By David Futrelle
Let’s take another trip to the Am I the Asshole subreddit, where a young father has come forward with a simple question: “[Am I The Asshole] for wanting another child?”
You’ll be shocked and stunned to learn that the question isn’t quite so simple after all. Admitting that his particular quandary might prove “controversial,” the Reddit daddy, calling himself iwntanthrkid, explains his situation:
When my wife and I got married we agreed that we would have 2 kids unless both were girls, then we’d have a 3rd to try for a boy.
Already I don’t like this guy.
I’m a guy’s guy and I grew up with only brothers so I feel strongly that I want a son to bond with. That’s not to say that I don’t love my daughter equally. I just want to raise someone to follow in my footsteps with sports and girls and stuff.
Uh, the first illusion, or at least one of the first illusions, you should give up when you have kids is the idea that you can and/or should raise them to “follow in your footsteps.” They’re not little clones of you. Let them make their own paths in life.
After some convincing, my wife agreed to this but said that if the 3rd kid was a girl, we’d stop trying.
“After some convincing.”
Anyway, we ended up having one boy (8 years old) and one girl (5 years old). This background is important because you need to know that having a 3rd kid was something that was on the table.
Oh crap, now it’s going to get really bad, isn’t it.
Last month, our son told us that he likes boys. This is totally fine,
Yeah, then why are you writing to Reddit about it?
I’m not a homophobe, but I’m starting to feel like I want to have a 3rd kid so we can try to have a straight boy.
I love my son more than anything and I wouldn’t love a straight kid more than him, but at the end of the day I wanted to be able to bond with one of my kids over traditional masculine stuff, which includes women.
What the fuck, dude. First of all, obviously you ARE a homophobe. And second, what the fuck do you mean by “bonding” with a son over women? Are you going to go to Hooters together and ogle the waitresses’ boobs? Are you going to tell him in graphic detail about all the hot babes you’ve banged? Are you going to say creepy things about the girlfriends he brings home?
Trust me, no boy gay or straight wants to hear his dad’s horny opinions about women.
My wife doesn’t think that this is a good reason to have a 3rd kid.
Well, your wife is right, and you’re damn lucky she even puts up with your sad ass.
She said that she would be open to having a 3rd kid but that she finds my reasoning disgusting and she doesn’t think she can go through with it knowing the reason for me wanting one.
Good. I’m surprised she even wants to stay married to you.
I don’t think she understands how special it is for a father to have a son who can follow in his footsteps.
Fuck you.
Am I the asshole or is she overreacting?
The AITA subreddit collectively came down on the “asshole” side of this question, and several of the commenters suggested that his wife should probably divorce him, pronto. I can’t say I disagree with them. He’s going to be a terrible father to his gay son. And, I imagine, to his daughter as well.
LGBTQ kids, like all kids, deserve to be raised by parents who not only love them but also don’t secretly resent them for not being little clones of them.
HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! Here’s some brain bleach.
Ok, that last one isn’t specifically a Pride Month gif, but come on, it’s a dog driving a mower!
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Way back in the middle Miocene when I had sex ed in school, I recall reading that it was normal for boys to go through a phase where they were more attracted to other boys. It was even called explicitly – gasp – a “homosexual” phase. In those days it didn’t have the baggage it has today and simply meant “same sex.”
8 years old is solidly in the “girls are icky” period and the kid has lots of time to develop heterosexual leanings if that’s how he goes.
When one of our sons was three, he told us he wanted a dollie for Christmas. We got him one. Had absolutely no impact except he was happy playing with it for a while.
Chill out, Ward.
hey Steven I Dutch? maybe don’t erase the sexuality of a person you don’t know. truly gay 8 year old boys absolutely exist.
also your argument that he should calm down because it’s probably just a phase is… pretty goddamn homophobic. you just said “don’t worry he’s probably really straight” when what you should’ve said was “don’t worry, your child’s sexuality shouldn’t affect how you bond with them as a parent”
The kid is 8.
“Dad” should stop pushing (his) sexuality on the poor child. It’s creepy.
