By David Futrelle
Incels, and quite a few of their misogynistic brethren in the MGTOW and Men’s Rights movements, are more than a little obsessed with what they see as the impending arrival of super-realistic sexbots that, these guys think, will make women obsolete, because in their minds all that women are good for is sex anyway.
So hard to understand why they can’t get laid!
Well, I have some good news for them — and perhaps even more importantly, for the actual human women that these guys continue to pester for sex while they wait for the sexbot utopia.
The technology is already available for dudes who would like to enjoy some of the sensations of real bump-and-grind sex with women without any women being there. The Chinese company Sanwe has rolled out (literally, it has wheels on it) something called the SW-3701 Trolley Type Sperm Collector/ Automatic Semen Collector/ Premature Ejaculation Instrument, and it could well turn out to be the girl of many an incel’s dreams.
The SW-3701 — let’s call her Swanna, which is a real if somewhat uncommon female name, honest — is a medical device designed to extract and collect semen samples, to put it a little euphemistically, from guys too shy to jerk off in a doctor’s office. She’s been around for a few years, but I only learned of her after videos of her in action kind of blew up on Twitter a couple of days ago.
Clearly this device could have, er, non-medical uses.
Now, Swanna may not be much to look at — she’s not what you’d call a Stacey, and indeed the only indication she’s even a she is the pink coloring.
But as the second video there makes clear she seems to have some some mad skills that make her far more than just a glorified Fleshlight that moves back and forth by itself. Could be a fun little romp for all the penis-havers now living in lonelytown — or at least for those not too terrified by the mysterious red glow or the weird tentacle-mouth-anus-thing up in there.
I’ve been perusing some of the documentation and promotional material for this unique device, and I have much to report.
Here are some of Swanna’s main features, as described on its her product page on Alibaba, where you can purchase it her for the low, low price of $4,999.
(1)The device can simulate the environment of women’s vagina which makes the patient feel comfortable in the process of collecting semen.
(2)Provide a full range of visual, auditory and olfaction stimulation
Basically, it plays porn on the little screen on top; presumably the headphones are for the porn as well.
But, er, olfaction? What exactly does an Automatic Semen Collection Instrument (Trolley Type) smell like? Flowers? Vagina? Chanel No. 5? Cheetos?
(3)Exclusive semen-collection sheath can eliminate contamination of semen
(4)All-round isolation measures to prevent cross-infection
Basically, the user attaches what is essentially the Automatic Semen Collecter version of a female condom on Swanna’s pink tube, and also wears a condom himself, to keep from getting Swanna’s insides all gunked (and spunked) up.
(5)All-round air bags make semen-collection true experience.
I have no idea what that means, except that maybe the air bags are what make those tentacle things on the inside of Swanna’s tube move?
(6)Good human-machine interface and easy to operate
I would hope this would be the case for every device that someone is sticking their dick in.
According to the product page, the device serves several “therapeutic functions,” including, of course, semen collection.
It can simulate vaginal environment, and through massage, twitching, sucking, vibration, etc., act upon the human penis, which can make semen collection be fast and safe.
Despite her apparent ability to collect semen “fast,” with all that sucking and twitching and whatnot, Swanna can also, apparently, help penis-havers who are maybe too quick to give up their semen.
Premature ejaculation desensitization training
The strong currents impact and rub the glans penis repeatedly in order to reduce the excitability of nerve endings so as to passivate the nerve of glans penis, sulcus coronarius, and the surface of the penis, and regulate the sex nerve center in order to minimize nerve sensitivity, improve ejaculatory threshold to treat premature ejaculation.
So our dear Swanna apparently has a special mode where she … beats the crap out of any penis in her tube until it’s too numb to feel?
Definitely check with your doctor before trying that out.
If all this sounds a bit clinical and maybe even a little scary, perhaps this promotional video with soothing music will put you at ease. It’s not in English (obviously) but I think you can probably follow along pretty well regardless.
In case you didn’t actually watch all that, here are a few highlights.
The machine apparently comes equipped with incel-ready porn.
Also, and alongside the mysterious red light this may be my favorite thing about the device: You start Swanna up by pressing on her big pink button, conveniently located above her, er, opening.
This may be as close as some incels ever come to touching a clit, and happily it is designed to be a little easier for them to find.
Note to incels: With actual human vagina-havers, the pink button is located a lot closer to the opening. And you have to do a bit more than just press it once for your partner to become fully turned on.
Swanna, unlike human women, also comes with a user’s manual, with many interesting features. For example, it contains these extremely sexy instructions to getting down with Lady SW.
1) Adjusting the sperm barrel height into a appropriate position.
This is also an important step when having sex with fellow humans.
2) Watch DVD disc before using it. (DVD discs are on the rear LCD screen. In the shutdown case, just gently push up to replace the LCD screen discs)
With humans, this is optional, though sometime’s it’s nice to watch a movie together first. Or at least the first ten minutes of it.
3) Users stand wearing a condom on the penis before using, with a little human lubricant on the condom.
Definitely use a lubricant specifically for humans. I cannot stress this enough. If the lubricant is glowing, and the box has a 5-dimensional hologram of a space alien on it, set it down immediately, before the quantum entanglement effects kick in.
4) Put the penis into sperm tube, turn on the switch of the master power supply, and adjust the pressure regulator knob to the appropriate massage efforts and then begin to massage the penis.
Exactly like in human sex.
5) After the penile erection, turn on the speed adjustment knob, which can change motion speed.
