By David Futrelle
The Relationships subreddit — which thousands of Redditors turn to for relationship advice, and which millions more turn to for creepy vicarious entertainment — has always been a tad, well, asymmetric, gender-wise: the relationship problems that women tend to write in about tend to be exponentially more horrific than the complaints sent in by guys.
A guy will write in complaining that his girlfriend wants to watch something other than The Boondock Saints during their weekly “Netflix and Chill” date — “should I dump her for her lack of appreciation for this cinematic masterpiece?” Meanwhile, some poor woman will ask if they’re really in the wrong for complaining about their boyfriend’s ever-growing accumulation of piss bottles, now taking up half the living room — “after all, he tells me repeatedly, and very loudly, he pays half the rent.”
I made these examples, up, but trust me, they’re no weirder than the real thing. Yesterday, for example, one poor Reddit girlfriend turned to her fellow Redditors for advice on a novel relationship dilemma: Should she take a dump in front of her boyfriend to prove she isn’t cheating on him?
If you’re perplexed by that question, gird your loins, and read on:
I’m sure most of you will agree that the only dumping that should take place is her dumping him. Unless, perhaps, she decides to take the advice of Talia Lavin on Twitter:
Given the circumstances, this seems pretty reasonable to me.
Assuming this is a true story, that is. I mean, this is Reddit; the story was posted by a throwaway account; people have been known to go online and tell lies sometimes; etc. Still, everything I’ve learned about my fellow dudes over the course of my lifetime suggests that it’s at least a plausible story. I want to believe, and so in this case I will.
Note: Sorry to have to resort to screenshots for this one, but the mods of the Relationships subreddit nuked the original post. I borrowed the screenshots from @redditships on Twitter, which posts amazing crap like this on a regular basis.
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This one was a fuckin’ DOOZY.
At least there’s no age gap, and at least it didn’t involve a woman killing some poor dude’s pet though.
Dump him Sugar. No man is worth that.
Warning: The following is gross. I hesitate to even post it, but here it is:
Take the dump in his mouth. Oh, wait, he’d probably enjoy that. I really think this guy gets off on this ‘crap’ – ha, ha. The only fetish I can think of that’s more disgusting than coprophilia, IMO, is necrophilia.
I think this Reddit post is for real, although I wish it wasn’t.
She could say, “You first!” or ” I will if you will”.
Never dare something you don’t want to go through with, especially if the dare-ee is almost certain to take you up on it….
Jiminy freaking Christmas.
I would dump this dump-obsessed dweeb forthwith.
The toilets in the townhome that my son and I currently reside in have ridiculously small bores. We learned the hard way that one often has to flush twice because the solid stuff doesn’t go down the first time, particularly if it’s an especially, shall we say hardy, specimen.
People sometimes forget to flush. You know what I’ve always done if the culprit was anyone but my brother back when we were kids (at which point I ridiculed him, and vice versa)?
I flushed the toilet and moved on with my life.
This fool should not be in a relationship with anyone ever.
I almost want to say this is fake, but having known so many men who don’t understand that women take human-sized dumps and don’t just drop tiny rabbit pellets (or not shit at all, that’s a thing, too), I guess this reddit post passes the proverbial sniff test.
She should dump him, and then periodically send him pictures of her turds.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8nqrvpLFC1rswfj6o2_r1_500.gif
“We have a healthy, trusting relationship”
There’s your first mistake.
Holy moley, it’s another guy who’s made up some stuff about women that he then believes. Or maybe one of his friends assured him that women have tiny bowel movements. I believe this sad story about this power-tripping, controlling guy. Maybe he would trust what a couples counselor says about female bowel movements — but only if he could bring himself to agree to get therapy.
My boyfriend and I sometimes marvel at the size of our 19-year-old cat’s bowel movements. She’s got only three legs, so she can’t bury them. Some of them look like they could have come from a human. She weighs all of 10 pounds. We’re very proud of her, uh, artwork.
We all know that won’t satisfy him. He’s going to have to ask every single guy she knows to take a dump in front of him so he can compare it to the original. Maybe hire a forensic poo detective.
In the meantime, she should bake him a nice fruitcake full of Haribo sugar-free gummy bears as a peace offering.
An update about a previous post:
Moby cancels book tour after the whole “I totally dated Natalie Portman” thing.
https://amp.theguardian.com/music/2019/may/29/moby-cancels-book-tour-after-natalie-portman-denies-that-they-dated
He’s planning to lay low for a while. I expect in six months he’ll pop back up on the “Women destroyed my career” circuit like so many creepy men before him. There’s a lot of money in catering to misogynists.
