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Have an Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms Christmas with these really creepy vintage ads

I want to shoot the whole Christmas day down

By David Futrelle

Yesterday we took a look at some weirdly horny vintage Christmas ads, including a number featuring none other than Santa Claus getting his North Pole wet (well, by implication).

Today, I present you with some vintage ads celebrating the three classic Christmas gifts. No, I don;t mean gold, frankincense and myrrh. (Where can you even find myrrh anyway?)  I mean alcohol, tobacco and firearms.

Truly, nothing says “Merry Christmas” like getting blackout drunk and vomiting into the fireplace.

Forget carefully picking out a Christmas gift for the man who has everything. Just get him a big ol bottle of booze — and hopefully he’ll give you one back!

Get so fucking drunk you start hallucinating creepy old rich dudes in top hats!

Replace your Christmas tree with bottles of scotch! Why the fuck not. IT’S YOUR FUCKING LIFE, LIVE IT HOW YOU WANT TO.

And if you run out of scotch, it doesn’t even matter! Sneak into the kitchen and drink an entire case of beer! Let your wife deal with the goddamn Christmas tree. LIKE YOU GIVE A SHIT WHAT THE TREE LOOKS LIKE.

I mean, how do you think Santa gets through Christmas, anyway? NON-STOP DRINKING.

I mean, look at him. He’s drunk as hell. HE’S NOT EVEN WEARING PANTS.

Now that we’re good and liquored-up, let’s move on to phase two: inhaling some sweet, sweet Christmas nicotine.

You know smoking is a truly blessed Christmas tradition because Santa himself indulges.

Boy, does he ever!

I mean, what better way to prepare for a night of going up and down chimneys than by smoking like one!

But don’t bogart those cigs! Make sure everyone has some!

YOU get a case of cigarettes! YOU get a case of cigarettes!  YOU get a case of cigarettes!  YOU get a case of cigarettes!

You don’t even have to fucking wrap them! They come in their own special Christmas cartons! Cases of ciggies for everyone!

It’s what RONALD REAGAN would have wanted!

And if your wife hates the smell of smoke as much as she hates the sight of you, screw her! Light up the stinkiest cigar you can find and blow that smoke right in her goddamn face! I mean, she might literally murder you in your sleep later, but what the hell, it’s worth it. 

Speaking of murder, let’s move on to the last part of our Christmas Troika: GUNS.

Give your kids guns!

Give your wife a gun!

Buy yourself a gun! And hide it under your pillow!

That last one is a little creepier than maybe the advertisers intended, huh?

Anyway, now that you’re drunk as a skunk, reeking of stale smoke, and armed to the teeth, it’s time to enjoy the CHRISTMAS MEAT!

Turkey, ham, it doesn’t matter so long as it’s a huge hunk of DEAD FLESH.

MEAT

MEAT

MEAT

And while you’re preparing your CHRISTMAS MEAT why not, I dunno, just go wild and PUT CAULIFLOWER IN THE JELLO, toss some RADISHES nearby and then SLATHER SOME MIRACLE WHIP ON TOP! I mean, who fucking cares?

Christmas truly is a blessed day.

CORRECTION: I fixed two egregious food-related errors.

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opposablethumbs
opposablethumbs
1 year ago

“Christmas lasts a lifetime when it’s a Remington 22” is pretty disturbing. You have less than 24 hours left to live … brrr.

On a slightly less morbid note, though – ¡felices fiestas! to all mammotheers and especially David who keeps us all afloat <3

jsrtheta
jsrtheta
1 year ago

Please – Miracle Whip is not mayonnaise.

Robert
Robert
1 year ago

Nourishing Meat.

Far and away the best kind of Meat.

I grew up with molded gelatin salads featuring mayonnaise. If Miracle Whip had been substituted, we would have assumed we’d offended our mother in some unspeakable way.

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
1 year ago

Broccoli in jello is an abomination.

Mea
Mea
1 year ago

It’s cauliflower, not broccoli, not that that’s an improvement.

Merry Christmas!

