By David Futrelle
So I have discovered — a little belatedly — what may be the worst-written sentence in the English language. Or at least the worst sentence ever written by someone who thought he was writing the best sentence.
It comes from a blog called One Angry Gamer, near the end of a post from 2017 hailing the opening of the game industry conference E3 to the public as a giant victory for true gamers like himself, and a crushing blow to SJW game journalists.
If that all sounds very 2014, it’s because Mr. One Angry Gamer is an unapologetic GamerGater who hasn’t stopped GamerGating even though the movement he was once such an enthusiastic participant in has largely been subsumed into the broader far-right resurgence.
In his post, OAG celebrated E4’s policy change as if it were a world-historic victory for civil rights.
The news recently went out that the ESA will open up E3 2017 to everybody. All gamers from all walks of life and all backgrounds, from all over the world, each one coming in different shapes and sizes, will be able to attend the event.
We haven’t gotten to the worst sentence yet. But I do like OAG’s inadvertent assertion that every gamer is simultaneously small, medium and large.
Typically, some SJWs were not pleased that real gamers would be able to finally bypass the uninformed, fascists [sic] gatekeepers known as game journalists, and see and experience the games and technology for themselves.
His evidence that SJW “fascists” were furious over this development? He found a few alleged SJWs making jokes about it.
But OAG was just getting warmed up. He went on to declare that these evil SJWs
were hoping that this would be a short-lived exercise in pro-consumerism, hoping desperately that the legs of opportunity would close shut tight on gamers in years to come.
The, er, legs of opportunity? That might close? So gamer dudes are basically fucking opportunity, and this makes SJWs mad?
It’s pretty clear that Mr. One Angry Gamer is not so much angry as horny.
Like, really horny. The weird sexual metaphors quickly got even weirder — and rape-ier.
Other SJWs found [the opening of E3 to the public] to be a mistake, a blasphemous call for the hydra of consumerism to emerge from the far corners of the interwebs; a stake to the heart of game journalism’s oligarchy; a raping of the gated clique that once controlled the foyer of information that lactated from the bulbous PR udders dangling from the publishers’ visceral bloat that drips begrudgingly through the sphincter of the media and out through the curdled lips of their blogs.
Excuse me?
I’m having a bit of trouble trying to visualize the assorted mixed metaphors in that sentence. Could someone draw me a picture?
By the way, despite all the incoherent, sexualized body horror of that last sentence, we still haven’t gotten to the worst one.
One Horny Gamer continued on with the body horror theme:
Others tried defending the old guard, pretending as if the cavernous opening in the rectum major gaming sites’ advertising opportunities makes them reliable, trustworthy, independent journalists with the interests of gamers in mind.
There seems to be a word missing there, or maybe a dozen, but somehow I don’t think even the most careful proofreading could have rescued that sentence.
After several more paragraphs attacking SJW game journalists, and one defending the glory that was #GamerGate, One Horny Gamer delivered up the masterpiece of bad writing that I’ve been warning you about this whole time.
Take a deep breath.
Here it is:
Gamers’ milky victory secreted onto the tongue of SJWs’ pride, languishing there like a badge of honor that can’t be rinsed away; all while the pole of ethics lodged its way down the orifice of corruption, filling the gaping hole with improved policies and updated disclosures, changing the landscape of media journalism forever.
Wow.
I would try to break that sentence down, but frankly my brain froze up after I tried to imagine someone trying and failing to rinse away a badge made of semen that was stuck to their tongue.
Maybe gamers really were a mistake.
I’m going to go lie down for awhile.
H/T — Thanks to Twitter’s @CranBoonitz for highlighting OAG’s amazing post.
We Hunted the Mammoth is independent and ad-free, and relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!
Do you think he needed to scrape the underside of his desk after that?
https://tenor.com/view/shock-treatment-farley-crazy-face-smile-gif-11970252
Jesus, that reads like a cross between Stalinist agit-prop and James Joyce’s love letters… Blech. I sure hope Angry Gamer never finds any partners.
*shudder*
Hm. Sometimes when I reload this page to see if I can edit a post, it shows no such thing– or it shows the posts I thought I edited already. Clearing my cache and reloading the page doesn’t seem to have helped.
@Nequam
A lot of people’s post are being diverted through the spam filter the past couple of months. No idea why.
Implying that consumerism was ever a good thing in the first place…
Um…. *pokes sentence nervously with a stick*
Is the foyer 2% or skim?
I’ve noticed lately how Gamergate types now ascribe mindless consumerism and corporate loyalty to their enemies, often by claiming the only reason anyone likes, say, The Last Jedi is because Disney conditioned them to accept anything they put out. “You can’t possibly like something I hate! You SJWs are corporatist sheep!” It’s no different from when someone claims any act of social justice is mere virtue signaling; they can’t accept someone actually thinks differently from them.
It speaks to how self-centered and empty of empathy they are when they can’t conceive of any reason to like something they don’t other than it must be brainwashing.
This guy must be as excited for the new Call of Cthulhu as I am, because it sounds like he’s been rereading Lovecraft.
So, if I’ve got this right, SJWs are trying to rape gaming, and that’s bad; but gamers instead raped those blue haired harridans, and that’s good.
