By David Futrelle
Last year, weirdo online pastor “Coach” Dave Daubenmire caused a bit of a stir after he warned men not to give in to the devilish temptation of masturbation, because when a man jerks himself off he’s, well, jerking off a man, and even though that man is himself, it’s still totally gay.
Turns out he’s not the only one who feels this way. One NoFap Redditor — one who has posted in detail on his own efforts to cure what he considers a fierce masturbation addiction — made a similar declaration last summer in the UnpopularOpinions subreddit, where his views did indeed turn out to be quite unpopular.
“Masturbation is gay,” announced asdasdasdasdfff44. “You’re jerking off a penis and a man is jerking you off.”
This particular Redditor — let’s just call him Asdas for short — wasn’t the first Redditor to have this thought, but while most of those who’ve posted on the subject seem to have be joking. Asdas clearly wasn’t.
He set out his arguments one by one, starting with the most anatomically difficult — but also, he thinks, the most obviously gay — example he could imagine. (His examples only apply to cis men, though presumably he thinks cis women who masturbate are gay too.)
Autofellatio. That’s sucking your own dick. Yes, it can be done and you can likely do it too with determination and flexibility training. Ask just about anyone and you will be told it’s gay as fuck, you’re literally sucking dick. They’d be correct. You probably know it’s gay as fuck too, no need to ask others.
Actually, judging from some other Reddit discussions of this particular form of self-pleasure, there doesn’t seem to be a consensus on this issue. While some Redditors think it’s “hella gay,” a larger number seem to be envious of any guy who can pull off this particular stunt, and don’t consider it gay at all. “As long as you tell yourself ‘no homo’ in the mirror beforehand you’re good to go,” joked one Redditor in a SettleThisForMe subreddit discussion. It’s only gay “if you make eye contac,” joked another.
But Asdas didn’t consider any possible objections, and quickly moved on.
“I’m thinking about a woman so it’s not gay”. You may be thinking about a woman when you’re fucking a goat too, that doesn’t mean you’re not fucking a goat. Ultimately a man is jerking you during masturbation and you’re stroking a cock.. that happens to be yours. Notice how that’s gay as fuck.
This raises so many questions. What if you’re thinking about a goat when you’re fucking a woman? What if a goat is thinking about you?
Asdas continued:
“It’s not someone else’s cock”. Ok then, grab a realistic dildo and stroke it rigorously and sensually or whatever you do when you masturbate. Yes, stroking a dick. Notice how that’s gay as fuck.
I don’t know how many guys stroke dildos when they masturbate. But guys certainly fuck a lot of inanimate objects, and I feel I could use more guidance from Asdas on this subject. What if you fuck an apple pie? Not gay, right? How about if you fuck a GAY WEDDING CAKE!?
Alas, Asdas offered no answers on any other inanimate objects beyond dildoes, and instead moved on to his final argument:
When masturbating, you get 10% the sensation of penetrating a real vagina and 100% the sensation of stroking a real penis.
Huh. I have heard rumors that there are numerous heterosexual sex acts that do not involve a penis penetrating a vagina at all. Are they all gay too?
Once again, no answers from Asdas, who wrapped up his post with a bold challenge:
If you think masturbation is not gay, you have an obligation to suck your own dick too in order to be consistent.
Asdas was stunned when a large number of the commenters informed him that they, and most other men, would be happy to do this if only they “could bend that far.”
“No,” Asdas declared, in evident horror, “most would be horribly disturbed by such an idea.”
“Are you new to the internet?” his interlocutor replied. “Or just to like, people in general?”
Good questions, both. Had Asdas done any research on the internet at all, he would learned, among other things, that many if not most men have tried to suck their own dicks, a feat only a few men are capable of pulling off, and that there’s a big subculture of dudes who not only think jerking themselves off isn’t gay, but also that jerking off next to other dudes jerking off isn’t gay either. Because sexuality is weird and complicated and people draw lines between gay and straight in all sorts of places, or don’t draw clear lines at all.
Because in the end, whether a sexual act is gay or straight, or neither, or something else entirely, is less about what goes on with the body than it is about what’s going on in the mind.
And one thing that seems abundantly clear is that what’s going on in Asdas’ mind when it comes to sex isn’t really doing him or anyone else much good. Homophobia and toxic masculinity are two terrible tates that taste worse together.
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Dear Straight Men,
Please stop playing “Is it Gay?” Not only is it homophobic, it also makes you look stupid and childish.