Shadowplay
1 year ago

I must be the only person on the planet that still likes jello salads. Take me back to some very happy times.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 year ago

Wow, 11 cartons of Lucky Strikes for Christmas. In today’s dollars that would run you anywhere from 500 – 800 bucks, depending on what state you buy them in.

Bina
1 year ago

That woman awkwardly holding a rifle while dressed in her slip, though. What kind of message is that supposed to send? “Thanks for the gun, honey, but couldn’t you have waited until I was done dressing before you gave it to me?”

Also, jellied aspic everything for the holidays. As seen on every cheesy recipe card from 1950 to 1980. YUM! Good thing my mom didn’t have the patience to try it, or the heart to foist it on us.

Hope everybody’s having a good one. Whether you love those salads or loathe ’em (or, like me, have never eaten one in your life, and aren’t sure if you want to…)

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
1 year ago

Miracle Whip is the nastiest.

I have a feeling I’m gonna feel like miracle whip tomorrow.

epitome of incomprehensibility

Get so fucking drunk you start hallucinating creepy old rich dudes in top hats!

There should be an ad with this text. :P.

I’m sending Chesterfields to all my friends

To me, this gave a bizarre image of young Ronald Reagan mailing people couches, since my mind went “chesterfield = old-fashioned word for a couch.” But apparently this usage is Canadian, not American.

On that note, I find the gun ads definitely creepy. Not just because the last one could be re-imagined as a suicide joke. It’s more the “wholesome” feel of the things, the “fun for the whole family” vibe. Even if rifles are more justifiable than handguns (for range shooting and hunting), the first ad is just… too many guns. Gun for you, you, you – and a bunch more options on the side. Not to mention that the little kid gets one. Ugh.

tim gueguen
1 year ago

@Bina, that woman is probably annoyed her husband gave her a budget gun like an H&R instead of a Remington or Winchester.

I can just imagine what the woman in the Schlitz ad is thinking. “What, is Nathan drinking already? God, he’ll be three sheets to the wind before anyone shows up!”

The woman in the Webster cigar ad seems less than impressed with her “important man” guest. Maybe he hit on her, or even grabbed her behind at some point. But she’s keeping her mouth shut, either because she doesn’t want to hurt her husband’s chances at work, or because she knows hubby won’t take it seriously.

If you read the text in the Kinsey whisky ad it’s apparently from WW2, since it mentions war bonds. I would have thought a fancy booze factory would have been converted to making some useful war chemical.

Santa looks more like he’s smoking a joint than a cigarette in that Marlboro ad.

Jane Done
Jane Done
1 year ago

Nonsense, booze is the only way to get through several days of being stuck with family, it’s the perfect apology gift!

Dalillama
Dalillama
1 year ago

Where can you even find myrrh anyway?)

Any hippie or pagan shop will have some, as will custom parfumeries and suppliers for same.

Replace your Christmas tree with bottles of Scotch

https://imgur.com/gallery/r4QAZxp

TreePerson
TreePerson
1 year ago

Yep you can get myrrh anywhere that sells resin incenses.

Also liquor can be a good gift if you know the recipient likes it (and is not an alcoholic) I got my sister a bottle of nice vodka this year.

Virgin Mary
Virgin Mary
1 year ago

I have no idea what Miracle Whip is, but as its American, damn sure it isn’t mayonnaise. It’s some artificially lab created edible shaving foam. Blurrgh. At least you know what’s in Mayo.
As for the jello, boiled hooves anyone?!

The Phantom Cheese, Wearer of Problem Glasses
The Phantom Cheese, Wearer of Problem Glasses
1 year ago

Daisys are BB guns, not firearms. They aren’t powerful enough to kill anybody, but “You’ll shoot your eye out!”

Prith kDar
Prith kDar
1 year ago

@Bina The woman in the lingerie with the gun is giving her man the gun as a gift, not receiving it. Women were not expected to actually shoot the guns, just give them as gifts to the “sportsmen” in their lives.

I’m not sure what to make of the expression on the woman in the cigar ad. She seems at once both contemptuous of the “important” man receiving the gift, and eyeing the cigars jealously, either because she’s annoyed she’s not allowed to smoke a cigar, or because she’s lusting after the phallic symbol. Who knows what the advertisers had in mind.

