Michael B. Jordan , meet your new girlfriend, Michaela B. Jordan
By David Futrelle
It’s amazing how many men think their sperm is magical. Some, echoing the incorrect beliefs of scientists from centuries ago, think that it’s what “brings life” to the womb, with women providing no more than a place for a fetus to hang out for 9 months before it’s born. Some think their own sperm is worth its weight in gold.
Here’s a truly amazing example of this particular brand of sperm theory, in the form of a now-vanished Tumblr post from a few years ago that has been passed around incredulously ever since then. (I recently found it on the BadWomensAnatomy subreddit; it’s also been posted to the comments here before.)
In this post, someone called afrovegan suggests that women exposed to a particular man’s sperm over a long period of time will, well, start to turn into that man on a genetic level.
And maybe also become telepathic?
I’ll let afrovegan explain:
Ever see a couple that’s been together for a while and they look the same ? They could be different races but still have a strong resemblance like family ? Here’s why . During sex when a man ejaculates . His sperm or DNA is uploaded . And a female downloads it in the form of love .
Whuuuuuuut.
The more she opens up to him and her defenses fall the more data she’s able to download. So in reality fellas we are the ones giving BRAIN .
I’m not sure that woman are really lining up to, er, “download” this dude’s BRAIN sperm.
How? Sperm has cerebral spinal fluid . Or (Brain,Spine,Fluid) . It starts in the brain then is sent down the spine and turned into fluid. When women download the data it’s not just kids in the sperm . It’s your thoughts and feelings as well.
Damn, I guess I missed this day in biology class.
That’s also how women have this Connection to the men they have been with for a while . She doesn’t have to be with you or around you, and could call you as another woman is thinking about approaching you Or can tell when something isn’t right . They call it an intuition . But It’s a mental connection .
So Sperm Brain Spine Fluid is telepathic, too? It’s Telepathic Sperm Brain Spine Fluid?
The woman basically becomes a mini version of the man by taking take on personality traits as well . That’s why it’s important for females to choose their partner carefully .
For example, if a dude talks endlessly about his sperm and its magical powers, you should probably run away as fast as you can. Though I suspect most women will have intuited this already, no Sperm Brain Spine Fluid downloading necessary.
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@Moggie&Buttercup: Eeeew!
Nah, that can’t be. Women are all alike. We don’t have thoughts and feelings of our own. There’s no getting to know us. It’s all Chads and shoes and desire for beta bux in our brain, that’s all.
@ Moggie
And there was me thinking it was the uncommon sock eaters’ fault.
The guy who killed 5 people in Louisiana had been kicked out of his parents’ house, following that he’d gone to live with his girlfriend and her family who told him to leave their home and never return pretty quickly.
He killed his parents, his girlfriend, her dad and her brother (thankfully the 1 and 7 year old children also in the house were spared…he’s enough of a monster as is.) and took off in a truck owned by (I think?) the girlfriend’s dad.
Law enforcement has stated that it is one of the most appalling incidents of domestic violence in the parish, which you can almost count on being thrown out by the guys-who-yell-about-women-they’re-supposed-to-have-gone-their-own-way-from-on-the-internet. The parents will not have been nurturing enough, the lad should have been allowed to remain in their home forever instead of being summarily tossed out into the cruel cruel world. The girlfriend will be ‘Stacy’ who rejected him at the time he needed love the most before having her dad and brother act as bouncers to throw him out onto the street.
I know plenty of people who don’t murder their parents despite the fact that they suffered truly horrible things, were kicked out, and so forth. There are also plenty of people who experience a breakup or rejection from a romantic interest – nobody enjoys going through these things, but 99% of us never even consider MURDERING the person and their family members as the appropriate response.
…and I don’t even know where to start with the sperm-downloading weirdness, it’s just…blergh.
Missing socks with peculiar ideas would explain some of our more persistent trolls.
Come to think of it, if sperm is actually malware that turns women into thoughtclones of men, and only Chads have sex, then eventually all women should start acting like Chad, lifting and catcalling and monopolizing women. That will set off further chain reactions, until half of humanity becomes a sea of thick-wristed neon Spandex.
So the CBC has gone and actually done a proper job of looking at incels. Nothing anyone here doesn’t know, but it’s still a decent investigation that makes all the right points. Sort of surprised David’s not quoted anywhere, actually.
