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Bad (Anatomy) Romance: Creepy dudes woo the ladies with some of the most anatomically incorrect DMs of all time

Note: Diagram might not be 100% correct

By David Futrelle

Now, I don’t consider myself an expert on dating, but after spending a couple of hours looking through an assortment of messages that weird and confused would-be-suitors have sent to women online, and which have subsequently been posted to Reddit’s CreepyPMs and BadWomensAnatomy subreddits, it’s become clear that at the very least I am more of an expert than these guys.

It’s bad enough that dudes send creepy messages to women; it’s somehow even worse when they combine creepiness with serious ignorance about cis women’s anatomy. So I would like to offer two related bits of advice to the guys out there sending these messages.

  1. Spend a few minutes reading up on the basics of cis women’s reproductive systems. Learn to tell the difference between the clit and the cervix, for example, and at least roughly know where the uterus is.
  2. Do not mention any of these things in your opening message to a woman. Especially the words “cervix” and “uterus.” Indeed, steer clear of any references whatsoever to her anatomy in that general region down there.

Because otherwise you might find yourself writing messages like the ones below — none of which, you should know, had the desired effect upon their recipients. (A word of warning: Most of these are messages are extremely NSFW, though the women posting them happily spared us any of the dick pics they may have gotten with them.)

The first mistake this fellow made was suggesting that his “probe” might help a woman who had complained online about having a sore throat. The second mistake was, well, pretty much every word he wrote.

Dudes, how about we just agree that you never mention the clit at all?

This fellow ruined his chances of scoring a date by breaking the “don’t talk about the uterus” rule. Though, to be fair, his chances were probably ruined long before he got to that particular word.

Somehow this other dude managed to break the uterus rule even harder.

i want to collect ur ass crumbs and snort them off your uterus

But I have to give this guy props for inventing a whole new kind of orgasm (allegedly).

Moving on to yet another of the big no-no words, this dude here seems to have a less-than-complete understanding of the cervix.

Here’s a message from a real out-of-the-box thinker.

This one is just kind of rude:

Before I wrap things up, I want to add an addendum to the rules for dudes above: Don’t talk about your semen. I know that writers are often told to “write what you know,” and while that it generally good advice, here it fails utterly.

You may be intimately familiar with your own sperm, producing numerous installments of the stuff on a daily basis, but it’s quite likely that you are wildly overestimating the interest women have in hearing about it. Even women who are into cum generally don’t want to hear about it in your introductory note.

Here’s a helpful visualization of that last guy’s messages. In the following gif, the man represents, well, the dude sending the messages; the brick represents his messages; and the washing machine represents his chances for ever getting a date with the women in question.

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Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
1 year ago

I’d think, if these are presumed to be honest sexual approaches, then so is “fuck you”.

Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
1 year ago

I have very healthy sperm, very high sperm count.

“I haven’t actually tested, but surely I wouldn’t fail at something like this?”

So if you are considering becoming pregnant maybe we can discuss.

“I know women sometimes want sex with random men, and I can’t imagine any reason other than the consummation of biological purpose.”

I very friendly and none pushy.

“Some other guys are real assholes, you know?”

I an also a good listener and advisor of problems

“I like looking smart, so if you ever have a problem, I’ll try to bullshit some solution.”

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

@Surplus:

@Moggie: Are you planning a trip on the Nile river?

No need. You think the Lord of Semen would be limited to one place?

AsAboveSoBelow
AsAboveSoBelow
1 year ago

Reminds me of this cartoon, from my college days. “I she be your girlfriend.”

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago

O/T, but if anyone wants cheering up, here’s the indictment against Roger Stone…

https://www.justice.gov/file/1124706/download

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

And apparently Stone will be on Tucker Carlson’s show tonight. I imagine his lawyer will be hitting the bottle and muttering “shut the fuck up, man!”

Castrating Harpy
Castrating Harpy
1 year ago

Robert
Robert
1 year ago

Moggie – I saw a Reddit comment on the hbomberguy fundraiser mocking AOC for associating with such a loser, and claiming that she’d just sunk her reelection chances. The conviction that a significant number of voters in her district have strong opinions on hbomberguy seemed like a good example of the mindset that results from spending your entire life online. It’s like they’re LARPing “Ready Player One”.

