By David Futrelle
Last year, weirdo online pastor “Coach” Dave Daubenmire caused a bit of a stir after he warned men not to give in to the devilish temptation of masturbation, because when a man jerks himself off he’s, well, jerking off a man, and even though that man is himself, it’s still totally gay.
Turns out he’s not the only one who feels this way. One NoFap Redditor — one who has posted in detail on his own efforts to cure what he considers a fierce masturbation addiction — made a similar declaration last summer in the UnpopularOpinions subreddit, where his views did indeed turn out to be quite unpopular.
“Masturbation is gay,” announced asdasdasdasdfff44. “You’re jerking off a penis and a man is jerking you off.”
This particular Redditor — let’s just call him Asdas for short — wasn’t the first Redditor to have this thought, but while most of those who’ve posted on the subject seem to have be joking. Asdas clearly wasn’t.
He set out his arguments one by one, starting with the most anatomically difficult — but also, he thinks, the most obviously gay — example he could imagine. (His examples only apply to cis men, though presumably he thinks cis women who masturbate are gay too.)
Autofellatio. That’s sucking your own dick. Yes, it can be done and you can likely do it too with determination and flexibility training. Ask just about anyone and you will be told it’s gay as fuck, you’re literally sucking dick. They’d be correct. You probably know it’s gay as fuck too, no need to ask others.
Actually, judging from some other Reddit discussions of this particular form of self-pleasure, there doesn’t seem to be a consensus on this issue. While some Redditors think it’s “hella gay,” a larger number seem to be envious of any guy who can pull off this particular stunt, and don’t consider it gay at all. “As long as you tell yourself ‘no homo’ in the mirror beforehand you’re good to go,” joked one Redditor in a SettleThisForMe subreddit discussion. It’s only gay “if you make eye contac,” joked another.
But Asdas didn’t consider any possible objections, and quickly moved on.
“I’m thinking about a woman so it’s not gay”. You may be thinking about a woman when you’re fucking a goat too, that doesn’t mean you’re not fucking a goat. Ultimately a man is jerking you during masturbation and you’re stroking a cock.. that happens to be yours. Notice how that’s gay as fuck.
This raises so many questions. What if you’re thinking about a goat when you’re fucking a woman? What if a goat is thinking about you?
Asdas continued:
“It’s not someone else’s cock”. Ok then, grab a realistic dildo and stroke it rigorously and sensually or whatever you do when you masturbate. Yes, stroking a dick. Notice how that’s gay as fuck.
I don’t know how many guys stroke dildos when they masturbate. But guys certainly fuck a lot of inanimate objects, and I feel I could use more guidance from Asdas on this subject. What if you fuck an apple pie? Not gay, right? How about if you fuck a GAY WEDDING CAKE!?
Alas, Asdas offered no answers on any other inanimate objects beyond dildoes, and instead moved on to his final argument:
When masturbating, you get 10% the sensation of penetrating a real vagina and 100% the sensation of stroking a real penis.
Huh. I have heard rumors that there are numerous heterosexual sex acts that do not involve a penis penetrating a vagina at all. Are they all gay too?
Once again, no answers from Asdas, who wrapped up his post with a bold challenge:
If you think masturbation is not gay, you have an obligation to suck your own dick too in order to be consistent.
Asdas was stunned when a large number of the commenters informed him that they, and most other men, would be happy to do this if only they “could bend that far.”
“No,” Asdas declared, in evident horror, “most would be horribly disturbed by such an idea.”
“Are you new to the internet?” his interlocutor replied. “Or just to like, people in general?”
Good questions, both. Had Asdas done any research on the internet at all, he would learned, among other things, that many if not most men have tried to suck their own dicks, a feat only a few men are capable of pulling off, and that there’s a big subculture of dudes who not only think jerking themselves off isn’t gay, but also that jerking off next to other dudes jerking off isn’t gay either. Because sexuality is weird and complicated and people draw lines between gay and straight in all sorts of places, or don’t draw clear lines at all.
Because in the end, whether a sexual act is gay or straight, or neither, or something else entirely, is less about what goes on with the body than it is about what’s going on in the mind.
And one thing that seems abundantly clear is that what’s going on in Asdas’ mind when it comes to sex isn’t really doing him or anyone else much good. Homophobia and toxic masculinity are two terrible tates that taste worse together.
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Masturbation is gay!
The death penalty for masturbation!
Sorry, Landover, but satire, parody, and lampoonery are dead.
