By David Futrelle
What better way to celebrate International Women’s Day than with a mansplaination of the menstrual cycle from a (presumably) young man on Tumblr who doesn’t seem to have ever seen a vagina in real life?
Although he assures us he has felt their pain.
Welllllllllllllll periods suck(trust me, I was emotionally close with a woman, in fact close enough to feel her goddamn periods. Fuck I fucking hated it, men, don’t get that attached. Be supportive, feed her ice cream and whatever else she asks for, but don’t get attached enough to feel them. It’s not worth it.
So far, so good: Don’t get yourself surgically attached to a woman so that you literally feel what she feels.
Anyway, I hate to be callous but that’s just your body telling you to hurry up and get pregnant.
Wait, what? Dude, cis girls typically get their first periods when they’re, like, 12, and can get them as young as 7 or 8. Their bodies aren’t telling them to “hurry up” and get pregnant.
Also, are you aware that pregnancy tends to be a lot more uncomfortable than having a period once a month? And that’s not even counting the nightmare that is childbirth. If pain and discomfort were a reliable guide to what your body does or does not “want,” wouldn’t the pain of pregnancy and childbirth be an indication that no one should ever have kids?
Of course birth control also makes them not as bad, depending on what kind.
Uh, some forms of birth control have an effect on, ah never mind. I doubt this guy could tell the difference between birth control and, oh, I don’t know, motor oil.
Of course you find out that there’s more kinds of birth control than there are types of oil, which is a pain.
WAIT WHAT
There are more period blood containment things(yes, tht includes tampons, pads, cups, etc.) than there are types of oil according to my dad who actually knows his shit about the oil,saying there’s like 4 types.(Yes, talking about motor oil here)
WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MOTOR OIL
WHERE AM I
WHAT IS GOING ON
So ladies, find what’s right for you. Ask a doctor. Test some different period things out. It’s for your own good
Definitely ask a doctor. Ask a friend. Ask Alexa. Ask random women on the street. Ask pretty much anyone but this dude. Or his dad, who will probably tell you to pour some Valvoline SynPower 0W-20 up in there, get everything running nice and smoothly.
In case you’re wondering, Mr. Motor Oil Menstruation Man doesn’t seem to be trolling, if his earnest responses to various, er, critics of his advice are any indication.
One anonymous commenter, for example, took offense at his notion that periods are basically just your body telling you to get pregnant.
Maybe don’t encourage minors to get pregnant cuz they have periods? Wtf is wrong with you I literally started my periods at like 11.
He responded:
Not encouraging it, I was half exhausted at the time but what I meant was it seems like your body is holding you hostage like, “hey bitch, I’mma do this again next month if you aren’t pregnant k bye” doesn’t it?
No, no it doesn’t, dude. Because in order to stave off your monthly periods you would have to remain more or less continuously pregnant or lactating from your first period until … menopause, which tends to hit around age 50. Unless you die before then from HAVING TWENTY BABIES.
Dudes, at least spend a minute or two thinking these things through before exposing your ass on the internet.
And please don’t ever offer your thoughts on the correct usage of “vagina” vs “vulva,” because we’ve already been through that. Twice.
H/T — This post has been making the rounds on Tumblr. I ran across it thanks to @babypizzagaga on Twitter, who is funny, and quite expert at finding this sort of thing, and who also has a very nice cat.
This manboy has clearly never seen a woman naked in real life before. And God willing, he never will.
@ Onager,
I dunno, if some guy came up to me and was all “Here! Have some ice cream!”, I’d…
…you know, actually, I’d run away.
David said in the OP
That was pretty much my takeaway! I always had horrible cramps; the best day of my life was the day that ibuprofen became available over the counter. Then again, the cramps gave me at least an hour’s warning that I’d be needing period blood containment things. I really don’t miss those days!
@Hetneo
In addition to ehat bookworm said, your post made me extremely uncomfortable, in no small part because of the extreme misunderstanding of what menstruation is like. Just…please don’t.
@ Kupo,
I went back and re-read Hetneo’s post after seeing your comment, because I always find your perspective to be insightful. I have to admit, I’d taken his silly suggestions as mockery of what Mansplainey Man probably believes about periods, not (I hope) what Hetneo actually thinks periods are like. I might be wrong though.
I have been known to tweet things like “dear uterus, sorry I have no fetus for you but do you have to be quite so dramatic about it?” when the Time of the Blood rolls round. But that’s between me and my overdramatic lower trunk. Telling someone else their body wants them pregnant is just creepy.
