By David Futrelle
From Twitter, some thoughts about the horrific tragedy yesterday in Christchurch — and just who is responsible for creating the toxic environment in which this sort of murderous right-wing Islamophobic extremism thrives.
At some point I hope to have regular posts up on this horrendous subject but right now I just can’t.
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Hi, I’ve been following this blog for years now and I finally decided to de-lurk, but my first post doesn’t show up (it was hours ago) and I did read through the comment policy and followed all instructions. Am I doing something wrong?
@Epitome
That’s the scary part. My locker does have a lock on it. I have a little key for it. Its not a padlock
I’m not sure if this is a smart move, but if kindness was an Olympic sport, he’d win the gold forever.
https://www.reuters.com/article/us-newzealand-shootout-survivor-wife-idUSKCN1QZ2O0?utm_campaign=trueAnthem%3A+Trending+Content&utm_content=5c9055734b73850001c4f1c1&utm_medium=trueAnthem&utm_source=facebook&fbclid=IwAR1_YwtDJKHFub_BwAFmrYw3-tvGMNcfU63gMqsgfNiXuQMoIQXZbOwt1Vg
@Lainy,
I’d say get a combination lock pronto, and use that instead. If he’s still leaving notes in your purse after that, then you know he’s doing it via entering the bathroom, if nothing else.
Also, see how the local hotels are set up to dissuade strangers from entering them and find out how much they are per night. And keep a travel bag with a change or two of clothes in it plus toiletries, just in case you need to move fast and none of your friends/family are available right then (like, if you need to move at like 2am on a party night or something).
General queastion: how easy is it for someone who isn’t in law enforcement to track check/credit card purchases from a third party’s account(s)? Because if this guy is regularly rifling through Lainy’s purse, he might have gotten those account numbers and…. D:
(And sorry if I just added a new layer of fear on you, Lainy, but that just occurred to me, and decided to at least ask so that avenue for tracking you can be blocked.)
@Redsilkphoenix: Jetpack Vixen, Intergalactic Meanie
I didn’t even think about that. His family is pretty well off so I doubt he would need what little money I had in my accounts. And if he can see what I’m purchasing I feel like he would have said something about it given the amount of sex toys and lingerie I bought the last couple of weeks. This is a guy who comments if I wear a different type of perfume then from what I normally wear. I just feel like he wouldn’t be able to keep the knowledge of the fact I bought a fishnet body suit to himself. My bank also has really good Identify thief protection stuff. I get an email alert if my banking stuff is even looked at from a different computer then what I normally use.
Lainy, none of this is your fault.
None of this is your fault.
None of this is your fault.
And while it’s unfortunate that this is happening to you and you needed space to talk about it, and that it’s so urgent you couldn’t even wait for a more open-ended thread, I don’t think that a thread responding to mass murder is a bad place to talk about solving problems that might lead to future violence.
I’m glad you’re talking about it. I hope that you’re able to take steps that protect you well. And none of this is your fault.
Be well. Be safe. Do good.
seedy
@Lainy, you aren’t doing anything wrong to get this attention. If you are short then that is probably part of it; predators like looking for targets that are less physically imposing. That’s why men tend to prefer dating women who are shorter than they are. Our romance/dating/beauty standards are run through with predatory garbage.
It sounds to me like this guy has access to whatever information that the company has on you. It’s good that your bank has such good theft protection, because if he feels snubbed that might be a path he tries to take. So he won’t be able to do anything to your account that way. Good!
You’re in a really awful spot, my duck. I’d run with the assumption that he knows anything about you that your employers know. Either way, I hope that you tossing his flower on the ground and driving away gave him a clue to piss off, and that it won’t cost you your job. Ideally he’ll just be grumpy and will avoid you.
I hope it turns out for the best! <3
“Our romance/dating/beauty standards are run through with predatory garbage.”
I couldn’t agree more, and it’s scary how little the broad mass questions why the current beauty standard is for women to be smaller than her man and why a relationship between a young woman just entering adulthood and a man old enough to be her father should be accepted just like that, or why clothing deemed feminine, like high heels and tight skirts are actively hindering women’s movement and preventing them from running, and that’s not even going into all the creepy stalker tropes in all “romantic” books and movies out there.
@Lainy
Sorry you are going through this. You need to start looking at other employment alternatives, just in case. Remember that the current political climate has emboldened not only White supremacists, but also all forms of misogynists, even if both groups intersect one another.
Is it currently possible to move in with your fiance? Somewhere he can’t track you? I’m not trying to freak you out any more than you already are but, as others have said, safety comes first. You have absolutely no guarantee how this guy will react to a flat out rejection. Best case scenario I see him just bumping up workplace hostility until you leave, worst case scenario he could get violent.
Unfortunately I can only see the police being just as dismissive as management was, so it’s better to take matters into your own hands.
@Lainy
I’ll add my voice to the chorus of support here. Stay safe. Take precautions. Remember that it is not YOUR responsibility to teach this guy how to behave, or to do anything else for him.
Reminds me of a creepy story from a few years ago. When I was moving out of my apartment, I cleaned out a junk drawer in my hallway. I found one of those magazine subscription cards with a note on it. The note was about how it was so nice to meet and talk to me. I have absolutely no idea how it could have possibly gotten there or who could have possibly left it. I racked my brain. I’ve got nothing. It was so creepy.
Anyway, Lainey, always follow your gut instinct. If someone sets your creepdar off, don’t let anyone else talk you out of it. Mine never, ever steers me wrong.
I’m often asked, what’s the best self defence tip for women*; I always reply “Don’t die of politeness”.
I won’t presume to teach any of the women here how to suck eggs over how predators use the social pressure not to ‘make a scene’ when manipulating women.
