NOTE: This post has been updated with more on Roosh and butts.
By David Futrelle
Roosh Valizadeh is the internationally recognized expert in how to have sex with women who tell you “no” thirty times, yet not be formally charged with rape. Apparently he has also become an expert in the etiology of homosexuality, at least of the male sort.
In a new video he warns straight men of one largely unrecognized danger to male heterosexuality: women’s butts. Because, you see, women’s butts are a slippery slope. If you like them a little too much, you’re already well on your way to liking men’s butts, and you know where that ends.
In his video, posted to Twitter yesterday, Roosh “officially declare[s]” himself to be all about boobs,
because being a butt man is just a gateway to homosexual activity. I say no to the back hole. … I’ve never done anal sex in my entire life, I swear.
Sir, this is a Wendy’s drive-thru.
A couple girls have gently inquired if I wanted to. I said “no way!” I know what comes out of that hole, that back hole, because I’ve got a back hole too. It’s gross. There’s doo-doo there.
Love to learn about sex from someone who doesn’t understand the meaning of “no” and who can’t refer to anal sex without weird and/or babyish euphemisms.
While it may come as a shock to Roosh, who has previously complained about having to wipe his ass thoroughly before going on a date, the “back hole” is not actually that gross of a place if it’s properly cleaned and your bowels are in good working order. The rectum — the portion of the human doo-doo system nearest the exit where most anal sex takes place — is a passageway,, not a warehouse, and generally you’re not going to find more than trace amounts of doo-doo in there.
I mean, dude, if you don’t want to risk any doo-doo exposure at all, that’s your business, but at least read a pamphlet on the subject before opining about it.
What, did you use a plunger, whatever, a scrubber to get all the fecal matter there? You didn’t do that, so why am I going to put my benis in there.
Yes, he called it a “benis.”
I’m not stupid. I shower every day. I’m clean. Why would I put my benis in a butt.
Yes, he called it a “benis” again.
That’s crazy. Well if I was watching anal sex porn all day, maybe I would do it. But I don’t.
Here’s the video itself, just in case you thought I was making all this up.
As you may have noticed, in this video Roosh doesn’t actually explain why any of this will turn straight men gay. But happily for us the Twitterer known as Wild Geerters has posted a video — another excerpt from the same nearly-three-hour video that the video above came from — in which Roosh spells out this logic in more detail.
In case you don’t want to spend another two minutes of your life listening to Roosh, here’s what he says:
Guess what? Not only women have butts. but men too. It’s interchangeable. … If I can sexualize the butt to you, and then feed you free porn of anal sex, do you know what I have done? I have acclimatized you, warmed you up, to homosexual sex., cause a man can have a big butt too.
There’s a lot going on there, huh? But I guess I’ll just note the rather obvious point that gay guys also have oral sex, so is straight blowjob porn a gateway drug to dude-on-dude sex too?
Actually, come to think of it, gay guys do all sorts of sexual things together that straight people also do, from kissing to handjobs to, well, all sorts of far more exotic things, and there’s porn showing all of this. Hell, there are porn videos of guys sitting alone jerking themselves off. Are we back to the idea that when a straight guy masturbates he’s actually being gay because he’s jerking off a man’s penis, albeit his own?
None of this has apparently ever occurred to Roosh. He continues:
A hole’s a hole, right? You’ve got that female booty hole. A man has it too.
Well, I can’t argue with that. Last I checked, I do indeed have a butthole, and I believe this is common amongst men.
We’re going to put that butt in your face. We’re gonna create sexual desire of the butt — so that we can now interchange it, and you won’t even notice. … Your lust for the butt will be satisfied, whether it’s from a woman or a man.
And apparently this is bad?
Why do you think anal sex in porn is so popular?
I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s because people like butts?
But Roosh thinks there’s a far darker reason.
Do you think it’s an accident? Do you think it’s taboo? No! There’s an agenda behind it.
Yep. Behind the behind, there’s an agenda. A butt agenda. One that I can only assume that Roosh, given his long history of antisemitism, blames on The Jews.
