By David Futrelle
You’ve probably heard of the Christian movie review sites that rate whether or not the latest Hollywood offerings will be good wholesome fun for the entire (evangelical Christian) family, carefully cataloging each film’s unsavory elements, from beheadings to glimpses of nipple, and even how many times characters in movies take the Lord’s name in vain?
For example, did you know that the film Hereditary contains “20 f-words … Multiple uses of the s-word and ‘h—‘ [and] some 10 misuses of God’s and Jesus’ name?” Though somehow I doubt that swearing will be what most offends fundamentalist Christians watching the film.
Anyway, now there’s a site that seems to have decided to perform a similar service for the sort of fragile male comic book nerds who get mad when allegedly man-hating ladies star in movies about superheroes in spandex, small businesses specializing in ghost-capture, and wars in space (among the stars, as it were).
So let’s take a look at the Cosmic Book News review of Captain Marvel: The One With the Lady in It, which opened (big) this weekend.
Like an unfortunate number of fragile comic book dudes who think they speak for all fans, Cosmic Book News’ Editor in Chief Matt McGloin doesn’t much like the film — though to his credit he has actually seen it, unlike most of those who have decided largely based on their own hurt feelings that the film is the worst thing to ever hit cinemas.
“Overall, Captain Marvel comes off as a rather dull and lackluster movie,” McGloin writes.
[J]oining Gunn’s Guardians of the Galaxy and Waititi’s Thor: Ragnarok, it is another spit in the face of Marvel Cosmic fans.
Ah, yes, very helpful to cite that universally loathed cinematic disaster Guardians of the Galaxy, which somehow managed to garner a 91% critic score and a 92% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes (back before angry dudes started review-bombing every movie they saw as a crime against maleness).
The film is loaded with anti-male imagery, footage and dialogue, which is simply insulting as well as alienating (similar to Disney Star Wars).
Apparently he’s still mad about Laura Dern’s purple hair in The Last Jedi.
It felt as if there were two different drafts of the movie, an initial draft with the storyline, but a second draft was commissioned which saw the directors, Feige and the producers go over it with a fine tooth comb to add the feminist male-bashing elements, of which there were many that came off forced and completely out of place, like much of the movie.
Yes. I’m sure that’s exactly how it happened. You may not know this, but all Hollywood movie scripts these days go through a rigorous misandering process, including an extensive review by the Misandry Board, to ensure that they contain the requisite amount of male-bashing, before hitting the screen.
You may wonder what specific misandries are contained in Captain Marvel. Well, our helpful reviewer has provided a list, conveniently titled “Male-bashing elements in Captain Marvel” in large type in case you weren’t sure that’s what they were.
Here are what I would say are the Top Five male-bashing elements from his list.
Carol’s dad is mean to her. …
When Carol crashed into the Blockbuster, she blew the head off Arnold Schwarzenegger (a male) of the True Lies standee, not Jamie Lee Curtis (a female).
Carol is hit on and insulted by the motorcycle guy.
What is wrong with calling a girl a young lady? Talos calls Maria a young lady a couple of times, which she gets mad about. Huh?
And the most egregious misandering of all:
Nick Fury … is shown washing dishes.
I’m really not sure is the male gender will be able to survive such an assault.
Apparently, these egregious assaults on maleness aren’t the only things wrong with the film. McGloin also feels that Captain Marvel doesn’t smile enough, that Nick Fury lost his eye for the wrong reason, and that the music used for the film was too girl-powery or something.
No Doubt’s “Just A Girl” was awful and didn’t fit with the scene or footage. Certainly, if we are trying to push the “girl power” aspect of the movie even further, a better song could have been picked. It was so out of place and killed all the build up. A majority of the songs also felt out of place, as they too, were pushing an obvious agenda.
Having not seen the film, I have no idea how well “Just a Girl” fits the scene it’s used in, but looking at the list of songs featured in the film I have to say that I am shocked that a film about a female superhero set in the 1990s contains numerous songs sung and sometimes also written and performed by women that were popular in the 1990s.
Be careful out there, fellas! You never know when or where you might be misandered. Not even the movie theaters are safe these days!
H/T — This tweet by @renfamous alerted me to the existence of this amazing review
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