By David Futrelle
The Semen Retention subreddit is a weird place to visit, filled both with arcane manifestos on the spiritual awakenings that supposedly come from never having orgasms, ever, and enthusiastic testimonials from sperm-filled dudes convinced that their onanistic disipline has caused all the women in their immediate vicinity to lust for them like cats in heat, even though actually having sex with one of these women would destroy their no-orgasm streak and, they fear, transform them back into average schmoes again.
The semen retention “movement,” in case you haven’t encountered it before, is sort of a harder core version of NoFap, its ideology a mixture of ancient Buddhism, modern pseudoscience, and more than a little bit of manosphere nonsense. Whereas NoFappers tend to see themselves as fighters of compulsive masturbation and porn addiction, semen retainers see themselves as spiritual warriors protecting their vital “life-force” from dilution — not only by masturbation but also by nocturnal emissions and sex.
Keeping their sperm bottled up inside, they think, will not only enable them to have more energy and think more clearly; it may also give them literal magical powers, helping to bring about, as one Redditor put it, a “magical, synchronistic connection between thoughts & reality.”
Also, they think, it will make women really really hot for them. “The magnetism is real,” writes a Redditor called sleazyz.
Friday; went out for drinks with old friends I haven’t seen in years and the girls including wives of friends couldn’t take they’re eyes off me … .
The magnetism may be real, but the grammar is still wrong.
Naturally, these newborn pussy magnets are eager to share their stories with one another. And so let’s look at some TRUE TALES FROM THE SEMEN RETENTION SUBREDDIT that might possibly not be true at all, I mean come on, this shit is faker than fake.
We’ll start with Sleazyz’s own story. (In this and the stories that follow I’ve taken the liberty of editing for length and breaking into paragraphs because Jesus Christ these guys love their walls-o-text.)
IN WALKS A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY
Friday; went out for drinks with old friends I haven’t seen in years and the girls including wives of friends couldn’t take they’re eyes off me, constant touching and flirty conversation from the bar folk as well. I was dominating every conversation and controlling the flow.
Saturday … I went to meet some buddy’s at the bar … In walks a beautiful young lady comes right up to me and wants to dance within minutes we’re making out on the dance floor …
[T]he magnetism is real. I feel like I put the idea out in the universe and I’ve honed it in.
Not only that, he reports, but the following day HE GOT A WHOLE LOT OF PHONE CALLS AND TEXTS. Apparently people could smell his semen-filled-scent over the phone! And all from only 14 days of not masturbating.
Let’s move to our next story, from a semen-hoarding Redditor called Boxgineer111. Let’s call this one
I attended a seminar today. Not only I did attract women I liked there, I visited a nearby cafe to grab a bite and I had an awkward moment lol. I was eating my burger and there was a girl who stood in front of me; like 15-20 feet away.
For a moment; she locked eyes with me. I didn’t shy away so I locked my eyes with her too. Solid 4-5 seconds. Then we averted our gazes. She was there with her family so I didn’t approach but it was weird. She was nearly hypnotized.
I’m practicing SR for nearly 5 months and it was my 3rd day with no release. … Magnetism is very real.
Now let’s turn to yet another master of the dance (and of his own domain). Take it away, showerdudes9.
GIRLS WERE GRAVITATING TO ME LIKE INSANE
I went out with a friend to dance and drink some (i rarely do that) and when i started dancing and not giving a fuck, like really dancing hard and getting sweaty, girls were gravitating to me like insane. One guy got really mad cause his girl stopped dancing with him and went to me instead.
Everytime i looked at someone, that person was looking at me, it gave me anxiety cause it was so unreal so i couldnt even make eye contact with people …
i’m pretty sure if i wanted to i could have taken home literally any of the girls in that club. …
Even if guys were pissed at me they were too fucking scared to say anything, even the guards there were intimidated by me … .
And now, salinorum and his story of
The other day in the airport, I wanted to be alone so I found a section of the airport that was vacant. Within 5 minutes, I had about 5 girls sit in the seats next to me and across from me. One even opted to sit on the floor next to my feet and stare at me, even though there were plenty of empty seats everywhere. …
Then I got on the airplane and it just so happened that my entire row was made up of girls my age, they all proceeded to stare at me in a submissive manner.
The following day, when I returned to work as a Lyft driver, every single passenger I had was a female my age … it got really weird for two days where all I had around me was just women and no men. … And it really awakened me to the fact that women are attuned to some sort subliminal energy field and respond instinctually.
