By David Futrelle
Last Friday, a man walked up to a mother and her five-year-old boy who were standing outside the Rain Forest Cafe on the third floor of Minnesota’s Mall of America. Without saying a word, he grabbed the boy and threw him over the balcony.
Luckily, the boy survived the fall, and is being treated for multiple severe injuries at a local hospital. His assailant, a 24-year-old man named Emmanuel Deshawn Aranda, was captured as he tried to flee the mall, and has confessed to the crime, according to police. He’s been charged with attempted murder.
As unsettling as all this is, what makes it even more unsettling is the apparent motive for the attack. According to the Hennepin County Attorney Mike Freeman, Aranda was driven by rage over being rejected by women.
A statement put out by the Attorney’s office says that
Aranda told police he had come to the mall on Thursday intending to kill an adult, but that it did not “work out,” according to the complaint. He returned Friday and chose the boy instead. He told police he knew what he was planning to do was wrong. Aranda said he had been coming to the mall for years, tried to speak to women there and they rejected him. That made him lash out and act aggressively.
According to the complaint itself, Aranda had been previously banned from the mall “for throwing water in a woman’s face and destroying property. He has a warrant for his arrest from Illinois for assault. …”
It’s not clear if Aranda had any connection to the incel “movement,” such as it is, or if he was inspired by previous incel acts of violence like Elliot Rodger’s 2014 killing spree or the van attack in Toronto a year ago. But he was clearly motivated by the “aggrieved entitlement” that is rampant among men in America and throughout the world today.
On the Braincels subreddit, the site’s main forum for incels, the regulars seem most concerned that they will get “slammed” for the brutal attempted murder. While no one in the desultory discussion of the case there is glorifying Aranda the way that incels have glorified Elliot Rodger, one commenter is offering him a certain degree of sympathy.
“I think not getting pussy does something to the brain,” writes BBCislaw, “it’s a legitimate issue that will be ignored in favor of mocking the afflicted.”
On Incels.co, the largest incel forum off of Reddit, they don’t seem to have discovered the story yet, though the regulars are currently celebrating the pain suffered by a 22-year-old “Stacey” who apparently fell from a clock tower while attempting to take a selfie, and voting in a poll on what they see as the proper punishment for couples who kiss in public. (At the moment, “torture/death by soldering iron” is in the lead.)
The incel ideology is pure poison.
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I’ll circle back later. It looks like I generated some comments, and I appreciate that my comment made it past moderation.
Let me say that my experience is that of a very binary male, but I haven’t always been so. The more I own it, the more I am rewarded by society. It has been interesting.
Women and non-binary folks can absolutely be brave, contribute, all that good stuff. Definitely. 100%. The more the merrier, I say.
My focus is on working out positive masculinity, not cutting anyone down, not denying anyone the ability to grow, learn, live and love as they see fit.
I’d say that this is an example of preforming masculinity in the rigid ways that society allows being rewarded, but I’ve never been too good at gender roles lol.
@Anonymous
Whenever has society valued self-control in this case?
It has always been fashionable for men to respond with violence to but the pettiest of slights. It’s visible from Greek myths to XIX century style duels.
Stereotypes of women who seduce and corrupt good men who just can’t help themselves were likewise present since antiquity.
Yeah, being visibly overcome by emotion is not considered manly. But if you do a manly frown and deck in the face whoever has insulted your “honor”, your masculinity is safe.
Boys are taught not to hit girls, but they’re also taught that to be considered a real man they need to “own” a women. Somehow, this contradiction must be resolved, and it’s often resolved with violence.
Especially since traditional masculinity offers no positive ways to handle rejection. Using violence is perhaps unmanly, but less so than not using violence and just “taking it” and allowing oneself to be “cucked”.
Contrast, also, with the case of rape. Boys aren’t taught that rape is good, but if you ask rapists, most don’t consider what they did as rape. It’s always some other thing, always justified and in line with their view of what a good man should do.