If I’ve ever come across a more dysphoria-inducing sentiment I don’t remember it. Fortunately I was drinking a strawberry soymilkshake when I read hetneo’s comment. Still am in fact, it’s big.
@Lainy:
I hope all of you have had a bettes International Women’s Day than I have.
If you’re up to elaborating, feel welcome to vent.
@Bookworm in hijab:
An off-topic etiquette question: is it acceptable for non-Muslims to use the term “hijabi” for hijab-wearing Muslims, and does it matter whether the word’s used as noun or adjective?
I….I got nothin’.
If it quacks like a misogynist, it’s probably a duck.
Also, holy fucking shit dude. I wish I experienced menstruation. I’ve heard it fucking sucks from some close friends of mine, but it’d mean I was cisgender.
Anyway.
Men seem to be under the misapprehension that just because they think a thing, it is true enough to be worth shouting out into the universe. They’re told they’re so infallible they refuse to recognize when they don’t actually know a single fucking goddamn thing about the topic, and this lack of knowledge makes their opinion on the topic precisely worthless in nearly every context.
@Cindy
Can we not assume that sexual experience (or lack thereof) is the reason why people act like assholes?
@Bookworm in hijab it kinda applies to trans women too. We have periods, just without the menstruation. All the other parts of periods affect trans women on HRT in the same way they hit cis women.
@mansplaining OP:
I have endometriosis, dude. Makes it extremely difficult to get *pregnant and birth control is by far the most effective treatment.
Go f yourself and your mansplaining excuses.
*luckily for me, this worked out since I’ve never wanted kids or been in a position where I’d feel ok taking care of them. I know not everyone is so fortunate.
Honestly, this is still the least horrible human being you’ve featured here in a good 6 months.
Not the sharpest crayon in the box, but not some form of obvious lunatic or bastard.
@Fenton
Please abide by the comments policy with regard to “crazy talk”.
Agreed with @Mish about this:
I’m lucky not to have bad PMS – usually no cramps, just a vaguely uncomfortable, heavy feeling in the abdomen. And the cool thing is that I get a burst of energy the day before, which helps me work on creative things. Hormones are weird.
On the other hand, it makes me tired for the first 2 days, which can suck if I have lots of things to do. If I’m tired, it seems like I can’t get anything done on time (ADHD doesn’t help with that).
Actually, I think what Mish said could apply to ADHD too. 🙂
@Fenton – That’s a fair take, but the comments policy says not to use words like crazy as insults (it’s in the 2nd tab at the top).
I’ve probably tried all the period blood containment things in the “feminine hygiene” aisle, other than Rely tampons (thanks to a revulsion for plastic applicators, which may have saved more lives than we know). I don’t see any remote connection to motor oil, except that petrochemicals are used to produce plastic. This guy sounds like so many others who try to fit the things that they don’t understand (which are legion) into one of the few topics that they have a (slick) handle on.
“Close enough to feel her goddamn periods”? Really?
@ Full Metal Ox (love your ‘nym, by the way),
Personally, I wouldn’t be offended; I’m always thrilled when non-Muslims know the words we use. ? I say “hijabis” or “hijabi women” to describe a group of us, though the first would be more common. If you have a chance, the author Huda Fahmy is a good (and hilarious) resource; she’s on Instagram @yesimhotinthis Another good book just for funzies, if you find sociology studies fun, is Reina Lewis’ book “Muslim Fashion”.
@ Ignore Sandra,
THIS. YES. THANK YOU!!! I feel like I have this fight on the regular with dudes who can’t see past their own ginormous sense of infallible brilliance, on pretty much any subject. And then the insistence that they are dispassionate, logical observers who are better able to explain our experiences because manlogick something something.
On the continuum of misogynistic internet babble, I find this guy pretty mild. At least he is trying to understand.
IME, there is so much variation in the degree of pain women experience during that time of the month, many women with easy periods are unable to understand or relate to the degree of suffering experienced by the severely afflicted…..and yes, I was one of the “afflicted”; for me, the degree of pain was like having a baby every month, and I was hospitalized on several occasions. Way back then, no one talked about it, or even acknowledged it could be so horrible. My mother, having had a pain free experience herself, was absolutely clueless in terms of helping me, and it took me years to get adequate treatment. Thankfully, those days are behind me; definitely one of the good things about getting old.
In 1992, Connie Willis wrote “Even the Queen”, a SF short story set in a near future in which a safe, effective pharmaceutical method of blocking menstruation had been developed and was widely used. Women only went off it if and when pregnancy was desired. The social and cultural effect of this is well depicted.