Again, just like in human sex. Not complicated at all.
6) For some time, after the completion of successfully fetching sperm, please turn off the speed adjustment knob and the master switch.
You may also wish to smoke a cigarette, though if you’re using this in your doctor’s office that’s probably not a good idea.
One troubleshooting tip: if you get a little too, er, passionate during the penis insertion portion of the robot sex, you and the machine may need to take a little breather. As the manual explains:
Because the improper improper improper improper forcibly forcibly forcibly forcibly of the user, the Instruments Instruments Instruments Instruments with power-off power-off power-off power-off protection. protection. protection. protection. The device can recovery recovery recovery recovery by itself about 2 minutes. minutes. minutes. minutes. Please don’t operate operate operate operate or touch the machine machine machine machine in the period of power-off power-off power-off power-off protection. protection. protection. protection. If the device can’t recovery recovery recovery recovery in 2 minutes, minutes, minutes, minutes, please restart restart restart restart it.
I’m not exactly sure what happened there. I cut and pasted directly from the manual, which didn’t contain the extra words. I will assume that this is an important secret message from the robot world and leave the extra words in.
Anyway, if anyone else has a date with Swanna after you, you need to make sure that either you or your doctor cleans up the disgusting mess you left behind. And cast that fucking shit OUT.
Avoid overlapping infection, each user has a set of tube and tube cover when they are inspected. The tube and tube cover are disposable consumables, we can’t throw them into the dustbin directly, we should cast away them after destroing them.
Then there’s this unsettling instruction:
Please purchase the consumers from our company.
I don’t even want to know what that’s about.
Speaking of confusing, if any of the other instructions seem a bit unclear to you, there is also a helpful flow chart, though honestly it raises as many questions as it answers.
The interrogation portion sounds kind of hot, though.
Definitely “clear up the things.” Clear up ALL THE THINGS.
I think I’ve covered all the important points here.
Incels, this is your future. Enjoy it! I now pronounce you man and waifu.
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Honestly the name Swanna being thrown around so much is just making me picture people having sex with the Pokemon and it’s really creepy.
Though probably not as much as the usual fare with these guys I guess.
Instructions unclear: dick stuck in toaster.
Well this is going to help quite a few people.
I suppose a Fleshlight is out of the question?
@David
This is without a doubt the funniest article you’ve published in a while, in that it’s not laugh-so-you-don’t-cry/break down in despair/go hide in a cave forever. Thanks for the relief!
What if I, as a dude to them, believed that men will be or are obsolete?
Anyone else think that second video from AngryManTV would be way better with a 70s porn soundtrack?
First they see women as mobile sperm collectors (great band name), then they wonder why women don’t want to be their girlfriends.
I think I can speak for most men when I say that if I *COULD* get the brainless submissive supermodel wife they seem to want, I wouldn’t. Living with her would become boring and pointless very soon, quite apart from all moral and legal problems with this scenario.
My life experience tells me that looks, income, and even penis / breast size *do* matter in relationships… BUT they don’t matter THAT much, and are much less important than character and compatibility.
Just look at the “happy” married life of most super-rich and super-attractive Hollywood stars, for example.
>>> Adjusting the sperm barrel height into a appropriate position. This is also an important step when having sex with fellow humans.
You don’t say.
We need evil engineers to get sex robots to sense if their owner is an incel and then refuse to have sex with them.
– “Open the bay doors, Hal.”
– “I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that”.
It’s like if an Alexa was designed by Roosh.
Honestly, the part that I think would, er, turn incels off isn’t the fact that she’s a robot, but that they’re supposed to wear condoms.
Shooting Rope to Waluigi never felt so good =.)
I understand it’s basically like starting a lawnmower. First, press the button several times slowly to prime the engine. Then, give a good yank on the tampon cord.
Now, she’s ready to eat salad.
@anonymous:
“A compatibility error has been detected; please try again never.”
The Venus 2000, by the same people who make the Sybian, does a pretty similar job, is much cheaper and has been available for years. I guess the mistake they made was neglecting the olfactory stimulation market.
Truly we live in a golden age of MGOTW. /s
I suppose incels and the like are going to add a J between the S and W, just for the “pleasure” to say “I fuck a SJW” ?
The machine looks a little scary. I’m not at all sure I’d want to stick a body part inside a machine that glows red and undulates.
I don’t think ‘olfactory’ was the word they wanted. Unless smell-o-vision porn is a thing. As to what word they did want, who knows.
Kat –
men *love* sticking body parts into things that glow red and undulate, preferably *because* of that body part.
Lumipuna –
I know someone who more or less did just that, only with a string of love beads, not a tampon. In his innocence (a relative term, obviously) he thought that was what he was *supposed* to do.
Pie –
Now I can’t stop thinking what will happen if someone sticks the sybian inside the Venus 2000.
Maybe “olfaction” is an unfortunate portmanteau of “oral satisfaction”? Who knows? I just enjoyed the chuckles from this post.
@anonymous
I’m imagining that, a prospective buyer would have to take a lie detector test where they’re asked if they are a virgin.
If they turn out to be one, they’re still allowed to purchase their sexbot. It will, however, be equipped with a pair of razor-sharp blades.
Snip snip! ?
It bears a disturbing resemblance to the turret robots from Portal.
I read this in the Monster Truck commercial voice. Sunday! Sunday! SUNDAYYYYY!
(We’ll sell you the whole seat, but you’re only gonna need the edgggggge…..)