By David Futrelle
Now, I don’t consider myself an expert on dating, but after spending a couple of hours looking through an assortment of messages that weird and confused would-be-suitors have sent to women online, and which have subsequently been posted to Reddit’s CreepyPMs and BadWomensAnatomy subreddits, it’s become clear that at the very least I am more of an expert than these guys.
It’s bad enough that dudes send creepy messages to women; it’s somehow even worse when they combine creepiness with serious ignorance about cis women’s anatomy. So I would like to offer two related bits of advice to the guys out there sending these messages.
- Spend a few minutes reading up on the basics of cis women’s reproductive systems. Learn to tell the difference between the clit and the cervix, for example, and at least roughly know where the uterus is.
- Do not mention any of these things in your opening message to a woman. Especially the words “cervix” and “uterus.” Indeed, steer clear of any references whatsoever to her anatomy in that general region down there.
Because otherwise you might find yourself writing messages like the ones below — none of which, you should know, had the desired effect upon their recipients. (A word of warning: Most of these are messages are extremely NSFW, though the women posting them happily spared us any of the dick pics they may have gotten with them.)
The first mistake this fellow made was suggesting that his “probe” might help a woman who had complained online about having a sore throat. The second mistake was, well, pretty much every word he wrote.
Dudes, how about we just agree that you never mention the clit at all?
This fellow ruined his chances of scoring a date by breaking the “don’t talk about the uterus” rule. Though, to be fair, his chances were probably ruined long before he got to that particular word.
Somehow this other dude managed to break the uterus rule even harder.
But I have to give this guy props for inventing a whole new kind of orgasm (allegedly).
Moving on to yet another of the big no-no words, this dude here seems to have a less-than-complete understanding of the cervix.
Here’s a message from a real out-of-the-box thinker.
This one is just kind of rude:
Before I wrap things up, I want to add an addendum to the rules for dudes above: Don’t talk about your semen. I know that writers are often told to “write what you know,” and while that it generally good advice, here it fails utterly.
You may be intimately familiar with your own sperm, producing numerous installments of the stuff on a daily basis, but it’s quite likely that you are wildly overestimating the interest women have in hearing about it. Even women who are into cum generally don’t want to hear about it in your introductory note.
Here’s a helpful visualization of that last guy’s messages. In the following gif, the man represents, well, the dude sending the messages; the brick represents his messages; and the washing machine represents his chances for ever getting a date with the women in question.
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I really hope a penis never ends up in my uterus, and only partly because I don’t want to birth children.
I would say I won’t birth children, but apparently some people believe I should have no choice.
Nice usage of a washing machine+brick metaphor.
Good lord.
Feeling a bit sick, can we open a window.
I honestly don’t know what’s more amusing: their lack of knowledge regarding basic cis female anatomy, or their abysmal writing skills.
Even the most erotically charged prose is going to sound hilariously inept if it looks like someone left their pet capuchin to hammer randomly on the keyboard.
I feel more stupid for having read that nonsense. ?
The ‘I’m going to make a hole in your clit’ one had me amused AND horrified.
My sides are in orbit.
Sperm?
This unfortunately isn’t the first time I’ve seen someone confuse the vagina and the clitoris. There was some piece of fanfiction I read a few years back where the writer kept talking about the male character in the fic “piercing” his partner’s clitoris.
“Ass crumbs?” I wonder if the person in question isn’t looking for a female version of Roosh V.
Did anyone else hear “Insane In The Brain” in their mind while reading this article?
My insides are cringing at the idea of anything entering my uterus. That’s not sex; that’s a gynecological procedure.
@tim gueguen
Maybe by “piercing” the author meant piercing for jewelry. I know some women get their clits pierced, just like their ears. This also makes me cringe.
I’m clamping my knees together while Mr. Dakry and I are laughing our asses off at both the anatomical ignorance and horrible horrible spelling of these posts. I can multitask like that.
Then he saw the bit with the washer and went, “Hey, that’s Photonic Induction’s Washer Destruction video!” Yeah, he watches stuff like that.
@Dormousing_it
I have seen a clitoris piercing in a photo before. Some people will pierce anything, I won’t get much more graphically descriptive in order to describe some of the penis piercings I’ve seen (straight through).
When I was younger it was a bit of a fad to get a clitoris hood piercing, which makes a lot more sense and may be quite practical.
But I think it went out of style once yoga pants became a thing. For reasons.
@ jone
That innocuous “For reasons” really made me laugh out loud, given the context; although I’d argue that leggings truly put an end to piercings in the ol’ bathing suit region. They really don’t leave much to the imagination.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. Wear whatcha want. Hell, I admire people that feel comfortable enough with their bodies to wear leggings in public.
I couldn’t do it. ?
@jone (social justice cleric)
My late sister had her hood pierced, about 15 years ago. Oddly enough, she never got her ears pierced, and she refused to use tampons, only pads. I know, TMI. I only mention it because I always found it strange…she was squeamish about tampons, but she went and got a genital piercing?? Doesn’t make sense to me.
I suppose piercing the hood hurts MUCH less than piercing the clitoris itself, for obvious reasons. I don’t intend to ever find out for myself, tho.
My very early messages to Ms. Pavlov’s House right after we first met were about, I think art collecting. Our first date was a yoga class.
Clearly I must be a hopeless beta.
I suppose it was also totally beta move that I carried her photo the shoulder pocket of my ACU top when on field exercises with my Reserve unit that weekend….
Oh, if only I could reach such high levels of awareness as these exemplars of masculinity. Oh, if only….
(We always do hot yoga together and she is really really REALLY pretty when we practice together and I love having her mat beside mine.)
“i marstobating.” Wow.
TMI warning. Was she squeamish or were they uncomfortable for her? I can’t do tampons because they always feel uncomfortable for me, so I prefer pads. I’ll endure tampons so I can swim, but that’s it.
Between the hole in the clit guy and the uterine orgasm guy, all my cis-lady bits just dried up and blew away on the wind.
And speaking of libido-evaporators, Dimitri the Hater (a.k.a. James Sears), Canada’s most notorious PUA and antisemite, was found guilty of hate charges today. Misogyny was a particulary noted one.
Just thought I’d mention, since it seemed germane to the subject.
Man, I kind of want to add some of the chaser DMs I’ve gotten, but I usually block them at the speed of light so I have no screen shots ;_;
I’m not sure how you snort ass crumbs off a uterus, unless you’re an obstetrician.
Is that Birds Rights Activist?
@Alexis Filth
I’ll bet they were the epitome of class and tasteful romance /s
Sweet Christmas, as Luke Cage would say. I know more about the female reproductive system than these burbling whatsits, and I haven’t been near one since the Kennedy administration.
Greetings human woman. I wish to erotically thrust my hemipenes into your cloacal fold, producing much froth in the manner of warm blooded biped intercourse.
Your ovipositor shall grow large with gametes.
I am a normal man, except for my earth genitals which far exceed average dimensions and my quantity of earth currencies. I possess many earth currencies such as the florin and peseta.
Will you engage in a period of dating with me, Chad Normalman?
I love you.
splean