By David Futrelle
So yesterday I learned a phrase I sort of wish I could unlearn. It’s “Cup of Hermes,” a term apparently originating in alchemy that has been taken up by practitioners of Sex Magick and the anti-masturbation NoFap movement. If you think for a moment I suspect you’ll be able to figure out what this particular metaphorical cup is supposed to hold, if you haven’t already.
Apparently it’s important to keep the Cup of Hermes very full and to never (well, hardly ever) spill its contents willy nilly all over the metaphorical ground, because doing so robs Cup-of-Hermes-holders of much of their sexy sex power.
If all this talk of sexy sex liquid hasn’t yet ruined your dinner (or whatever meal you may be eating or thinking of eating right now), maybe these musings on the subject from a random dude in the NoFap subreddit will. (Click for a lager version of the screenshot.)
Hey, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
But, penis people, seriously, your spooge is not magic, or Magick. Regular masturbation is both entertaining and healthy, and can reduce your risk of prostate cancer. You don’t get magic powers if you hoard your, er, Hermes-goo in your, er, cup.
Also, please stop using the word “cup” in the same sentence as “semen” and its synonyms. Even those who are big fans of semen, sexually speaking (and there’s nothing wrong with that!) don’t want to think about cups of the stuff left around the house like cups of tea you forgot to finish.
Still, the Cup of Hermes isn’t even the worst bit of semen-related nomenclature I’ve ever run across. No, that distinction would have to go to this:
https://twitter.com/scvlly/status/1038814437258534914
You’re welcome.
We Hunted the Mammoth relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!
Dude ranch.
Dude ranch!!!!
Sadly this has little cultural relevance where I live now. And no one in my house likes creamy sauce.
…except for the dude ranch, of course.
…Fapstronauts?
In the words of a WaPo article from a few years ago: “Ranch Dressing Is What’s Wrong With America.”. People are dunking their pizza in it, FFS.
no offense to those who like it
@Dormousing_it:
My 17yo nephew lives for chicken bacon ranch. I don’t find it to be disgusting, exactly, but it isn’t a combination I’d assemble for myself.
I, too, look up at the starry night sky and think of blue balls.
These guys can’t seem to decide whether not getting laid is the worst thing ever or the best thing ever. Or the sourest grape ever.
@Richard Smith
“‘Masturbation good,’ on the other… hand… is one of those perineal ideas, or at least that idea can make it good, or better.”
Perineal masturbation is a whole ‘nother matter than perennial ideas.
Also potentially much hotter, YMMV.
Oh Onan.
As Mish pointed out, it’s pretty difficult to decode exactly what the bible is condemning about Onan’s actions. Is it because he allowed his brother’s genetics to go extinct, therefore extinguishing his brother’s line within the context of a clan based culture? Is it because the reason Onan did this was probably greed, since having a son would lessen the inheritance he received? Is it because Onan went along with the levitate marriage instead of refusing, and happily had sex with (raped) his dead brother’s wife under false pretenses? Is it because having sex with your brother’s wife outside of a levitate marriage is forbidden and incestuous? Hell, could it be because the prevailing medical opinion of the day was that a man’s sperm was made up of tiny complete babies*, and Onan dumping them on the ground would be killing them?
Nah, the point must be that health insurance shouldn’t have to pay for hormonal birth control used to treat ovarian cysts**, no matter that Yaz has fuckall to do with a woman spilling “her seed” on the ground.
Re: the claim that masturbation reduces the chances of prostate cancer, the research measured the frequency of ejaculations, not masturbation. (A quick glance over the studies cited in David’s link proves this). And even then there’s no proof that the amount of ejaculation CAUSED the reduction and wasn’t just CORRELATED with it. There’s no unique*** health benefit from masturbation, but there’s no health reason not to masturbate. It’s really just an individual thing.
*Quite literally seed to be planted in the barren field (women). Which, creepy as it is, helps explain a tiny bit of the psychology under many conservatively religious men’s complete indifference to women’s reproductive healthcare. Well, other than their overwhelming desire to control women’s reproduction no matter the cost to us, that is.
**Ovarian cysts and many, many more conditions.
***Unique in that yes, fun things are great for your health, but not all men enjoy masturbating, and splash damage and all that.
****I hope this post makes sense. It’s 4am and I’m half awake.
@Katamount
Because the world is run by religious fundamentalist scumbags?
@LindsayIrene
Would porn make NoFap justified then, owing to your comment about how heavily male-oriented it is?
@Red R Lion,
I am delighted with the image spillchicken generated out of “levirate marriage”.
A “levitate marriage” ought to be something depicted in a Chagall painting…
It’s interesting that some of these people believe that Hillary (and whomever else is a target at the time) practice(s) a sort of moonlight magic (to cast spells on men to turn them into toads or whatever) and she’s condemned for it while these boys think that this *alchemy* (lol) will somehow help them get laid.
Truth: magic isn’t real- no matter whom is supposedly doing it. A cup of testicle tea by your bedside will actually repel women.
@Brassica
Well, they do say performing levitate marriages is a favorite trick of David Blaine.
Cool name BTW. ?
research raising the christ within aka the sacred secretion and christ oil/cerebral spinal fluid in all our spines ..