Let’s listen to a high-school student called Alarmed_Equipment and his story, which I’ll call
BUT I’M A CHEERLEADER 2: ELECTRIC SEMENALOO
I was sitting on the corridors when these group of cheerleaders passed by. They all said something to each other near the water faucet. Two of them came right to where i was sitting , performed a leg split, looked dead in my eye giggling to each other and ran away.
I am sure it was a personal show for me as i saw them constantly looking back while walking away.
On a separate instance, a girl who works with me nearly opened her shirt saying it was too uncomfortable. It was on my first streak.
Chris_the_barbarian’s magnetism is apparently quite literal, at least as far as his nipples are concerned.
TOYING WITH MY NIPPLE WHILE I WAS IGNORING HER
I went to the pub few days ago. Had a beer with my mate. Then I had one middle age woman sitting next to me and within 15 minutes she was toying with my nipple while I was ignoring her. Then I passed her on to my mate because I had no interest spending my LifeJuice™ on her.
There is definitely something that’s attracting women on SR.
Let’s end this collection of short stories with one from a fellow with the lovely Reddit handle genocidechimp. As you read through his literally incredible story, bear in mind that this fellow was only on “day 8 of [his] journey” of not touching his penis.
SHE LOVED WHAT I SAID AND STARTED GUSHING AND AWEING
To start off, my boss who is quite attractive sat next to me today and starts chatting with me. Suddenly out of nowhere she says “chimp, I’ve been noticing you flirt with all of the females in the office recently, and they’ve been coming after you what’s your secret huh tell me tell me?” …
I said what first came to my mind which was something along the lines of “A magnet does not know the way it functions, it simply attracts” and winked. She loved what I said and started gushing and aweing And the other female coworkers were too.
After this she started pushing me to answer whether I had asked any of them on a date. … what type of girls I liked, whether I had commitment issues, previous exes etc. Keep in mind this is my female BOSS who never asks me these type of stuff too often.
Dude, that’s probably because if your boss were to do this in real life, rather than in your fevered imagination, she’d get called in to a very uncomfortable meeting with HR?
But perhaps I’m being too cynical. I’m going to try not masturbating for a half-hour and see what happens.
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Dunno about you all, but I’m certainly in agreement with this part. And my instinctual response to all this silly wankery is to point and laugh at the delusional fools who sploodged it all over the internet.
Ah yes Stando Powah
Good work, fanfic redditors.
Now if only you can convince them to keep their thoughts, emotions, and words bottled up and off the internet, you’d have something
@Nonny
I think that’s the site’s original motto. (It’s been a billion years since 2016, so I can’t quite remember)
Can confirm. When I don’t have an orgasm for a few days, women can’t stop flirting with me.
Also, when I don’t have an orgasm for a few days, I’m an asshole and don’t let others talk. In addition, my ability to spell and punctuate are compromised.
I am categorically not crazy about any semen-filled men.
Isn’t semen retention mildly bad for your health?
I’m with tim gueguen on this one. The authors of these fantasies are trolling the true believers.
As for the “submissive stare,” I think what he was trying to describe is the classic “come hither” look, where the woman bows her head and tries to look at her eyebrows.
@Prith kDar
The world is not short of people desparately making up stories or hugely exaggerating real events in order to justify their lifestyle choices or to signal their belonging to group and how much they’ve really embraced its values, etc etc. See also, cults, woo, pickup-artistry and indeed most (all?) of the rest of the manosphere.
I can absolutely believe that the authors of these posts are true believers.
@Nonny
Let’s hope that it is because we’ve survived the trumpocalypse, rather than having given up hope of doing so…
Most of those read like the letters pages from “gentleman’s reading material” of the 70s and 80s without the dirty bit. I was just skimming them while looking for the crossword but I’d be surprised if anyone of reasonable intelligence thought they were real.
Some of it is odd though:
It might be a surprise to compulsive masturbators but quite a lot of men go 3 days with “no release” and life doesn’t suddenly become a deodorant advert. In fact, I assume most men don’t count how many days it’s been like someone in recovery from substance abuse, although as they were abusing themselves…
My only explanation for this, other than them being fake, is that going from being an onanistic Gollum to a socialising human is a culture shock and they’ve misconstrued normal human contact as the bit in a mucky video they’d usually fast forward through.