@ Pretty Pink Punnani Princess
January 22, 2019 at 5:56 am
So yes, logically homophobic people are more likely to over-react to having secret same sex attractions. But even IF this was the case here, “having same sex attractions” =/= “being in the closet”. For one, a lot of these people having same sex attractions are prolly straight, because the human brain is weird like that.
I’ll leave your brain to EXPLODE at that tidbit of info.
On autofellatio:
I think that’s actually kinda clever? Maybe I’m just amused by the mental image of someone attempting autofellatio and accidentally poking themselves in the eye with the one-eyed snake.
I attempted autofellatio once. I didn’t succeed (and didn’t expect to), but it still felt awesome in a combination of being silly, sensual and shameless. Unfortunately, I’m afraid to do it again because I live alone and might hurt my back.
@Moggie !
I don’t understand why there’s such a push against no-fap, even as a base concept. Surely, we can all agree that self control and the ability to consciously reject basic physical needs – like hunger, fatigue, thirst, or in this case, sexual urges – is a good thing, right? On top of that, pornography is inherently oppressive – it makes sex a performance, abuses vulnerable people into becoming performers, and makes those who peddle it extremely wealthy. Stoicism, and rejection of exploitative practices, is something that should be celebrated.
The late Bill Hicks on autofellatio:
(Warning: the start of this sketch is pretty misogynistic & skirts the line of consent– this was the 90s & Hicks was Edgelord di Tutti Edgelordi– but I think I’ve rigged the embed to skip that part)
(ETA: OK, so you can either embed the YouTube clip and have it play from the start or insert a YouTube link with an offset but it won’t be an embedded player. I’m opting for the latter)
“Why do dogs lick their balls””
“Because they CAN!!”
George Carlin
Waitaminnit, when I was in high school, I drove a Rambler (a 1966 Classic 4-door!) All the guys said my car sucked… I thought THAT was “autofellatio”….
I’ll see myself out….
Argh! That’s the second time that’s happened, where I’ve linked to a YouTube video and it has appeared not to embed only for it to magically turn into an embedded player after refreshing the page! Also, it’s not honoring the offset part of the URL. The funny part of the sketch is from around 2:45 onwards, the first part is just nasty 90s edgelord comedy.
And, lest we forget:
“…Masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.“ ~ Mark Driscoll, “Porn-Again Christian: a Frank Discussion on Pornography and Masturbation”
“[A] larger number seem to be envious of any guy who can pull off this particular stunt. . . .” Heh, you said “pull off”!
“What if you fuck an apple pie?” If it’s one of those hot kind you get at Mickey-D’s, DAMN!
cw: sexism
…
that’s like the old joke, “Any fool can chug a beer, but it takes a MAN to chug a cup of steaming coffee…”
@Desperate Ambrose
Do fuck off.
I heard that as long as your balls don’t touch, it’s not gay. Not sure how that works on a solo basis, though. Still, it can’t hurt to tape up your balls.
I mean, depending on the type of tape. Let’s be careful out there, people.
@”Coach” *sigh* x100000000000000000
Really, I’ve got nothing.
Pretty Pink Punnani Princess,
Let’s not speculate on anyone’s sexual orientation; it’s really not constructive.
If you have sex with a woman, part of her was once sperm inside of a man. So men who have sex with women are hella gay.
I wonder what this guy thinks about women who masturbate. Especially since that’s my whole sex life right now.
@ Ambrose. You remind me of my Fiancé roommate. trust me, you do not want to act like my Fiancé’s roommate.
@David
Thank you.
@AtenRa:
When you put it like that, you’re also having sex with all her ancestors, right back to the primordial ooze. So it’s also bestiality. And probably necrophilia too. Things would be a whole lot more wholesome if you joined my Church of Binary Fission. Amoeba Jesus Divided For Your Sins! I have some improving tracts right here…
Tabby Lavalamp… is that real? The landoverbaptist.net? I’m kinda horrified
“@ Ambrose. You remind me of my Fiancé roommate. trust me, you do not want to act like my Fiancé’s roommate.”
Why is that?
@Ambrose
He’s a jerk that shows up where he isn’t wanted and has little to no respect for other’s feelings or personal preferences. He does things because he can even though it’s a dickish thing to do and doesn’t add that much to the situation.
@Cat Mara:
I wanted to join their monastic order, but sadly their monastery had only one cell.
@Clyde
Ummmmmm… no? You’re not talking about avoiding any of this in excess, you’re talking about it being a good thing to consciously reject basic physical needs, and no, it’s not a good thing to go around denying yourself food, sleep, or water.
@Moggie:
D’oh, that’s terrible! You’re lucky we don’t practice self-flagellelum-ation! ?