I think self control is more expected of women than men anyway. Sure, women get more leeway to cry in certain situations, like a wedding or funeral. But displays of emotion are also used against us as evidence that we’re weak and fragile. Black women in particular have displays of emotion used against them and will also be labelled angry quite easily. It’s also far less socially acceptable for women to be hedonistic in any way. Drinking, casual sex, experimentation with drugs, travelling alone, going out late, blowing off obligations, being lax about housekeeping etc are all frowned upon for women but considered normal for men. Women are also expected to be a lot more polished and composed when it comes to dress, hair, body language, posture. Then there’s the tight control we’re expected to maintain over eating and weight.
Then there’s the fact that not only are we expected to regulate our own emotions, we must maintain men’s emotions as well. Women are said “emasculate” men, for example.
On the failure thing, I’m a bit put off by the framing of this. By choosing to accuse us of wanting men to feel ashamed of failure in the comments of this specific post, the implication is that Aranda failed to pick up women. Well, no. He was a serial harasser. Harassment isn’t an innocent failure to successfully interact with women. It’s an act of aggression. Men do not harass women because they don’t know any better and need to learn social skills. They do it to dominate and they do it because they view women as objects, public property. Talking about a man being met with contempt or fear because he’s harassing women as a mere failure is actually a perfect example of what I was saying. Men may be told not to hurt us, but whenever they do hurt us, there’s always plenty of apologia to go around. The vast majority of men would agree immediately that it was wrong to try and murder a child, yet a whole lot of them will identify with and empathize with Aranda all the same.
>>>>>Whenever has society valued self-control in this case?
In my society, at least, this is the case. Boys should not hit girls, and wife-beaters and rapists, whatever their legal status in traditional society, were held in contempt.
As for having women – men are taught they’re not men unless they have a woman, but women are taught they’re not worth much unless they “get” a man, too. It is more a pressure to marry for both sexes than men vs. women, I think.
I’d like to lead off with an apparent contradiction. When I say I’m hardcore gender binary, I mean I am here to talk about masculinity and masculine problems. At the same time, it is not the case that masculinity and femininity are diametrically opposed. There’s not really enough time to unpack that right now, since I saw a lot of @ my name on the thread, I thought I would focus on those instead.
I am not denying for a microsecond that women & non-binary folks can be brave. Nor am I talking about it, at least right now. I’m tackling the problem of toxic masculinity and trying to paint (really just sketch) a picture of healthy masculinity, nothing more. So when I talk about bravery, I’m talking about things in a man’s heart, from this man’s heart.
This is a fantastic point. It is really important to own your failures. From my point of view, there’s a dangerous psychological trap in getting used to failure, so it’s best to face one’s failures. FSM knows I have. “Knocked down seven times, got up eight.”
100%. My point was more “It’s something you want to do, can do, and should do, but the little voice in your head told you not to do it, or move forward in a way that was bound to fail.” That is toxic, and I’d argue drives plenty of toxic masculinity. It’s better to ruminate on a failure than ruminate on not trying or self sabotage.
(and by the way, mass cold approach is self sabotage, along with all of the other evils involved, it is also self sabotage, that shit just can’t work)
In general, no, folks here aren’t happy about rising racism. However, there’s more of a schism in the manosphere now than people are even aware of, over racism, and I’m guessing folks here won’t be sad about that.
Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.
Ha! Touche.
All of this is well taken. It’s not so much that he failed to pick up women, it’s that he seems like a loser in the first place. I have no idea how to help that, to be honest. And I do at least somewhat subscribe to the idea that it’s going to get worse, because women are rocking it and have much less use for losers.
I know where I am, at least I know what website I’m on. I have struggled for a very long time. Make no mistake, I am rocking it. But my path has been torturous. I don’t know if what I have to say is useful or even welcome here, but I feel I lost other online communities because of bigotry and hatred. In retrospect, I think I was hardly tolerated anyway due to my overall liberal views.
One of the most heart wrenching sayings I’ve ever heard is this: “God grant me the self-confidence of the mediocre white man.” ugh. That one just breaks my heart, and makes me feel like the failure I led off with.
