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Bad (Anatomy) Romance: Creepy dudes woo the ladies with some of the most anatomically incorrect DMs of all time

Note: Diagram might not be 100% correct

By David Futrelle

Now, I don’t consider myself an expert on dating, but after spending a couple of hours looking through an assortment of messages that weird and confused would-be-suitors have sent to women online, and which have subsequently been posted to Reddit’s CreepyPMs and BadWomensAnatomy subreddits, it’s become clear that at the very least I am more of an expert than these guys.

It’s bad enough that dudes send creepy messages to women; it’s somehow even worse when they combine creepiness with serious ignorance about cis women’s anatomy. So I would like to offer two related bits of advice to the guys out there sending these messages.

  1. Spend a few minutes reading up on the basics of cis women’s reproductive systems. Learn to tell the difference between the clit and the cervix, for example, and at least roughly know where the uterus is.
  2. Do not mention any of these things in your opening message to a woman. Especially the words “cervix” and “uterus.” Indeed, steer clear of any references whatsoever to her anatomy in that general region down there.

Because otherwise you might find yourself writing messages like the ones below — none of which, you should know, had the desired effect upon their recipients. (A word of warning: Most of these are messages are extremely NSFW, though the women posting them happily spared us any of the dick pics they may have gotten with them.)

The first mistake this fellow made was suggesting that his “probe” might help a woman who had complained online about having a sore throat. The second mistake was, well, pretty much every word he wrote.

Dudes, how about we just agree that you never mention the clit at all?

This fellow ruined his chances of scoring a date by breaking the “don’t talk about the uterus” rule. Though, to be fair, his chances were probably ruined long before he got to that particular word.

Somehow this other dude managed to break the uterus rule even harder.

i want to collect ur ass crumbs and snort them off your uterus

But I have to give this guy props for inventing a whole new kind of orgasm (allegedly).

Moving on to yet another of the big no-no words, this dude here seems to have a less-than-complete understanding of the cervix.

Here’s a message from a real out-of-the-box thinker.

This one is just kind of rude:

Before I wrap things up, I want to add an addendum to the rules for dudes above: Don’t talk about your semen. I know that writers are often told to “write what you know,” and while that it generally good advice, here it fails utterly.

You may be intimately familiar with your own sperm, producing numerous installments of the stuff on a daily basis, but it’s quite likely that you are wildly overestimating the interest women have in hearing about it. Even women who are into cum generally don’t want to hear about it in your introductory note.

Here’s a helpful visualization of that last guy’s messages. In the following gif, the man represents, well, the dude sending the messages; the brick represents his messages; and the washing machine represents his chances for ever getting a date with the women in question.

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jone (social justice cleric)
jone (social justice cleric)
2 years ago

I really hope a penis never ends up in my uterus, and only partly because I don’t want to birth children.

I would say I won’t birth children, but apparently some people believe I should have no choice.

Nice usage of a washing machine+brick metaphor.

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
2 years ago

comment image

Tovius
2 years ago

Good lord.

EverythingIsRidiculous
EverythingIsRidiculous
2 years ago

Feeling a bit sick, can we open a window.

Wandering Jewterus
Wandering Jewterus
2 years ago

I honestly don’t know what’s more amusing: their lack of knowledge regarding basic cis female anatomy, or their abysmal writing skills.

Even the most erotically charged prose is going to sound hilariously inept if it looks like someone left their pet capuchin to hammer randomly on the keyboard.

I feel more stupid for having read that nonsense. 😖

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
2 years ago

The ‘I’m going to make a hole in your clit’ one had me amused AND horrified.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
2 years ago

My sides are in orbit.

jone (social justice cleric)
jone (social justice cleric)
2 years ago

Sperm?

tim gueguen
2 years ago

This unfortunately isn’t the first time I’ve seen someone confuse the vagina and the clitoris. There was some piece of fanfiction I read a few years back where the writer kept talking about the male character in the fic “piercing” his partner’s clitoris.

“Ass crumbs?” I wonder if the person in question isn’t looking for a female version of Roosh V.

Chris Oakley
2 years ago

Did anyone else hear “Insane In The Brain” in their mind while reading this article?

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
2 years ago

My insides are cringing at the idea of anything entering my uterus. That’s not sex; that’s a gynecological procedure.

@tim gueguen

Maybe by “piercing” the author meant piercing for jewelry. I know some women get their clits pierced, just like their ears. This also makes me cringe.

Bananananana dakry: Short-Haired, Fat, and Deranged
Bananananana dakry: Short-Haired, Fat, and Deranged
2 years ago

I’m clamping my knees together while Mr. Dakry and I are laughing our asses off at both the anatomical ignorance and horrible horrible spelling of these posts. I can multitask like that.

Then he saw the bit with the washer and went, “Hey, that’s Photonic Induction’s Washer Destruction video!” Yeah, he watches stuff like that.

jone (social justice cleric)
jone (social justice cleric)
2 years ago

@Dormousing_it

I have seen a clitoris piercing in a photo before. Some people will pierce anything, I won’t get much more graphically descriptive in order to describe some of the penis piercings I’ve seen (straight through).

