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The stank air of your tight pocket: The most romantic DM ever?

Message of love

By David Futrelle

We live in a dark, cynical world, and so it’s nice sometimes to be reminded that there are still decent, considerate people around.

Then there are dudes like the one who sent this DM:

I have so many questions about this, but perhaps the most pressing one is: Why on earth did this guy capitalize the word “Brim?”

I mean, seriously, dude, no woman is going to go for a guy who can’t control his shift key.

H/T — r/badwomensanatomy

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jsrtheta
jsrtheta
2 years ago

Perhaps a clue? There used to be a brand of coffee named Brim. The slogan was “Fill it to the rim with Brim!”

Otherwise, I got nothing.

Chris Oakley
2 years ago

Clearly this guy isn’t a Rhodes scholar.

zesty
zesty
2 years ago

EWWWWW! > _ <

Meteor
2 years ago

Yipes.

BlueNinja
BlueNinja
2 years ago

Is this an excerpt from his fanfic? lol

Also, how is “qnd” pronounced exactly?

Nequam
Nequam
2 years ago

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A. Aaron
A. Aaron
2 years ago

Clearly a joke. Who starts a sext with “I want you to cringe” then adds in farts? It’s clearly meant to be crude.

kupo
kupo
2 years ago

More evidence that these kinds of DMs are not about attempting to seduce, but as a way to assert control over women by forcing a sexual conversation on them with the goal being to make the recipient uncomfortable.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
2 years ago

I only have one thing to say:
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Cat Mara
Cat Mara
2 years ago

What did I just read?! 😨

Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
2 years ago

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weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Virgin sluthole?

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Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
2 years ago

@weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
You see all vaginas are slutholes by default, the pronoun “virgin” denotes that her hole is unused by his or other men’s penises /assfacts

Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
2 years ago

They haven’t yet figured out that words mean things and aren’t just decorations.

Hexum7
Hexum7
2 years ago

So, now they think virgins…smell bad?!?

Goo

Z&T
Z&T
2 years ago

Fill it to the rim! With Brim?

kupo
kupo
2 years ago

@Jes
If words are decorations, that message was the interior of a TGI Friday’s.

Michael Suttkus, II
Michael Suttkus, II
2 years ago

I’m guessing that the DM here doesn’t stand for Dungeon Master or decimeter. So, what?

Though if it does stand for Dungeon Master, I’m not joining his game.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
2 years ago

There needs to be a Poe’s corollary for when you can’t tell whether someone is having sex or cutting up ravioli.

Kobun37
Kobun37
2 years ago

Pussy farts? Do these idiots think the vagina is filled with air?

Ivory Bill Woodpecker
Ivory Bill Woodpecker
2 years ago

“Dear” DM:

Your dumb has broken the Woody. I hope you’re satisfied.

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(Actually, I’m lying. I have zero fucks to give regarding your ever being satisfied.)

Charlie So-and-So
Charlie So-and-So
2 years ago

Who the fuck wrote this, a particularly thirsty chatbot?

Jane Done
Jane Done
2 years ago

@Michael: DM means direct message, which replaced PM (private message)

Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
2 years ago

@kupo

I was thinking truck stop bathroom.

epitome of incomprehensibility

I want you to cringe as (etc)

Um, I think I achieved the cringing part even without the sex.

Bina
2 years ago

Well, cringe achieved. Unfortunately, that’s NOT the reaction of a satisfied sexual partner.

I’ve got a feeling that whoever this was addressed to stayed virginal, at least as far as this guy is concerned.

FelineFinethePunLioness
FelineFinethePunLioness
2 years ago

To be fair he has made me cringe
I mean look at this sexy masterpiece its so hot I’m freezing

SpukiKitty
SpukiKitty
2 years ago

The lyrics to Weird Al Yankovic’s spoof of both Prince and cheesy pick-up lines, “Wanna B Ur Lovr”….
http://weirdal.wikia.com/wiki/Wanna_B_Ur_Lovr
….are waaaaaaayyyyyyy sexier and hotter than THIS!

This; However….Would only be sexy if you were a Vogon but even Vogon poetry isn’t as gross and/or ridiculous as this!

What’s with this guy? Is this some sick satire of “erotic sexy talk” made to sound as revolting as possible?

Is he trying to be the second coming of James Joyce in regards to weird, fetishy “love notes” (I’m not fetish-shaming, mind you. If consenting people enjoy farts, to each their own)?

Viscaria
Viscaria
2 years ago

He’s imagining penetrating this person and simultaneously inhaling their “pussy farts.” How would his face be so close to his crotch? Is this some sort of armadillo man?

Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
2 years ago

That’s a good point. I think this guy makes Vogon poetry look good, and that in itself is quite disturbing.

SpukiKitty
SpukiKitty
2 years ago

Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
November 11, 2018 at 10:59 pm

That’s a good point. I think this guy makes Vogon poetry look good, and that in itself is quite disturbing.

I barely know a thing about that Hitchhikers show but I know enough from web-surfing about the meme concerning Vogon poetry.

I agree that this would be torture for a Vogon.

I also love your userpic. KITTY!

Jane Done
Jane Done
2 years ago

Technically, Vogon poetry is the second worst thing in the universe any living being could ever endure.

The worst is a certain type of human poetry (the author references an obscure poet in the book from what I recall, I read hitchhikers like 15 years ago). Case in point, see above.

