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'bating creepy homophobia penises reddit self-hatred toxic masculinity

“Masturbation is gay” because you’re jerking off a guy, weirdo Reddit NoFapper warns other men

Playing with yourself: Gay or not?

By David Futrelle

Last year, weirdo online pastor “Coach” Dave Daubenmire caused a bit of a stir after he warned men not to give in to the devilish temptation of masturbation, because when a man jerks himself off he’s, well, jerking off a man, and even though that man is himself, it’s still totally gay.

Turns out he’s not the only one who feels this way. One NoFap Redditor — one who has posted in detail on his own efforts to cure what he considers a fierce masturbation addiction — made a similar declaration last summer in the UnpopularOpinions subreddit, where his views did indeed turn out to be quite unpopular.

“Masturbation is gay,” announced asdasdasdasdfff44. “You’re jerking off a penis and a man is jerking you off.”

This particular Redditor — let’s just call him Asdas for short — wasn’t the first Redditor to have this thought, but while most of those who’ve posted on the subject seem to have be joking. Asdas clearly wasn’t.

He set out his arguments one by one, starting with the most anatomically difficult — but also, he thinks, the most obviously gay — example he could imagine. (His examples only apply to cis men, though presumably he thinks cis women who masturbate are gay too.)

Autofellatio. That’s sucking your own dick. Yes, it can be done and you can likely do it too with determination and flexibility training. Ask just about anyone and you will be told it’s gay as fuck, you’re literally sucking dick. They’d be correct. You probably know it’s gay as fuck too, no need to ask others.

Actually, judging from some other Reddit discussions of this particular form of self-pleasure, there doesn’t seem to be a consensus on this issue. While some Redditors think it’s “hella gay,” a larger number seem to be envious of any guy who can pull off this particular stunt, and don’t consider it gay at all. “As long as you tell yourself ‘no homo’ in the mirror beforehand you’re good to go,” joked one Redditor in a SettleThisForMe subreddit discussion. It’s only gay “if you make eye contac,” joked another.

But Asdas didn’t consider any possible objections, and quickly moved on.

“I’m thinking about a woman so it’s not gay”. You may be thinking about a woman when you’re fucking a goat too, that doesn’t mean you’re not fucking a goat. Ultimately a man is jerking you during masturbation and you’re stroking a cock.. that happens to be yours. Notice how that’s gay as fuck.

This raises so many questions. What if you’re thinking about a goat when you’re fucking a woman? What if a goat is thinking about you?

Asdas continued:

“It’s not someone else’s cock”. Ok then, grab a realistic dildo and stroke it rigorously and sensually or whatever you do when you masturbate. Yes, stroking a dick. Notice how that’s gay as fuck.

I don’t know how many guys stroke dildos when they masturbate. But guys certainly fuck a lot of inanimate objects, and I feel I could use more guidance from Asdas on this subject. What if you fuck an apple pie? Not gay, right? How about if you fuck a GAY WEDDING CAKE!?

Alas, Asdas offered no answers on any other inanimate objects beyond dildoes, and instead moved on to his final argument:

When masturbating, you get 10% the sensation of penetrating a real vagina and 100% the sensation of stroking a real penis.

Huh. I have heard rumors that there are numerous heterosexual sex acts that do not involve a penis penetrating a vagina at all. Are they all gay too?

Once again, no answers from Asdas, who wrapped up his post with a bold challenge:

If you think masturbation is not gay, you have an obligation to suck your own dick too in order to be consistent.

Asdas was stunned when a large number of the commenters informed him that they, and most other men, would be happy to do this if only they “could bend that far.”

“No,” Asdas declared, in evident horror, “most would be horribly disturbed by such an idea.”

“Are you new to the internet?” his interlocutor replied. “Or just to like, people in general?”

Good questions, both. Had Asdas done any research on the internet at all, he would learned, among other things, that many if not most men have tried to suck their own dicks, a feat only a few men are capable of pulling off, and that there’s a big subculture of dudes who not only think jerking themselves off isn’t gay, but also that jerking off next to other dudes jerking off isn’t gay either. Because sexuality is weird and complicated and people draw lines between gay and straight in all sorts of places, or don’t draw clear lines at all.

Because in the end, whether a sexual act is gay or straight, or neither, or something else entirely, is less about what goes on with the body than it is about what’s going on in the mind.

And one thing that seems abundantly clear is that what’s going on in Asdas’ mind when it comes to sex isn’t really doing him or anyone else much good. Homophobia and toxic masculinity are two terrible tates that taste worse together.

