NOTE: This post has been updated with more on Roosh and butts.
By David Futrelle
Roosh Valizadeh is the internationally recognized expert in how to have sex with women who tell you “no” thirty times, yet not be formally charged with rape. Apparently he has also become an expert in the etiology of homosexuality, at least of the male sort.
In a new video he warns straight men of one largely unrecognized danger to male heterosexuality: women’s butts. Because, you see, women’s butts are a slippery slope. If you like them a little too much, you’re already well on your way to liking men’s butts, and you know where that ends.
In his video, posted to Twitter yesterday, Roosh “officially declare[s]” himself to be all about boobs,
because being a butt man is just a gateway to homosexual activity. I say no to the back hole. … I’ve never done anal sex in my entire life, I swear.
Sir, this is a Wendy’s drive-thru.
A couple girls have gently inquired if I wanted to. I said “no way!” I know what comes out of that hole, that back hole, because I’ve got a back hole too. It’s gross. There’s doo-doo there.
Love to learn about sex from someone who doesn’t understand the meaning of “no” and who can’t refer to anal sex without weird and/or babyish euphemisms.
While it may come as a shock to Roosh, who has previously complained about having to wipe his ass thoroughly before going on a date, the “back hole” is not actually that gross of a place if it’s properly cleaned and your bowels are in good working order. The rectum — the portion of the human doo-doo system nearest the exit where most anal sex takes place — is a passageway,, not a warehouse, and generally you’re not going to find more than trace amounts of doo-doo in there.
I mean, dude, if you don’t want to risk any doo-doo exposure at all, that’s your business, but at least read a pamphlet on the subject before opining about it.
What, did you use a plunger, whatever, a scrubber to get all the fecal matter there? You didn’t do that, so why am I going to put my benis in there.
Yes, he called it a “benis.”
I’m not stupid. I shower every day. I’m clean. Why would I put my benis in a butt.
Yes, he called it a “benis” again.
That’s crazy. Well if I was watching anal sex porn all day, maybe I would do it. But I don’t.
Here’s the video itself, just in case you thought I was making all this up.
As you may have noticed, in this video Roosh doesn’t actually explain why any of this will turn straight men gay. But happily for us the Twitterer known as Wild Geerters has posted a video — another excerpt from the same nearly-three-hour video that the video above came from — in which Roosh spells out this logic in more detail.
In case you don’t want to spend another two minutes of your life listening to Roosh, here’s what he says:
Guess what? Not only women have butts. but men too. It’s interchangeable. … If I can sexualize the butt to you, and then feed you free porn of anal sex, do you know what I have done? I have acclimatized you, warmed you up, to homosexual sex., cause a man can have a big butt too.
There’s a lot going on there, huh? But I guess I’ll just note the rather obvious point that gay guys also have oral sex, so is straight blowjob porn a gateway drug to dude-on-dude sex too?
Actually, come to think of it, gay guys do all sorts of sexual things together that straight people also do, from kissing to handjobs to, well, all sorts of far more exotic things, and there’s porn showing all of this. Hell, there are porn videos of guys sitting alone jerking themselves off. Are we back to the idea that when a straight guy masturbates he’s actually being gay because he’s jerking off a man’s penis, albeit his own?
None of this has apparently ever occurred to Roosh. He continues:
A hole’s a hole, right? You’ve got that female booty hole. A man has it too.
Well, I can’t argue with that. Last I checked, I do indeed have a butthole, and I believe this is common amongst men.
We’re going to put that butt in your face. We’re gonna create sexual desire of the butt — so that we can now interchange it, and you won’t even notice. … Your lust for the butt will be satisfied, whether it’s from a woman or a man.
And apparently this is bad?
Why do you think anal sex in porn is so popular?
I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s because people like butts?
But Roosh thinks there’s a far darker reason.
Do you think it’s an accident? Do you think it’s taboo? No! There’s an agenda behind it.
Yep. Behind the behind, there’s an agenda. A butt agenda. One that I can only assume that Roosh, given his long history of antisemitism, blames on The Jews.
