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Where all the dicks are below average: Incels break new ground in penis math

Does he have Biggus Dickus Energy?

By David Futrelle

The incel community is the only place I know of where having a small dick gives you bragging rights. Amongst the so-called involuntary celibate, dudes can gain a certain backwards prestige by presenting themselves as the most hopeless of the bunch, the kind of guy that’s the least likely to ever score with a human female.

And what is more unattractive to a woman, these guys figure, than a guy with a tiny dick? (Don’t bother answering, ladies; these guys aren’t interested in data that doesn’t come from their own asses.)

But the incel community’s weird fetishization of smaller-than-average dicks creates problems for incels with dicks average or even slightly above average-sized. If your dick is just a regular dick, after all, that removes one big excuse for why the ladies don’t want to have anything to do with you.

The solution? Pretend that normal-sized dicks (that is, dicks in the vicinity of 5.17 inches in length, according to SCIENCE) are small dicks … compared to the huge dicks that incels are convinced most ladies see in the flesh on an almost daily basis.

Call it Incel Penis Math. Here’s an explanation, from one of the most prolific posters on the Incels.is forums:

A 7 inch penis is small to women because they only fuck chad/tyrone Thread startermylifeistrash Start dateSunday at 3:49 AM mylifeistrash mylifeistrash Overlord - Sunday at 3:49 AM#1 statistically, only 5% or less of men have a real 7 inch penis. And statistically, most women will never experience a penis under 7' inches because they only fuck top tier men. So yeah, a penis that is still statistically a "big dick" is still tiny to women.

Er, dudes, you know that unless he’s got a full-grown Robert Plant in his pants, women can’t actually tell how big a dude’s dick is before his pants come off? And only a tiny percentage of men have dicks seven inches or longer — it’s closer to 2 percent than to the 5 percent Mr. Mylifeistrash claims.

And guess what? It doesn’t even matter. The overwhelming majority of women who have sex with men are happy with their partners’ penis size, though statistically speaking roughly half of these men have penises that are smaller than average. Trans men who don’t get bottom surgery — and that’s most of them — literally have no penises at all, yet they have sex.

There haven’t been any studies on this that I know of, but I feel fairly confident that most (straight and bi) women would much rather have sex with a guy with a tiny dick (or no dick) than with the sort of guy who goes around getting mad because he thinks women only have sex with “Chads” and “Tyrones” (gotta love that incel racism) with dicks bigger than Biggus Dickus.

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Monzach
Monzach
5 years ago

Nice Lake Wobegon reference in the title, David! 😀

And that’s the only nice thing about this article. As an owner/operator of a pen15 I can assure any lurking incels on here that I’ve never had any complaints from women about mine. And no, it’s nothing spectacular to look at, even if I do say so myself. Although I haven’t “known anyone in the biblical sense” in over 14 years at this point, so what do I know?

Monday Middlemarch
Monday Middlemarch
5 years ago

This is why young men should not look at porn as if it’s a documentary or an instruction manual. They have a warped sense of sexuality which just feeds into their messed up world view. In my experience, a man with an average or smaller than average penis is more motivated to actually please a woman. You can have a huge dick but if you don’t do anything else but jackhammer the lady, she’s gonna get real bored with you real quick. Young men (or older ones for that matter) should NOT compare themselves to porn actors. Most porn actors are hired for size the way female models are hired for height.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
5 years ago

It ain’t the meat; it’s the motion. Or more precisely, it’s the EMOTION.

As always, there are words of wisdom from Ivanova to point us in the right direction:

“All I can say is that enthusiasm, sincerity, genuine compassion, and humor can carry you through any … lack of … prior experience with .. high numerical value.”

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

I’ve got to say, I have no idea how many inches any of the penises I’ve touched are. Don’t really care.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

These guys could always avail themselves of a strap-on if they seriously believed more inches would help. Or they could just learn some compensatory sexual techniques; there are whole books out there on the subject. But nooooooo, they prefer to be miserable.

I’m just gonna come on out and say their misery isn’t on us femoids, but on THEM.