And apparently patient zero of this butt agenda is the video for the song “Twerk,” by City Girls with Cardi B.
That’s why you have a three-minute video of only butts. Did you eve notice, was there a breast in it? Girls were wearing bikini tops, but the camera didn’t focus on that. You don’t remember one breast from that clip. But you remember all the jiggling butts, ass to ass.
Having just watched this video literally two minutes ago for the first time, yes, I do remember the jiggling butts in it. And while I’ve seen numerous asses in this world that could easily belong to someone of any gender, I’ve never seen a man’s ass that looks even remotely like the huge, round, jiggly asses in this video. As a straight-man-to-gay-man conversion tool, it looks like a complete and utter failure. If it can be proved that this video has turned even one single man gay, I will publicly eat my cats.
Turns out Roosh is nearly as bad a conspiracy theorist as he is a sex expert.
H/T — Natalie Wynn (@ContraPoints) on Twitter
NOTE: This post was significantly revised to add that second video.
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@tim gueguen
OMG OMG FINALLY AN EXCUSE
I read Andy Griffith’s Bum series with my son when he was in primary school (and hence of an age when this kind of thing is inherently hilarious). As you can see below, it was repackaged as “butt” for North American readers. The plotline is that people’s bums have become sentient and detached themselves from their ‘owners’, some of them forming a bum resistance.
PS the responses to Roosh on Twitter have been hugely enjoyable.
@Tovius wrote
@Chris Oakley responded
Chris Oakley, why do you keep doing this? Not cool.
“?enis” will never not be funny.
Why is there a shrouded banana on the microwave?
The death imagery plus the phallic imagery would suggest that it is symbolic of the greatest of all anti-male oppressions, the sad boner. That’s why the shroud is blue. Blue = sad.
WWTH – Brilliant!
I thought maybe it was some sort of fruit burka, to protect Roosh from impure thoughts.
The booty is part of the homosexual agenda.
Guys, there’s an even darker agenda at play than we realize, Did you know that, in addition to men also having butts, many animals ALSO have butts? And since all butts are totally interchangable and indistinguishable from each other, being attracted to lady butts means that you’re also attracted to animal butts! Beastiality is the endgame, people! We need to warn the masses before it’s too late!
Wait, what do you mean that female animals also tend to have vaginas? Um, I mean, obviously wholesome hetero human vagina-loving would never ever indicate an attraction to animal vaginas, don’t be stupid. Men can definitely distinguish between holes in this case. But not for butts!
/sarcasm
@Von Ragnar
Hilariously, that comic also suggested that the worst thing about analingus was the possibility of saliva entering the rectum. No mention of anything getting in the mouth, but spit in your butt was the gross part.
So many other questions. One, does anyone believe Roosh showers? Two, does anyone believe multiple women have asked Roosh for anal? Three, what about lesbians who are into women’s butts? Does that make them straight?
I just want to salute Crip Dyke for the very useful word “brophylactic”.
If he keeps saying benis, does this make him a benis stander ? Was he not a candidate in the presidential election ?
I think the disembodied butt comment requires a link to Oglaf’s disembodied butt comic
https://www.oglaf.com/fully-fleshed/
@Bakunin – glad you enjoyed it (also, check out his other stuff – Seanbaby is an awesome guy in general, with penchant for smashing all kind of dickheads – https://twitter.com/Seanbabydotcom/status/1084565789359759362)
Does Roosh shower? I dunno, last time I checked he lived in Siberia, so he probably bathe himself in the stream, while fighting bears bare-handed and catching fish to feed him family. Or something manly like this.
Does multiple women asked him for anal? Well… if you consider telling him where to put his “Game” as a foreplay of sorts, then maybe.
And lesbians who are into women’s butts? I dunno. I mean: in mathematics, two minuses make a plus, but I can’t tell whether applied pussyeconomics follow this logic. Maybe they are like those evil guys from Battlefield: Earth, who have different mathematics in their world.
