Categories
'bating bad science irony alert men who should not ever be with imaginary women ever misogyny NoFap penises playing the victim reddit sex

When you jerk off, you’re literally schtupping a sex demon, Christian NoFapper explains

The Devil made me jerk it

By David Futrelle

The NoFap movement has always been home to a certain amount of mystical woo.

Browsing through the NoFap subreddit — where self-described “fapstronauts” share advice and inspiration to help one another refrain from wanking it on the regular — you’ll find people not only touting the supposed health benefits of Not Fapping but also talking about the almost magical power of “semen retention,” said to transform ordinary wankers into sexy, irresistible geniuses.

But this sort of talk is pretty tame indeed compared to what goes on in the NoFapChristians subreddit, where the battle against wanking is seen as a part of the larger fight against Satan himself, and where talk about the alleged “demonic” power is often meant quite literally.

When we masturbate, a Christian fapstronaut called wsba910am tells us, “we are all having sex with demons.” And in his mind this is no mere metaphor.

It feels like a simple urge. It feels like some kind of harmless feeling. Then it takes control, and we’re an obedient slave to it. Think of the last time you masturbated but didn’t have porn. Heard any voices that weren’t there, like a woman moaning?

Er, what? Sometimes I hear my neighbors having sex. But I definitely haven’t heard any sex ghosts. Are you sure you aren’t just having phone sex, dude?

Felt something against your heart or your body that aroused you? A pull?

A pull? That might just be your own hand, dude.

What about when you watch porn? It’s a 2-dimensional screen. So, why are you turned on by it? Why do you think you’re having sex with this woman, while you’re really just touching yourself? Is it really fantasy, or is it a reality that we just choose to ignore?

I’m going to go with “fantasy,” but that’s not the answer wsba910am is looking for.

I mean, we’re all Christian. We all at least pretend that there’s a spooky devil out there trying to get us. But what if it’s really true? … Think about it: When you’re masturbating, is it really your highest and most aware/thoughtful self playing with your hand down there? Or is your brain turned off in a sense, and it’s something else that’s taken over?

Your brain is definitely working. Researchers have literally run fMRIs on people as they masturbate and tracked the parts of the brain that light up.

But again, that’s not what wsba910am wants you to think.

These are evil spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, incubi and succubi that prey on our desires for connection and validated sexuality, and they entice us through an addiction to cheap pleasures that we can get without having to risk any hurt by connecting to a real person.

Incubus Succubus? That’s one of my all-time favorite songs!

You are letting a spiritual demonic whore fornicate with you.

And she shall be known as “Rosy Palm and her five sisters!”

The enemy and his agents (sometimes teachers, parents, relatives, peers, exes, etc.) will hurt you and blame God as the evil one, but these are lies. All you have to do is think. Did Satan make the penis?

Well, to be fair, he might have made this one. (NSFW link, obviously.)

God is on our side. Trust him.

It’s the enemy who is trying to sleep with you and trick you into thinking that it’s all you.  … wake up.

tl:dr: Don’t wank yourself into hell.

In a follow-up comment, wsba910am offers some more thoughts on the evil spirits that keep putting the moves on him while he tries to get to sleep.

I’ve been for 5 years afraid of … admitting there’s anything demonic in my life. But the effects are obvious, both for good and evil. When we have sex with these imaginary women, we are letting bad spirits f**k us. 

Uh oh.

Is there a possibility that the voice you hear in your head, that the feelings that wash over you when you are being remotely aroused (i.e. not with a woman, or not even sometimes near a computer), that this is a spirit that is trying to sleep with you? … What if … this temptation was a pull from demonic sources?

Damn, dude, how fucking horny are you anyway?

It dawned on me the other night while I was lying down that there was something ‘on’ me. … what if there was some spirit that would try to sleep with me when I was trying to fall asleep? I mean, it’s not like a person who crawls into bed with you. It’s not that obvious. But there is still something there, that washes over me, that overtakes common sense and reality – the reality that it’s just me in my bed and not very romantic.

Dude, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be popping boners quite so frequently if you maybe … masturbated once in a while?

Just playing devil’s advocate here.

We Hunted the Mammoth is independent and ad-free, and relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

52 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
1 year ago

@personalpest:

Dot press? Dot press?

You kids and your top-level domains. Why, back in my day we made do with dot com, dot org, dot net, dot edu, dot gov, dot mil, and a handful of country codes, dagnabbit!

🙂

Some Guy
Some Guy
1 year ago

When you ejaculate alone, you ejaculate WITH SATAN!