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Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

Lord above, he comes again
Will this become a pattern?
Can never seem to get a clue
All jumbled in his cavern
Keeping consciousness far out
In the rings of Saturn
Desperate Ambrose,
Look here, don’t ya knock!
We’ve led you to the conclusion
With breadcrumbs in a basket
It’s sitting there for all to see
Yet you decline to grasp it
Is it a hobby, wasting our time
Just come out and ask it!
Will Desperate Ambrose
prove himself a sock?

Nicely phrased. Lacking in factual accuracy, but artistic nonetheless.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
2 years ago

Well, tell me, honey, am I wrong?
It fits the information!
It’s gleaned from the overripe fruits
Of your communication!
Ship it expedited
Your brain as the destination
Desperate Ambrose,
squarer than a block!

Your double-posting tries at roasting
All those here before you
It really, honestly, just makes us
All the more deplore you
Pretending you’ve still got a disguise
Well, we’ve long since seen through
Oh, Desperate Ambrose,
your act ain’t on lock!

calmdown
calmdown
2 years ago

I understand the appeal of “Nofap” as it applies to those who feel they are “addicted” to masturbation, or felt it was interfering with their lives. I believe some people on there may have a genuine issue that may need to be addressed. I even considered this philosophy for myself at one time, because I was focused on one Celebrity and had developed an unhealthy fixation. However, there seemed little to no female presence on the reddit boards so I just didn’t feel comfortable talking to men who I was sure would tell me I did’t have a real problem. When I tried to contact “Female Nofap” (invite only) I received no response. Not to mention all the icky misogyny stuff that’s already been mentioned. Many misogynists do have real problems but instead of fixing have decided to wholly blame and hate women for them. It’s no excuse.

Pretty Pink Punnani Princess
Pretty Pink Punnani Princess
2 years ago

@ Red Lion

No “brain exploding here.

Just laughing at how absurd everything you just said sounded. XD

You guys are so touchy about this it may as well make brains explode. XD

Specialffrog
Specialffrog
2 years ago

Anyone else reminded of the Kids in the Hall sketch about the group for people who are “Not going to be subject to the tyranny of [their] bladders”?

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

Well, tell me, honey, am I wrong?
It fits the information!
It’s gleaned from the overripe fruits
Of your communication!
Ship it expedited
Your brain as the destination
Desperate Ambrose,
squarer than a block!
Your double-posting tries at roasting
All those here before you
It really, honestly, just makes us
All the more deplore you
Pretending you’ve still got a disguise
Well, we’ve long since seen through
Oh, Desperate Ambrose,
your act ain’t on lock!

Now you’re trying too hard. You sound like Hallmark card. Full marks for effort, though.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Don’t you have a totally real wife you could be spending your evenings with instead of us?

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
2 years ago

Don’t you have a totally real wife you could be spending your evenings with instead of us?

Maybe she has a puncture.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
2 years ago

Yea, verily, all unto me
Deliver your indiction
You’ve claimed that I’m so uninspired
Yet you claimed I’m a fiction
Seems the key to solopsism’s
Firm in the ignition
Dear Desperate Ambrose,
you’re a speeding clock!

As long as you swagger around,
your arrogance unending
I’ll write until I fall to sleep
Or someone gets to bending
And until the WordPress mammoth
Goes to prevent me from sending
To Desperate Ambrose
words I use to mock!

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

Yup. She’s sitting right here, even as we type.

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

indiction noun
in·​dic·​tion | \ in-ˈdik-shən \
Definition of indiction
: a 15-year cycle used as a chronological unit in several ancient and medieval systems

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/indiction

??????????????????????????????

Lainy
Lainy
2 years ago

@Ambrose

Turn off your device and spend time with her. I’m sure she’s much more important and wants your company more then we do.

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

Lainy ~ Allow me to point out that, while I never questioned the reality of your fiancé, our fellow poster, Hippodameia, has not accorded me that courtesy with respect to my wife.

Just sayin’. . . .

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
2 years ago

First of all, it’s “they,” not “she”
Strange you took that for granted
Second off, confirmed, ‘indict’
Was the root of the word planted
And the dictionary’s descriptive
Not prescriptive, so I’ve supplanted
What Desperate Ambrose
leans on like a rock

If you can bend reality
Then I can too, ain’t that fun?
Would you dare believe me
If I said I could eat the sun?
Would your wife be proud of her husband
And your mom proud of her son
Called Desperate Ambrose–
or would his prose shock?

