By David Futrelle
Yesterday we took a look at some weirdly horny vintage Christmas ads, including a number featuring none other than Santa Claus getting his North Pole wet (well, by implication).
Today, I present you with some vintage ads celebrating the three classic Christmas gifts. No, I don;t mean gold, frankincense and myrrh. (Where can you even find myrrh anyway?) I mean alcohol, tobacco and firearms.
Truly, nothing says “Merry Christmas” like getting blackout drunk and vomiting into the fireplace.
Forget carefully picking out a Christmas gift for the man who has everything. Just get him a big ol bottle of booze — and hopefully he’ll give you one back!
Get so fucking drunk you start hallucinating creepy old rich dudes in top hats!
Replace your Christmas tree with bottles of scotch! Why the fuck not. IT’S YOUR FUCKING LIFE, LIVE IT HOW YOU WANT TO.
And if you run out of scotch, it doesn’t even matter! Sneak into the kitchen and drink an entire case of beer! Let your wife deal with the goddamn Christmas tree. LIKE YOU GIVE A SHIT WHAT THE TREE LOOKS LIKE.
I mean, how do you think Santa gets through Christmas, anyway? NON-STOP DRINKING.
I mean, look at him. He’s drunk as hell. HE’S NOT EVEN WEARING PANTS.
Now that we’re good and liquored-up, let’s move on to phase two: inhaling some sweet, sweet Christmas nicotine.
You know smoking is a truly blessed Christmas tradition because Santa himself indulges.
Boy, does he ever!
I mean, what better way to prepare for a night of going up and down chimneys than by smoking like one!
But don’t bogart those cigs! Make sure everyone has some!
YOU get a case of cigarettes! YOU get a case of cigarettes! YOU get a case of cigarettes! YOU get a case of cigarettes!
You don’t even have to fucking wrap them! They come in their own special Christmas cartons! Cases of ciggies for everyone!
It’s what RONALD REAGAN would have wanted!
And if your wife hates the smell of smoke as much as she hates the sight of you, screw her! Light up the stinkiest cigar you can find and blow that smoke right in her goddamn face! I mean, she might literally murder you in your sleep later, but what the hell, it’s worth it. 
Speaking of murder, let’s move on to the last part of our Christmas Troika: GUNS.
Give your kids guns!
Give your wife a gun!
Buy yourself a gun! And hide it under your pillow!
That last one is a little creepier than maybe the advertisers intended, huh?
Anyway, now that you’re drunk as a skunk, reeking of stale smoke, and armed to the teeth, it’s time to enjoy the CHRISTMAS MEAT!
Turkey, ham, it doesn’t matter so long as it’s a huge hunk of DEAD FLESH.
MEAT
MEAT
MEAT
And while you’re preparing your CHRISTMAS MEAT why not, I dunno, just go wild and PUT CAULIFLOWER IN THE JELLO, toss some RADISHES nearby and then SLATHER SOME MIRACLE WHIP ON TOP! I mean, who fucking cares?
Christmas truly is a blessed day.
CORRECTION: I fixed two egregious food-related errors.
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“Christmas lasts a lifetime when it’s a Remington 22” is pretty disturbing. You have less than 24 hours left to live … brrr.
On a slightly less morbid note, though – ¡felices fiestas! to all mammotheers and especially David who keeps us all afloat <3
Please – Miracle Whip is not mayonnaise.
Nourishing Meat.
Far and away the best kind of Meat.
I grew up with molded gelatin salads featuring mayonnaise. If Miracle Whip had been substituted, we would have assumed we’d offended our mother in some unspeakable way.
Broccoli in jello is an abomination.
It’s cauliflower, not broccoli, not that that’s an improvement.
Merry Christmas!
I must be the only person on the planet that still likes jello salads. Take me back to some very happy times.
Wow, 11 cartons of Lucky Strikes for Christmas. In today’s dollars that would run you anywhere from 500 – 800 bucks, depending on what state you buy them in.
That woman awkwardly holding a rifle while dressed in her slip, though. What kind of message is that supposed to send? “Thanks for the gun, honey, but couldn’t you have waited until I was done dressing before you gave it to me?”
Also, jellied aspic everything for the holidays. As seen on every cheesy recipe card from 1950 to 1980. YUM! Good thing my mom didn’t have the patience to try it, or the heart to foist it on us.
