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‘Cause every girl crazy ’bout a semen-filled man: Alleged true tales from the Semen Retention subreddit

Sorry ladies, but I have to deny you my essence

By David Futrelle

The Semen Retention subreddit is a weird place to visit, filled both with arcane manifestos on the spiritual awakenings that supposedly come from never having orgasms, ever, and enthusiastic testimonials from sperm-filled dudes convinced that their onanistic disipline has caused all the women in their immediate vicinity to lust for them like cats in heat, even though actually having sex with one of these women would destroy their no-orgasm streak and, they fear, transform them back into average schmoes again.

The semen retention “movement,” in case you haven’t encountered it before, is sort of a harder core version of NoFap, its ideology a mixture of ancient Buddhism, modern pseudoscience, and more than a little bit of manosphere nonsense. Whereas NoFappers tend to see themselves as fighters of compulsive masturbation and porn addiction, semen retainers see themselves as spiritual warriors protecting their vital “life-force” from dilution — not only by masturbation but also by nocturnal emissions and sex.

Keeping their sperm bottled up inside, they think, will not only enable them to have more energy and think more clearly; it may also give them literal magical powers, helping to bring about, as one Redditor put it, a “magical, synchronistic connection between thoughts & reality.”

Also, they think, it will make women really really hot for them. “The magnetism is real,” writes a Redditor called sleazyz.

Friday; went out for drinks with old friends I haven’t seen in years and the girls including wives of friends couldn’t take they’re eyes off me … .

The magnetism may be real, but the grammar is still wrong.

Naturally, these newborn pussy magnets are eager to share their stories with one another. And so let’s look at some TRUE TALES FROM THE SEMEN RETENTION SUBREDDIT that might possibly not be true at all, I mean come on, this shit is faker than fake.

We’ll start with Sleazyz’s own story. (In this and the stories that follow I’ve taken the liberty of editing for length and breaking into paragraphs because Jesus Christ these guys love their walls-o-text.)

IN WALKS A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY

Friday; went out for drinks with old friends I haven’t seen in years and the girls including wives of friends couldn’t take they’re eyes off me, constant touching and flirty conversation from the bar folk as well. I was dominating every conversation and controlling the flow.

Saturday … I went to meet some buddy’s at the bar … In walks a beautiful young lady comes right up to me and wants to dance within minutes we’re making out on the dance floor …

[T]he magnetism is real. I feel like I put the idea out in the universe and I’ve honed it in.

Not only that, he reports, but the following day HE GOT A WHOLE LOT OF PHONE CALLS AND TEXTS. Apparently people could smell his semen-filled-scent over the phone! And all from only 14 days of not masturbating.

Let’s move to our next story, from a semen-hoarding Redditor called Boxgineer111. Let’s call this one

SHE WAS NEARLY HYPNOTIZED

I attended a seminar today. Not only I did attract women I liked there, I visited a nearby cafe to grab a bite and I had an awkward moment lol. I was eating my burger and there was a girl who stood in front of me; like 15-20 feet away.

For a moment; she locked eyes with me. I didn’t shy away so I locked my eyes with her too. Solid 4-5 seconds. Then we averted our gazes. She was there with her family so I didn’t approach but it was weird. She was nearly hypnotized.

I’m practicing SR for nearly 5 months and it was my 3rd day with no release. … Magnetism is very real.

Now let’s turn to yet another master of the dance (and of his own domain). Take it away, showerdudes9.

GIRLS WERE GRAVITATING TO ME LIKE INSANE

I went out with a friend to dance and drink some (i rarely do that) and when i started dancing and not giving a fuck, like really dancing hard and getting sweaty, girls were gravitating to me like insane. One guy got really mad cause his girl stopped dancing with him and went to me instead.

Everytime i looked at someone, that person was looking at me, it gave me anxiety cause it was so unreal so i couldnt even make eye contact with people …

i’m pretty sure if i wanted to i could have taken home literally any of the girls in that club. …

Even if guys were pissed at me they were too fucking scared to say anything, even the guards there were intimidated by me … .

And now, salinorum and his story of

THE AIRPLANE OF GIRLS

The other day in the airport, I wanted to be alone so I found a section of the airport that was vacant. Within 5 minutes, I had about 5 girls sit in the seats next to me and across from me. One even opted to sit on the floor next to my feet and stare at me, even though there were plenty of empty seats everywhere. …

Then I got on the airplane and it just so happened that my entire row was made up of girls my age, they all proceeded to stare at me in a submissive manner.