What I really want to know is who has a shooting range in their basement or rec room for use with a BB gun that can shoot 90 – 150 feet per the ad copy?!

Shadowplay
1 year ago

They’re BB guns only now. Weren’t in the 50’s and 60’s – they had a fair range of .22 rifles.

Oddly enough, they (as a toy company) were the first company to introduce reliable caseless ammo for a commercially available rifle. The cased ammo were expensive compared to off the shelf stuff, so people were re-loading it, and the casing quality really weren’t up to reuse. A few bad misfires and they developed the caseless to prevent further accidents.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago

Happy Christmas/Yule/Saturnalia/Doctor Who Marathon Day to all you lovely Mammotheers!

Hope you’re all having the best time possible, whether that’s with family/friends, or if you’ve disconnected the doorbell and are hiding behind the sofa til they’ve all gone away!

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Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
1 year ago

Sending this out to my fellow Americans – a reminder from our ancestors:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9N1VYhXUGP4

I’m a big fan of remembering that in the midst of dark and cold, we can still have light and warmth, and hope for spring.

Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Scildfreja Unnyðnes
1 year ago

Please all have a wonderful holiday, be it Yule or Christmas or just Tuesday.

Ohmigosh Alan, where did you find that??

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago

@ scildfreja

Ohmigosh Alan, where did you find that??

I just checked my card index under ‘mammoths/feminism/Christmas’; like how you have a Fluttershy gif at hand for any conceivable occasion. 😉

K.
K.
1 year ago

…but I like Miracle Whip…

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
1 year ago

That pantsless Santa is disturbing. We’re very, very close to getting a view of his er, Christmas gift package.

KindaSortaHarmless
KindaSortaHarmless
1 year ago

Pfft, weak. If you really want your Christmas to last a lifetime, get a Kalashnikov; those things are hardy.

Yutolia the Green Hash Thing
Yutolia the Green Hash Thing
1 year ago

@Shadowplay: I do, but only if they’re fruit.

Nequam
Nequam
1 year ago

I suspect Santa *is* wearing pants, but the artist picked a horribly poor color choice, probably trying to reproduce the beige-y color of cowhide (think work gloves).

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

This is fake news. Trump has confirmed that Santa doesn’t exist.

(I suppose it’s no surprise that this father of five doesn’t know how to talk to kids)

Tabby Lavalamp
1 year ago

Tobacco ads fascinate me. The products exist for no other reason than to get people addicted then take their money until they die but the ads are so cheerful. Could you imagine the exact same words and images, but for heroin or cocaine?

Sure, we’ve just legalized cannabis here in Canada, but I’m a little sad we won’t see anything like this for marijuana cigarettes.

Hambeast
Hambeast
1 year ago

Husbeast’s girlfriend had a Hogswatch party at the beginning of the month that was also a potluck. A lovely Russian fellow brought home made chicken aspic that was to die for. He told me (one of the only people brave enough to try it) that his secret was special gelatin he got from Amazon and that everyone should leave the boxes of Knox in the store*. The aspic had chicken chunks and carrots at the bottom. Yum!

That being said, the 50s – 80s saw some of the most egregious abuses of Jell-O** committed by humankind. I cannot to this day eat lime gelatin because of my mom’s favorite “salad” recipe that used it with carrots, celery and beef bullion in her favorite fancy copper mold. Yuk!

*I believe him!

**If you’d like to torture yourself and laugh a lot, I’d like to recommend the Mid-Century Menu blog. It’s not all Jell-O and not all horrible but some of it’s pretty gross and funny.

Redsilkphoenix: Jetpack Vixen, Intergalactic Meanie
Redsilkphoenix: Jetpack Vixen, Intergalactic Meanie
1 year ago

…….

I though it was mayonnaise that was the Condiment of Satan, not Miracle Whip! D:

As for Jello salads, there was an article back in the 1990-early 2000’s in the food section of the Chicago Tribune about those salads. The story was about how the Jello company was trying to reinvent those salads because yeah, those early recipes tended to produce monstrosities at best.