When I was younger it was a bit of a fad to get a clitoris hood piercing, which makes a lot more sense and may be quite practical.

But I think it went out of style once yoga pants became a thing. For reasons.

Wandering Jewterus
Wandering Jewterus
2 years ago

@ jone

When I was younger it was a bit of a fad to get a clitoris hood piercing, which makes a lot more sense and may be quite practical.

But I think it went out of style once yoga pants became a thing. For reasons.

That innocuous “For reasons” really made me laugh out loud, given the context; although I’d argue that leggings truly put an end to piercings in the ol’ bathing suit region. They really don’t leave much to the imagination.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. Wear whatcha want. Hell, I admire people that feel comfortable enough with their bodies to wear leggings in public.

I couldn’t do it. 😞

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
2 years ago

@jone (social justice cleric)

My late sister had her hood pierced, about 15 years ago. Oddly enough, she never got her ears pierced, and she refused to use tampons, only pads. I know, TMI. I only mention it because I always found it strange…she was squeamish about tampons, but she went and got a genital piercing?? Doesn’t make sense to me.

I suppose piercing the hood hurts MUCH less than piercing the clitoris itself, for obvious reasons. I don’t intend to ever find out for myself, tho.

Pavlovs House
Pavlovs House
2 years ago

My very early messages to Ms. Pavlov’s House right after we first met were about, I think art collecting. Our first date was a yoga class.

Clearly I must be a hopeless beta.

I suppose it was also totally beta move that I carried her photo the shoulder pocket of my ACU top when on field exercises with my Reserve unit that weekend….

Oh, if only I could reach such high levels of awareness as these exemplars of masculinity. Oh, if only….

(We always do hot yoga together and she is really really REALLY pretty when we practice together and I love having her mat beside mine.)

AsAboveSoBelow
AsAboveSoBelow
2 years ago

“i marstobating.” Wow.

kupo
kupo
2 years ago

I only mention it because I always found it strange…she was squeamish about tampons, but she went and got a genital piercing?? Doesn’t make sense to me.

TMI warning. Was she squeamish or were they uncomfortable for her? I can’t do tampons because they always feel uncomfortable for me, so I prefer pads. I’ll endure tampons so I can swim, but that’s it.

Bina
2 years ago

Between the hole in the clit guy and the uterine orgasm guy, all my cis-lady bits just dried up and blew away on the wind.

And speaking of libido-evaporators, Dimitri the Hater (a.k.a. James Sears), Canada’s most notorious PUA and antisemite, was found guilty of hate charges today. Misogyny was a particulary noted one.

Just thought I’d mention, since it seemed germane to the subject.

Alexis Filth
2 years ago

Man, I kind of want to add some of the chaser DMs I’ve gotten, but I usually block them at the speed of light so I have no screen shots ;_;

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
2 years ago

I’m not sure how you snort ass crumbs off a uterus, unless you’re an obstetrician.

Hello i marstobating

Is that Birds Rights Activist?

Bakunin
Bakunin
2 years ago

@Alexis Filth
I’ll bet they were the epitome of class and tasteful romance /s

Robert
Robert
2 years ago

Sweet Christmas, as Luke Cage would say. I know more about the female reproductive system than these burbling whatsits, and I haven’t been near one since the Kennedy administration.

Chad Normalman
Chad Normalman
2 years ago

Greetings human woman. I wish to erotically thrust my hemipenes into your cloacal fold, producing much froth in the manner of warm blooded biped intercourse.

Your ovipositor shall grow large with gametes.

I am a normal man, except for my earth genitals which far exceed average dimensions and my quantity of earth currencies. I possess many earth currencies such as the florin and peseta.

Will you engage in a period of dating with me, Chad Normalman?

I love you.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

splean

Priscilla Poopalot
Priscilla Poopalot
2 years ago

We SHOULD talk about the clit. A lot more. In the society. In media. In art. In school. THIS IS IMPORTANT. (A message from a cis woman, but probs some trans men will agree 😀 )

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
2 years ago

You may be intimately familiar with your own sperm.

These guys are as intimately familiar with their own sperm as they are with anything else that’s invisible to the naked eye.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
2 years ago

Will you engage in a period of dating with me, Chad Normalman?

I love you.

Chad, I think you might be rushing the declaration of love. Here’s what teenagers say when they’re crushing on someone but still want to play it cool: “I like your style.”

Rei Malebario
Rei Malebario
2 years ago

Hello there. I have very healthy sperm, very high sperm count …

If this were written in all-caps, it could have been a tweet from the fucking president of the United States. Hell, for all we know, it might be the opening line he’s planned for the SOTU adress.

