NOTE: This post has been updated with more on Roosh and butts.
By David Futrelle
Roosh Valizadeh is the internationally recognized expert in how to have sex with women who tell you “no” thirty times, yet not be formally charged with rape. Apparently he has also become an expert in the etiology of homosexuality, at least of the male sort.
In a new video he warns straight men of one largely unrecognized danger to male heterosexuality: women’s butts. Because, you see, women’s butts are a slippery slope. If you like them a little too much, you’re already well on your way to liking men’s butts, and you know where that ends.
In his video, posted to Twitter yesterday, Roosh “officially declare[s]” himself to be all about boobs,
because being a butt man is just a gateway to homosexual activity. I say no to the back hole. … I’ve never done anal sex in my entire life, I swear.
Sir, this is a Wendy’s drive-thru.
A couple girls have gently inquired if I wanted to. I said “no way!” I know what comes out of that hole, that back hole, because I’ve got a back hole too. It’s gross. There’s doo-doo there.
Love to learn about sex from someone who doesn’t understand the meaning of “no” and who can’t refer to anal sex without weird and/or babyish euphemisms.
While it may come as a shock to Roosh, who has previously complained about having to wipe his ass thoroughly before going on a date, the “back hole” is not actually that gross of a place if it’s properly cleaned and your bowels are in good working order. The rectum — the portion of the human doo-doo system nearest the exit where most anal sex takes place — is a passageway,, not a warehouse, and generally you’re not going to find more than trace amounts of doo-doo in there.
I mean, dude, if you don’t want to risk any doo-doo exposure at all, that’s your business, but at least read a pamphlet on the subject before opining about it.
What, did you use a plunger, whatever, a scrubber to get all the fecal matter there? You didn’t do that, so why am I going to put my benis in there.
Yes, he called it a “benis.”
I’m not stupid. I shower every day. I’m clean. Why would I put my benis in a butt.
Yes, he called it a “benis” again.
That’s crazy. Well if I was watching anal sex porn all day, maybe I would do it. But I don’t.
Here’s the video itself, just in case you thought I was making all this up.
As you may have noticed, in this video Roosh doesn’t actually explain why any of this will turn straight men gay. But happily for us the Twitterer known as Wild Geerters has posted a video — another excerpt from the same nearly-three-hour video that the video above came from — in which Roosh spells out this logic in more detail.
In case you don’t want to spend another two minutes of your life listening to Roosh, here’s what he says:
Guess what? Not only women have butts. but men too. It’s interchangeable. … If I can sexualize the butt to you, and then feed you free porn of anal sex, do you know what I have done? I have acclimatized you, warmed you up, to homosexual sex., cause a man can have a big butt too.
There’s a lot going on there, huh? But I guess I’ll just note the rather obvious point that gay guys also have oral sex, so is straight blowjob porn a gateway drug to dude-on-dude sex too?
Actually, come to think of it, gay guys do all sorts of sexual things together that straight people also do, from kissing to handjobs to, well, all sorts of far more exotic things, and there’s porn showing all of this. Hell, there are porn videos of guys sitting alone jerking themselves off. Are we back to the idea that when a straight guy masturbates he’s actually being gay because he’s jerking off a man’s penis, albeit his own?
None of this has apparently ever occurred to Roosh. He continues:
A hole’s a hole, right? You’ve got that female booty hole. A man has it too.
Well, I can’t argue with that. Last I checked, I do indeed have a butthole, and I believe this is common amongst men.
We’re going to put that butt in your face. We’re gonna create sexual desire of the butt — so that we can now interchange it, and you won’t even notice. … Your lust for the butt will be satisfied, whether it’s from a woman or a man.
And apparently this is bad?
Why do you think anal sex in porn is so popular?
I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s because people like butts?
But Roosh thinks there’s a far darker reason.
Do you think it’s an accident? Do you think it’s taboo? No! There’s an agenda behind it.
Yep. Behind the behind, there’s an agenda. A butt agenda. One that I can only assume that Roosh, given his long history of antisemitism, blames on The Jews.
And apparently patient zero of this butt agenda is the video for the song “Twerk,” by City Girls with Cardi B.
That’s why you have a three-minute video of only butts. Did you eve notice, was there a breast in it? Girls were wearing bikini tops, but the camera didn’t focus on that. You don’t remember one breast from that clip. But you remember all the jiggling butts, ass to ass.
