By David Futrelle
Over on the Incels.is forum, they’re always coming up with new excuses to be angry at women. The most ingenious one I’ve seen in a long time comes from a regular forum commenter calling himself Sparrow’s Song, who seems to have uncovered a heretofore unknown form of discrimination against incels, based on their farts.
Apparently, you see, the contemporary female — or femoid, in the incel patois — actually enjoys it when a handsome Chad farts in her presence, hating farts only when they come from ugly incels and other undesirable men. Sparrow’s Song explains:
When Chad farts around hot babes, they discreetly smell his fart to figure out what food he ate so they can get an estimate of what his semen tastes like.
Yes, this is a totally normal thing that women do, because they’ve all memorized the fart-smell/semen-flavor conversion charts that can be found on the back cover of every women’s magazine.
But when a incel lets it rip in the presence of the very same hot babes, Sparrow’s Song declares, they are likely to launch into a conversation much like this one he has imagined in his head:
Becky: Eww, what a creeper!
Stacy: Like who farts around goddesses like us? What a facially despicable fool!
Clearly Sparrow’s Song is a keen observer of how normal earth humans communicate.
Becky: It’s soo gross! Where is Chad? I need him to come get this creep away from us!
Stacy: He busy being Chad (fucking Roastina).
When Chad isn’t farting, he’s apparently fucking. It’s a simple but fulfilling lifestyle.
Becky: Right! OMG this ugly guy’s fart smell like the corpses of rotten children. I think he’s a he’s a cannibal pedophile.
Honestly, given the horrible things I’ve found on Incels.is — and the significant percentage of incels who seem utterly obsessed with 14-year-old virgins — Becky may be on to something here.
Stacy: LoL, you would know from all those abortions you had girlfriend! hahahah
Becky:Teeheehee
I’m not sure what exactly Sparrow’s Song thinks goes on when women get abortions.
Stacy:You’re right though, he has a pedophile face, you can tell by the asymmetry and lack of a strong jawline.
The only people in the world who talk or think like this are incels and other weirdo manospherans.
Becky:I saw this crime show on TV where these hot detectives captured a creepy guy’s fart in a bottle to test it for human remains, we should alert the authorities before he claims another victim, I can tell by his unattractive face that he’s a psychopath who’s out for blood and craves children.
Law and Order: Special Fart Unit
Stacy: Good idea, us beautiful people sure know how to fight baddies and make the world a better place for everyone! Even if this guy is innocent, he’s ugly as fuck so that’s guilty enough, fuck that asshole, who cares if we ruin his life. Besides, with a face like that, it’s not a matter of if you’re a pedophile but when. We’re doing our community a favor.
And scene!
These guys really need to find a better hobby.
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You know, usually when you write self-insert fanfiction, all the characters are supposed to think you’re great.
Well, this column was hilarious–at first. But then Sparrow’s Song had to bring incels’ persecution complex (arrested for farting?) and pedophilia obsession (if an ugly guy farts, he’s a child killer?) into it. Manospherians: They can ruin anything, even fart jokes!
Welp, erm, that’s whatever that was for you
Poe’s law notwithstanding, I didn’t actually believe that this could have been a serious post, and that the user must have been trolling. Nope: they’ve got a long and unpleasant posting history on that forum. This truly is what incels really believe.
(also, TIL that anal sex was invented by evil jews to corrupt you, because apparently it isn’t possible to merely hate women these days without also being a goddamn nazi. the illuminati eye–in-the-pyramid thing? represents an asshole, apparently. thanks, incels! surrealest fucking conspiracy theory ever)
(thinks) Weren’t they talking about pussy farts (sic) just a few posts back? Yes. Yes, they were. ?♂
I. Can’t. Even.
I was just like “WTF this is ridiculous” up until the stuff about beautiful vs. ugly people. If you think being an ugly man is hard, try being an ugly woman, ya fookin’ asshole. Or a woman of a race/ethnicity whose appearance is fetishized, demonized, or both. These pigs know nothing.
Edit: @Pie holy moly 🙁
See, Chad is a vegetarian, so his farts are wholesome barnyard fare, while asymmetric face guy eats meat, so his nether eructations are like Satan’s own charnel house.