(Also he should get the whole “bonding over” women out of his head too, most children find it TMI to know their parents had to have sex once (to conceive them) let alone anything else.)
A+ response, cat.
I will also be interested to see, in the future, if boys still go through a ‘girls are icky’ phase, or if it is a reaction to finding out that concept of feminine things are to be devalued.
Can we ban Steven Dutch, the equal opportunity offender of liberals and conservatives now?
While I agree with you cat, I think taking what an 8yo says as the ‘final deal’ is probably unwise. Given dad’s attitude, it seems unlikely that this kid feels comfortable talking about his sexuality in an open and sensitive way.
Here’s what might have gone down:
Dad: Oh wow, look at the bazongas on that tomato.
Son: Dad, please…(heavy eye roll)
Dad: wouldn’t you like to play mattress hockey with her?
Son: I like boys.
But hey maybe the lad is gay and he and his mom can go out together when she’s finally wised up and left Dad.
(Eww, eww, ewww, gay or straight, don’t be perving on the gender of your choice with your kids.)
Oh as a follow up, my mom perved on my partner where I could see but he couldn’t as well as openly flirting on her first visit after I started dating him.
It wasn’t fun or bonding.
rugbyyogi you’ve created a story to support your own personal beliefs and that’s fine. that’s what people do. it’s also…annoying, and derailing. look here i’ll do one too
HERE’S WHAT MIGHT HAVE GONE DOWN:
son: dad i hate playing football. can i quit?
dad: football is what boys do! you don’t wanna be a lil fairy do ya?
son: what’s a fairy?
dad: well it means you like boys instead of girls!
son: oh. but i DO like boys
and please believe, i could do more. but we’re not here to write fiction.
seriously, why do you people have to insist that “MAYBE HE’S NOT REALLY GAY” and that’s why this guy is the asshole? THE GUY IS AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE HE’S A HOMOPHOBE! that’s it, that’s the whole story.
(and….ew what the fuck is that last bit about going out with his mom if he’s gay? that’s EXACTLY as gross as perving on chicks with his dad if he’s straight.)
No kid will be good enough for an asshole like this, because no kid will ever be a perfect carbon copy of this dude. The kid will be their own person, with their own preferences and views, and that’s not what this guy wants.
His wife is completely right to not want to subject another child to this asshole. Bad enough that his existing son and daughter already have to deal with such a shitty father.
On the topic of boys finding girls icky etc. I’m a cis woman. I was afraid to talk to or play with boys when I was little because I was utterly embarrassed by an adult every single time I did. My best friend was a boy. I loved him like I loved my brothers. We slept in the same bed once (we were like 6 or 7 I think). My mother saw, took pictures and showed them to my entire family and his entire family at a birthday party a while later. She thought it was hilarious and so cute. I was horrified because I was a very anxious kid and everyone laughed, everyone thought it was funny, just because he was a boy and I was a girl. They called us boyfriend and girlfriend before that but this just made it worse. I stopped playing with him about a year later. It still makes me angry. Just let kids be kids.
Leaving aside the sexuality question, imagine having this guy as a father if you were a boy and weren’t into what he calls “traditional masculine stuff”. Imagine being a nerdy boy who would rather read than watch sportsball, were baffled by his attempts to interest you in power tools, and found his gun collection alarming. Conversely, imagine being a girl who would love to spend the weekend with him tinkering with his classic car, and being rebuffed because that’s “not for girls”.
… “follow in my footsteps with sports and stuff…”
The guy’s a homophobic asshole who sounds like a terrible father who shouldn’t have had the first two kids, let alone a third. I was the same age as the boy in the post when I realized I wanted to kiss boys as much as I wanted to kiss girls. If being bi is a phase, it’s been going on for more than 30 years.
Guy’s an arsehole cause he’s a shitty parent and a worse partner.
In what universe does his son’s homosexuality affect their ability to bond over ‘traditional masculine stuff’? Ok, so you can’t ogle women together, that’s probably for the best (at least if you don’t want to raise your son to be a creepy asshole).