And I know I’m alway banging on about the work of Gavin DeBecker, and you all know all this though bitter experience, but I’ll just stick this here so you can tick them off as you recognise them.
(*I teach women’s self defence classes, so it’s not like random people coming up)
My fiancé is a united state marine currently stationed in Japan for the next 2 and half years. It’s a nice idea but not feasible and I’m in school right now.
@Scildfreja Unnyðnes
I think so too. Still there are some things that are really bothering me that he knows about. He should not know that tulips are special to me. Its been a long day already. I spent about an hour and a half today speaking to an officer that must have been in his 60s who was not taking me seriously at all. He’s basically advice was since he hasn’t touched me, threatened me, or made an unwanted sexual advance towards me in a clear enough way there isn’t anything at all an office can do since I have no proof of my other claims. He basically told me I should find a new job if it bothers me so much which basically got me screaming at him. he knows where I live. What am I suppose to do, pack up and move incase he comes to my home.
Check, yes yup.
He’s done shit like ask me out to a movie and say it’s not like it’s a date and then when I bring up my fiancé he’s like ” what he doesn’t allow you to have friends? you need his permission to go to a movie? wow you seemed more independent then that to me” does that count?
@ Lainy
Yeah, that’s a mix of unsolicited promise “it’s not a date” (in his head it’s a date); and typecasting “so you just allow yourself to be someone else’s property?”
@Alan Robertshaw
He’s like if an incel was mixed with a pua and then had a dash of feminist terms sprinkled in. If that makes any since at all. If I didn’t teach children then when he would bring up the “oh so your being his property then” I’d probably say something along the lines of “well only when he puts my collar around my neck” because I’m pretty sure he has it in his head that I’m a sweet Christian virgin for some reason. Some comments he has made. There was a time like a month ago where he and two other guys that work there were making some dirty jokes in break lounge and when I went back there to get a water out of the fridge he was like “wait guys, you’ll make our sweet little ballet teacher blush” I think I rolled my eyes so hard I sprained something. Things like that is how it started and now it’s what it is.
@ Lainy
Oh yeah, they’re learning the terminology, and how to use that itself to manipulate women “Oh, so you’re not sex positive then?”.
One of the many reasons I would never use the word feminist to describe myself is i think, coming unsolicited from a guy, it’s one of the biggest red flags going. As are all self described positive traits. If you have to tell people you are something, then generally you’re not; and I think that’s especially true with guys and feminism. It’s a judgment women get to make, not a label men can apply to themselves.
Just my own view of course; I guess there’s nothing wrong in a space like this with guys expressing solidarity of course. Just not something I personally would find comfortable.
@Lainy
Any chance any of your friends, or your fiance’s friends, can pretend to be him and take him out for some serious “talk”? The buffer the dude, the better. As in, sorry but I don’t think politeness is gonna cut it with this guy. I feel like he’s going to continue to view you as prey unless he gets it into his head that you’re not as vulnerable as he thinks you are.
And I get that you shouldn’t have to go to such extreme lengths to discourage some creepy ass stalker, who won’t take no for an answer, but plenty of women gotten killed because they had the nerve to say “no”.
@Scanisaurus:
Sometimes posts to this site take a while to show up. It’s annoying, but it’s nothing that you’re doing.
@Scanisaurus, welcome and hello! When you make your first post, it’s moderated – David will check it to see that you aren’t some awful troll or something, then let it through. You can post normally now.
The situation in Sweden seems to be getting worse – I’m not from there but I know people who are and get to see some of the local news. I really hope that you guys can fight off the horrible racism that’s rising up around the world. I hope we all can. But I think we will. There’s more of us than we know, we’re just not as loud. Keep up the fight <3
@Lainy, that dood is bad news bears. Your instinct sounds right on about him. Try to not be alone with him.
You’re going to school, though, that’s good! Schools have resources to help people with stuff like this. Lean on them, they want to help you! They’ll often even have people who can walk you home, go out with you to places, etc; all sorts of sneaky stuff. At the least they’ll give you someone to talk to and can help you find a graceful way through the situation you’re in.
You can always talk to us here, too. Don’t worry about whether the thread is appropriate or not. We all have to pull for each other, together. You’re gonna get through this gross situation just fine.
I’m friends with one of the football players, I could ask him I suppose. I really don’t like being a bother on others.
@Scildfreja Unnyðnes
I try my best. At this point I’ve just started ranting about things that have been building up for me.
@Lainy
I completely understand where you are coming from, but you don’t want to risk it. Fuck pride, prioritize survival.
Having had a malignant narcissist and a sociopath for a father, I speak from experience when I say only violence, or the threat of violence, puts a stop to these sort of people. And the guy you keep on describing is raising all kinds of red flags. Dunno if he’s just as bad, but he seems really manipulative, and THAT’s something to watch out for.
I’m going to try my best to stay safe on Wednesday. You guys can better believe i’ll be wearing my mini sword chop sticks in my bun. I’m not above stabbing him in the eye to get away.
@Lainy
Seconding all the support from others here — especially what @Diego Duarte. When you say you don’t like being a bother, that’s basically falling into the politeness trap @Alan describes. This is the right time to be a bother.
About how your school can help — I don’t know your situation, obviously (undergrad, grad?), but one thing you can do is let your department know, not just campus security. Tell them about the stalker, give them his name and a description, make sure they know not to give out any information to him (they shouldn’t anyway, but just to be double-safe). Just in case he tries to follow you to school, make sure they’re ready and know to call security if he shows up.
All the best.
@Lainy
Maybe spend some time looking at scripts and strategies over at Captain Awkward. Your situation is unfortunately quite common, so I’m sure you’ll find lots of useful stuff in the archives there.