By David Futrelle
Last year, weirdo online pastor “Coach” Dave Daubenmire caused a bit of a stir after he warned men not to give in to the devilish temptation of masturbation, because when a man jerks himself off he’s, well, jerking off a man, and even though that man is himself, it’s still totally gay.
Turns out he’s not the only one who feels this way. One NoFap Redditor — one who has posted in detail on his own efforts to cure what he considers a fierce masturbation addiction — made a similar declaration last summer in the UnpopularOpinions subreddit, where his views did indeed turn out to be quite unpopular.
“Masturbation is gay,” announced asdasdasdasdfff44. “You’re jerking off a penis and a man is jerking you off.”
This particular Redditor — let’s just call him Asdas for short — wasn’t the first Redditor to have this thought, but while most of those who’ve posted on the subject seem to have be joking. Asdas clearly wasn’t.
He set out his arguments one by one, starting with the most anatomically difficult — but also, he thinks, the most obviously gay — example he could imagine. (His examples only apply to cis men, though presumably he thinks cis women who masturbate are gay too.)
Autofellatio. That’s sucking your own dick. Yes, it can be done and you can likely do it too with determination and flexibility training. Ask just about anyone and you will be told it’s gay as fuck, you’re literally sucking dick. They’d be correct. You probably know it’s gay as fuck too, no need to ask others.
Actually, judging from some other Reddit discussions of this particular form of self-pleasure, there doesn’t seem to be a consensus on this issue. While some Redditors think it’s “hella gay,” a larger number seem to be envious of any guy who can pull off this particular stunt, and don’t consider it gay at all. “As long as you tell yourself ‘no homo’ in the mirror beforehand you’re good to go,” joked one Redditor in a SettleThisForMe subreddit discussion. It’s only gay “if you make eye contac,” joked another.
But Asdas didn’t consider any possible objections, and quickly moved on.
“I’m thinking about a woman so it’s not gay”. You may be thinking about a woman when you’re fucking a goat too, that doesn’t mean you’re not fucking a goat. Ultimately a man is jerking you during masturbation and you’re stroking a cock.. that happens to be yours. Notice how that’s gay as fuck.
This raises so many questions. What if you’re thinking about a goat when you’re fucking a woman? What if a goat is thinking about you?
Asdas continued:
“It’s not someone else’s cock”. Ok then, grab a realistic dildo and stroke it rigorously and sensually or whatever you do when you masturbate. Yes, stroking a dick. Notice how that’s gay as fuck.
I don’t know how many guys stroke dildos when they masturbate. But guys certainly fuck a lot of inanimate objects, and I feel I could use more guidance from Asdas on this subject. What if you fuck an apple pie? Not gay, right? How about if you fuck a GAY WEDDING CAKE!?
Alas, Asdas offered no answers on any other inanimate objects beyond dildoes, and instead moved on to his final argument:
When masturbating, you get 10% the sensation of penetrating a real vagina and 100% the sensation of stroking a real penis.
Huh. I have heard rumors that there are numerous heterosexual sex acts that do not involve a penis penetrating a vagina at all. Are they all gay too?
Once again, no answers from Asdas, who wrapped up his post with a bold challenge:
If you think masturbation is not gay, you have an obligation to suck your own dick too in order to be consistent.
Asdas was stunned when a large number of the commenters informed him that they, and most other men, would be happy to do this if only they “could bend that far.”
“No,” Asdas declared, in evident horror, “most would be horribly disturbed by such an idea.”
“Are you new to the internet?” his interlocutor replied. “Or just to like, people in general?”
Good questions, both. Had Asdas done any research on the internet at all, he would learned, among other things, that many if not most men have tried to suck their own dicks, a feat only a few men are capable of pulling off, and that there’s a big subculture of dudes who not only think jerking themselves off isn’t gay, but also that jerking off next to other dudes jerking off isn’t gay either. Because sexuality is weird and complicated and people draw lines between gay and straight in all sorts of places, or don’t draw clear lines at all.
Because in the end, whether a sexual act is gay or straight, or neither, or something else entirely, is less about what goes on with the body than it is about what’s going on in the mind.
And one thing that seems abundantly clear is that what’s going on in Asdas’ mind when it comes to sex isn’t really doing him or anyone else much good. Homophobia and toxic masculinity are two terrible tates that taste worse together.
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“He’s a jerk that shows up where he isn’t wanted and has little to no respect for other’s feelings or personal preferences. He does things because he can even though it’s a dickish thing to do and doesn’t add that much to the situation.”
I could certainly understand your reaction if he were crashing weddings or invitation-only parties. I you happen to run into him at the supermarket, however, that’s a different story. Just because you wish he weren’t there doesn’t mean he has no right to be there.
Are the “personal preferences” to which you refer your preference that I were not here? If so, sorry, see supra.
Whether or not I “add” anything here is strictly a matter of “personal preferences”. And, since this is Mr. Futrelle’s blog, his “personal preferences” are the only ones that count for anything. If he asks me to leave, I will comply.
Be that as it may, is there something wrong with my initial post to this thread?
The entire commentariate feels you don’t add anything. It’s our personal preference that you leave.
It’s our personal preference that you leave.
Duly noted.
Sorry for double posting, but my reply isn’t showing up yet to edit.
This is the very definition of sea lioning.
http://wondermark.com/c/2014-09-19-1062sea.png
“This is the very definition of sea lioning.”
Ah, no.
But thank you for playing.