But there is nothing else in the ‘traditional masculine’ grab bag they can bond over? Beer? Sports? Cars? Hunting, Fishing, Camping (general outdoor-iness)? BBQing? Woodworking? Metal working? Trains? Lawn Care? Politics? Ernest Hemingway/Jack London novels? Facial hair? Military History? Big Fucking Trucks?
What is really sad though is that this is the father of an 8 year old boy who has now decided that he’d rather ‘try again’ than engage his son in the myriad of possible shared interests all so he can have another child to one day ogle women with. Poor kid.
One of our prime responsibilities as parents is to make sure the next generation is better than we are, not the same as we are.
We need to keep them safe, keep them healthy, keep them kind and make sure we equip them with the ability to make their own choices. They need to know that they can love who they want to love and enjoy what they want to enjoy, regardless of arbitrary ‘social constructs’ or gender lines. We need to give them the courage to be who they really are, without fear.
You don’t need to bond with your child over cars, women or whatever. The only thing you need to bond with your child is a shared desire for their happiness.
This ‘dad’ is clearly failing as a father and a husband, and I hope none of his children follow in his footsteps. You shouldn’t have a kid because you want a skeevy new best friend. And you don’t treat your wife like she’s a bought and paid for ‘baby factory’.
There’s something so perfectly awful about this that the possibility of parody for trolling cannot be dismissed.
If an 8 year old boys says he likes boys that means you have a possible look into his sexuality but there’s nothing certain until he’s well into that period of confusion and awakening which we all know as puberty…
…and I think Bad Reddit Dad knows this. He knows this but he can’t wait ANOTHER 8 years to find out for sure.
He desires a BACKUP plan. The looming specter of divorce or his wife’s menopause may not hold off for another 8 years. This man plans his pathetic little “legacy” with the cold efficiency of a Game of Thrones villain.
This guy seriously has to ask if he’s an asshole?
I suppose it would be asking too much for this guy to bond with his children over their interests.
Neither of my parents were into diving before I started doing it, but they got knowledgeable about it and watched Olympic diving with me every four years and went to my meets. Because parents who love their kids for who they are will take an interest in the things their kids love. You don’t want to do that? Don’t have kids.
I’m getting super fed up with people in this thread wringing their hands over whether we can really know if this kid is gay because of his age. Do you similarly wring your hands and question whether we can really know an eight-year-old is going through a heterosexual phase or if they’re really straight?
I mean, come on. A five-year-old girl and boy play together and people immediately jump to “they’re girlfriend and boyfriend, how cute!” But a kid comes out as gay and “well, we can’t possibly know yet! They haven’t even gone through puberty!!”
KUPO THANK YOU SO MUCH. literal infants are dressed in onesies that say things like “chick magnet” (for a boy of course) but no one wonders if they’re forcing heterosexuality on the baby.
i see a ton of unaddressed and possibly internalized homophobia in this thread.
Honestly, the thought of a father wanting to bond with his son over sexual attraction to women is all kinds of squick.
I’ve instigated exactly one conversation about sex with each of my kids (independently of each other), and in both cases it was a factual infodump about the mechanics of sex and reproduction and ended with the statement that I would always be available to answer any questions they had. Other than that my only interest in my kids’ sexuality is a desire that their relationships be happy, healthy, and consensual.
I also have a vague desire for grandkids eventually, but it’s not like they need to have sex or a relationship for that, so….
The OP asshole is seriously creepy.
Even if his son has no interest in the things OP likes, did he even pause for a second and consider that maybe his daughter does? I grew up curious about the stuff my dad was into (woodworking, sports, cars, star trek) and he happily invited me into his hobbies, engaging my curiosity and answering my questions, and finding kid-friendly ways I could participate. I never felt like it was father-and-son stuff, but parent-and-kid stuff.
Also, gonna have to agree with the person who said OP is asking for another kid because he’s giving up on bonding with the one(s) he has.
I call that fucking creepy. WTF is wrong with people. :/
@Malitia
The straights are not okay