And apparently patient zero of this butt agenda is the video for the song “Twerk,” by City Girls with Cardi B.
That’s why you have a three-minute video of only butts. Did you eve notice, was there a breast in it? Girls were wearing bikini tops, but the camera didn’t focus on that. You don’t remember one breast from that clip. But you remember all the jiggling butts, ass to ass.
Having just watched this video literally two minutes ago for the first time, yes, I do remember the jiggling butts in it. And while I’ve seen numerous asses in this world that could easily belong to someone of any gender, I’ve never seen a man’s ass that looks even remotely like the huge, round, jiggly asses in this video. As a straight-man-to-gay-man conversion tool, it looks like a complete and utter failure. If it can be proved that this video has turned even one single man gay, I will publicly eat my cats.
Turns out Roosh is nearly as bad a conspiracy theorist as he is a sex expert.
H/T — Natalie Wynn (@ContraPoints) on Twitter
NOTE: This post was significantly revised to add that second video.
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Very topical tweet:
https://twitter.com/DrJenGunter/status/1090397600900104194
@Crip Dyke:
Very true points, as I’ve heard dozens of times, the biggest (and most potent) sex organ is the brain.
Someone noted above that not only are men’s assholes similar to women’s, but same goes for mouths and hands and almost all other body parts. Maybe that’s why the overly heterosexual men like Roosh only want to focus on vaginal pounding as much as possible?
More seriously, Roosh probably finds it personally offensive that mainstream porn is so much about anal these days, when he personally finds the very concept icky. (I’d too, if I shared his apparent aspiration of never using condoms) Why, it’s almost like the mainstream porn industry is catering to someone else’s tastes!
And he acts like “There’s poop in them thar hole” is some insight that wouldn’t occur to most people before they try anal. Surely, if the straight men experimenting with anal sex didn’t tolerate any shit from their partners, there’d be little risk of them turning gay via their anal sex habit?
@Katie:
Responding late, but if you concentrate on the shape your lips and tongue make when you make these sounds, they’re nearly identical. The only difference is that when you say “b”, your vocal cords vibrate more (voiced) versus when you say “p” (voiceless). In languages like ones in the Polynesian family, for example, there is no contrast between voiced and voiceless consonants, so to speakers of these languages, “b” and “p” sound the same.
This distinction is used in Irish at the start of words for various grammatical purposes, for example, to indicate possession. There are two forms of sound change: séimhiú or “softening” where a consonant changes to the equivalent fricative (“b” to “v”, for example); and urú or “eclipse” where a consonant goes from voiceless to voiced (“p” to “b”), or from voiced to nasal (“b” to “m”). For example, the Irish word for “penis” is “bod”, which is actually pronounced more like the English word “bud”. So the Irish possessive pronouns work as follows:
“mo bhod” = “my penis” (“muh vud”)
“do bhod” = “your penis” (“duh vud”)
“a bhod” = “his penis” (“ah vud”)
“a bod” = “her penis” (“ah bud”)
“ár mbod” = “our penis” (“oar mud”)
“bhúr mbod” = “your (plural) penis” (“voor mud”)
“a mbod” = “their penis” (“ah mud”)
Note that the possessive pronoun “a” can mean “his”, “her” or “their” and the only way to tell which is meant is by checking the effect on the following word. This is made difficult in cases of words that begin with consonants like “l” that don’t undergo these changes, you just have to work it out from context then. Note also that “mb” is just pronounced “m”; “mb” is just a spelling convention to remind you that the word is normally spelled with a “b”.
Believe it or not, this is one of the easier features of Irish grammar…
Two things I find it pretty funny no one has mentioned:
1) You can get to the vagina from the butt. It’s actually pretty common! You can be into butts and not anal sex!
2) He loudly proclaims himself a “boob man”, yet doesn’t even notice that the woman in the white tiger paint in the video isn’t even wearing a top at all?
Well, men have nipples too, so better not look at those