Back when I was on Facebook, one of the women in the groups of which I was a member used to refer to that part of her cycle as “Shark Week”. Which, as someone familiar with the Discovery Channel event of the same name, I found both hilarious and disturbing (hEWmorous? ?)
According to ye pfft of all knowledge, only humans, great apes, Old World monkeys and a smattering of other placental mammals menstruate — in all other species, the lining is reabsorbed during the cycle rather than shed. Makes you wonder if it was a faulty gene somewhere in our remote ancestry that started it in the first place, like our inability to make Vitamin C– and whether some kind of gene therapy could be devised to do away with it in the future. Unless ZOMG Big Pad/Tampon/Moon Cup is blocking it!!1! ?
“Hey bitch, I’mma do this again next month if you aren’t pregnant k bye” doesn’t it? This reminds me of an admittedly more genteel way of putting forth the same idea that I once read in some old book. The (male) doctor explained that when a female had a period it was “the uterus weeping for not being pregnant!” The more things change etc.
Ok, here’s my menstruation story. Everyone sitting comfortably?* Then I’ll begin.
My first period was when I was 13. If anyone had told me it was going to be brown**, the information hadn’t sunk in. I was pretty prepared; my school had hosted a speech with Q&A from the Tampax Lady (I love my school; later, we had a visit from the FPA*** Lady which was pretty informative and hilarious).
I was blessed by the menstruation fairy. No cramps and they were both pretty regular and with quite a long cycle (35 days). At least until I went on the pill at about 18, at which point, 28 days. Although the one I was on was a very effective contraceptive because it killed any interest in sex, so I came off it again. Until I was unexpectedly pregnant at age 22 (I’m not daft, I was still using birth control, it failed). I miscarried at 7 weeks, before discovering whether I was ready to have an abortion (spoiler: I definitely was). But after that, cramping on the first day of each period was so bad I couldn’t get out of bed. So I went back on the pill (they had one that wasn’t bromide-like by then) and the cramps disappeared.
When I turned 35, they said I couldn’t take the combined pill any more and tried to sell me on the coil (aka IUD). Even if I hadn’t had a friend with a recent bad experience, I wouldn’t have been tempted to have something inside me resembling barbed wire just to avoid cramps (by that point I hadn’t had PIV sex in a while and wasn’t planning to in the near future). So they put me on the mini pill and I haven’t had a period since. A fact I keep forgetting, to the point when last month I had my cervical smear, the nurse asked me did I still have my period and I said “yes. (pause) I’m on the mini pill, I have no idea”.
tl;dr. So, in response to the idea that menstruation is what makes being a woman bad, I’d say “you’ve confused it with the patriarchy; that’s the actual f#%€ing curse”. Not to say menstruation can’t be awful; it is for many. But it would be better with proper women’s healthcare and a lack of social stigma around the whole darn subject. Which is why I’ve just shared way too much information with the inter web.
* Probably not, because – for reasons I’ve never fully understood – people find talking about periods awkward. But the second two sentences of my opening paragraph were the opening to a seminal (ha!) radio programme in the UK called Listen With Mother (not that I remember it, I’m too young, I don’t know why I know it, but it feels like the right way to start a story).
** For those uninformed, your period isn’t actually blood, it’s uterine lining. Blood is a significant ingredient, but if you’re picturing something like jugular spray, that’s not it.
*** FPA = Family Planning Association in the UK. For USians, think Planned Parenthood. You get your birth control from them if you’re too embarrassed to discuss the S-word with your GP (or are under 16/for other reasons don’t want your sexual activity recorded on your medical file). Or would rather speak to a specialist. She had some very funny stories (pregnant woman: “I used them every day like you said, but the pills are so small, they kept falling out”).
Casta (hi, are you new? If so, welcome!)
I’m so sorry to hear that! I just had to con my mother into letting me stay home from school every so often with a heating pad on my abdomen. I was never a school-averse child, so I did try not to abuse the privilege.
I do think my mom was a bit clueless herself, though. She actually had the bad judgement to tell me that childbirth was like cramps, just much, much worse (as if there were no variation in birthing experiences, either, right?) She also gave me one of her aspirin with codeine tablets one time, which made me hallucinate and scared the crap out of her. Ah, well. At least I got out of having any hot flashes, so I’ll take it.
Lois McMaster Bujold’s Shards of Honour, from 1986, also has this. In addition, artificial uteri are a mature technology, meaning that you don’t actually have to go off it in order to become pregnant if you don’t want to. (most don’t, in fact; pregnancy is much more convenient when you can put it in a box and let the clinic take care of the matter for you.) IME basically all SF written this century has at least the universal birth control/menstruation blocker as a setting standard, though the working artificial uterus is less common.