Castrating Harpy
Castrating Harpy
1 year ago

Well, pffffffff my image link didn’t work how I expected.
This is what I was aiming to post.

Yutolia the Green Hash Pronoun Boner
Yutolia the Green Hash Pronoun Boner
1 year ago

@AsAboveSoBelow:

Thanks for that. I was in a horrible mood and you and Strongbad lifted my spirits!

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

@Robert, oh yes, now that AOC has hung out with a beta soyboy commulist who hasn’t even beaten Beaver Bother, she’s finished. Seriously, watching the right find new ways to lose their shit over AOC is hilarious.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
1 year ago

@Dormousing_it, @NicolaLuna

My late sister had her hood pierced, about 15 years ago. Oddly enough, she never got her ears pierced, and she refused to use tampons, only pads. . . .

This is exactly me! I don’t have periods any more but I used to only wear pads and I don’t have my ears pierced.

I’ve never had anything pierced. When I had periods I used pads. For me, tampons were too drying. When I pulled them out, they took the blood and also the vaginal fluids.

Sorry not sorry for sharing this info, manospherian lurkers. Hey, look at you — you learned something real about some women!

Gaebolga
Gaebolga
1 year ago

Moggie wrote:

Seriously, watching the right find new ways to lose their shit over AOC is hilarious.

I know, right? It’s like they actually swallowed their own bullshit about how center-right positions and policies are actually radical leftwing communism; expose them to actual progressive ideas, and they have a collective aneurism.

The entire Rethug party is deeply delusional.

Lainy
Lainy
1 year ago

Thank you those who gave me advice. I went ahead and reported it.

jy3
jy3
1 year ago

Dudes, a few things you ought to know.

1) Most porn is written by and for men, and even the female-perspective stuff doesn’t accurately describe what women want and/or enjoy.
2) Part of the appeal of the cartoon stuff is that it allows for things that would be physically impossible/horrendously uncomfortable if done with real actors.
3) When trying to get some, the person you are talking to should ideally take longer than the first few messages to guess your favorite doujin tags. Especially if said tags fall into the “physically impossible/horrendously uncomfortable” category.

FluffyGhostKitten
FluffyGhostKitten
1 year ago

He says he has a curved penis. That’s not normal for a human. What is he, a raccoon?

Pie
Pie
1 year ago

@FluffyGhostKitten
Some penes are just funny shapes. Some of them just developed that way, others are as a result of medical issues.

Gaebolga
Gaebolga
1 year ago

@FluffyGhostKitten

It may not be especially common, but it’s definitly not abnormal to have a curved penis

KG
KG
1 year ago

@FluffyGhostKitten. Probably a boar (as well as a boor, and a bore). The boar’s penis has a spiral end, which fits into a matching groove in the sow’s cervix, prompting ejaculation.

JS
JS
1 year ago

All this talk about curved penes reminded me of this quote:

“An erect harbor porpoise penis goes up to its chin—or, where its chin would be, if it were not a marine mammal,”

http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/science-sushi/2017/10/10/dolphin-penis-vagina-simulated-marine-mammal-sex/

Bina
1 year ago

@Lainy, best of luck. I hope they catch the assailant. I also hope there aren’t many more victims before they do so.

AsAboveSoBelow
AsAboveSoBelow
1 year ago

@Yutolia: You’re welcome! Strongbad always makes me laugh, especially when he reads out the emails, misspellings and all.

Skylalalalalalala
Skylalalalalalala
1 year ago

Citerior Motive
January 25, 2019 at 10:38 am
If one does get pregnant, one has a 50% chance of having a penis in one’s womb.

In my case a 400% chance – I have 4 sons. And that is definitely the only way a penis could or would get in my uterus.

FluffyGhostKitten
January 26, 2019 at 1:59 am
He says he has a curved penis. That’s not normal for a human. What is he, a raccoon?

Circumcision can result in a curved penis. One variation of this is called chordee, which can also be from things like hypospadius, but is most frequent from infant circumcision.