the sidebar you’d posted; I thought you had another great title for me!
But you raise an interesting point…
You’ve really got me thinking. I must confess, whilst I’ve never really formulated a coherent view on this, my gut feeling has always been that being nice is easy, or at least requires no additional effort compared to any alternative.
I’ve addressed it sometimes in terms of ‘balance of convenience’. That’s a legal term used in injunctions; but I think it has general applicability.
To give an example of how it might work in the real world: it costs me absolutely nothing to use someone’s proper pronouns, but it can mean the world to them.
Any of this making sense? But I’m now going to mull on the point you raise. Cheers for the stimulus.
@ Alan
I was in the middle of writing my screed when you posed your request for a title, so I missed it until now. How about:
Knowing when thou dost protest too much: legal limits on organized resistance
…as for the “asshole being easy” thing, I do get your point about how it costs you nothing to use someone’s preferred pronouns, and certainly in the long run, it causes less friction, but in the moment, it requires that you take their wants and needs into account rather than simply going with your own internal classification methods. Sometimes (often?) that internal classification will match the other person’s preference, and then it truly is a no-cost action, but when it doesn’t, it requires effort – however small – to alter your thinking.
I’m not saying it’s hard to be nice most of the time, but it’s harder than being an asshole.
…or maybe I’m just an asshole by nature, and I have to work hard at being nice.
YMMV