The following day, when I returned to work as a Lyft driver, every single passenger I had was a female my age … it got really weird for two days where all I had around me was just women and no men. … And it really awakened me to the fact that women are attuned to some sort subliminal energy field and respond instinctually.

Let’s listen to a high-school student called Alarmed_Equipment and his story, which I’ll call

BUT I’M A CHEERLEADER 2: ELECTRIC SEMENALOO

I was sitting on the corridors when these group of cheerleaders passed by. They all said something to each other near the water faucet. Two of them came right to where i was sitting , performed a leg split, looked dead in my eye giggling to each other and ran away.

I am sure it was a personal show for me as i saw them constantly looking back while walking away.

On a separate instance, a girl who works with me nearly opened her shirt saying it was too uncomfortable. It was on my first streak.

Chris_the_barbarian’s magnetism is apparently quite literal, at least as far as his nipples are concerned.

TOYING WITH MY NIPPLE WHILE I WAS IGNORING HER

I went to the pub few days ago. Had a beer with my mate. Then I had one middle age woman sitting next to me and within 15 minutes she was toying with my nipple while I was ignoring her. Then I passed her on to my mate because I had no interest spending my LifeJuice™ on her.

There is definitely something that’s attracting women on SR.

Let’s end this collection of short stories with one from a fellow with the lovely Reddit handle genocidechimp. As you read through his literally incredible story, bear in mind that this fellow was only on “day 8 of [his] journey” of not touching his penis.

SHE LOVED WHAT I SAID AND STARTED GUSHING AND AWEING

To start off, my boss who is quite attractive sat next to me today and starts chatting with me. Suddenly out of nowhere she says “chimp, I’ve been noticing you flirt with all of the females in the office recently, and they’ve been coming after you what’s your secret huh tell me tell me?” …

I said what first came to my mind which was something along the lines of “A magnet does not know the way it functions, it simply attracts” and winked. She loved what I said and started gushing and aweing And the other female coworkers were too.

After this she started pushing me to answer whether I had asked any of them on a date. … what type of girls I liked, whether I had commitment issues, previous exes etc. Keep in mind this is my female BOSS who never asks me these type of stuff too often.

Dude, that’s probably because if your boss were to do this in real life, rather than in your fevered imagination, she’d get called in to a very uncomfortable meeting with HR?

But perhaps I’m being too cynical. I’m going to try not masturbating for a half-hour and see what happens.

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Gaebolga
Gaebolga
1 year ago

@Anonymous

*puts on pedantic Monty Python geek hat*

The “wise knight” you reference is Sir Bedevere….

*takes off hat*

*hurriedly puts hat back on*

Sir Bedevere: Tell me, what do you do with witches?

Villagers: Burn them!

Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches?

John Clesse Villager: More witches!

Eric Idle Villager: Wood!

Sir Bedevere: So, why do witches burn?

[pause]

[villagers mumbling amongst themselves]

Eric Idle Villager: Be…because they’re made of wood?

Sir Bedevere: Good!

*takes off hat again*

Anonymous
Anonymous
1 year ago

FWIW, I believe *they* believe it happened. These guys are sure that any women who is mildly polite to them, and perhaps even smiles at them, is secretly infatuated with their incredible manliness and is sending them covert signs of eternal love.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 year ago

@Moon_custafer: Perfect reference. Also, I’d totally forgotten about Mr. Canoehead. Thank you!

Then I got on the airplane and it just so happened that my entire row was made up of girls my age, they all proceeded to stare at me in a submissive manner.

How do you stare in a come-hither way at someone sitting in the same airplane row? Passengers all face the same way. You’d have to lean forward, twist around, and crane your head. It would be super awkward if one person did it, let alone 3 or more people.

Basically, all these stories boil down to “I went outside of the house, and women looked at me. I win!!”

KindaSortaHarmless
KindaSortaHarmless
1 year ago

@Buttercup Q. Skullpants

For some of these losers, “I went outside of the house, and women looked at me without vomiting or calling the cops” probably does count as a win.

Robert
Robert
1 year ago

They spend a lot of time thinking about their Liquid Fucking Gold ™, don’t they?

Obscure SF reference, Jacqueline Lichtenberg’s ‘Sime/Gen’ series: these sentimental sementalists seem to believe that women can sense their accumulated elan vital and are driven to absorb it by any sexy, sexy means necessary.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Buttercup,

That’s why field reports are some of my favorite types of posts. They’re always accounts of normal, everyday interactions hilariously misinterpreted as evidence of the reporter’s supreme alphaness. It never gets old.

Hambeast
Hambeast
1 year ago

Whoa. It just occurs to me that I worked with one of these guys!