Having just watched this video literally two minutes ago for the first time, yes, I do remember the jiggling butts in it. And while I’ve seen numerous asses in this world that could easily belong to someone of any gender, I’ve never seen a man’s ass that looks even remotely like the huge, round, jiggly asses in this video. As a straight-man-to-gay-man conversion tool, it looks like a complete and utter failure. If it can be proved that this video has turned even one single man gay, I will publicly eat my cats.
Turns out Roosh is nearly as bad a conspiracy theorist as he is a sex expert.
H/T — Natalie Wynn (@ContraPoints) on Twitter
NOTE: This post was significantly revised to add that second video.
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Oh my. So many thoughts to unpack here…
First off: BENIS. As in Benis and Butthead? (I’m surprised no one has made THAT joke yet.)
And speaking of buttheads: for a supposedly 210% hetero-sex-you-all guy who claims to hate all that icky-poo bum-boinky stuff (onaccounta it gives you Teh Ghey), Roosh sure is obsessed with derrières. Stands to reason, since he has his head up his own all the time. (And he’s very loath to wash it, too. Head and bunghole both. We know this from prior posts here about Roosh and his deplorable musings on personal hygiene.)
Also, the way he talks about what lurks inside of butts, you’d think he was nine years old and squeamish about those icky, wicky girls. Ditto “benis”, which has got to be the silliest euphemism I’ve heard in a while. It honestly sounds like something a prissy little kid who can’t bear to speak of pee would say, even when his bladder’s full to bursting and he’s doing the little crotch-clutching shuffle-dance. (Actually, I’m not a bit surprised that Roosh hates and professes revulsion for what he wants to fuck; it’s a common thread with guys like him. Socially and emotionally, they’re all stuck in grade school, and refuse to develop further, even though they bloody well could.)
And while everybody has a butt (because it would be damn hard to sit down if we didn’t), I wouldn’t say that each butt is interchangeable with every other butt, or that looking at one will make you want to have sex with one, or even that sex with one will invariably lead to sex with the other. I’ll often look at a guy and think he has a cute butt, or a woman and think that hers is an enviable butt. Doesn’t mean anything to me sexually, though. I’m just thinking about the amazing variability of the human form in general.
No doubt Roosh is offended by this clear evidence that women are just as human as men. No wonder he thinks that the prominence of the butt in popular culture will turn you gay. After all, gay men treat women as people, and LIKE them as people.
And yet, even the most butt-sexing gay guy ever will NOT do it with a woman. Because, even though a butt’s a butt (supposedly), not all butts are created alike, and he’s not interested in those attached to women. Even if they’re the loveliest female butts EVER. Being gay doesn’t mean having butt sex, it means being sexually attracted to your own sex. If you don’t feel any twinges of that, you don’t have to worry that you’re turning gay. I certainly don’t, even though I often notice if a woman is objectively attractive, for instance.
But then again, I’m also not insecure in my sexual identity. Roosh, on the other hand, reeks of it. (And also of unwashed butt, probably because he thinks touching himself back there, even if only to wash, is gay.)
And before I go all up my butt with the ridiculosity that is Roosh, here’s a handy little primer on what’s gay and what’s not. Just, you know, on the off chance that Roosh stumbles by here, and might hurt himself in his confusion…
It does absolutely nothing for me, so I never suggest it, although I’ve had two partners request it – one out of curiosity to see if she liked it (she didn’t), and the other already knew that she really liked it, but I got the pretty strong impression that she was turned on at least as much (if not more) by the whole taboo nature of the act as by the actual physical sensation.
@Moon_custafer: I remember a couple of years ago there was a site called “Beautiful Cervix” or something like that. It was made by a nurse who wanted it as a kind of educational resource for women to reduce some of the mystery and mythology surrounding their bodies. Basically, she got a vaginascopy and a photograph taken of her cervix for every day for a month so a visitor could see how the cervix changes in shape, amount of mucus produced, etc. in response to the hormone levels at different points in the menstrual cycle.
