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Today I Learned: I’m an agent of the Globalist Media elite personally tasked with destroying the Semen Retention subreddit

Just doing my job

By David Futrelle

For the past few months I’ve been mildly obsessed with the Semen Retention subreddit, a sort of harder-core alternative to the bigger NoFap subreddit, full of earnest men convinced that if they can just keep their hands off their dingles for a long enough time they’ll gain quasi-magical powers and become irresistibly attractive to women. Their collective ideology is a weird mixture of pseudoscience, occultism, Eastern woo, and Red Pill misogyny, with a dollop of old-fashioned antisemitism occasionally tossed into the mix for flavor. For a connoisseur of weird misogyny like me, what’s not to love?

Last night as I was poking around the subreddit I ran across a month-old post by someone called Juggernaut_is_here with the intriguing headline: This sub is being thoroughly scrutinized by the Globalist Media..Members may be under the danger of being doxxed. (Proof Inside)

Naturally, I clicked, and was greeted with a vast wall of text detailing this alleged conspiracy against the Men Who Won’t Touch Their Dicks Sometimes For Weeks At a Time. It began promisingly:

It seems the Globalist Media has gotten the inkling that the some young men of today have figured out that semen retention is the ultimate logical conclusion of NoFap and one of the most powerful self-improvement tools known to man.

Self-improvement is stored in the balls!

They want to keep such men weak, submissive and donot want these men to become the self-made billionaires that they deserve to be .

Become the what now?

But hark! The Globalist Media approacheth!

The same Globalist Media approached me for interview as well as the permission to interview the members of our closed r/OneYearCelibacy group through the famous newspaper The New York Post . Anyways they were turned down.

CRISIS AVERTED!

But taking advantage of the open nature of r/semenretention, the Globalist Media have started trawling these hallowed pages looking for signs of men who have gotten advanced insight regarding the management of the Universal Energy

Those sneaky Globalist Media spies, trying to steal the Secret of the Ooze!

Let me remind you, in other cases the Globalist Media has doxxed members of reddit and other platforms for much lesser contrarian views. All of us who post here are under the threat of being doxxed. I request the mods to turn r/semenretentioninto a private forum

After this dire warning I was a little startled to discover that the evil Globalist spy sneaking around their subreddit looking for weirdos to dox was … me?

The establishment through which the Globalist Media is attacking now is the pro-feminist watchdog www.wehuntedthemammoth.com

It really doesnot matter which arm of the Globalist Media is attacking you, it is all coordinated from the top (today it might be wehuntedthemammoth, tomorrow the New York Post, some other day Vox.com, and the day next melmagazine)

It’s true. It’s all coordinated at the top. Just this morning my handler sent me this super secret message with my marching orders for today:

Agent B-43-x,

Pick up some POST-it notes on your way to work at the CEMENT FACTORY, you know, the factory that RETAINS CEMENT, you know, the one on the SUBway RED line.

Then maybe write a post about the semen retention subreddit.

Sincerely,

Management m-97-b-12

Mr. Juggernaut linked to my three posts about his favorite subreddit, then posted a list of nine regular r/SemenRetention commenters he claimed “are being tracked by the Globalists right now.” That is, being tracked by me, including such notable (?) names as sleazyz and GenocideChimp.

Just to be clear: I’M NOT “TRACKING” ANY OF THESE PEOPLE OR INDEED ANY SPECIFIC COMMENTERS ON REDDIT; I JUST QUOTED THESE GUYS ONCE OR TWICE BECAUSE THEY SAID RIDICULOUS THINGS.

Hell, I’m not even “tracking” the Semen Retention subreddit per se; I just look in on it from time to time when I want to do a post on something less depressing than, say, incels.

And no, I’m not going to dox anyone. If you want to say stupid things about semen and possibly women anonymously online, go ahead; I really don’t care who you are in real life.