It also makes the point that in the last 30 years, there have been 120 incidents of far-right violence in Canada (incels included), and 7 incidents of Islamic terrorism.
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/incel-threat-canadians-fifth-estate-1.4992184
You know this would probably have some interesting medical applications if it was true.
Just thinking about why sperm whales were called that.
@Buttercup and Moggie:
Yup. They’re one by one realizing what alternative uses these guys are putting them to, and running for their lives.
Meanwhile, here’s me, wearing mine to the bitter end, and using the worn-out ones to make doughnuts so I can put my hair up in a bun. No wonder mine never go missing!
@wwth:
Thanks to the phrase “Chads and shoes”, now I’ve got Brian Eno’s song “Third Uncle” stuck in my head (a song most people probably know from Bauhaus’ cover if they know it all) albeit with updated lyrics
?
I know this isn’t really the point, but all this talk of spinal fluid just leaking out of and into all kinds of people is making me intensely uncomfortable.
Places where missing socks are often found:
Under the furniture
Inside the dresser or equivalent, in the wrong drawer, buried beneath clothes you don’t normally wear
Inside the dresser or equivalent, behind the drawers
Under/behind the washer or dryer
Stuck beneath the lint trap (will come loose on its own eventually, but you can remove it yourself)
Inside the washer or dryer. And by “inside” I mean “you have to take the machine apart to find it”. If it appears that one of the machines truly “ate” it, then it’s probably in there somewhere.
@ JS
I think it’s something to do with the oils and body fats they were rendered for. I also seem to remember ‘sperm’ being used to describe candle wax in a Victorian horror novel, possibly ‘Dracula.’ The full name of sperm cells is ‘spermatazoa,’ so I do wonder if they were named after tallow when they were discovered in semen. Feel free to correct me if I’m barking up the wrong tree.
Because the waxy fluid in their heads resembles semen. The extract was used for candles among other things. One candlepower of light refers specifically to the amount of light produced by a pure sperm candle.
Snowberry
I find almost all my missing socks stuck to an article of clothing, like a sweatshirt, that I folded & put away without noticing. Dryers seem to make them stick together really tight.
So, I am wondering if socks went missing at a much lower rate before dryers were invented? Perhaps a research grant is in order…..
IIRC they have a huge organ in their head full of that goop that acts like a lens for focusing sound.
Since they see with sound, it’s the equivalent of having a built-in miner’s helmet with lamp. The “sperm” organ is the lens in that lamp. Since it’s full of oil it’s less dense than the water-rich materials surrounding it and refracts sound.
And, of course, since it’s full of oil it drew acquisitive violence from humans …
Many species of whale were hunted for oil (rendered whale blubber). This was a staple industrial product until the late XIXth century. Spermaceti was a different commodity, more of a wax than an oil (chemically speaking). Both were valuable, but the latter more so. Ambergris was also prized, but could sometimes be found washed up on shore by beachcombers, having been vomited up by living whales.
I was intrigued to discover that the organ used for sound production and echolocation is a highly adapted feature of the nasal passage known as the ‘phonic lips’. It is roughly analogous to the larynx, and generates tones of various frequencies and volumes.
Is that as opposed to a scented sperm candle?
@Crip Dyke:
Early scientists who defined the candlepower could not stand the pure misandry of a scented sperm candle. Scented candles are misandrist enough, but to adulterate sperm with scenting agents? That is a bridge too far!!!
(Actual reason: pure beeswax candles were expensive, but tallow or spermaceti candles sometimes had small amounts of beeswax mixed in, so that they burned more evenly and with less smoke. I’m not sure if that also included plant-derived waxes. Yeah, I’m being a spoilsport, just cuz.)
Wow, even by MRA standards this sounds mind-blowingly insane.
Ambergris is still somewhat prized, though selling it is a bit of a trick. One enterprising person contacted their local paper, who did a story on ambergris, thus probably increasing the price they could sell it for.
Perfumers will buy the wierdest things.
@Dalillama That’s what I’ve read as well.
Re: ambergris
I still want to know who the person was who first went “You know what this really expensive perfume needs; whale barf”.
Another place where missing socks are often found (at least, in my experience):
the laundromat down the street; check the basket of left-behinds
@Kat,
Seeing as I never go to the laundromat down the street, I hope my missing socks don’t turn up there. That would be super weird.