By David Futrelle
Incels think a lot about farts. I mean, we all do, I guess, but when incels think about farts, well, it’s kind of special.
Consider this plaintive fart-related complaint I found on the Incels.is forums:
And, yes, he’s actually mad about this.
“Yeah, she farted in front of me last week, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.”
It is a well known but little talked about fact that couples that are really comfortable around each other/have been together for a long time feel no shame farting around each other. To me (and many normie marriage experts believe it or not) this is a huge milestone in a relationship.
I mean, yeah, it does represent a greater level of comfort, and it’s definitely better for your internal organs if you don’t hold in your farts for six hours so your date won’t realize you ever fart. And sometimes farts are funny.
But on the flip side, they are also gross as hell and no one outside a few fetishists (and I guess an even smaller number of hopeless romantics) really wants to smell anyone else’s farts. I mean, jeez, it’s a matter of basic politeness: no matter how comfortable you are with someone, go to another room before letting out a big one, if that’s at all possible.
But let’s return to the imaginary fart bliss zone of this guy’s imagination for some thoughts on femoids and Chads.
Like for example, many femoids at first will not be comfortable being seen in front of their new Chad without their make-up and hair being all done up. Gradually, it doesn’t matter anymore. Soon, they will be comfortable being seen in pajamas. Eventually, post-fart bliss as I call it is inevitable, provided the man is question is high value enough for her to stay with long enough.
But there is some possible trouble in this fart paradise, at least for dudes:
WARNING: This stage could also signify that the femoid is about to get fat. Tread with caution and understand that there is that risk.
But Redpill Robert quickly returns to thoughts of farty bliss, and why it remains an impossible dream to all but the luckiest incels.
Most of us will be lucky to ever even get into a serious relationship at all. Of the few that do, 99% will get cucked or just dumped for anything better that comes along. Some very lucky select few however may just escape inceldom completely, get married to a unicorn and live happily ever after in post-fart bliss. Deep down, this is what all of us dream of.
Really? If you’re dreaming of farts, maybe you shouldn’t be eating a full plate of beans right before you go to sleep, huh, you big incel weirdo?
Bam. OWNED!
Ok, maybe that wasn’t THAT great of an own, but it’s Sunday and I’m taking it easy.
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Speaking as one of the Chads, I always make sure to fart around women I find attractive. (I only go for 10/10 virgin blondes with no makeup, of course).
The women are subconsciously attracted to the rich pheromonal brew that wafts from my colon. Even before they notice my strong chin and perfect jawline, they come sniffing for that virile and fertile odeur. My farts smell of success, fast money, and the kind of condescending misogyny that makes women feel weak in the knees.
It rarely takes more than a fart or two to draw any of them into my lap or into my bed. When I let one rip in an enclosed space like an elevator, some have been known to spontaneously offer to bear my children. They want some of that potent alpha-male perfume in their genetic future.
Thus spake Chad
This reminds me of all the women who don’t know how to spell cologne:
”I love the smell of his colon”, etc etc.
When my friend and I were teenagers, we were in a music shop looking through used CDs. This man came up behind us and announced that he just farted. He told he liked to go to the perfume section at department stores to fart. He asked us if we wanted the recipe for his farts.
It was probably the weirdest incident of harassment I’ve ever experienced. Among a whole lifetime of incidents.
And no, it was not an alpha move and we were not turned on.
Ugh. So gross. Why are Incels.
This guy tooted a tune. Does that make him the uber-Chad?
This chad must have been inundated with ladies back in the day!
(Check out the Leonard Rossiter film. Considering the subject matter it’s really poignant)
…
beans, beans, the musical fruit
the more you eat, the more you toot
the more you toot, the better you feel
so let’s have beans for every meal!
…
I wondered when somebody was going to bring up Le Petomane.
Reportedly he irrigated his colon daily to avoid giving olfactory offense.
@ Vicky P
Well, it was kind of inevitable it’d be me.
In the 19th Century, PUA advice was really thorough.
Confession: I never figured out how to hold a fart.
Has anyone done a Venn diagram of incels and drug addicts? I suspect there’s a hell of a lot of overlap between the two.
@Chris Oakley
Why do you suspect that?
How James Joyce of him.
I…what?
I’m more prone to think that the average Incel is straightedge and actively disdainful of drug users.
Incels are reactionaries and have much more in common with teetotalers than with people who are addicted to drugs. Unless you count Oxycontin maybe.
If the incels posting on the fora are representative, then the consensus seems to be that drug use is ‘degenerate’.
Yeah, well, it seems like everything except raping 15-year-olds gets called “degenerate” sooner or later, so that doesn’t mean much in itself.
On the other hand, forum-going incels don’t like it when their own members attempt to escape from their self-inflicted pain. And drugs might seem like such an escape, so I’d think they’d be against it for that reason.
i susoect thy’re assuming that either a) they get to fart and the woman doesn’t or b) her rare farts will smell of roses.
Given the objection to women lookign like regular women instead of supermodels, i don’t think they’re imagining burnt rubber or even beany smells.
It’s this
Not your weight
Not your height
Not your eye angle or your wrist size
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@tohka
Your link seems to be broken. It looks like this is the correct link:
I really hope he won’t be a marine for much longer.
That’s really uncalled for, and not much different from saying they’re all mentally ill.
Signed, a mentally ill, former drug addict.
“Incel Insights for 500, Alex.”
“You believe that a woman farting in your presence could signify that the femoid is about to get fat.”
“Why am I single, Alex?”
“Correct!”
I enjoy a good fart and rarely give a thought to holding it in, no matter where I am or who I’m with.
To be fair, I’m also fat.
These things probably aren’t related.
I’m pretty sure that the incel “femoid farting –> fatness” argument goes along the lines of: “teh feeeeeeeeemoid has let itself go enough to give olfactory offense in the presence of a chad, which means (gasp!!!) that soon enough it will no longer care to please its Lord and Master’s gaze either, preferring to eat cheesecakes with wild abandon instead, until it has achieved disfigurement.”
You remember when we thought that early-TNG Ferengi were silly, overdrawn parodies that couldn’t be taken seriously at all?
I think Roddenberry had more insight than expected…