Not that anything I say will convince Mr. Juggernaut that I’m not a tool of the Globalist Media elite. He’s already set up a private subreddit where the more paranoid retainers like him can

chat [about] controversial aspects of semen retention without being tracked and scrutinized by the Globalists.

Given his endless talk about capital-G “Globalists” I’m sort of assuming that the “controversial aspects of semen retention” involve Jews and their alleged secret plot to weaken men by draining them of their most precious bodily fluid. But I guess I’ll never know, because I’m not clever enough as a secret Globalist spy to have figured out a way to get into his private club without him figuring out who I am.

But my favorite part of Mr. Juggernaut’s post was this bit he added at the end:

Massive Update:

The journalist in question David Futrelle has connections to the topmost echelons of the gloablist media.New York Times thoroughly praised him couple of years back..Heck even presidents of powerful countries donot earn full length feature on NYTimes

He’s referring to that very nice profile of me that ran in the NYT, which apparently means I’m more important than, I guess, the President of Uruguay? (Note: I’m not.)

Apparently, despite his jealousy over my alleged vast powers, Mr. Juggernaut doesn’t think much of me as a person. “[T]he guy was praised by New York Times…so he has connections to the top,” he wrote in a comment, “The Globalist Media always use such hideous beings of nature for their cause.”

Regardless of the extent of my alleged power and/or hideousness, Mr. Juggernaut’s post — though it was ultimately delted by one of the subreddit’s mods — alarmed Reddit’s retainers, many of whom expressed their eagerness to join the secret semen club.

“This is shocking and thanks for sharing this,” wrote someone called YourfriendM.

I think in the near future a person who’s on NoFap or semen retention will be classed as a risk to society. They want us plugged into the Matrix so they can continue to brainwash us.

Dudes, you’re not dangerous. Incels are dangerous. Nazis are dangerous. Dudes who think they can make women swoon by not touching their own dicks for a month aren’t really that much of a risk, unless, say, your balls explode from the pressure while you’re riding the bus some day, but I don’t think that’s a thing.

You guys need to relax. Might I suggest you relieve some of your tension by having a nice wank?

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TheKND
TheKND
1 year ago

@David
Ok, the note from your “handler” was priceless and I was laughing so hard, I had to sit down for a bit. Thx David, I needed that

Z&T
Z&T
1 year ago

TOPMOST ECHELONS!

Been meaning to say hi again, will def chose this thread! so we too can get into these TOPMOST ECHELONS!!!

Pls. Include in TOPMOST ECHELONS!

What is DONOT?

Is it some kind of a fry cake? Do we get some, when we get to TOPMOST ECHELONS?

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

pro-feminist watchdog

Ahem. Watchcat.

Hambeast
Hambeast
1 year ago

Today I Learned: I’m an agent of the Globalist Media elite personally tasked with destroying the Semen Retention subreddit

How close are you to complete destruction? Keep us updated!

O/T: There’s a new Contrapoints video out today!!

Gijoel
Gijoel
1 year ago

Self-improvement is stored in the balls!

This is going on my epitaph.

Shadowplay
1 year ago

So, they’re not wanking? That’s OK, fine.

Oh, not just not wanking, but obsessively retaining their semen? Bit odd, but heard odder. Did I ever tell you about … (NARRATOR, LOUDLY: Multiple times)

They’re doing it to attract women? Ok, novel theory, but whatever floats their boat

Wait …

What are they trying to attract these women for then? I somehow doubt it’s conversation.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
1 year ago

David,

Can you get me a job at the topmost echelons of globalism too? My job doesn’t really bring in the big bucks. I figure since I’ve been commenting here so long, I could use you as a reference.

I think I’d like to work in the bringing men down using MeToo department.

Mabret (née Laugher at Bigots)
Mabret (née Laugher at Bigots)
1 year ago

It’s so they can say to their fellows, “Look how Chadly, and yet virtuous, I am!”

Virgin Mary
Virgin Mary
1 year ago

Some yogic practitioners belive they can suck expelled spunk back into their penis, like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. It takes a lot of dedication and practice so hopefully they’ll all start spending their time doing that instead of talking crap on Reddit.

