Today I Learned: I’m an agent of the Globalist Media elite personally tasked with destroying the Semen Retention subreddit

By David Futrelle

For the past few months I’ve been mildly obsessed with the Semen Retention subreddit, a sort of harder-core alternative to the bigger NoFap subreddit, full of earnest men convinced that if they can just keep their hands off their dingles for a long enough time they’ll gain quasi-magical powers and become irresistibly attractive to women. Their collective ideology is a weird mixture of pseudoscience, occultism, Eastern woo, and Red Pill misogyny, with a dollop of old-fashioned antisemitism occasionally tossed into the mix for flavor. For a connoisseur of weird misogyny like me, what’s not to love?

Last night as I was poking around the subreddit I ran across a month-old post by someone called Juggernaut_is_here with the intriguing headline: This sub is being thoroughly scrutinized by the Globalist Media..Members may be under the danger of being doxxed. (Proof Inside)

Naturally, I clicked, and was greeted with a vast wall of text detailing this alleged conspiracy against the Men Who Won’t Touch Their Dicks Sometimes For Weeks At a Time. It began promisingly:

It seems the Globalist Media has gotten the inkling that the some young men of today have figured out that semen retention is the ultimate logical conclusion of NoFap and one of the most powerful self-improvement tools known to man.

Self-improvement is stored in the balls!

They want to keep such men weak, submissive and donot want these men to become the self-made billionaires that they deserve to be .

Become the what now?

But hark! The Globalist Media approacheth!

The same Globalist Media approached me for interview as well as the permission to interview the members of our closed r/OneYearCelibacy group through the famous newspaper The New York Post . Anyways they were turned down.

CRISIS AVERTED!

But taking advantage of the open nature of r/semenretention, the Globalist Media have started trawling these hallowed pages looking for signs of men who have gotten advanced insight regarding the management of the Universal Energy

Those sneaky Globalist Media spies, trying to steal the Secret of the Ooze!

Let me remind you, in other cases the Globalist Media has doxxed members of reddit and other platforms for much lesser contrarian views. All of us who post here are under the threat of being doxxed. I request the mods to turn r/semenretentioninto a private forum

After this dire warning I was a little startled to discover that the evil Globalist spy sneaking around their subreddit looking for weirdos to dox was … me?

The establishment through which the Globalist Media is attacking now is the pro-feminist watchdog www.wehuntedthemammoth.com

It really doesnot matter which arm of the Globalist Media is attacking you, it is all coordinated from the top (today it might be wehuntedthemammoth, tomorrow the New York Post, some other day Vox.com, and the day next melmagazine)

It’s true. It’s all coordinated at the top. Just this morning my handler sent me this super secret message with my marching orders for today:

Agent B-43-x,

Pick up some POST-it notes on your way to work at the CEMENT FACTORY, you know, the factory that RETAINS CEMENT, you know, the one on the SUBway RED line.

Then maybe write a post about the semen retention subreddit.

Sincerely,

Management m-97-b-12

Mr. Juggernaut linked to my three posts about his favorite subreddit, then posted a list of nine regular r/SemenRetention commenters he claimed “are being tracked by the Globalists right now.” That is, being tracked by me, including such notable (?) names as sleazyz and GenocideChimp.

Just to be clear: I’M NOT “TRACKING” ANY OF THESE PEOPLE OR INDEED ANY SPECIFIC COMMENTERS ON REDDIT; I JUST QUOTED THESE GUYS ONCE OR TWICE BECAUSE THEY SAID RIDICULOUS THINGS.

Hell, I’m not even “tracking” the Semen Retention subreddit per se; I just look in on it from time to time when I want to do a post on something less depressing than, say, incels.

And no, I’m not going to dox anyone. If you want to say stupid things about semen and possibly women anonymously online, go ahead; I really don’t care who you are in real life.

Not that anything I say will convince Mr. Juggernaut that I’m not a tool of the Globalist Media elite. He’s already set up a private subreddit where the more paranoid retainers like him can

chat [about] controversial aspects of semen retention without being tracked and scrutinized by the Globalists.

Given his endless talk about capital-G “Globalists” I’m sort of assuming that the “controversial aspects of semen retention” involve Jews and their alleged secret plot to weaken men by draining them of their most precious bodily fluid. But I guess I’ll never know, because I’m not clever enough as a secret Globalist spy to have figured out a way to get into his private club without him figuring out who I am.

But my favorite part of Mr. Juggernaut’s post was this bit he added at the end:

Massive Update:

The journalist in question David Futrelle has connections to the topmost echelons of the gloablist media.New York Times thoroughly praised him couple of years back..Heck even presidents of powerful countries donot earn full length feature on NYTimes

He’s referring to that very nice profile of me that ran in the NYT, which apparently means I’m more important than, I guess, the President of Uruguay? (Note: I’m not.)

Apparently, despite his jealousy over my alleged vast powers, Mr. Juggernaut doesn’t think much of me as a person. “[T]he guy was praised by New York Times…so he has connections to the top,” he wrote in a comment, “The Globalist Media always use such hideous beings of nature for their cause.”

Regardless of the extent of my alleged power and/or hideousness, Mr. Juggernaut’s post — though it was ultimately delted by one of the subreddit’s mods — alarmed Reddit’s retainers, many of whom expressed their eagerness to join the secret semen club.

“This is shocking and thanks for sharing this,” wrote someone called YourfriendM.

I think in the near future a person who’s on NoFap or semen retention will be classed as a risk to society. They want us plugged into the Matrix so they can continue to brainwash us.

Dudes, you’re not dangerous. Incels are dangerous. Nazis are dangerous. Dudes who think they can make women swoon by not touching their own dicks for a month aren’t really that much of a risk, unless, say, your balls explode from the pressure while you’re riding the bus some day, but I don’t think that’s a thing.

You guys need to relax. Might I suggest you relieve some of your tension by having a nice wank?

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