Alexisagirlsname
Alexisagirlsname
2 years ago

That last guy seems to get stupider and stupider from one message to the next. In April he’s sending her a moderately articulate invitation to go out for drinks and chat, like a relatively normal person, but by May he’s just going “Sperm?” What is the thought process that goes: “Well, she isn’t responding much to normal conversation, so I’d better just dumb it down to grunting about bodily fluid. That usually works.”???

I wonder what the “good good listener and advisor of problems” would advise for dealing with the problem of a guy’s first words to you being “I have very healthy sperm”?

Podkayne Lives
Podkayne Lives
2 years ago

“It’s not a hole.”

“Why?”

Michael Long
Michael Long
2 years ago

comment image

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

“Ur toilet body part”
Who writes that, and thinks “yep, that sounds right, and also hot”?

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
2 years ago

@Kupo

Gee, I can’t be certain. She never complained of discomfort from wearing tampons, not that I can remember. She did seem squeamish about them.

Katamount
Katamount
2 years ago

I’d post it here if it weren’t very NSFW, but there was a great post on FurAffinity basically taking other adult artists to task for their horrible grasp of anatomy, particularly in “internal” cross sections where they seem to believe hitting the cervix causes pleasure rather than intense pain (looking your way, Naylor). To say nothing of all the “stomach bulge” fantasies….

It was also nice that the image was not gendered and referred to the organs themselves rather than “male” and “female.”

@Bina

Heard the news on the radio this morning. Kinda glad I never ever saw or heard of “Your Ward News” before these clowns were in court. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

OT: Graun interview with hbomberguy about the thing. Fails to mention our Lord Sobek, but nice otherwise.

Talonknife
Talonknife
2 years ago

@Katamount

Weird anatomy in furry art is one of my favorite things. I saw a piece the other day where the characters’ arms and legs seemed to be of normal proportion, but it looked like the artist had added an extra third to their torsos. It was also NSFW, so I won’t be sharing it here, but it was pretty amusing to try to trace their skeletal systems and figure out how their torsos were bending the way they were.

Catalpa
Catalpa
2 years ago

I’m not sure how you snort ass crumbs off a uterus, unless you’re an obstetrician.

Given these dudes’ grasp on anatomy, it wouldn’t surprise me if some of them subscribe to that old Victorian idea of a “wandering uterus”.

And if that’s the case, you just gotta wait until the uterus wanders somewhere convenient for your ass-crumb sniffing needs.

cornychips
cornychips
2 years ago

@Chad normalman

Oh chad! Its not even valentines day and youve stolen my heart and ovaducts!

Swoooooooooonnnnnn

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
2 years ago

@Catalpa – That is exactly why I’ve warned my uterus not to wander. Stranger danger.

Katamount
Katamount
2 years ago

@Talonknife

Man, the engineer in me could puzzle over skeletal structures in adult illustration all day.

I need to go on Escher Girls more often.

bluecat
bluecat
2 years ago

I knit vulva / labia flowers from rescue wool, with clitoris bead (and sometimes themed ones, eg: seaweed pubic hair, shell clitoris etc for a mermaid).

Best response when putting some in an Art exhibition recently: organiser (staring at bead, which was handmade)

“Oh. What… what… IS that? Is that the G spot?”

Citerior Motive
Citerior Motive
2 years ago

If one does get pregnant, one has a 50% chance of having a penis in one’s womb.

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
2 years ago

@Moggie: Are you planning a trip on the Nile river?

Glad I'm Not Dating
Glad I'm Not Dating
2 years ago

This did make me laugh, especially the person who sent pusheen in reply to a request for pussy, and then the singleminded correspondent replied, toilet part. How romantic.

Lainy
Lainy
2 years ago

Hey guys. off topic but my ass just got groped going down the stares to my class. There wasn’t a security camera and I didn’t get a good look at his face because I was trying to get away as quickly as I can. Should I report it to campus police?

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

@ Lainy

I would advise, yes.

There’s probably little they can do; but it’s at least logged as an incident (hopefully); and it may well be that your bit of information is useful as part of a bigger picture; if, for example, other people have made complaints.

I would totally understand though if you’d prefer not to. It’s sad, but realistic, to warn that there’s always a risk of repercussion.

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
2 years ago

IF you’re emotionally up to it, I would say yes. They may not do anything for you specifically, but if they get several reports they may actually be able to do something (or take it seriously enough to do something :P).

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
2 years ago

Full disclosure, I am speaking from a perspective of authorative lived experience… this here is 1966 small town junior high school boys locker room truth….

NicolaLuna
NicolaLuna
2 years ago

My late sister had her hood pierced, about 15 years ago. Oddly enough, she never got her ears pierced, and she refused to use tampons, only pads. I know, TMI. I only mention it because I always found it strange…she was squeamish about tampons, but she went and got a genital piercing?? Doesn’t make sense to me.

This is exactly me! I don’t have periods any more but I used to only wear pads and I don’t have my ears pierced.

My hood piercing recently got taken out during an operation and I can’t get it back in. After 16 years with it, it seems weird without it!