Now, I’ve had a stomach ulcer and needed to have gastroscopies in the past so I’ve seen similar imagery of my own body. It didn’t really look all that different; that is, generically insides-y, pink with a thin layer of mucus. It might have been a bit alarming on the days of her cycle when she’s actually bleeding but not disgusting. But the way some people I know (even women) reacted a) to the existence of the site and b) that I’d browsed it was kind of disappointing: you’d swear it was some kind of porn site.
(I’d recommend browsing it to the “cervix-bangers” on the other thread but I imagine what their reaction would be… ?)
I wonder if this guy watches a football or baseball game and thinks “this is trying to make me gay, look at all the men’s butt in tight pants.”
I can only think about this, sorry :/
@Cat Mara
Damn straight. I actually think it’s important for more performers to break the fantasy every so often and remind their audience that they are regular people who do regular people things.
Logistically, I know how it can be done, but I can’t imagine even the most dedicated dabbler of kink finding that at all pleasurable.
Come to think of it, Oglaf also had the one about the guy getting spanked so that his butt would be perfectly round at which point it detached and became a magical genie! Oglaf is a goddamn TREASURE TROVE of disembodied asses!
@Katamount:
I don’t know if it falls into the category of “regular people [doing] regular people things” but there’s a performance art project Stoya participated in called Hysterical Literature. The setup is of a woman seated at a table reading from a book, but what isn’t immediately apparent is that they’re being stimulated off-screen until they orgasm. It sounds totally skeevy but it isn’t really: the reaction of most of the participants, Stoya included, on climaxing, is to laugh and it’s so joyful and pure and human to hear it, it’s nearly anti-porn. When do you ever hear laughter in porn? Porn is Serious Business™!
@Katamount
Sorry for the following ranty teal dear falling down a slippery slope, but I believe that as long as big money stays in porn I don’t think that there will be a limit in sight, or at least I don’t think that I want to know what the limit would be.
Erotic art, whether it’s porn or fanfiction, relies on giving people novelty to spice things up. Porn stars (male AND female) already get hurt (not like “ouch” hurt, but like “damaged organ” hurt) by doing unsafe anal scenes. And if they want to make money, or if they’re in desperate need for money, they still have to continue to go back for more and more and more. Because that’s what their customers want-novelty, and the illusion that what’s happening on the screen is fun and attainable.
At least when performers are doing things for free you can have reasonable faith that they are doing them because they want to. Money is power, and I always find myself questioning whether there’s truly 100% consent whenever it’s involved. There’s not much to go on as to what’s going on inside of a performers mind during a heavily edited (and acted) scene.
@Cat Mara
I think some men (and women) link anal sex to prostate stimulation, and assume that just because a woman lacks a prostate, that she won’t enjoy anal. (Which yeah, gets off that guy who likes to think about how he can take pleasure without having to give it back.)
It’s not always true, either. At least not physically. A lot of the nerves that can be stimulated during anal sex are coming off of the internal part of the clitoris, and when it’s done right it can feel really, really good. It’s just a matter of the girl being into it, and spending the time learning what works out for her, and in which mood that it works, and so on. Because otherwise it can hurt, or just feel boring.
Which I suspect is sometimes a stumbling block for hetero anal sex as well. Because not all men are willing to admit to themselves that they don’t already know everything on how to please women, and that type of guy tends to have a partner that knows he won’t try to learn.
For some speakers of other languages, b and p sound almost alike. In other languages, r and l (ell) are similar-sounding, as are b and v. To me this sounds like a second-language error, not a babyish name. Or who knows. It’s Roosh, so all bets are off, or maybe all pets are off.
The other possibility is that Roosh is trying to avoid spelling out “penis” so it won’t trigger filters – but I’m not sure anyone’s using the many more. I seem to remember some US newspaper’s site having a badly coded filter that automatically changed Marvin Gaye to Marvin Hoosexuale.
Or yeah, second language mistake, especially if his first language doesn’t use the Roman alphabet. Isn’t he Iranian?
But stupidity and prissiness are both perfectly possible. I mean, it’s Roosh.
@Cat Mara
That’s certainly the experience I’ve had in my… encounters. There’s an elation that expresses itself with a hearty laugh.
Not even in porn parodies does it seem that anybody’s having fun, I’ve noticed.
@Red R. Lion:
Re: prostate
The Skene’s gland is homologous to the male prostate, shares the same structure and possibly performs similar functions. It’s very likely to be the source of one form of female ejaculation fluid (there are two known kinds).