When people get delusional about their behaviour my mind always goes to this:
https://youtu.be/SGVqpMEOgk8?t=1m34s
@Prith kDar:
@Buttercup Q. Skullpants:
Suddenly recalling the Frantics’ sketch-comedy show on the CBC in the 1980s, and the recurring characters who were two guys convinced they “drive women MAD.” Each sketch in which they appeared* involved them interpreting every passing comment from women as flirtation; luckily for the women, each sketch ended with the guys telling each other they’d better go home before they were overwhelmed by all these thirsty women, or caused the downfall of society with their charisma.
*Except one, in which a witness at the Salem witchcraft trials identified these two as the cause of her bewitchment
@ Prith kDar:
Mine is “lower eyelids slightly and raise my left eyebrow,” but it worked well enough once that I ended up marrying him.
I don’t understand why these dudes seem to be so giddy about women allegedly throwing themselves at the nofappers. (Well, actually I do, but it isn’t internally consistent if I assume that these dudes believe that semen should be retained under all circumstances.)
It would be like me going into a vegan forum and bragging about how my new vegan lifestyle is working out amazingly– I haven’t eaten any animal products in two weeks and everyone around me has been falling over themselves to offer me delicious free cheeseburgers. The purpose of giving up something is so that other people will offer you even more of the thing you’re actively trying to avoid?
@Jason_the_cripple I for one welcome our new Godly Overlord. ;D
Exactly.
Arguably the most pathetic thing about these guys (and that’s saying a lot) is how pathetically short the span of their heroic non-orgasm timeframes are. “It was my third day with no release” or “day 8 of my journey”? Like, it’s not that rare even for somebody not viewing a lack of orgasm as some transcendent spiritual experience to just not have one for a few days. Shouldn’t this kind of “magnetism” be happening all the time?
Ten percent of women have literally never had an orgasm in their entire lives, including some quite elderly women. But a precious man goes without for a few days, well! What an accomplishment! *eyeroll*
Try having sex that’s all about her clit and totally ignores your penis, where you aren’t allowed to masturbate after because that would kill her ego, boys. Have a nice taste of what you constantly put women through. Then get whined at for not wanting sex as much as she does.
@Moon_custafer:
Ahh, yes, Four on the Floor. I remember that show.
One of those sketches was also on the Boot to the Head album, with the two of them covering themselves in coats at the beach and nearly falling over from overheating so as not to drive the women around them crazy.
Why does this all read like bad porn?
…what???
I think he means they did the splits…? I don’t know what a leg split is otherwise?
It’s kind of sad that their imaginations are so limited to just porn.
Quite apart from we everything else absurd about this belief, there is the simple fact that semen is, of course, not actually retained in the body.
Moon_custafer:
>>>>>Suddenly recalling the Frantics’ sketch-comedy show on the CBC in the 1980s, and the recurring characters who were two guys convinced they “drive women MAD.”
…and even in context, where the humor comes from the fact that their belief is delusional, the characters could hardly be thinking “I am incredibly attractive to women because I retained my semen!”
@ Anonymous:
…and even in context, where the humor comes from the fact that their belief is delusional, the characters could hardly be thinking “I am incredibly attractive to women because I retained my semen!”
Yeah, even Rick Green et al would have to work overtime to excel these guys in absurdity.
If these guys weren’t also violent, you could almost enjoy their Monty Python level of absurdity.
Their “science” is on the level of the “wise knight” who tries a witch by weighting her against a duck, and their fights with reality on the same level as the black knight, who had his arms and legs cut off.
@Jason.
I got some respect for you man…
@ Pie: I didn’t mean to imply that all of them were trolls. Obviously there are true believers, else there would be no one for the trolls to troll. But the stories about Sexual Harassment Boss, the Nipple Fiddler (complete with ™ added to “LifeJuice”), and especially the Airport of the Amazon Women, with the woman sitting at his feet gazing up at him like a Frazetta illustration, plus his occupation as Lyft driver, just scream troll to me. YMMV.
These things obviously did not happen (some of the other things may have sort of happened, but were misinterpreted through a haze of misogyny, lust, and denial). So are these three trolling, or are they true believers so delusional they believe they happened, or are they just lying to look good for their bros (I’d say the guy who thought all the other men including the bouncers were intimidated by him probably falls in the latter category)? It’s anyone’s guess.