NOTE: This post has been updated with more on Roosh and butts.
By David Futrelle
Roosh Valizadeh is the internationally recognized expert in how to have sex with women who tell you “no” thirty times, yet not be formally charged with rape. Apparently he has also become an expert in the etiology of homosexuality, at least of the male sort.
In a new video he warns straight men of one largely unrecognized danger to male heterosexuality: women’s butts. Because, you see, women’s butts are a slippery slope. If you like them a little too much, you’re already well on your way to liking men’s butts, and you know where that ends.
In his video, posted to Twitter yesterday, Roosh “officially declare[s]” himself to be all about boobs,
because being a butt man is just a gateway to homosexual activity. I say no to the back hole. … I’ve never done anal sex in my entire life, I swear.
Sir, this is a Wendy’s drive-thru.
A couple girls have gently inquired if I wanted to. I said “no way!” I know what comes out of that hole, that back hole, because I’ve got a back hole too. It’s gross. There’s doo-doo there.
Love to learn about sex from someone who doesn’t understand the meaning of “no” and who can’t refer to anal sex without weird and/or babyish euphemisms.
While it may come as a shock to Roosh, who has previously complained about having to wipe his ass thoroughly before going on a date, the “back hole” is not actually that gross of a place if it’s properly cleaned and your bowels are in good working order. The rectum — the portion of the human doo-doo system nearest the exit where most anal sex takes place — is a passageway,, not a warehouse, and generally you’re not going to find more than trace amounts of doo-doo in there.
I mean, dude, if you don’t want to risk any doo-doo exposure at all, that’s your business, but at least read a pamphlet on the subject before opining about it.
What, did you use a plunger, whatever, a scrubber to get all the fecal matter there? You didn’t do that, so why am I going to put my benis in there.
Yes, he called it a “benis.”
I’m not stupid. I shower every day. I’m clean. Why would I put my benis in a butt.
Yes, he called it a “benis” again.
That’s crazy. Well if I was watching anal sex porn all day, maybe I would do it. But I don’t.
Here’s the video itself, just in case you thought I was making all this up.
As you may have noticed, in this video Roosh doesn’t actually explain why any of this will turn straight men gay. But happily for us the Twitterer known as Wild Geerters has posted a video — another excerpt from the same nearly-three-hour video that the video above came from — in which Roosh spells out this logic in more detail.
In case you don’t want to spend another two minutes of your life listening to Roosh, here’s what he says:
Guess what? Not only women have butts. but men too. It’s interchangeable. … If I can sexualize the butt to you, and then feed you free porn of anal sex, do you know what I have done? I have acclimatized you, warmed you up, to homosexual sex., cause a man can have a big butt too.
There’s a lot going on there, huh? But I guess I’ll just note the rather obvious point that gay guys also have oral sex, so is straight blowjob porn a gateway drug to dude-on-dude sex too?
Actually, come to think of it, gay guys do all sorts of sexual things together that straight people also do, from kissing to handjobs to, well, all sorts of far more exotic things, and there’s porn showing all of this. Hell, there are porn videos of guys sitting alone jerking themselves off. Are we back to the idea that when a straight guy masturbates he’s actually being gay because he’s jerking off a man’s penis, albeit his own?
None of this has apparently ever occurred to Roosh. He continues:
A hole’s a hole, right? You’ve got that female booty hole. A man has it too.
Well, I can’t argue with that. Last I checked, I do indeed have a butthole, and I believe this is common amongst men.
We’re going to put that butt in your face. We’re gonna create sexual desire of the butt — so that we can now interchange it, and you won’t even notice. … Your lust for the butt will be satisfied, whether it’s from a woman or a man.
And apparently this is bad?
Why do you think anal sex in porn is so popular?
I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s because people like butts?
But Roosh thinks there’s a far darker reason.
Do you think it’s an accident? Do you think it’s taboo? No! There’s an agenda behind it.
Yep. Behind the behind, there’s an agenda. A butt agenda. One that I can only assume that Roosh, given his long history of antisemitism, blames on The Jews.
And apparently patient zero of this butt agenda is the video for the song “Twerk,” by City Girls with Cardi B.
That’s why you have a three-minute video of only butts. Did you eve notice, was there a breast in it? Girls were wearing bikini tops, but the camera didn’t focus on that. You don’t remember one breast from that clip. But you remember all the jiggling butts, ass to ass.
Having just watched this video literally two minutes ago for the first time, yes, I do remember the jiggling butts in it. And while I’ve seen numerous asses in this world that could easily belong to someone of any gender, I’ve never seen a man’s ass that looks even remotely like the huge, round, jiggly asses in this video. As a straight-man-to-gay-man conversion tool, it looks like a complete and utter failure. If it can be proved that this video has turned even one single man gay, I will publicly eat my cats.