Hope everybody’s having a good one. Whether you love those salads or loathe ’em (or, like me, have never eaten one in your life, and aren’t sure if you want to…)
Miracle Whip is the nastiest.
I have a feeling I’m gonna feel like miracle whip tomorrow.
There should be an ad with this text. :P.
To me, this gave a bizarre image of young Ronald Reagan mailing people couches, since my mind went “chesterfield = old-fashioned word for a couch.” But apparently this usage is Canadian, not American.
On that note, I find the gun ads definitely creepy. Not just because the last one could be re-imagined as a suicide joke. It’s more the “wholesome” feel of the things, the “fun for the whole family” vibe. Even if rifles are more justifiable than handguns (for range shooting and hunting), the first ad is just… too many guns. Gun for you, you, you – and a bunch more options on the side. Not to mention that the little kid gets one. Ugh.
@Bina, that woman is probably annoyed her husband gave her a budget gun like an H&R instead of a Remington or Winchester.
I can just imagine what the woman in the Schlitz ad is thinking. “What, is Nathan drinking already? God, he’ll be three sheets to the wind before anyone shows up!”
The woman in the Webster cigar ad seems less than impressed with her “important man” guest. Maybe he hit on her, or even grabbed her behind at some point. But she’s keeping her mouth shut, either because she doesn’t want to hurt her husband’s chances at work, or because she knows hubby won’t take it seriously.
If you read the text in the Kinsey whisky ad it’s apparently from WW2, since it mentions war bonds. I would have thought a fancy booze factory would have been converted to making some useful war chemical.
Santa looks more like he’s smoking a joint than a cigarette in that Marlboro ad.
Nonsense, booze is the only way to get through several days of being stuck with family, it’s the perfect apology gift!
Any hippie or pagan shop will have some, as will custom parfumeries and suppliers for same.
https://imgur.com/gallery/r4QAZxp
Yep you can get myrrh anywhere that sells resin incenses.
Also liquor can be a good gift if you know the recipient likes it (and is not an alcoholic) I got my sister a bottle of nice vodka this year.
I have no idea what Miracle Whip is, but as its American, damn sure it isn’t mayonnaise. It’s some artificially lab created edible shaving foam. Blurrgh. At least you know what’s in Mayo.
As for the jello, boiled hooves anyone?!
Daisys are BB guns, not firearms. They aren’t powerful enough to kill anybody, but “You’ll shoot your eye out!”
@Bina The woman in the lingerie with the gun is giving her man the gun as a gift, not receiving it. Women were not expected to actually shoot the guns, just give them as gifts to the “sportsmen” in their lives.
I’m not sure what to make of the expression on the woman in the cigar ad. She seems at once both contemptuous of the “important” man receiving the gift, and eyeing the cigars jealously, either because she’s annoyed she’s not allowed to smoke a cigar, or because she’s lusting after the phallic symbol. Who knows what the advertisers had in mind.
What I really want to know is who has a shooting range in their basement or rec room for use with a BB gun that can shoot 90 – 150 feet per the ad copy?!
They’re BB guns only now. Weren’t in the 50’s and 60’s – they had a fair range of .22 rifles.
Oddly enough, they (as a toy company) were the first company to introduce reliable caseless ammo for a commercially available rifle. The cased ammo were expensive compared to off the shelf stuff, so people were re-loading it, and the casing quality really weren’t up to reuse. A few bad misfires and they developed the caseless to prevent further accidents.
Happy Christmas/Yule/Saturnalia/Doctor Who Marathon Day to all you lovely Mammotheers!
Hope you’re all having the best time possible, whether that’s with family/friends, or if you’ve disconnected the doorbell and are hiding behind the sofa til they’ve all gone away!
Sending this out to my fellow Americans – a reminder from our ancestors:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9N1VYhXUGP4
I’m a big fan of remembering that in the midst of dark and cold, we can still have light and warmth, and hope for spring.
Please all have a wonderful holiday, be it Yule or Christmas or just Tuesday.
Ohmigosh Alan, where did you find that??
@ scildfreja
I just checked my card index under ‘mammoths/feminism/Christmas’; like how you have a Fluttershy gif at hand for any conceivable occasion. 😉
…but I like Miracle Whip…
That pantsless Santa is disturbing. We’re very, very close to getting a view of his er, Christmas gift package.
Pfft, weak. If you really want your Christmas to last a lifetime, get a Kalashnikov; those things are hardy.