I’m on a thread on a feminist website, talking about a murderous incel, while being a man who has literally angered women by not hitting on them. I’ve always been good looking, but barbell training put me over the top. I sometimes dress down because of all the attention I get, although my uniform is bro dude tight v-neck t-shirt & jeans, and it works. Yet I am quite timid when it comes to actually suggesting we meet later for a drink when talking to someone clearly interested, while hordes of shitheads are out there harassing women.
Pretty fucking toxic juxtaposition, if you ask me.
Apologies for the rambling soul searching. Thanks to all for being kind.
The idea that prisons are extra dangerous for those guilty of sex crimes* or child abuse* is largely a myth. As a society, we claim to condemn child abuse and sex crimes, while actually doing everything possible to avoid addressing either. That is kind of rape culture 101. Everyone agrees rapists are evil, but a combination of denial, victim blaming, normalization, and apologia make it difficult for actual victims to get justice. The same is very much true of child abuse. Everyone agrees child abuse is wrong, but actual victims encounter denial and apologia.
The thing about prisons (and during my years as a NY defense attorney* I have spent a fair amount of time with inmates) is that prisons are just little microcosms of our society. So sure, everyone knows that inmates focus their violence on those guilty of sex crimes and child abuse, except the statistics don’t back that up. Individual inmates get abused by their peers for the same reason anyone gets bullied and abuses outside of prison. Inter-inmate violence is about power, domination, group dynamics, and profit. The stories that inmates tell themselves about justifiable violence are just stories or sometimes they are excuses for unrelated violence. I mean, sure someone guilty of rape or child abuse may get assaulted, but chances are those perpetrating the assault openly accept others convicted of those same crimes. Denial and apologia are as common in prisons as they are in society.
*I mention sex crimes and child abuse specifically because these myths most frequently claim that one or both of those will be punished by other inmates in prison.
*To be clear all prison violence is unacceptable. I am just clarifying that these alleged justifications for such violence are myth.
*I no longer do defense work. I currently represent crime victims in civil proceedings.
Hold on, hold on…
I don’t know that anyone would describe disengaging from a confronting situation as “toxic masculinity”. “Toxic masculinity” refers to destructive things men are taught to do to prove their manliness, and I’ve never heard of avoiding danger and confrontation lauded as especially masculine. And this deep shame you feel… if you can’t believe it’s cultural, you’re suggesting it’s… genetic, or otherwise some innate aspect of being a man that cannot be taught?
Okay, I was 50/50 on whether you’re trolling, but now I know.
Which society is this? Because I’d like to live there!
@John
No honey, he wasn’t a loser. He was a harasser. which means he’s a bully that likes to make people feel uncomfortable, especially women. Somewhere he decided he couldn’t take on a grown women so he attacked a child that couldn’t possibly fight back against a grown man. You wanna come in here and tell us he’s a loser and try to tell us about positive masculinity when no one said masculinity is inherently toxic. Just stop sugar, these people who are much wiser then I am, will drag you to the next state.
This reminds me of the Jonchuck trial. He killed his daughter by dropping her off a bridge.
https://www.tampabay.com/news/pinellas/crime/john-jonchuck-guilty-of-first-degree-murder-in-2015-death-of-his-daughter-phoebe-20190416/
I… @John, i’m not sure if you’re honestly trying to engage here, i think so? But describing your physical appearance and then saying that women have been upset that you haven’t made a move… You don’t need to humblebrag, here. No one cares how many women you’ve been with, flirted with, had relationships with, or how ‘good’ your lifting made you look. (Honestly, no funning, no one cares.)
I have to agree with @Diptych above. Toxic masculinity isn’t like… Aggression. Sometimes aggression is what someone needs in a situation. It becomes toxic when the only allowable option is hurt other people or yourself. So, dealing with all pain with anger, perhaps.
Also have to emphatically echo @Lainy, THIS is SUPER TOXIC
HE WAS NOT A LOSER. A ‘loser’ in the English language (north american usage, can’t speak for others) has a hmm… Cultural definition we are all familiar with. He’s a sad sack guy who is sweet but a little awkward around people/women. Probably not a great job, not a great dresser, bit often judged more harshly by people than he deserves to be.