It was way back in the 80s when I was stationed in Nebraska. The guy’s roommate was my trainer and told me that this guy, I’ll call him ProtoMRA, was convinced that women everywhere were all entranced by him. Even me and the only other woman in our shop, who was married and had kids. She, incidentally, couldn’t stand ProtoMRA. I never paid much attention to the guy, myself.

My trainer (I’ll call him Trainer Guy) had already told me about his roommate’s shall we say, odd habits and beliefs, not to mention his self-published weight-loss book, but this was hard for me to believe.

So, Trainer Guy and I decided to mess with him by having me go over to their apt. We went into Trainer Guy’s room, closed the door and proceeded to play backgammon while giggling and moaning a lot. After ProtoMRA stormed out of the place, Trainer Guy made me dinner and showed me ProtoMRA’s copy of “How to Pick Up Girls” which (at the time) was a hoot. And during our next shift, the blow-by-blow of their conversation (more like interrogation) afterward was mind-blowingly funny! Plus? I got dirty looks from ProtoMRA at every shift-change for months!

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
1 year ago

I cannot look at the phrase “semen retention” without thinking of this: Back before he became famous for A Song of Ice and Fire, George R. R. Martin edited a series of books called Wild Cards— a collection of short stories by different authors but which took place in a shared alternate universe where an outbreak of an alien virus in the 1940s causes mutations in individuals around the world. Those who developed cool superhuman powers are referred to as “aces” and are treated as celebrities; most, however, are merely horribly disfigured by their exposure to the virus, are referred to as “jokers” and are discriminated against. One of the aces is called Fortunato who practices tantric magic as part of his powers which causes his forehead to bulge as a result of his retained, um, fluids.

(The character is also half-African-American, half-Japanese which I imagine would be anathema to many of this lot)

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
1 year ago

@Robert:
I remember those books, yes. Read most of them in University. Ended up meeting and chatting with the authors briefly at an SF convention some years later.

(One SF blog I read had someone snarkily responding to a typo of ‘get sime friends’ with ‘I’m sorry, I only have gen friends.’)

@Cat Mara:
And then you had folks like Peregrine who really straddled the line between Joker and Ace.

tim gueguen
1 year ago

Weird to see an outbreak of Frantics nostalgia here. I’m guessing the Kids in the Hall were big Frantics fans.

Moon Custafer
Moon Custafer
1 year ago

@Tim:

I’d watch a throw-down between Mr. Interesting and the “It’s a Fact” girl.

Robert
Robert
1 year ago

Cat Mara – I remember that story! Wild Cards was an interesting take on the superhero concept.

Dalillama
Dalillama
1 year ago

@Cat Mara
I used to have a complete set of those up to book 14, but had to sell them during one of my periods of unemployment. They went to someone who appreciated them at least.

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
1 year ago

@Jenora: IIRC, there were also “deuces”: people to whom the virus granted superpowers that were essentially useless, like a “flight” power that meant you could only hover six inches off the ground, or the ability to raise your body temperature by a few degrees, etc.

@Robert: It was definitely an interesting take in that it tried to have a consistent backdrop to all the stories (despite the different authors) while exploring the real-world consequences of superhumans suddenly showing up in our world. The web serial “Worm” (which you can read online for free and which I recommend if superheroes are your thing and you haven’t already read it, though it’s quite dark) reminded me a lot of it.

@Dalillama: Unfortunately, I only ever got to read the first volume. I must’ve picked it up towards the end of its run because the books promptly disappeared from the bookshops not long after. ☹️

Dalillama
Dalillama
1 year ago

@Cat Mara
They’re all in reprints now cos of the tv series and some new books came out.

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
1 year ago

@Cat Mara:
Yeah, I think one of the Deuces could make his nose glow. He could get hired for parties, anyway.

(Actually, one of my favourite online superhero serials, the Academy of Superheroes, played with that a bit in setting up its own consistent background. Some of the super-tech types create equipment that will only work in the hands of someone else with powers, but it doesn’t actually matter WHAT power. So there’s steady employment for people with ‘useless’ powers in that they can still pick up and use the more ‘magic’ equipment. A lot of that steady work is as security guards, but still. Note that this serial is also a bit dark, but the worst of that darkness is in the past of the main storyline.)

griffon8
griffon8
1 year ago

If it’s purely semen retention that these people are after, wouldn’t getting a vasectomy be the greatest thing they could do? Never let your semen out ever again!

Aristotle
Aristotle
9 months ago

Dear misandry feminazis enjoy your cat’s company while hating and gossiping men.

Solo
Solo
7 months ago

Sounds like a lot of people are mad at semen retention… you all sound like straight bitches loool