Turns out Roosh is nearly as bad a conspiracy theorist as he is a sex expert.
H/T — Natalie Wynn (@ContraPoints) on Twitter
NOTE: This post was significantly revised to add that second video.
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If “traditional” male heterosexuality is so robust and god/nature ordained, why are there so many easy ways to be “tricked” into homosexuality?
This is looking pretty attractive now! Thanks Roosh!!
Considering that nobody talks about him anymore, I think the man is down to trolling for attention. Roosh got popular and known in the wake of the anti-feminist hysteria of the Gamergate. That wave, which was supposed to blow over feminism, has blown over and only exists within alt-right circles where they suffer from ridicule as feminism message has gotten even more mainstream and popular thanks to the #metoo movement an others. I guess many of the prohiminent figures of the anti-feminist wave of the early and mid 2010’s got addicted to all the attention that was lavished upon them. Now, most of them seem to be scrambling for some relevence or sinking in the abyss of the neo-reactionnary movements.
So I can help the gay agenda just by wearing bootie jeans more often? That’s pretty… badass.
*badump-tschh*
Wow. Roosh sure is full of shit.
So, um, isn’t it common knowledge at this point that the current generation of adults are more into butts/butt related stuff than previous generations? I mean, I don’t have any statistics on hand, but my generation is the one that thinks analingus is awesome.
As always, Roosh trying to regain relevance is fucking comedic gold.
Well, at least he trimmed that ZZ Top beard.
Why does he say ?enis? Is he delusional?
This guy seems to have issues with human bodies in general. O.o
Go home, Roosh, you’re drunk.
If the elbows ever become super-popular as an erogenous zone, will Roosh freak out even more spectacularly?
@Roosh
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
Seriously: is there anything that doesn’t lead to homosexuality according to these guys? 😀
Prediction of Roshes next twitter post “Kissing is a gateway to gay because dudes have lips too”
@Fabe
That wouldn’t actually be first time someone raised this argument, actually. http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-4-most-homophobic-comics-ever-created/ here, check the last entry. Apparently, the very idea that someone can give bj *and* kiss someone is what makes gay absolutely appalling. To quote – otherwise awesome writer – Seanbaby in closing statement:
“What kind of ladies does this fucking maniac date that he thinks only gay men kiss and give blowjobs? Oh no, I just figured it out: ladies with duct tape over their mouths.”
I guess this is what happens when your definition of male heterosexuality is not ‘into women’ but ‘very very not gay’.
Benis?
Does he think that saying the word ‘penis’ makes you gay?
A butt agenda for your benis?
Is Roosh seriously arguing that there’s a Benis Buttenda?
Is part of the conspiracy the fact that, in some dialects, this sounds curiously close to Benis Butt-Enter?
And then, as a consequence of the Benis Buttenda shaking my ass in public drives away that Roosh V fans?
Damn. I like this Brophylactic Benis Buttenda.
Are there any more Brophylactics I should be aware of besides shaking my ass? Inquiring minds want to know!
I wonder how he’s coming to terms with having a butt of his very own? Are any more of his body parts gay?
Would you be surprised if he did?
@ Katy preen
Maybe that’s why he refuses to wipe; in case touching a butt gives him the gays?
Rooshles:
“Do you think it’s taboo?”
YES. PLAINLY.
THAT IS THE REASON IT IS POPULAR.
BECAUSE IT’S NOT SOMETHING PEOPLE WILL REGULARLY ENCOUNTER IN DAY TO DAY LIFE.
BECAUSE BENIS/BUTT (penis/putt? Interesting minigolf course. Okay, time to turn off the all-caps, even though I’d really like to keep it on.) interaction is more work and less automatically satisfying than many other combinations of erotic bits, and also Not Strictly For Procreation, making it rarer and somewhat Forbidden, which makes people go “oooh, butts”. Granted, that kind of swings back around to “since butt sexin’ is the taboo let’s put butt sexin’ in all the sexin'” and now tiny porn-informed idiots think everyone owes them butts, but that doesn’t change the origin point.
…Also, speaking as a (mostly) heterosexual man, the thing about a woman’s butt is, it’s not just a butt? There’s a woman who the butt is a part of to whom I am attracted? I mean, I would not have sex with a disembodied floating butt, even if it could and did enthusiastically consent.
@Katy Preen, it’s possible Roosh, even as I write this, is trying to arrange the world’s first buttectemy. What he’ll replace his rear with, I have no idea Perhaps a flat panel with a hinged section for taking care of bathroom business with, and a padlock to prevent any unauthorised entry.
Parodying these clowns is a waste of time.
@Tovius: More like full of alcohol. Or drugs.