Lainy
Lainy
2 years ago

@ Ambrose

Yes, please note I have not made any comment about your wife’s reality. I don’t approve of those kind of jokes about SO being real or not. I’ve seen very horrible people be in relationships so I don’t think those jokes make since. I have seen you in previous threads state that fellow commenters are not real so I don’t think you have a leg to stand on for that. While I cannot spend time with my Fiancé like I would love to right now, you have the option to spend time with your wife. I would take it.

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

First of all, it’s “they,” not “she”

Are you referring to my wife? If so, I will be happy to ask which pronoun they/she prefers.

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

Troubelle ~ I am flattered that you are willing to expend the time and energy penning your doggerel on my behalf.

Re: indiction ~ “When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less.” ~ Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
2 years ago

Things that can be punctured are real.

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

I have seen you in previous threads state that fellow commenters are not real so I don’t think you have a leg to stand on for that.

Not quite sure what that’s s’posed to mean, but I stand by my assertion. Lainy is no more real than Desperate Ambrose. We are composed of zeros and ones, in various combinations.

When I rise from my keyboard, Desperate Ambrose ceases to exist. As does Lainy, as does Troubelle, &c.

Lainy
Lainy
2 years ago

@ Ambrose
buddy, pal, ol boy, Lewis Carroll was a very questionable man who wrote both Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass for a very really little girl name Alice. Whom he had a questionable relationship with. It was a book full of inside jokes and nonsense that he himself didn’t have answers for. Like there is no answer to the riddle why is a raven like a writing desk. I really wouldn’t use a quote from him in the future.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
2 years ago

Well goodness gracious, pardon me,
It’s true that I misread you
Thought you were calling my omnipresence
And not the hand that fed you
The fact remains that it’s quite strange
How you invoked she that beds you
Oh, Desperate Ambrose,
we’ve just traded stock!

That’s a Smash reference, by the by
No need to look too deeply
Nevertheless, you may be fun,
but let’s not make this weekly
Can’t read the room? And just assume
“Bad actors tend to seek me?”
Dear Desperate Ambrose,
throw away the sock!

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

While I cannot spend time with my Fiancé like I would love to right now, you have the option to spend time with your wife. I would take it.

While I am asking them/her about pronouns, I will ask if they/she would like to take you up on your offer to spend time with them/her.

Lainy
Lainy
2 years ago

@ Ambrose
Lainy is my real name. Lain if your my fiancé or friend.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
2 years ago

Not only am I writing songs,
but making documentation!
A simple verse with different words
Recorded on location
A summary of what we see
Regarding your vocation
Re: Desperate Ambrose,
onwards I will talk!

It’s clear to those you’ve been a thorn
So firmly in the side of
But I can read the room here
And verdict is, you’re not loved
If the troll’s shoes fit, wear ’em
And by God, they fit like a glove!
Desperate Ambrose,
why be such a cock?

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
2 years ago

OT: this is what happens when you piss off a large group of accountants:

The Trump administration last week ordered at least 30,000 IRS workers back to their offices, where they have been working to process refunds without pay. It was one of the biggest steps the government has taken to mitigate the shutdown’s impact on Americans’ lives.

But IRS employees across the country — some in coordinated protest, others out of financial necessity — won’t be clocking in, according to Tony Reardon, president of the National Treasury Employees Union, and several local union officials. The work action is widespread and includes employees from a processing center in Ogden, Utah, to the Brookhaven campus on New York’s Long Island.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/economy/hundreds-of-irs-employees-are-skipping-work-that-could-delay-tax-refunds/2019/01/22/1885e74e-1e7d-11e9-8e21-59a09ff1e2a1_story.html?utm_term=.ebdacb53c530

Viscaria
Viscaria
2 years ago

@Ambrose: Is there a dictionary entry that will adequately explain why you’re still coming here and, if so, could you direct me to it?

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
2 years ago

Sorry, the first part was supposed to be the blockquote, not the link.

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

Lainy ~ buddy, pal, ol — thing(?), I am quite aware of the questions regarding Carroll/Dodgson. If you are aware of any unsavory answers, I would be interested in seeing the sources of those answers.

In the meantime, I will make such literary references as seem to fit the circumstances.

Lainy
Lainy
2 years ago

@ Ambrose
All I’m saying, dude gives me the creeps and if you want to quote someone with that much of a creepy background go right ahead. People just going to judge you for it.

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

you’re not loved

And this is news to whom?

The relevant issue is whether I care.

I don’t.

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
2 years ago

@Ambrose: Is there a dictionary entry that will adequately explain why you’re still coming here and, if so, could you direct me to it?

