By David Futrelle
Now, I don’t consider myself an expert on dating, but after spending a couple of hours looking through an assortment of messages that weird and confused would-be-suitors have sent to women online, and which have subsequently been posted to Reddit’s CreepyPMs and BadWomensAnatomy subreddits, it’s become clear that at the very least I am more of an expert than these guys.
It’s bad enough that dudes send creepy messages to women; it’s somehow even worse when they combine creepiness with serious ignorance about cis women’s anatomy. So I would like to offer two related bits of advice to the guys out there sending these messages.
- Spend a few minutes reading up on the basics of cis women’s reproductive systems. Learn to tell the difference between the clit and the cervix, for example, and at least roughly know where the uterus is.
- Do not mention any of these things in your opening message to a woman. Especially the words “cervix” and “uterus.” Indeed, steer clear of any references whatsoever to her anatomy in that general region down there.
Because otherwise you might find yourself writing messages like the ones below — none of which, you should know, had the desired effect upon their recipients. (A word of warning: Most of these are messages are extremely NSFW, though the women posting them happily spared us any of the dick pics they may have gotten with them.)
The first mistake this fellow made was suggesting that his “probe” might help a woman who had complained online about having a sore throat. The second mistake was, well, pretty much every word he wrote.
Dudes, how about we just agree that you never mention the clit at all?
This fellow ruined his chances of scoring a date by breaking the “don’t talk about the uterus” rule. Though, to be fair, his chances were probably ruined long before he got to that particular word.
Somehow this other dude managed to break the uterus rule even harder.
But I have to give this guy props for inventing a whole new kind of orgasm (allegedly).
Moving on to yet another of the big no-no words, this dude here seems to have a less-than-complete understanding of the cervix.
Here’s a message from a real out-of-the-box thinker.
This one is just kind of rude:
Before I wrap things up, I want to add an addendum to the rules for dudes above: Don’t talk about your semen. I know that writers are often told to “write what you know,” and while that it generally good advice, here it fails utterly.
You may be intimately familiar with your own sperm, producing numerous installments of the stuff on a daily basis, but it’s quite likely that you are wildly overestimating the interest women have in hearing about it. Even women who are into cum generally don’t want to hear about it in your introductory note.
Here’s a helpful visualization of that last guy’s messages. In the following gif, the man represents, well, the dude sending the messages; the brick represents his messages; and the washing machine represents his chances for ever getting a date with the women in question.
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We SHOULD talk about the clit. A lot more. In the society. In media. In art. In school. THIS IS IMPORTANT. (A message from a cis woman, but probs some trans men will agree 😀 )
These guys are as intimately familiar with their own sperm as they are with anything else that’s invisible to the naked eye.
Chad, I think you might be rushing the declaration of love. Here’s what teenagers say when they’re crushing on someone but still want to play it cool: “I like your style.”
If this were written in all-caps, it could have been a tweet from the fucking president of the United States. Hell, for all we know, it might be the opening line he’s planned for the SOTU adress.
That last guy seems to get stupider and stupider from one message to the next. In April he’s sending her a moderately articulate invitation to go out for drinks and chat, like a relatively normal person, but by May he’s just going “Sperm?” What is the thought process that goes: “Well, she isn’t responding much to normal conversation, so I’d better just dumb it down to grunting about bodily fluid. That usually works.”???
I wonder what the “good good listener and advisor of problems” would advise for dealing with the problem of a guy’s first words to you being “I have very healthy sperm”?
“It’s not a hole.”
“Why?”
“Ur toilet body part”
Who writes that, and thinks “yep, that sounds right, and also hot”?
@Kupo
Gee, I can’t be certain. She never complained of discomfort from wearing tampons, not that I can remember. She did seem squeamish about them.
I’d post it here if it weren’t very NSFW, but there was a great post on FurAffinity basically taking other adult artists to task for their horrible grasp of anatomy, particularly in “internal” cross sections where they seem to believe hitting the cervix causes pleasure rather than intense pain (looking your way, Naylor). To say nothing of all the “stomach bulge” fantasies….
It was also nice that the image was not gendered and referred to the organs themselves rather than “male” and “female.”
@Bina
Heard the news on the radio this morning. Kinda glad I never ever saw or heard of “Your Ward News” before these clowns were in court. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
OT: Graun interview with hbomberguy about the thing. Fails to mention our Lord Sobek, but nice otherwise.
@Katamount
Weird anatomy in furry art is one of my favorite things. I saw a piece the other day where the characters’ arms and legs seemed to be of normal proportion, but it looked like the artist had added an extra third to their torsos. It was also NSFW, so I won’t be sharing it here, but it was pretty amusing to try to trace their skeletal systems and figure out how their torsos were bending the way they were.
Given these dudes’ grasp on anatomy, it wouldn’t surprise me if some of them subscribe to that old Victorian idea of a “wandering uterus”.
And if that’s the case, you just gotta wait until the uterus wanders somewhere convenient for your ass-crumb sniffing needs.
@Chad normalman
Oh chad! Its not even valentines day and youve stolen my heart and ovaducts!
Swoooooooooonnnnnn
@Catalpa – That is exactly why I’ve warned my uterus not to wander. Stranger danger.
@Talonknife
Man, the engineer in me could puzzle over skeletal structures in adult illustration all day.
…
I need to go on Escher Girls more often.
I knit vulva / labia flowers from rescue wool, with clitoris bead (and sometimes themed ones, eg: seaweed pubic hair, shell clitoris etc for a mermaid).
Best response when putting some in an Art exhibition recently: organiser (staring at bead, which was handmade)
“Oh. What… what… IS that? Is that the G spot?”
If one does get pregnant, one has a 50% chance of having a penis in one’s womb.
@Moggie: Are you planning a trip on the Nile river?
This did make me laugh, especially the person who sent pusheen in reply to a request for pussy, and then the singleminded correspondent replied, toilet part. How romantic.
Hey guys. off topic but my ass just got groped going down the stares to my class. There wasn’t a security camera and I didn’t get a good look at his face because I was trying to get away as quickly as I can. Should I report it to campus police?
@ Lainy
I would advise, yes.
There’s probably little they can do; but it’s at least logged as an incident (hopefully); and it may well be that your bit of information is useful as part of a bigger picture; if, for example, other people have made complaints.
I would totally understand though if you’d prefer not to. It’s sad, but realistic, to warn that there’s always a risk of repercussion.
IF you’re emotionally up to it, I would say yes. They may not do anything for you specifically, but if they get several reports they may actually be able to do something (or take it seriously enough to do something :P).
Full disclosure, I am speaking from a perspective of authorative lived experience… this here is 1966 small town junior high school boys locker room truth….
This is exactly me! I don’t have periods any more but I used to only wear pads and I don’t have my ears pierced.
My hood piercing recently got taken out during an operation and I can’t get it back in. After 16 years with it, it seems weird without it!