I have a solution! She could weigh herself before and after pooping, using super-sensitive scales. He does the same, and then they compare poop weights, to show that there’s little difference.
@Buttercup Q. Skullpants
? Those reviews are awesome
If she accedes to his request the next thing is going to be either
That’s not the same as the dump I saw before, so clearly it WAS a guy and you are cheating on me.
Or
Ewww you shit like a man. I cannot continue this relationship now I know that!
Either way, she’s on a hiding to nothing.
Just a thought: is her name Celia and his Strephon?
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/50579/the-ladys-dressing-room
@Castrating Harpy
Wha, for real? Who honestly believes that women don’t poop?
I guess you could say that for her this a…. pump and dump.
I haven’t slept in 2 days
That takes insecurity to a whole new level. OR he is taking a circuitous and rather abusive route to exploring his coprophilia.
I feel like a kink that can be fully consensual (if perhaps a bit unsanitary) doesn’t really deserve to be lumped in with one that really cannot, since corpses are incapable of consent.
I’m disappointed. 16 comments and not one “What a shitty guy.”
@Sarity
Sadly, I’m not surprised that there are men out there who think like this, because society has always been all about shaming women into hiding their bodily functions.
I mean, just think of all women who keep the tap running to mask the sounds and spray perfume everywhere to mask the smell, and I’ve even seen someone try to sell internal perfume to eliminate gross odors.
It’s similar to how some men think all women are naturally hairless because they’ve only seen women who shave their entire bodies beforehand, and armpit hair is considered disgusting on women yet normal on men.
“He replied that I was a liar”
Bye boy, because at that point he’s gone. If anyone is going to accuse you of lying they better have the fucking receipts. Obviously he doesn’t because you’re telling the truth, so once the accusation was made it was over because there is no trust in this relationship, not from him anyway.
This woman hasn’t figured out yet that she’s in an abusive relationship. I’d wager that he wouldn’t really call it off if she refused, rather he is probably using this as an excuse and a precedent he can resort to, in order to increasingly impose more and more restrictions upon her.
She shouldn’t just dump him, she should probably look into getting a restraining order or a gun, considering the police won’t do anything even if he gets violent.
Why are we surprised that this guy is confused about women, who are roughly the same size humans as human men, would make similar sized excrement? It’s pretty clear that this guy, like many featured here, don’t think women are human.
Unlike real humans, they should be delicate in all things and any effort they put into appearing so should be invisible.
All women’s work should be invisible.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLGnQiaCBfE
@Sarity – I’ve run across multiple men over the years who were unaware that women poop at all, or believe that women only produce dainty little nuggets, not manly turds, and tried to set them straight. To be fair, most of these men were pretty immature (like teens and early 20-somethings), but I genuinely believe there are grown-ass men walking around in the world thinking lady-poo doesn’t look like man-poo.
@Moggie – Mr. Harpy has access to a scale in his bathroom at work, and he likes to weigh himself pre- and post-dump, just for fun. He has been known to text me about particularly notable results.
It’s unfortunately the case that women are often shamed for normal human bodily functions. For example, I heard once about how women’s public toilets in Japan started playing white noise because the women using them were so concerned that the sounds they made using them (sounds, to be clear, only other women, if anyone, would be able to hear) that they would flush the toilets repeatedly for the whole time they were using the facilities, thus wasting water. How messed up is that?
@Scanisaurus:
The weird thing is that this is a fairly recent thing, at least in my experience. I was born in the 1970s and I remember seeing plenty of women growing up who didn’t shave their armpits; and the fact that women used not shave their pubic hair back then is a running joke when people talk about porn from back then. In fact, I recently finished the autobiography of Cosey Fanni Tutti, the pioneer industrial musician who worked as a glamour model, stripper and who appeared in porn movies as part of her art installations¹. In the book, she mentions having to shave her pubic area for some reason, and having to wait for her hair there to grow back before she could take on other gigs because a lot of photographers and filmmakers back then wouldn’t work with women who shaved their pubes! Maybe they were afraid that the authorities would consider it child porn or something. Talk about “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”.
(And as posters like IIRC Crip Dyke have pointed, policing women’s body hair often has hella racist overtones)
¹ There’s a really obnoxious part of the book where she described a recent exhibition of her work in a well-regarded museum of modern art that was basically made off-limits to the general public… this despite the fact that male artists like Jeff Koons have had exhibitions of work that were heavily inspired by porn where no such timorousness was observed. Apparently, if a woman does it, it’s beyond the pale, even in the second decade of the 21st century… ?