By David Futrelle
Last year, weirdo online pastor “Coach” Dave Daubenmire caused a bit of a stir after he warned men not to give in to the devilish temptation of masturbation, because when a man jerks himself off he’s, well, jerking off a man, and even though that man is himself, it’s still totally gay.
Turns out he’s not the only one who feels this way. One NoFap Redditor — one who has posted in detail on his own efforts to cure what he considers a fierce masturbation addiction — made a similar declaration last summer in the UnpopularOpinions subreddit, where his views did indeed turn out to be quite unpopular.
“Masturbation is gay,” announced asdasdasdasdfff44. “You’re jerking off a penis and a man is jerking you off.”
This particular Redditor — let’s just call him Asdas for short — wasn’t the first Redditor to have this thought, but while most of those who’ve posted on the subject seem to have be joking. Asdas clearly wasn’t.
He set out his arguments one by one, starting with the most anatomically difficult — but also, he thinks, the most obviously gay — example he could imagine. (His examples only apply to cis men, though presumably he thinks cis women who masturbate are gay too.)
Autofellatio. That’s sucking your own dick. Yes, it can be done and you can likely do it too with determination and flexibility training. Ask just about anyone and you will be told it’s gay as fuck, you’re literally sucking dick. They’d be correct. You probably know it’s gay as fuck too, no need to ask others.
Actually, judging from some other Reddit discussions of this particular form of self-pleasure, there doesn’t seem to be a consensus on this issue. While some Redditors think it’s “hella gay,” a larger number seem to be envious of any guy who can pull off this particular stunt, and don’t consider it gay at all. “As long as you tell yourself ‘no homo’ in the mirror beforehand you’re good to go,” joked one Redditor in a SettleThisForMe subreddit discussion. It’s only gay “if you make eye contac,” joked another.
But Asdas didn’t consider any possible objections, and quickly moved on.
“I’m thinking about a woman so it’s not gay”. You may be thinking about a woman when you’re fucking a goat too, that doesn’t mean you’re not fucking a goat. Ultimately a man is jerking you during masturbation and you’re stroking a cock.. that happens to be yours. Notice how that’s gay as fuck.
This raises so many questions. What if you’re thinking about a goat when you’re fucking a woman? What if a goat is thinking about you?
Asdas continued:
“It’s not someone else’s cock”. Ok then, grab a realistic dildo and stroke it rigorously and sensually or whatever you do when you masturbate. Yes, stroking a dick. Notice how that’s gay as fuck.
I don’t know how many guys stroke dildos when they masturbate. But guys certainly fuck a lot of inanimate objects, and I feel I could use more guidance from Asdas on this subject. What if you fuck an apple pie? Not gay, right? How about if you fuck a GAY WEDDING CAKE!?
Alas, Asdas offered no answers on any other inanimate objects beyond dildoes, and instead moved on to his final argument:
When masturbating, you get 10% the sensation of penetrating a real vagina and 100% the sensation of stroking a real penis.
Huh. I have heard rumors that there are numerous heterosexual sex acts that do not involve a penis penetrating a vagina at all. Are they all gay too?
Once again, no answers from Asdas, who wrapped up his post with a bold challenge:
If you think masturbation is not gay, you have an obligation to suck your own dick too in order to be consistent.
Asdas was stunned when a large number of the commenters informed him that they, and most other men, would be happy to do this if only they “could bend that far.”
“No,” Asdas declared, in evident horror, “most would be horribly disturbed by such an idea.”
“Are you new to the internet?” his interlocutor replied. “Or just to like, people in general?”
Good questions, both. Had Asdas done any research on the internet at all, he would learned, among other things, that many if not most men have tried to suck their own dicks, a feat only a few men are capable of pulling off, and that there’s a big subculture of dudes who not only think jerking themselves off isn’t gay, but also that jerking off next to other dudes jerking off isn’t gay either. Because sexuality is weird and complicated and people draw lines between gay and straight in all sorts of places, or don’t draw clear lines at all.
Because in the end, whether a sexual act is gay or straight, or neither, or something else entirely, is less about what goes on with the body than it is about what’s going on in the mind.
And one thing that seems abundantly clear is that what’s going on in Asdas’ mind when it comes to sex isn’t really doing him or anyone else much good. Homophobia and toxic masculinity are two terrible tates that taste worse together.
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I want to know what his source is for the statistic that “when masturbating, you get 10% the sensation of penetrating a real vagina.” I’d say that this sounds like a number he’s just pulled out of his arse, but he probably imagines even figuratively touching his own anus to be “gay as fuck”.
@Alexisagirlsname
Wiping isn’t just feminist oppression, it is in fact an evil globalist plot to trick men in to being gay.
@ Brian
That “Notice how that’s gay as fuck” line sounds like a homophobic version of an Attenborough narration.
This guy’s gonna go ballistic when he figures out he’s Homo sapiens.
@Pie
Just calling it as I see it, Poo Pie.