Nentuaby
Nentuaby
5 years ago

Bina: I’m pretty sure they’d consider using a strapon or even a couple of fingers to be, somehow, cuckolding themselves.

Moggie
Moggie
5 years ago

Do you want Walter? Because this is how you get Walter.

I doubt many women are whipping out a tape measure at the crucial time, so, of those who talk about dick size, I’d guess a lot of them are simply relaying what they are told by the penis-havers in question. And such self-reports have a tendency to be… optimistic?

Steven I Dutch
Steven I Dutch
5 years ago

I loved National Lampoon’s book, “The Job of Sex.” In response to a question how big the average penis was, they said an inch or so either side of thirteen inches, but with an understanding partner, even men with ten inch penises could have sex.

And all the guys insecure in that department shriveled up and died.

AuntieMameRedux
AuntieMameRedux
5 years ago

I don’t suppose it would help to point out that pene size is more of a male obsession than a female one in my experience? Honestly most fall into some version of average and as others have pointed out, it isn’t the most important thing by far. The chemistry between the two people is the most important factor to me.

There really isn’t a correlation between penis size and good lover. The same way there isn’t a correlation between wrist size and anything as far as I can tell.

Edited to add: most women would shudder and not in the good way about the idea of a 10 inch penis, much less a 13 inch one.

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
5 years ago

I’ve always been given to understand that girth is much more of a consideration than length, especially since most women, I’m told, don’t actually enjoy having their cervixes clobbered. Not that I expect these idiots to care about that, but I’m still always a bit amazed at how they only take one dimension into consideration.

I imagine this article would cause their tiny, Trump-hand-sized brains to explode: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/dec/07/my-life-in-sex-enormous-penis

@Bina

These guys could always avail themselves of a strap-on if they seriously believed more inches would help.

I’m reminded of the anecdote in The Happy Hooker of the client who insisted on turning the lights off. It is eventually revealed that that’s exactly what’s he’s doing.

Tovius
Tovius
5 years ago

@Moggie
It’s been forever since I thought about that sad little mushroom.

Walter, wherever you are, please stay there.

Podkayne Lives
Podkayne Lives
5 years ago

So the theory is that most women will only ever have sex with the largest-dicked 5% or less of the male population. These guys have large dicks, good wrists, nice canthal tilt, and are over six feet, all of them, and are swimming in girls. They must be, since I don’t know what tiny percent of the population fills all those requirements.

And I’ve seen enough from these guys to know that all women can get laid by these remarkable Chads.

What I don’t get is how they even think this WORKS. They must notice that…most of the men of their acquaintance have had sex. With a lady, as Monty Python so helpfully clarified. Many of them with more than one.

They must have fathers, brothers, uncles, next-door neighbors, who are dating or married. They must notice that a fair number of these dudes are short, droopy-eyed, and have only an average pantsbulge, and yet, women appear to seek their company, and have sex with them on purpose. They must see that the guy at work, short and boring as he is, is on his second marriage.

Or do they just flip into what seems to be the other dominant mode–these women, having fucked the magical Chad’n’Tyrone carousel, are just turning to dad, brother, etc. for ‘beta bux’, a fate that incels would rather die virgins than contemplate?

It makes no damn sense.

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
5 years ago

It makes no damn sense.

WE HAVE A WINNER!!!

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Walter, wherever you are, please stay there.

SHH! Don’t say his name out loud a third time, or else he’ll spontaneously appear in the thread.

Statistically, if you spend 100% of your time comparing yourself to Chad and obsessing over his huge cock, anything under 7″ is going to seem tiny.

Statistically, 256% of men who obsess about dick size have a boring, mechanical approach to sex.

Priscilla Poopalot
Priscilla Poopalot
5 years ago

Incels love numbers, so why don’t they study female orgasm? About 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone — that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue. So, although we think dicks are nice, they are not even essential to sex for vast majority of women. When my bf wants me to get naughty thoughts in a public place, he sneakily shows me his tongue. Not his dick. Just a hint 😀
.
.
.
.
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But I doubt that incels even know what a clit is, let alone what to do with it.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
5 years ago

These guys don’t even try.