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
1 year ago

“It is better to satisfy the body, than to discolor the mind” – Chinese proverb

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
1 year ago

They want to keep such men weak, submissive and donot

Guys, most women don’t go for weak. Or submissive. But a donut? Yeah, that might very well get a woman to date you. Make sure it’s a really good donut. Nowadays even vegan donuts are a thing.

Oh wait. . . .

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 year ago

“men who have gotten advanced insight regarding the management of the Universal Energy”

For enlightened beings who have mastered self-control and discipline, they sure do fly into an absolute tizzy at the thought that other people besides the nine of them use the internet and might be able to read what they post. Now the New York Times is tailing them, hiding behind every lamppost.

Whatever makes you feel important, I guess.

solecism
solecism
1 year ago

I’d never heard of these guys before. They’re sadly hilarious. I mean, are they creating little semen retention ponds, in their little semen sacks? What about backflow, like a plugged sewer line? And playing hands off is somehow going to make these poor sods masters of the universe? It’s kinda religious–self-denial now in the earthly plane for eternal bliss after the second cumming. Or something.

David, congratulations on becoming a world power. Or a globalist. Or on the ins with Big Media. Or the boogeyman to a bunch of sad sacks. Good to know you have a cult following. Or following a cult? Hard to tell who’s wagging whom.

Catalpa
Catalpa
1 year ago

What are they trying to attract these women for then?

I’ve never understood this ‘benefit’ of semen retention, either.

It’s like seeing a vegan talk about how great veganism is because it keeps making people offer them free cheeseburgers. Like, I guess it’s nice to be offered free things anyway, but why would you want to specifically avoid a thing in order to attract even more of that thing into your life?

occasional reader
occasional reader
1 year ago

If we go in syllogism…
1. Retaining your sperm makes you “powerful”
2. David is “powerful” enough to be praised by the New York Time
=> David is a retainer warlord
Juggernaut_is_here must be jealous, in fact.
(Sorry to have you dragged in this ludicrous demonstration, David)

to become the self-made billionaires that they deserve to be

Retaining your sperm, the best way to fight poverty ! Soon in your SF library.
And does this mean NoFappers are self-made persons ? … No, wait, that is not what i mean !

Orion Anderson
Orion Anderson
1 year ago

I understand that some of the ancient Taoists and Tantrikas who wrote about the magical powers of semen retention asserted that as long as you don’t ejaculate, sexual activity doesn’t hurt you and might even make you more magical.

I think one of the Taoists said the goal should be to give women as many orgasms as possible while making sure you don’t get off, so as to steal all her mana and add it to your own.

Lizzie
Lizzie
1 year ago

As someone who is not happy with the outcome of our recent elections here in Australia (yes that is ‘elections’ not ‘erections’, in case any no-fappers are reading), I would like to appropriate “The Globalist Media always use such hideous beings of nature for their cause” for referring to our prime minister.

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
1 year ago
Kevin
Kevin
1 year ago

@ Lizzie

Now Theresa May has handed in her notice, we might be facing an election here too, and some of those likely to come to the fore actually make the semen retentionists look almost sensible.

solecism
solecism
1 year ago

@Cat Mara

That is awesome! I love biology so much! My biggest sadness in life is that there’s no comparative reproduction textbook showcasing all the fascinating sexual and asexual strategies out there on our own planet. Well, and the profound lack of biological imagination in most SF writing.

Actually, I thought of something like that as an explanation for sexy dryads in an extreme form of alternation of generations in plants for my fantasy world. Good to know it isn’t totally far-fetched. I’m aso using the superorganism model of ecosystems, none of this individual and independent species interacting with the landscape bullshit.

AcidTrial
AcidTrial
1 year ago

The only metric I can think of by which semen retention might lead to someone being a “self-made billionaire” is that old from that guy who insisted that his semen is liquid gold. I mean, if you’re retaining literal gold, it’d be straight-up profit.