Add onto this the fact that less than a decade ago the idea of the clitoris being a large, wishbone-shaped, mostly internal organ was not widely accepted (the wikipedia article used to describe it as pure speculation despite objective evidence for it’s existence going back hundreds of years).
With what little is known about female sexuality I think it’s quite likely it’s not just the clitoris doing all the pleasuring, and I’m inclined to believe other women if they say they can have a “prostate”/skene’s gland or anal orgasm, of whom I have heard plenty.
Of course, the “testimonials” I’ve heard of women orgasming through anal alone is from fetish communities, so there’s a lot more consent, a lot more equality on give and take, a lot less guilt about female sexuality and a lot more men who actually communicate with their partners. It’s completely different from the typical vanilla hetero dude who wants/likes to give anal.
@Katie:
Well, to my knowledge, he’s a longtime resident of the US and quite conversant in English, so it’s probably not that.
But my cat just took off out of the room, just the same. Guess she doesn’t want to be the bussy that got grabbed.
Trans men exist and this kind of “big booty = not a man” probably doesn’t feel great for them to read, just fyi.
@Bina, Katie
The ?️enis thing is a meme of sorts amongst the kids these days, but don’t ask this now-officially-old person to explain it. ?
I looked up the Benis meme, and I have to say, it’s pretty inexplicable, all right. I thought Roosh was just being infantile, and I still think he is, although not quite in the way it appeared initially.
There IS an Iranian village called Benis, though, in Azerbaijan Province. Which, given Roosh’s ethnicity, makes this all just one layer funnier.
Re: The laughing thing, that’s actually something that Stoya is quite well-known for. A few other performers as well.
Why can’t THAT be a tag that scenes and series are filmed around?
Roosh’s first, and I suspect only, language is English. He was born in Washington, D.C., and says he doesn’t speak the languages of his parents.
@katamount:
No reason to watch porn if you don’t want to, but there’s a relatively feminist porn production company in Australia that uses women directors and (mostly?) women crew to film scenes. I’ve watched several clips by them and, yes, I remember the people seeming to have genuine fun in several of them.
I might get it wrong, but I think it’s called “ChicksOutWest” or something similar.
Of course, I only watched one het clip. I’m not even sure if they regularly produce het porn (though for all I know that might be the majority of their work). So what you say about porn being no fun for the actors could easily be universally (or almost universally) true of het porn without being true of feminist-produced queer porn.
Although, to be fair, how many of us really have fun on the job?
As for orgasming from anal sex alone, I’ll just note that I’ve orgasmed from all sorts of things that aren’t P-in-V or otherwise direct-genital-contact sex.
I’ve orgasmed after a long sexy massage that culminated in my lover kissing & nibbling my back and shoulders. I’ve orgasmed while my lover wetly kissed my collar bones while pinching and palming my nipples. I’m sure tons of folks have orgasmed from anal penetration “alone”.
(Note: I put alone in quotes because it’s never just that, is it? It’s the excitement of a new lover or the deep connection with an old lover or the titillation of the taboo or just the rush of trying something new. It’s never **just** the physical stimulation.)
Checked out the City Girls video. The full-body tiger paint (especially the tiger face on Cardi’s back and butt) and the women twerking while doing handstands impressed me, and there were some cute shoes (like the white sneaker-boots with the pink ankle accents).
Overall, not my thing (I’m a straight woman who’s not into most hip-hop), but I really liked the above things and the video gets bonus points for freaking Roosh out.
Apparently the ‘benis’ thing is the latest asinine 4chan shibboleth
@Jane Doe @Crip Dyke
All good points, although I believe the Skene’s glands are further away from the anus compared to the prostate. BUT, since you can give the entire female reproductive tract a pretty good rubdown from inside of the anus, it’s all gravy. ?
I suppose, if all butts are interchangeable, and if porn conditions you to love people for their butts and for their butts alone, then that doesn’t make you homosexual – it makes you pansexual (or bunsexual). Gender and indeed any non-butt aspect of your lovers simply ceases to be relevant.
To quote Anna Karenina: “All actual assholes are assholish in the same way. All people are assholish in their own way.”
@Crip Dyke
Oh, I’m a pretty regular porn consumer, so I will most certainly look it up! Thanks for the recommendation!