Someone please tell me if I got it right, because I’ll probably be damned if I read that again.
After reading all that, I need to lie down with a good book. Terry Pratchett, take me away.
I think it makes more sense if you replace “consumerism” with “customer’s rights”… and then understand that by “customer” they mean “male gamers who are members of toxic geek culture, which are the only customers who really matter” and “rights” to mean “privilege”.
That still makes it wrong on multiple levels, but at least it makes it easier to follow their line of thought.
I can’t resist breaking down just a little of this:
Okay, first…
…isn’t “secreted” a transitive verb? Doesn’t there have to be an object there?
It would be weird as fuck, but it would be english.
But what is languishing? The tongue or the victory?
And WHERE THE FUCK IS “There”?
And if it’s a badge of honor – which we presume is a good thing – WHY THE FUCK IS IT “languishing”?
Are badges of honor commonly rinsed away? Are they commonly rinsed at all? Maybe it’s “badges” generally that this writer thinks are actually rinsed away at times? I mean, how would we know if it’s a badge that can’t be rinsed away unless we try to rinse it away, and why would we do that if it wouldn’t occur to us to rinse badges?
What about a badge of honor sewn to a jacket with unbreakable, unseverable thread?
But for the second time, why is it a “badge of honor” for a social justice warrior to have a tongue? In my personal experience – which I admit is not data gathered under rigorous control – more than 80% of SJWs that i know have tongues. I don’t think any of them would be particularly proud of themselves for the fact that they somehow made it to adulthood with a tongue.
This. Is. Weird.
You know you were in the right all along, when the best metaphor for your victory you can think of is some kind of demonic sexual assault…..
/S
@Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Yeah, even though it wasn’t in the part I deconstructed, the weirdest part of this whole article has to be the lactating foyer.
Sheesh.
@Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Yeah, although it wasn’t in the bit I broke down, the weirdest thing in this whole blog post has to be the lactating foyer.
http://i.imgur.com/U7Hfw.gif
What I find super godamn ironic is gamergaters now being like “LOOK AT THESE MINDLESS CONSUMMERST SHEEP” when gamergates are like
the target audience of the culture of consumption publishers like EA try and grow using preorders and stuff like that, so not only are they screaming about people liking things they dont like, they are also projecting hard core. Also I will bet my life one hangy gamers was one of those people whining that Eli (a canonlogicly gay character) being gay is bad (Because I know these assholes are sexually attracted to her), that Assassins creed Odyssey is bowing to SJW’s (Because the greeks were famously only straight) and battlefield 5 having women ruined his precious immersion (and someone healing 50 gunshot wounds by just having a sit down doesn’t)
@Mayu Kitsune
Gamergate arguments have gradually shifted from “SJWs are such nobodies that they literally have to sleep with games journalists to get positive coverage” to “SJWs are so influential that even games companies worth hundreds of millions of dollars have to kowtow to them” with seemingly no pause to consider the sheer improbability of that happening in such a short span of time, and in the face of such strong pushback from Gamergate and its ilk. But it has always been the nature of the conspiracy-minded fringe to simultaneously overestimate and underestimate the influence of The Other, so.
Are there many random gamers willing to attend a professional conference like this? What deep SJW secrets are being shared between game developers and gaming journalists?
@Ariblester
“But it has always been the nature of the conspiracy-minded fringe to simultaneously overestimate and underestimate the influence of The Other, so.”
If nothing else, they’re good little fascist shitheads.
That’s certainly an impressive amount of…er…typing he did there.
Especially since he did it with just one hand.
Not I; I couldn’t draw my way out of a wet paper tiger. But if you really want to know the image paragraph called to my warped mind (you don’t), do an image search for ‘Sahkil, Qolok’ (don’t do that). For those who don’t want to look, imagine David Cronenberg and David Lynch ids got together and made a precious wittle baby abomination, which then got freaky with a shoggoth, and the resulting offspring was marinated in the radioactive blood of H R Giger for a hundred years, and now it’s burbling the… whatever that is in the OP (Offending Post).
*reads the rest of OHG’s sweaty
pantingranting*Eeyep. That’s about right. Maybe don’t look up the picture, ‘cause now I know what’s going to be flopping and heaving its way through my nightmares tonight, and what it’s going to burble. It’s not pretty.
The nipple piercings are a nice touch, though.
OAG is a truly unique look into the mind of a depraved gamer. I drive by to shit on their blog from time to time. I especially like when they venture outside of gaming to express dissatisfaction at the ever encroaching control of oppressive SJWs. Gotta get politics out of games.
The only response I can think of, expressed perfectly in animation.
Only a few words into that disgusting rape fantasy screed and I had to nope the fuck out. I’d prefer a good night’s sleep over peering into a toxic gamer’s imagination.
@Fujimoto:
The unironic use of the term “virtue signalling” is literally a self-own. It means the speaker thinks the only reason to not be a frothing asshole to minorities is for money, or some other immense reward.
Also yeah, same old news: the free market™ is only free if it upholds regressive conservative values and shits on minorites, otherwise it’s not a true free market™, it’s a liberalist scam by the Marxist deep state.