They don’t try working out, they don’t try learning to make small talk, they don’t try improving their diet, they don’t try braces, they don’t try a new haircut, they don’t try changing their socks every day, they don’t try a Meet-Up group.

Also, they don’t ask for advice.

They don’t ask their sisters what women like, they don’t ask their mothers or their aunts or their next-door neighbors.

Consequently, they learn nothing.

And if they continue on this path, they will be lonely forever. I’m pretty sure that life as a 50-year-old incel is even worse than life as a 19-year-old incel. There are no more self-deprecating, hateful jokes left to tell. Nothing’s funny anymore.

When you’re vicious, life’s a drag.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
5 years ago

One of Kurt Vonnegut’s stories makes reference to an alien invasion. The aliens’ scheme involves taking over a cereal company. They then publish ‘fascinating facts’ on the cereal boxes. But those facts are designed to demoralise humanity. So one of them is to give ‘average penis size’ but with exaggerated figures. After a few months of this, humans feel so inadequate that when the aliens arrive the humans just let them take over the Earth.

Jo
Jo
5 years ago

Firstly, inches? That’s some American thing isn’t it? For the sake of readers in counties with sane measurements, can you give lengths in metric as well please?

Since we now learn that Chad has a huge penis. I’m wondering about tall, handsome, charming men who have average sized penises. Do they not become Chads? Do they hide away in shame?

Most porn actors are hired for size

There was a website which went into huge detail about average penis size and how most big dicks in porn were greatly exaggerated by camera tricks etc. I’ll look it out.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
5 years ago

@Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Statistically, 256% of men who obsess about dick size have a boring, mechanical approach to sex.

Your figures are off. Of those men who dwell on the size of their penis, 256% of them self-report that they have a “boring,” “mechanical” approach to sex.

When the partners of these guys who brood about their dick size/their place in the patriarchy are interviewed, close to 1300% of them report that these men are “boring,” “mechanical” sex partners. Also, “no fun,” “tedious,” and “dull” were commonly used to describe these guys.

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy

@Kat,

When you’re vicious, life’s a drag.

This reminds me of a tweet from a few months back, from the incomparable Julius Goat:

comment image

Seriously, this guy is like an avenging angel, and I’m an atheist. If you’re on Twitter (whether tweeting or lurking), you should follow him.

sly fawkes
5 years ago

Forget Chad and Tyrone! They aren’t nearly well endowed enough! I only go for men with names like Biggus Dickus and Dongus Longus, because only they have a sizeable enough member!
Do these guys ever stop and listen to themselves?

Dvärghundspossen
5 years ago

I actually read a little anonymous story in the Guardian a while ago by a guy with a huge dick (they have those little anonymous sex and relationship stories regularly). He wrote that so many guys have this idea that having a huge dick is great and is gonna fill you with confidence, but he had mostly felt really awkward and anxious about his when younger.

He said he was married and had a great sex life with his wife, but it was like 99 % non-penetrative sex, like oral and petting. Occasionally they liked to actually have intercourse, but it was a whole project, where she’d warm up with vibrators of increasing size and have initial orgasms to fully relax, and then they could do it.

I don’t think he explicitly said, but I got the impression he’d never had intercourse with anyone but his wife…

But yeah, as I’ve said before, the vagina is stretchy but it’s no Tardis. There is such a thing as bigger than is practical.

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
5 years ago
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
5 years ago

… oops, I’m sorry…. I wasn’t thinking, I just posted that without realizing that it proves the gynocracy really IS taking over the country from the poor puny-penised menz….

🙁

… hope the incels-migtow-mras don’t see it….

(/s)

bluecat
bluecat
5 years ago

Great pic of the sadly missed Graham Chapman, showing off his rather fine legs. Ta for that, David.

Ugh, these guys.

I can’t claim my experience is statistically significant, though it’s certainly been varied, but in terms of PiV sex, too large is a definite thing. Too large for comfort, let alone pleasure.

Too small I have never discovered.

The too large chap was a sweetheart, but in no way would he have qualified to these dudes as a Chad.

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