This guy is a creep. He’s frightening. He isn’t a harmless schmuck, but rather someone who threw drinking glasses at women (i think). He did enought that he was banned from the mall, at least.
Painting him as a ‘loser who failed to pick up women’ is toxic AF. He was someone who thought these stupid women were keeping him from having sex, which he was owed.
And then he hurt a child.
(Sorry for not being specific about what he did, it’s late and i’m tired.)
@ jenniferandlightning
That’s interesting, because it definitely is the case here. To the extent that “Rule 43” (the provision* that allows certain prisoners to be isolated from the general population for their own safety) is slang here for paedophiles.
It’s very much the same though that prisons are just microcosms of general public attitudes; and that throws up some interesting observations about sex offences.
It wouldn’t be appropriate to clutter this thread with a discussion about the topic; but maybe next open thread if that would interest you in a US/UK comparison?
(*its actually Rule 45 now but the name stuck)
@JenniferAndLightning
I respect that you were a defense attorney and were in a position to have experience, but my dad was a prison ER doctor and he had to treat the consequences of it not being a myth. Perhaps it varies by state and/or prison? Some truly heinous shirt went down while he was a prison doc.
@WWTH
Right?! I was giving him the benefit of the doubt just in case, but he kicked over the balance and is now using the scale dish as a shiny hat.
@Alan, @jenniferandlightning
Not that my views are of any importance, but I hope this discussion happens, as I’d find it most fascinating.
About male/female virtues: the idea that bravery is male and compassion female comes from Aristotle.
But Aristotle never meant there are no compassionate men or brave women, that only men are brave and only women compassionate.
He simply meant that the morally appropriate *degree* of bravery a *typical* man should exhibit is higher than that of a typical woman, and vice versa for compassion.
Even the average woman should be brave, only the degree of bravery required of her is less. What is more, some women can and do exist who are (and should be) as brave as men.
Aristotle also thought that:
1) dark skinned women couldn’t orgasm
2) relative temperature between menstrual blood and semen defined inheritance of physical traits of kids
3) strong semen equaled boy baby, and if you have just daughters you must have weak as heck manly discharge
4) and a ton of other outdated/scientifically disproven stuff
Maaaaybe take anything the dude said about men and women with a large heaping is salt. I’ll give him some credit; while not as progressive as Plato, he wasn’t quite as patriarchal as the avererage dude in his culture, and it’s not his fault they didn’t have compound microscopes, but…
…he’s definitely not my go to guy for knowing what the difference is between men and women’s mindsets and behaviors.
It doesn’t though. He may have phrased a preexisting idea in a certain way, but he didn’t create it.
Plus, I’m not sure what you’re trying to say with that. You just kind of put that information out there, without any conclusion or after thought. Why does Aristotles opinion on men and women matter to the conversation? Do you agree with him? Is it just a neat fact you wanted to share?
He’s both. I’ll see myself out.
@Cyborgette:
Maybe it’s because we rehearse disasters so much in our heads? I do, anyway, and yet am able to rise to the occasion when something serious goes down.
@John
See, this is toxic masculinity – the idea that the most important thing is winning and everything is about winning or losing and if you don’t succeed you’re a loser. Women aren’t prizes to be won. A relationship isn’t something you win at or lose at. His inability to connect with someone in the way he hoped he would doesn’t mean he lost. It’s neither good nor bad. Not everyone meets someone they’re compatible with. That’s okay. It doesn’t make them losers.
@John – he’s not a loser. Kupo put it really well.
Also, I’m not sure if you thought that was funny (with the ‘I’ll see myself out’ quip) or… if you are leaving? Because it wasn’t funny, at all, so now I’m just confused.
I was putting this idea here simply because people were arguing about women and bravery, some suggesting women aren’t brave.
My point was that *even on* the traditional concept of bravery that comes from the ancient Greeks, women can be brave, and they (the Greeks) never meant otherwise.
Of course Aristotle was influenced by previous thinkers, which he would have been the first to acknowledge. But I mentioned him specifically b/c he was the most influential thinker to speak about it.