By David Futrelle
Now, I don’t consider myself an expert on dating, but after spending a couple of hours looking through an assortment of messages that weird and confused would-be-suitors have sent to women online, and which have subsequently been posted to Reddit’s CreepyPMs and BadWomensAnatomy subreddits, it’s become clear that at the very least I am more of an expert than these guys.
It’s bad enough that dudes send creepy messages to women; it’s somehow even worse when they combine creepiness with serious ignorance about cis women’s anatomy. So I would like to offer two related bits of advice to the guys out there sending these messages.
- Spend a few minutes reading up on the basics of cis women’s reproductive systems. Learn to tell the difference between the clit and the cervix, for example, and at least roughly know where the uterus is.
- Do not mention any of these things in your opening message to a woman. Especially the words “cervix” and “uterus.” Indeed, steer clear of any references whatsoever to her anatomy in that general region down there.
Because otherwise you might find yourself writing messages like the ones below — none of which, you should know, had the desired effect upon their recipients. (A word of warning: Most of these are messages are extremely NSFW, though the women posting them happily spared us any of the dick pics they may have gotten with them.)
The first mistake this fellow made was suggesting that his “probe” might help a woman who had complained online about having a sore throat. The second mistake was, well, pretty much every word he wrote.
Dudes, how about we just agree that you never mention the clit at all?
This fellow ruined his chances of scoring a date by breaking the “don’t talk about the uterus” rule. Though, to be fair, his chances were probably ruined long before he got to that particular word.
Somehow this other dude managed to break the uterus rule even harder.
But I have to give this guy props for inventing a whole new kind of orgasm (allegedly).
Moving on to yet another of the big no-no words, this dude here seems to have a less-than-complete understanding of the cervix.
Here’s a message from a real out-of-the-box thinker.
This one is just kind of rude:
Before I wrap things up, I want to add an addendum to the rules for dudes above: Don’t talk about your semen. I know that writers are often told to “write what you know,” and while that it generally good advice, here it fails utterly.
You may be intimately familiar with your own sperm, producing numerous installments of the stuff on a daily basis, but it’s quite likely that you are wildly overestimating the interest women have in hearing about it. Even women who are into cum generally don’t want to hear about it in your introductory note.
Here’s a helpful visualization of that last guy’s messages. In the following gif, the man represents, well, the dude sending the messages; the brick represents his messages; and the washing machine represents his chances for ever getting a date with the women in question.
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I’d think, if these are presumed to be honest sexual approaches, then so is “fuck you”.
“I haven’t actually tested, but surely I wouldn’t fail at something like this?”
“I know women sometimes want sex with random men, and I can’t imagine any reason other than the consummation of biological purpose.”
“Some other guys are real assholes, you know?”
“I like looking smart, so if you ever have a problem, I’ll try to bullshit some solution.”
@Surplus:
No need. You think the Lord of Semen would be limited to one place?
Reminds me of this cartoon, from my college days. “I she be your girlfriend.”
O/T, but if anyone wants cheering up, here’s the indictment against Roger Stone…
https://www.justice.gov/file/1124706/download
And apparently Stone will be on Tucker Carlson’s show tonight. I imagine his lawyer will be hitting the bottle and muttering “shut the fuck up, man!”
Moggie – I saw a Reddit comment on the hbomberguy fundraiser mocking AOC for associating with such a loser, and claiming that she’d just sunk her reelection chances. The conviction that a significant number of voters in her district have strong opinions on hbomberguy seemed like a good example of the mindset that results from spending your entire life online. It’s like they’re LARPing “Ready Player One”.
Well, pffffffff my image link didn’t work how I expected.
This is what I was aiming to post.
@AsAboveSoBelow:
Thanks for that. I was in a horrible mood and you and Strongbad lifted my spirits!
@Robert, oh yes, now that AOC has hung out with a beta soyboy commulist who hasn’t even beaten Beaver Bother, she’s finished. Seriously, watching the right find new ways to lose their shit over AOC is hilarious.
@Dormousing_it, @NicolaLuna
I’ve never had anything pierced. When I had periods I used pads. For me, tampons were too drying. When I pulled them out, they took the blood and also the vaginal fluids.
Sorry not sorry for sharing this info, manospherian lurkers. Hey, look at you — you learned something real about some women!
I know, right? It’s like they actually swallowed their own bullshit about how center-right positions and policies are actually radical leftwing communism; expose them to actual progressive ideas, and they have a collective aneurism.
The entire Rethug party is deeply delusional.
Thank you those who gave me advice. I went ahead and reported it.
Dudes, a few things you ought to know.
1) Most porn is written by and for men, and even the female-perspective stuff doesn’t accurately describe what women want and/or enjoy.
2) Part of the appeal of the cartoon stuff is that it allows for things that would be physically impossible/horrendously uncomfortable if done with real actors.
3) When trying to get some, the person you are talking to should ideally take longer than the first few messages to guess your favorite doujin tags. Especially if said tags fall into the “physically impossible/horrendously uncomfortable” category.
He says he has a curved penis. That’s not normal for a human. What is he, a raccoon?
@FluffyGhostKitten
Some penes are just funny shapes. Some of them just developed that way, others are as a result of medical issues.
@FluffyGhostKitten
It may not be especially common, but it’s definitly not abnormal to have a curved penis
@FluffyGhostKitten. Probably a boar (as well as a boor, and a bore). The boar’s penis has a spiral end, which fits into a matching groove in the sow’s cervix, prompting ejaculation.
All this talk about curved penes reminded me of this quote:
“An erect harbor porpoise penis goes up to its chin—or, where its chin would be, if it were not a marine mammal,”
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/science-sushi/2017/10/10/dolphin-penis-vagina-simulated-marine-mammal-sex/
@Lainy, best of luck. I hope they catch the assailant. I also hope there aren’t many more victims before they do so.
@Yutolia: You’re welcome! Strongbad always makes me laugh, especially when he reads out the emails, misspellings and all.
In my case a 400% chance – I have 4 sons. And that is definitely the only way a penis could or would get in my uterus.
Circumcision can result in a curved penis. One variation of this is called chordee, which can also be from things like hypospadius, but is most frequent from infant circumcision.