OK, so my translation of this to some form of reality goes as follows:
1) This incel loudly farted in a woman’s presence once, and got a dirty look, possibly because it clearly wasn’t an accidental fart but a rather ghastly form of manspreading;
2) He once witnessed a woman giggle when her boyfriend farted;
3) Being an incel, it did not occur to him that she may have laughed at her boyfriend instead of giving him a dirty look because sometimes, farts are funny, and some people forgive those they love for that sort of thing;
4) Incel logic takes over: the giggle proves discrimination on the part of all women. Plus, because the world is black and white, there are only two possible reactions to anything, liking it or not liking it. Therefore, since she didn’t scowl, the second woman clearly enjoyed her boyfriend’s fart, for its own sake. The giggle demonstrated pleasure in the fart itself, as opposed to amusement at the situation. If she’d been giggling because his shoelaces kept coming untied and he kept tripping over them, it would have proved that all women like men with untied shoes (and therefore are evil bitches who want men to fall flat on their faces).
Or something like that.
To me, the best part of this is, you know this guy would never forgive a woman for farting in his presence. Men who get outraged by the mere thought of women having bodily functions have no room to whine about being judged for their farts.
I’m surprised they’re ok with using pedophile as an insult considering how many of them are actual pedophiles.
Again with the jawline and facial symmetry fixation.
Also, Roastina sounds like a decent drag name.
I wonder how the incels react to the idea that Steve Buscemi is rich and famous despite the fact that the lower half of his face honestly kinda looks like it’s melting?
This reminds me of the (first) MST3K movie. Except someone watched it and didn’t get the humour.
@Cat Mara: well the thing is, patriarchy/conservatism actually does teach people that you can tell a sex predator by sight. Remember that guy a while ago who made news for going public with spittle-flying fury at being blind-invited to an all-genders, voluntary consent course at college? His tagline was “this is not what a rapist looks like”. That made the media go fucking bananas. So yeah, a lot people, not just incels, do literally think you can spot a rapist or pedophile by the look of their face.
Which is not only absurd, but the connotations are blatantly racist & ableist.
Yet another case for how the manosphere is a springboard for nazism.
@WWTH: Yup, as the sickening lack of enough dislikes on the “poopouri” youtube ad that is literally titled “girls don’t poo”, proves
I wonder how many of those weird incel complaints are really them airing out their fetishes and uh projecting them onto others?
I’d find this significantly funnier if it didn’t veer off into “women will falsely accuse you and ruin your life just for farting ! [subtext] therefore it is justifiable to act preemptively in self defense as all women are literally threats to your life[/subtext]” territory at the end there.
Though I suppose expecting incels not to veer off into ludicrous extremism is like expecting the sun not the rise in the east.
@Button:
With regards to horrible self-inserts, I’m oddly reminded of “Better Than Life” from Red Dwarf; where they are eventually saved by the fact that Rimmer hates himself so much that a virtual world created from his own subconscious desires ends up being such a horrible place they all want to get out.
That said, horrible petty person that he was, Rimmer still had more self-awareness than most of these smegheads.
@ Jenora
Cf the Cat’s attitude.
“Didn’t you wonder why you suddenly had a castle and a life of decadent opulence?”
“I just assumed I deserved it.”
@Alan
All cats deserve everything, especially cool dancing Cats.
Incels are real fart smellers…er, smart fellers…oh, who’m I kidding. They totally huff intestinal gases. And then, while high on the fumes, they come up with this crap.
And that’s why we refuse to let them near our asses.
Also:
http://i.imgur.com/vrP0TDX.jpg
^totally an incel
@decagon:
Uh…ALL of them? I’m going with that one.
@Robert:
Or a moderately-priced line of oven-safe cookware.
TIL chatbot can write incel fanfic.
No one disillusion me, please.
@Talonknife:
Probably by ignoring the part where Buscemi is a talented and hardworking actor and, from what I’ve heard, a pretty decent person? That, or they decide the fact he’s been married to the same woman since the 1980s is a sign he’s a miserable boring beta-cuck and gloat over his supposed misery?
Another awesome article from David! This one made my day! Hilarious!
About these incels with their “looks” obsession. The fact that a jerk like Elliot Rodger existed would put the kibosh on their “I’m an incel because I’m ugly” gibberish.
Rodger was a “pretty boy” from a wealthy background but STILL couldn’t get a gal. Therefore; Looks alone are meaningless.
These guys never consider that fact.
@Moggie
I just had a vegetarian dinner with a healthy amount of cabbage and eggs. I doubt the resulting farts will be very wholesome.
What the fuck did I just read?