Sometimes you just get these cases. Just because you saw one too many jokes along these lines doesn’t mean you have to plunge into my ass. :p
@Pretty Pink Punnani Princess
This is because you are part of the problem. It’d be great if you cut that shit out.
What are you, 13?
For guys who obsess over the gay/notgay thing, there is only one clear solution. Many languages have gramatical gender, they need to create a language that includes not only gender but preference. All nouns would be masculineb feminine, or neuter. All verbs would be gay, straight, or by. It would be like the fragile male ego version of Esperanto.
Ooh, an obligation ? And who is going to enforce it ? Would it be some kind of conspiration, a “PSYOP” (Police ‘Suck Your Own Penis’) ?
Are you sure you ever try each one ? I mean, not in your wet dreams for the first. And as Meteor says, that makes 110%, but whatever… I suppose that asking you to suck a math book to be consistent is out of question… Or maybe you imply that in the 100% of the stroking a real penis, 10% of it is the sensation of penetrating a real vagina ? Quid for the 90% remaining ? I suggest 10% the sensation of penetrating a real anus, 10% the sensation of penetrating a sponge, 10% the sensation of penetrating a wool socket, 10% the sensation of going nude in a pool, 10% the sensation when you fill your taxation sheet, 10% the sensation when you clap a door on your finger, 10% the sensation of receiving a visit from the IRS because your taxation sheet was badly filled, 10% the sensation of posting your theory about masturbation on reddit , and the final 10% the sensation of listening/reading yourself because you are so great and clever.
In fact, i am sorry, but you have seemed caught red-handed in an act of intellectual masturbation. Which is not gay. Which not make you gay either. But, alas, that makes you neither relevant nor smart.
And that his ancestors were homo erectus.
Up front, let me say (in the interest of full disclosure)…
OH, FOR PITY’S SAKE, GIVE IT A REST!!!
When I was a little tyke, this was early 1960’s, I attended a really fundamentalist church… one of the “teachings” was, when you wake, you should get up immediately, as lying in bed would lead to an urge to “touch yourself down there,” which would lead you to homosexuality, then to degradation, then hell-fire, and eventually liberalism, I guess.
I really like the attitude my son has, which he shares with all of his friends and, I’m hoping, most of his generation:
regarding masturbation, gender fluidity, sexual preference, and most of the other things that so bothered my junior-high school male peers….
“ok”
Now, let’s be scrupulous. The math is fine. He asserts that, should you touch yourself, your penis will communicate a sensation that is 10% like that of penetrating a vagina. That’s weirdly quantitative, but not inherently absurd. Meanwhile, your hand will communicate a sensation that is 100% like that of stroking a penis. That’s obviously true, and there’s no need for the percentages to add up to 100; they’re measuring distinct variables. If you chew on your pen, that’s some low percentage like giving head, and meanwhile for the pen it is 100% like being in a mouth.
With every other part of this argument I have many problems, but the math is sound!
… heh, heh…. you said “erectus”… heh, heh….
I watched Contrapoints’s latest video taking apart the “Are Traps ***?” meme and she briefly played a clip of “Nazi Pug” Dankula repeating this in a clearly joking manner, but apparently the joke was missed and people actually believe this.
And they claim that feminists don’t have a sense of humour.
These arguments always remind me that, even as an easily-embarrassed teenager, the phrase “self-abuse” as a term for masturbation always seemed deeply inaccurate – after all, sex with yourself is a pretty good way to be certain you’ve got a consenting partner.
@Pretty Pink Punnani Princess
I am delurking myself for you, to say this: Please don’t try to guess people’s sexuality based on how much of a jerk they are. It is rude and disrespectful. And possibly against the comments policy, more experienced mammotheers might correct me on that one.
Even worse, they were tool users.
I believe that sex should be a thing that happens with a person that you love, respect and trust. And that is why, for the past 15 years, I have only masturbated. badoom-tish
The question for them doesn’t seem to be, if someone is gay, but if some act makes them look gay, because for them it is the worst think ever.
A remarkable seign of insecurity. (and why do you fear that is a good question)
Pretty funny is that it is of a private act that nobody knows you are doing and a very common besides that so ah pretty strange fear…
I think it was Dennis Miller who said “What separates man from the lower animals is the use of reason and the inability to lick their own genitals…..If I could do that I’d never leave the house.”
Homo erectus. Tool users.
And from the late, great Pete Shelley.
Quoth the raven: Huh?
I remember thinking as a teenager that a lot of other teenage boys were worried about the possibility that they might be gay, as if that was the worst imaginable thing. Thus, I reasoned*, the worst thing imaginable has happened to me and it’s actually not that bad. I found that quite reassuring.
*For a teenager value of reasoned.
Fetch:
Well, 100% like being in a mouth but much less like actually receiving head. Though I get what you mean w/r to the OP.
There’s a goat out there somewhere who is thinking of me, I’m proud to say. Of course, she’s thinking about that weird human who wouldn’t let her chew on her hair, but whatever. Goat thoughts are good thoughts.
@AsAboveSoBelow: thank you! I miss Pete Shelley so much.
@Scildfreja: