Michael B. Jordan , meet your new girlfriend, Michaela B. Jordan
By David Futrelle
It’s amazing how many men think their sperm is magical. Some, echoing the incorrect beliefs of scientists from centuries ago, think that it’s what “brings life” to the womb, with women providing no more than a place for a fetus to hang out for 9 months before it’s born. Some think their own sperm is worth its weight in gold.
Here’s a truly amazing example of this particular brand of sperm theory, in the form of a now-vanished Tumblr post from a few years ago that has been passed around incredulously ever since then. (I recently found it on the BadWomensAnatomy subreddit; it’s also been posted to the comments here before.)
In this post, someone called afrovegan suggests that women exposed to a particular man’s sperm over a long period of time will, well, start to turn into that man on a genetic level.
And maybe also become telepathic?
I’ll let afrovegan explain:
Ever see a couple that’s been together for a while and they look the same ? They could be different races but still have a strong resemblance like family ? Here’s why . During sex when a man ejaculates . His sperm or DNA is uploaded . And a female downloads it in the form of love .
Whuuuuuuut.
The more she opens up to him and her defenses fall the more data she’s able to download. So in reality fellas we are the ones giving BRAIN .
I’m not sure that woman are really lining up to, er, “download” this dude’s BRAIN sperm.
How? Sperm has cerebral spinal fluid . Or (Brain,Spine,Fluid) . It starts in the brain then is sent down the spine and turned into fluid. When women download the data it’s not just kids in the sperm . It’s your thoughts and feelings as well.
Damn, I guess I missed this day in biology class.
That’s also how women have this Connection to the men they have been with for a while . She doesn’t have to be with you or around you, and could call you as another woman is thinking about approaching you Or can tell when something isn’t right . They call it an intuition . But It’s a mental connection .
So Sperm Brain Spine Fluid is telepathic, too? It’s Telepathic Sperm Brain Spine Fluid?
The woman basically becomes a mini version of the man by taking take on personality traits as well . That’s why it’s important for females to choose their partner carefully .
For example, if a dude talks endlessly about his sperm and its magical powers, you should probably run away as fast as you can. Though I suspect most women will have intuited this already, no Sperm Brain Spine Fluid downloading necessary.
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I’m sure somewhere in the depths of the fanfiction realms, at least ten somebodies have written at least one story with that premise. And those stories would still be better thought out than this Tumbler post.
And there’s at least twenty stories with that premise sitting in a SF editor’s slushpile, that have thought about the consequences of doing that better than this Tumbler post.
I telepathied it.
Ok, let’s look at this….
On second thought, I’m gonna go down to the coffee shop n read.
In other news, the dompster-fire-in-chief has 20 days to learn how to be president before the Speaker of the House throws him under a train… again.
Why do these weird-ass sperm fetishists always leave spaces before their periods? Does it have anything to do with menstruation and their extreme misunderstanding of how genitalia work in general?
I have so many questions.
Da fuk is this pseudoscience and inability to punctuate?
…and still a better love story than Twilight.
Loosely related article:
https://gizmodo.com/man-injects-18-doses-of-semen-into-arm-to-cure-back-pai-1831817131
Another multiple shooting… where the hell are all the good guys with guns???
Ima go out on a limb n say it looks like another piviliged white man got told “no”…
https://www-m.cnn.com/2019/01/26/us/louisiana-shootings/index.html?r=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cnn.com%2F
So by this logic, are gay men frequently “downloading” eachother until they become exact doubles who share a hive mind? Wait…is that where the Borg come from??
There’s a Flann O’Brien novel, I think maybe “The Third Policeman”, with a character who has a theory that you exchange molecules with the horse or bicycle you ride, and gradually the bike becomes more human. He comments at one point that this is, of course, why it would be completely indecent for a man to ride a lady’s bicycle.
But O’Brien was a genius, and this guy’s, um, not.
Did this guy learn about the birds and the bees from Avatar?
These people are so far gone that they observe Love and misunderstand it so badly that they think sperm-based mind control is a plausible explanation for that odd behaviour.
And even when they dimly perceive love, they can only do so in terms of controlling jealousy.
So how does this person explain those memes that suggest people look like their pets?
Never mind, don’t want to know.
Actually there is one way in which male DNA might actually be incorporated into a woman’s body and that is foetomaternal microchimerism. Basically when a woman is pregnant a lot of the time some foetal stem cells establish a lineage in the mother and if that foetus is a male then those cells will be a male! It can also go in the other direction so it is possible that if you are a woman with an older brother from the same mother, you could have a small number of his cells in your body!
TW: Gross. Ick. Eww.
https://www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/2018/12/27/i-regret-to-inform-you-that-the-incels-are-still-talking-about-the-dogpill/
You’ll get no argument from me.
The Ancient Egyptians believed that semen was made of (from?) spinal fluid, so that part didn’t come from nowhere. This is the first time I’ve seen a present-day person claim that, though.
A while back someone I follow on Twitter posted a wee TMI, saying that her boyfriend’s cum had gone up her nose (after a blowjob). She quipped “what if I get brain pregnant? Bregnant????”
We laughed, in the way you laugh at something ridiculous (plus, “bregnant” is a really funny word).
And yet there’s guys like OP…
@ podkayne
Supposedly, that was the inspiration for that Lost TV series; the one about the plane crash on the island.
What happens if the woman only has dialup, not broadband?
Well, it could be that some people are attracted to people with similar features.
It could also be that over time, couples start to adopt similar mannerisms and speech patterns. Diet may play a role.
It could also be ageism (“they all look alike”, with their wrinkles and grey hair, to someone obsessed with youth and fertility).
But no, let’s go straight to a creepy, convoluted explanation that involves zombie mind control goo (where have we heard that one before?) and the antiquated notion that PIV sex is on a par with branding cattle.
Does this guy believe his tube socks are slowly becoming sentient?
@Buttercup:
You may have stumbled on the explanation for missing socks!
@Weird Eddie
Well, clearly Lousiana as a whole, and Livingstone parish in particular is just full of weakling beta soy cucks whose decades of voting for gun grabbing communist politicians has finally come back to bite them. It is the only logical explanation. If only more god-fearing republican NRA members lived there, I’m sure everything would be fine.
I, too, am a fan of the Random Capitalized Word, but did you ever consider that this Connection is neither telepathy nor intuition but is actually just the result of two people knowing each other well?
@Snowberry
May the OP (“afrovegan”) be a hotep then?
This whole nonsense really reminds me of the “Brad Pitt always looks like his girlfriend” thing.
Is Brad (surely an example of an ultimate alpha Chad, you would imagine) actually somehow downloading the spinal fluid brain juice of all of his partners rather than performing the more traditional ejaculatory upload? Is this why he’s so successful with women?