Sincerely,
Everyone Else
“This is why I never shower, by the way. Rubbing my hands all over another man’s body would be gay as fuck, and doing it to my own body is exactly the same thing” – this guy, probably.
are these guys cranky all the time due to the lack of sleep they get trying to categorize everything as either gay or straight
(looks at Daubenmire, shrugs) Better gay than an asshole like you, “coach”.
Would buying/using a fleshlight or similar masturbation aid eliminate the “gay” issue? I mean, then you’re not technically touching a man or being touched by a man…
And on that note, I realize I put way too much time (10 seconds) into trying to figure this out. I’m going to go watch something on the Looney Tunes channel now.
I like the phrase “Notice how that’s gay as fuck” as though, ya know, it’s a scientific test:
“look, guys, just TRY it and you’ll notice it’s gay as fuck! how haven’t you noticed before???”
and also, as to what is and isn’t “gay,” didn’t King Missile settle this more than a decade ago?
That is powerfully dumb.
@Brian:
Reminds me of the George Carlin routine about cleaning out your fridge.
Now I’m thinking of all the straight guys out there telling each other:
Yes. Please try, straight guys. Better yet, film it and post it to the internet so others can learn from your example.
I’d be quite happy to learn that a goat was thinking about me.
Not sexually, I mean. Ew. Just, you know, thinking about me once in awhile. Wondering how I’m doing, hoping that I’m okay.
That thought is remarkably reassuring, that there is a friendly goat that is concerned for me and thinking about me, somewhere.
Hi Jack <3
Reminds me of this discussion on pharyngula inspired by this article on rawstory about a muslim imam who believes that masturbation during your regular lifetime causes your hands to become pregnant when you reach heaven.
The money quote from the pharyngula is, immodestly, mine. In discussing avoiding getting your own hands pregnant via maturating, other aids were suggested, including the simple expedient of using a silk scarf to – presumably – both enhance the sensations as well as to prevent the spermies from landing on your hands. At that point it became necessary to ask:
Fun Fact: autofellatio was the signature move of 70’s adult film star Johnny Holden. (Holden was also capable of carrying out, in literal terms, a directive aimed at many but attainable by very few.)
But then it’d be a penis not attached to me therefore not an act where it’s a fantasy of having sex with another unless I make it so in my fantasy.
Therefore Imma stop entertaining this troll’s logic.
Reddit introduced me to men who are able to anally penetrate themselves. With photos. Thank you, Reddit?
Man, these types of aggressively hetero dudes make sex sound so boring. Stop worrying about what abstract other people who will likely never know about it anyway would think and just do what you enjoy. Damn.
They can’t do that! It’d mean they’re NOT the center of the universe, and the pivot on which all hangs.
Not only is masturbation gay, it is also incestuous! I mean, just think about it! You’re performing a sex act on someone who shares a huge portion of your DNA! (All of it, in fact.) That’s, like, super incestuous.
/sarcasm
I’ve heard that having sex with identical twins is relatively uncommon in reality, but now we can all do it!
But is it okay when a woman does it, so long as a man is watching?
There’s a difference between gay sex and solo sex, but trust these bozos not to understand any of it.
Meanwhile, here’s a handy-dandy (tongue-in-cheek) guide to what’s actually gay and what’s not:
@Talonknife
The manosphere makes pretty much everything, including life itself, sound boring. Also grim and awful.
I guess that’s because manospherians are boring, grim, and awful.
110%. The guy can’t count, either.
OMG, he’s figured out how to make men gay. That’s it. Roll up the universe. We’re done here. Game over. Civilization has ground to a halt.
[an eyeroll was included here but cannot be displayed by your browser]
I have never ever seen a more obvious case of “In The Closet” in all my years. X’D
These poor dears are so far back into the closet, they found Narnia.
Hi there, longtime commenter, then lurker, also a fan of friendly goats.
Scildfreja, could I possibly use that comment of yours in my little online comic? Anonymous, of course. I’d like to take that lovely little thought and draw some concerned goats just thinking about people.
I’d happily draw you your very own, if you’d like.
Greetings y’all,
TomBcat
~Pretty Pink Punnani Princess
Not this bullshit again.
The point has been made multiple times in many threads gone by, but to repeat for your benefit: stop blaming homophobia on gay people. This sort of behavior is part of the problem. It isn’t funny and it isn’t clever. Stop.