That’s why earth is considered “mostly” harmless. Harmless, outside of certain ear-bleeding, mind-melting human poetry.

Hu’s On First
Hu’s On First
2 years ago

If you want some more Vogon poetry, check this out.

https://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Mountin_Maid

300 lines of doggerel from a horny cult leader about why God wants women to bare their breasts.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

@Jane Done, Vogon poetry is the third worst. The worst depends on whether you listened to the original broadcast, where it’s Paul Neil Milne Johnstone, who was a real poet, or Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings, after Johnstone objected.

Violet the Vile, Moonbat Screech Junky
Violet the Vile, Moonbat Screech Junky
2 years ago

someone programmed their neural network to generate porn, right?

personally, I preferred the pick up lines http://aiweirdness.com/post/159302925452/the-neural-network-generated-pickup-lines-that-are

Kevin
Kevin
2 years ago

@ Kobun37

Vaginal flatulence is a thing, though I’d rather not go into further detail. I’m still reeling from how far the author of the DM lowered the tone of things already.

Knitting Cat Lady
Knitting Cat Lady
2 years ago

So. A vagina is only tight if the person who owns it is tense.

Good foreplay with good stimulation, a trusted partner who listens and active participation of the person with the vagina will loosen up everything down there.

And make a much more enjoyable experience for everyone involved.

In other words: Men, if you’re penetrating someone and their vagina is tight you’re doing it wrong!

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
2 years ago

@Moggie: I didn’t know that, about Hitchhiker’s Guide. Interesting. I had to go Wiki it.

@Z&T:. Those old ads are so sunny and cheery. I wish we could have a return to those days, in that respect.

Commercials -at least in the US – used to appeal to the common man and woman. Now, they’ve got to be all edgy and ironic. Does no one ever play it straight, these days?

But I digress.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

@Dormousing_it:

I didn’t know that, about Hitchhiker’s Guide. Interesting. I had to go Wiki it.

I listened to HHGTTG when it was first broadcast, and I remember becoming unreasonably upset when they later changed that line. They had sullied the perfection of the original series! In my defence, I was young. And stupid.

Jane Done
Jane Done
2 years ago

@Knitting Cat Lady: fact-based, science-based female anatomy doesn’t real for basically any guy right of left. Instead, whatever some dude makes up is how the woman’s body actually works.

Catalpa
Catalpa
2 years ago

Since this dude used all the other euphemisms so horrendously, I chose to believe that this passage doesn’t refer to sex at all and is instead describing some kind of weird new oil drilling technology. That involves farting cats.

Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
2 years ago

I have mp3s of the broadcast version. I think they’re due for another listen soon!

Robert
Robert
2 years ago

Hu’s On First – I clicked the link. Oh sweet Christmas would that I had not.

In 1767, Edward Jerningham wrote “Il Latte”, a poetic exhortation in twenty five quatrains, supporting the practice of mothers nursing their children at their own breasts. This is far beyond that in sheer mammolatry.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
2 years ago

You can want whatever you want, DM writer. That won’t make it happen.

You can pretend to exert your power with your rapey talk. That won’t make it real.

And if you actually carry out — or even attempt to carry out — your rapey fantasy, there is some chance that you’ll end up in prison.

That would be so sad! Boo-hoo!

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
2 years ago

DM writer, I forgot to mention that vaginal flatulence doesn’t involve any odor — not unless the owner of that vagina has a serious medical issue. It’s just an expulsion of air.

Think about it: the vagina is not the anus.

I hate to disappoint you, but no “stank air” is involved.

Marshmallow Stacey Maximal (formerly bluecat)
Marshmallow Stacey Maximal (formerly bluecat)
2 years ago

I wonder if this guy is actually basing the description on his personal experience with rubber blow-up dolls, rather than actual humans.

I would guess that their “tight pockets” would squeak and fart much as balloons do. Also that they might get a bit rancid if not cleaned carefully between, um, usage – and somehow I can’t envisage the writer of that, uh, screed, as a hygiene fanatic.

Come to think, I wonder if that’s not also where the cuck obsessives get their strange idea that semen stays in for years after the sex has been had… because with a rubber lover, it would do.

I mean, ewwww obviously, but less so than the idea of them getting into it with a sentient being.

All the writer has added in order to imagine the involvement of an actual woman is to get off on the idea of how much it will hurt her…. so better stick to the rubber, so to speak.

James Hutchings
2 years ago

I wish this had never pentetrated my tight virgin brainhole.

SpukiKitty
SpukiKitty
2 years ago

Viscaria
November 11, 2018 at 10:57 pm

He’s imagining penetrating this person and simultaneously inhaling their “pussy farts.” How would his face be so close to his crotch? Is this some sort of armadillo man?

Catalpa
November 12, 2018 at 5:16 pm

Since this dude used all the other euphemisms so horrendously, I chose to believe that this passage doesn’t refer to sex at all and is instead describing some kind of weird new oil drilling technology. That involves farting cats.

The greatness of your posts cannot bee praised enough and LAUGHTER is best medicine against “Vogon Erotic Poetry”.

SpukiKitty
SpukiKitty
2 years ago

@Marshmallow Stacey Maximal (formerly bluecat)

That explains EVERYTHING about these guys and their weird ideas about sexual anatomy, biology and function!

Pagan Reader - Misandrist Spinster
Pagan Reader - Misandrist Spinster
2 years ago

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