@David
Slight TMI time…
Yes the rectum is generally a doo-doo free passageway…. if you clean it out well beforehand. Which in my experience not all people do. ? Which isn’t a problem for me, because unlike Roosh, I’m capable/smart enough to use gloves.
Leave it to Roosh to be terrified of getting doo-doo on his benis, but totally unafraid of smearing it with STDs. ?
@Moggie:
Thank you. I think I’m also going to be using that word a lot in the future (outside of this thread).
More TMI because I missed the edit.
*(By “clean it out well” I’m referring to, at the very least, using the toilet beforehand. Which my partners and I almost never think of in time. ?)
@Amtep: Also, this Oglaf comic seems apropos too ?
@ThatGuyWithA3DS:
There’s an episode of Sex and the City where the four main characters are chatting about evolving sexual mores and about how (IIRC) a blow job was the ne plus ultra of naughtiness in 80s media when Carrie muses what the modern equivalent is and Samantha just blurts out, “anal sex” without even thinking about it. While the programme could be a bit hit-and-miss, I think it was fairly on the nose with that observation.
It’s pretty weird when there are homophobic assholes who froth at the mouth about gays being into butt stuff when there are whole scads of straight porn that is nothing but butt stuff now, that is practically advertised “no vaginas penetrated or your money back” ?. Anal scenes are so routine in straight porn now, in fact, I’ve seen interviews with woman performers who’ve said not wanting to do them is pretty much seen as a career-limiting move in the modern porn industry.
I’m sure there are guys who get off on it because it’s seen as somehow being some “last taboo” but I suspect there’s many who are into it more because they know a lot of women aren’t into it and they get off on the whole domination thing. But, then, that the modern porn industry is a stew of misogyny is hardly news to anyone.
I almost feel guilty making fun of these idiots….
…
almost….
I am guessing that Roosh cannot and will not see women as people. We are just body parts, and as such only those that differentiate us from men count.
Hates women, hates gay men, seems to hate most men.
He truly is a disgusting POS.
Absolutely agree with you. I am hardly one to know, as I have had v little to do with hetero women, but from what I can gather men are far more keen to do it than women are.
Speaking as a guy who’s had inflammatory bowel disease since the age of 7, I learned pretty quickly to take the butt with a grain of salt. I actually just had my yearly scope two weeks ago to monitor for colon cancer and I am still polyp-free!
*sigh* And every time I do it, I remember how many folks in the States that need it can’t even afford it. Universal health care is a human right. Tommy Douglas knew it and I know it.
Anyhoo, I think Cat Mara pretty much summed up the consensus on anal porn:
I’ve seen those interviews as well. In fact, I can think of at least one who straight-up refused and she didn’t do more than two or three scenes before leaving entirely.
Again, Aurora Snow’s column on Daily Beast is an enlightening insider’s perspective on the industry. Apparently there’s a trend towards even more “extreme” acts like “triple anal” (ouch!) which I honestly gotta wonder if there’s a limit in sight.
I hope colonoscopy images don’t become a new kink. O.o
@Katamount:
Triple– ? how does that even work?! It’s not an umbrella holder!
Also, if you had three guys, you know, in there at the same time, wouldn’t their dicks be touching? Isn’t that kinda gay? ?
That reminds me of a tweet from the porn performer Stoya I saw once where she had posted a photo of one of those moon cups that she’d bought in an attempt to be more environmentally aware (not a used one or anything– it was still in its packaging) and guys in her replies were clutching pearls and acting grossed-out about it. She lost it, she was like, “you guys are out there beating off to HD footage of the inside of my rectum and you’re squicked by the fact that I menstruate?! GTFO!” ? DRAG THEM STOYA ?
@ Katamount:
Saw a Twitter post a couple of days ago from a medical student who, while studying, got told off by a passerby for “looking at porn in a family restaurant.”
She was looking at pictures of the trachea.
(and as at least one person pointed out, even if the photos had been of a vaginal opening, the way they were laid out, with, y’know, diagrams and stuff, should have made it pretty obvious that what the student was looking at was a textbook and not intended to be titillating.)