The new recipes they came up with actually looked pretty good, from what the pictures of them showed.

(I don’t eat Jello anything, unless it’s their puddings. There’s something about the texture of it that I just can’t tolerate eating. At all.)

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

Can you imagine how traumatic the smoking Santa ads might be for kids? “Mummy, the Surgeon General says Santa is going to get lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and maybe a complicated pregnancy!”

Michael Suttkus, II
Michael Suttkus, II
1 year ago

As a kid, I grew up in a Miracle Whip family. I ate it for years. As an adult, I finally discovered real mayonnaise, and I refuse to touch Miracle Whip again!

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
1 year ago

One of the regular Christmas staples here was a vegetable aspic: lemon jell-o, a little cranberry juice (not too much or it doesn’t set properly), with grated carrots and celery. Mayonnaise in jell-o is like unto an abomination, but this stuff is pretty good.

Talonknife
Talonknife
1 year ago

Funny enough, there were actually several guns under the tree in my household this Christmas. My oldest younger brother and stepbrother both got new rifles from my grandparents on Christmas Eve, and my other younger brother received a Taurus Judge and my mother a Kimber 9mm this morning. I joked that if I had known we were doing handguns for Christmas, I would have asked for my own personal favorite, the Beretta 92.

Rei Malebario
Rei Malebario
1 year ago

Booze is practically the centerpiece of my family Christmas. We don’t give gifts, we don’t have a tree. It’s just me, my brother and our parents having a few GnT’s and a meal and then sharing a bottle of whiskey. It’s lovely.

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
1 year ago

Wow, 11 cartons of Lucky Strikes for Christmas. In today’s dollars that would run you anywhere from 500 – 800 bucks, depending on what state you buy them in.

… oh… my… goodness….

I hadn’t added up the co$t of $moking cigarette$ for quite a while…. I quit when yellow brand (generic) cigarettes hit $1.25 a pack. My son quit about a year ago, he mentioned to me one day that he was amazed how much more money he has now.

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
1 year ago

In the “Whole family gets a gun!” image, I like the fact that the mother is wearing a khaki shirt and that the placement of the white-and-red numberal sort of makes it look like she’s wearing a Nazi armband at first glance.

Katamount
Katamount
1 year ago

Terrifying thought: how many murders were carried out with Christmas gift firearms?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Freemage
Freemage
1 year ago

So, random bits:

Schlitz guy is awfully… prissy for a dude evading decorating to go drink beer. I mean, that hand position is more suited for High Tea.

I see no reason to comment on the difference between mayo and Miracle Whip. They’re both foul, just in different ways. (I used to be less vocal about this, but for some reason, restaurants are incapable of using just a dab of either–if they put it on at all, it’s this giant glob that overwhelms the whole sandwich.)

That said, that recipe is truly terrifying.

Tabby Lavalamp:

Actually, if you go back far enough, you’ll see surprisingly similar ads for various patent medicines that were just some sort of delivery system for cocaine or heroin.

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The “Soothing Syrup” contained 65 mg of morphine.

(I hope those image links work.)

Bina
1 year ago

Ah, heroin made by the Bayer dyeworks from way back when…good times. Hard to believe that the stuff was once marketed as a cure for morphine addiction, but it was. Just…not for very long.

Yes, I’m sure that cocaine was an instant cure for just about everything, too. Including life itself, if you took enough all at once.

Fun side note: Tallulah Bankhead’s last words were reportedly “Codeine…bourbon…” I’m guessing those were also the last things she ingested.

bluecat
bluecat
1 year ago

Mr Bluecat recalls an uncle of his who could never quite keep track of what age his nephew was, meaning he got a teddybear for Christmas of his 15th year, and a .22 for his eighth.

Mind you, he did spend a lot of time in a house his grandfather had made out of railway sleepers, with a secret gun cupboard (referred to as “The H’arsenal) and all the points knocked off the knives…

I hope everyone had a cool and refreshing Yule.

V
V
1 year ago

“Where can you even find myrrh anyway?”
At an Orthodox Christian Church store? That’s where it’s normally sold. At least that’s where I buy it from; not for religious reasons but because it smells nice.