@Ambrose
more as in interrupting phone calls and closing computers during video calls because my fiancé wasn’t listening to him. Loudly talking to my fiancé about the point of marriage being something women only want in order to get their benefits. He very loudly disrespects me when I’m the phone in such a way just because my fiancé can’t punch him, because asshole roommate is a higher rank then him.
Yes my personal preferences is that you would not be here because you have shown yourself to be rude and insulting to others. Not caring about their feelings when doing so just because you can. That is unproductive, rude, and makes for a stressful environment. You act as if this is your space alone and therefore you should do whatever you like in it as long as the sergeant doesn’t come down on you. Which like I said, is a really dickish thing to do.
Im preeeeety sure ambrose is a sock. His style and his “off to bed ” schtick reminds me of another troll. Even his nuh uh you cant make me whiny, non block quoting douche ways are so familiar.
Damn we need a database of trolls.
Im gonna ignore troll but if yall tire of him dont be afraid to speak up or contact David (dont be afraid newbies!).
I’ve noticed a pattern of trolls deliberately refusing to format posts or use the quote feature; presumably for the inconvenience it causes. I don’t know if this is coincidence, or a signature.
It’s a pretty big tell. My number one clue is when they refuse to adapt after being asked to make their posts easier to read. That refusal to accommodate is sort of a troll hallmark, in my opinion. Suggests a baseline lack of respect for other people.
TROLL CHALLENGE
USE THE BLOCKQUOTES FUNCTION
This is the best thing I’ve read all day.
I’m in favor of these idiots not masturbating. It pleases me to ponder that they aren’t getting any pleasure out of life, and feel deeply ashamed when they do.
I mean, maybe they’d realize that having a joyless life isn’t rewarding and do a whole lot of self-examination, eventually leading them to abandon the manosphere cause entirely.
If that could only happen, it would be a very good day for all of us.
I don’t know how to do the block quote.
It’s a tell that I’m a Luddite
You’ve been told many times, you just ignore it. And the little button at the top of the comment field labeled ‘quote’. Asshole.
I thought there was some kind of link or welcome package that gave a tutorial on the comment board…….Did i just pull that out of my ass??
First of all, take a look at the ground files concerning insults. You are very rude.
Secondlmy, I have not been told many times. You must havemistaken me for someone else.
And thirdly, when I press the quote button, all it says is “block quote” in the reply field. I don’t know how to specify a outer
@cornychips
Nope, that exists! It’s under “Mammothy Fun”
https://artistryforfeminismandkittens.wordpress.com/the-official-man-boobz-complimentary-welcome-package/
So what if an nb person masturbates ?
Inquiring minds want to know.
I’m ignoring the troll tho, ew.
(Hi I’m sorta back, had laptop issues a while back and have been struggling to catch up recently)
@kupo. Thanks
@kupo
Thanks!! I looked everywhere for that link, everywhere but the lower side bar hahah
there are three ways to blockquote:
1) Press the “quote button”. This will make a blockquote tag appear wherever the cursor is. Then you can write/paste your text, and press the button again. This will make the closing tag appear. Just make sure they frame either side of the bit you’re quoting.
2) Paste/write the text, select that text with your cursor, and then press the quote button with the text selected. This will make the blockquote tags appear on either side of the selected text.
3) You can just write the blockquote tags in manually, like this:
<blockquote> YOUR TEXT HERE </blockquote>
In what way is rejecting your basic physical needs a good thing? They’re basic physical needs. (I would argue that sex doesn’t fall under basic physical needs but that’s neither here nor there.) Food and water and sleep are things that your body literally needs to sustain itself. Abstaining from them is about as admirable as abstaining from breathing.
People have the right to do as they please with their bodies, and if someone doesn’t want to masturbate, that’s their choice. We aren’t mocking that choice; we’re mocking the homophobic, misogynistic, repressive, and assholeish rhetoric espoused by the no-fap movement.
My experience with the “nofap” movement is that it’s decent on the surface and horrid beneath.
Good surface: I agree that self control is a good thing in the general sense. Not that masturbation is bad (it’s good for you), but you should be free to choose when and how you do it, just like anything.
Bad beneath: that’s not what it’s about. It’s about rejecting masturbation, claiming that masturbation weakens ones self. Almost entirely men. The subsurface is a gross stew of purity culture and masculine posturing, full of “women are trying to take our liquid gold” and all sorts of other misogynistic nonsense.
And before you argue against that – I’ve seen their memes, the things they joke about. Yeah, it’s misogyny. Sorry.
AH! Useful! Thank you!
Lord above, he comes again
Will this become a pattern?
Can never seem to get a clue
All jumbled in his cavern
Keeping consciousness far out
In the rings of Saturn
Desperate Ambrose,
Look here, don’t ya knock!
We’ve led you to the conclusion
With breadcrumbs in a basket
It’s sitting there for all to see
Yet you decline to grasp it
Is it a hobby, wasting our time
Just come out and ask it!
Will Desperate Ambrose
prove himself a sock?
I could say the same thing about any number of posters here.
Not quite sure what this is supposed to mean. At any rate, since I’ve been roundly mocked about my “feels”, I’m not sure why I am being singled out for your censure.
Agreed. As I’ve said before, I’m civil to those who are civil to me.
I don’t think I’ve ever upbraided anyone for coming into “my house” uninvited, unlike any number of other posters have done to me.
If dick moves were exclusive to me, you would have a valid point. A look back will show that they are not, at least if the rule-book is being interpreted consistently.
Thank you for expressing your concerns in a cogent manner. I will take them under advisement; and, in the meantime, we will see how things shake out.