Virgin Mary
Virgin Mary
1 year ago

Alister Crowley apparently used to sell his semen to use in spells so there might be some sense it that. Doubt it will make them billionaires tho.

Malitia
Malitia
1 year ago

I feel this is the place to link this.

Animal mating behavior illustrated with “human” characters:

http://humoncomics.com/archive/animal-lives

Gaebolga
Gaebolga
1 year ago

My first thought was that Mr. Juggernaut was using David as a bogeyman to try and get some of the more easily manipulated semen retainers to join his private thread so he could stop being one of the howling monkeys and start being the head chimp….

Robert
Robert
1 year ago

Virgin Mary – if there’s an unused batch in some occultist’s collection, notify InGen.

Coming soon, Thelemic Park!

Hey, a nature preserve stocked with Crowley clones is no more fantastic than the semen retainer’s fever dreams.

Tabby Lavalamp
Tabby Lavalamp
1 year ago

The majority owner of Reddit is Advance Publications.

Advance also owns the following…

Link to Wiki list

If the “Globalist Media” existed, they’d very much be a part of it. Do they really think taking a subreddit on a website owned by the “Globalist Media” private would keep them out?

Lainy
Lainy
1 year ago

@Virgin Mary

So like the women who sell their breast milk for that or make jewelry out of their breast milk?

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

@solecism:

That is awesome! I love biology so much! My biggest sadness in life is that there’s no comparative reproduction textbook showcasing all the fascinating sexual and asexual strategies out there on our own planet. Well, and the profound lack of biological imagination in most SF writing.

Did you see that recent story about bonobo mothers? Extract:

Bonobo mothers seize every opportunity to give their sons a leg-up. In bonobo society, the lower ranks tend to be gender balanced, but females dominate the top ranks. Many mothers have social clout and chaperone their sons to huddles with fertile females, ensuring them better chances to mate. “The mothers tend to be a social passport for their sons,” said Surbeck.

But in the free-for-all that underpins bonobo sex, vigilance is the watchword. When their sons are finally copulating, bonobo mothers keep a wary eye on nearby males. Should any make a move to rush the busy couple – a tactic that is well-known – she can bound in and block the attack.

Such dirty tricks abound. When mothers spot other males on the job, they have been known to detach the hapless apes with a well-timed charge. On rare occasions, the mothers literally drag unrelated males off their sexual partners. “Once I saw a mother pulling a male away by the leg,” said Surbeck. “It doesn’t necessarily increase their son’s mating success, but it shows that they really get involved in the whole business.”

Misandry!

Tovius
1 year ago

@Moggie
That’s some real helicopter parenting right there.

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
1 year ago

@Moggie

OK, so that tops every “mother-in-law-from-hell” story in human history.

ColeYote
ColeYote
1 year ago

It seems the Globalist Media has gotten the inkling that the some young men of today have figured out that semen retention is the ultimate logical conclusion of NoFap

I like that he thinks that’s an endorsement of his BS and not an indictment of NoFap cultists.

Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
1 year ago

AcidTrial:

The only metric I can think of by which semen retention might lead to someone being a “self-made billionaire” is that old from that guy who insisted that his semen is liquid gold. I mean, if you’re retaining literal gold, it’d be straight-up profit.

Well, I guess you could just be counting a billion stale sperm cells on your name?

I don’t know how many sperm cells in total you could accumulate in your testes, vasa and prostate before they disintegrate or leak out with urine/involuntary ejaculations, but it’s probably at least a billion.

sly fawkes
sly fawkes
1 year ago

I kind of don’t care if these critters fap or don’t fap, just so long as they don’t breed.
That picture is hilarious!

Bluecat
Bluecat
1 year ago

David, you are more important than the President of Uraguay – to me! And to many mammotheers.

solecism
solecism
1 year ago

@Moggie

Heh. Thanks for sharing. I hadn’t seen that one. But talk about initiating your offspring into the mysteries of sex..