Now that’s a hard question for DumbAss! He couldn’t even provide a definition of toxic masculinity – I think he finds dictionaries hard to use.

cornychips
cornychips
2 years ago

@viscaria

Hes like that douchebag with his face a half inch away from yours daying “im not touching you, be civil, im not touching you, screeeching harpy coven.”

@troubelle

You got yourself another fangirl

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

Lainy ~ Troubelle and I were bandying words, and the quote seemed apt. Please be assured that it was not posted for the purpose of vexing you.

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
2 years ago

And this is news to whom?

The relevant issue is whether I care.

I don’t.

Yep, that’s why you’re here, not caring at us soooooo hard.

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

@Ambrose: Is there a dictionary entry that will adequately explain why you’re still coming here and, if so, could you direct me to it?

mas·och·ism /ˈmasəˌkizəm,ˈmazəˌkizəm/ noun
noun: masochism
(in general use) the enjoyment of what appears to be painful or tiresome.

: – D

Lainy
Lainy
2 years ago

@ Ambrose I was raised to respect my elders. You make it difficult.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
2 years ago

Boy, oh, boy, ain’t that a joy,
The battle of who could care less
Simply locking yourself in
As someone rather witless
Curious that you assume
You’re causing us real distress
Desperate Ambrose, don’t you
make me call the doc!

Mockery to melody
Instilled in formation
Smoothly slipped onto the server
For your satiation
If you don’t care so much, then why
Repeat the information?
Desperate Ambrose,
with naught more to hock!

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

Yep, that’s why you’re here, not caring at us soooooo hard.

Your point being. . . ?

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
2 years ago

@Desperate Asshat:

Lainy ~ Allow me to point out that, while I never questioned the reality of your fiancé, our fellow poster, Hippodameia, has not accorded me that courtesy with respect to my wife.

But on a previous occasion:

None of you are real.

(directed at the whole commentariat here, Lainy included)

How ironic.

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

@ Ambrose I was raised to respect my elders. You make it difficult.

I hold absolutely no animus toward you; so, aside from removing myself from this board, which I don’t see happening in the near future, I can’t imagine what I can do to alleviate your animus toward me.

Sorry.

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

How ironic.

How so?

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
2 years ago

Don’t care harder, dumbass. You’re really very convincing.

Lainy
Lainy
2 years ago

I hold absolutely no animus toward you; so, aside from removing myself from this board, which I don’t see happening in the near future, I can’t imagine what I can do to alleviate your animus toward me.
Sorry.

Talking like a person instead of a manual for setting up my grandfather stereo would be a good start. Seriously buddy you used the word Vexing a few comments ago. I need an ibuprofen at this point.

cornychips
cornychips
2 years ago

HOLY SHIT IS THIS STEELE, THE VILE STEELE!?!?!?! ahahaha that would be hilarious

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
2 years ago

The point being, right here in time,
That your nickname holds true
Desperate you are, you don’t get far
When demanding your due
For we all know and we’ve long learned
That we just want you through
Hope Desperate Ambrose
doesn’t run amok.

But really, would that give us much?
If it’s a consolation
I’m sure that you sticking the flounce
Is cause for celebration
Swollen with self-importance
And filled with indignation
Oh Desperate Ambrose,
color none of us shocked.

kupo
kupo
2 years ago

@Desperate Ambrose
It’s bad form to impose your kinks on others (without prior arrangements, of course).

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

Talking like a person instead of a manual for setting up my grandfather stereo would be a good start.

Once again, you’ll have to pardon my obtuseness. I’ve read more than my share of cryptic instruction manuals in my time. Is my writing really that difficult to understand?

Seriously buddy you used the word Vexing a few comments ago.

Yes, I did. It really is a word.

I need an ibuprofen at this point.

That stuff’s bad for your stomach.

Mabret (née Laugher at Bigots)
Mabret (née Laugher at Bigots)
2 years ago

I want to play! I have homework to avoid doing!

Hey, Desperate Ambrose! Jordan Peterson is a mountebank! I have all the best words! I can be needlessly prolix also! In fact, I enjoy being needlessly prolix! I am a woman who appreciates the subtle art of the prodigious vocabulary!!

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

Hey, Desperate Ambrose! Jordan Peterson is a mountebank!

From what I’ve read about/by him, “mountebank” is far too charitable a description.

Desperate Ambrose
Desperate Ambrose
2 years ago

It’s bad form to impose your kinks on others (without prior arrangements, of course).

The difference between fetish and felony is checking beforehand.