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By David Futrelle
Let’s say you’re a blogger and YouTube dude who loves bread, and who has recently gotten all excited about baking bread at home with the help of a cheap bread machine. So excited, in fact, that you can’t wait to show off your new baking prowess to the world.
Let’s say that you’re also deeply insecure about your masculinity and terrified that if you confess to the sin of … baking, all your fans will turn on you and denounce you as some sort of girly wuss because BAKING IS FOR GIRLS.
What on earth do you do?
Well, if your name is Roosh Valizadeh, you make a video proclaiming that yes, you love baking bread but only because baking is a highly scientific endeavor that’s not girly or wussy at all.
I missed Roosh’s video when he first put it out nearly two years ago. But it’s been making the rounds on Twitter again and so I thought you all might appreciate Roosh’s extremely manly take on the Unbearable Dudeness of Bread Making.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gmPlpQYgxI
In case you don’t have the patience to sit through the entire 18 minutes, here’s the gist of it:
Roosh begins his video by announcing, with a mixture of bravado and cowardice, that he likes to bake bread, a fact you might think his viewers would have already gathered from the title of his video “How I make my own bread at home with a bread machine.”
But apparently this is a bit of a sensitive subject for Roosh. “Yes I am outing myself as a baker, as someone who likes to cook” he declares.
I’m not a woman. I am ultra-masculine, as you can see. But baking and cooking in general is a scientific thing and men like scientific things.
ROOSH NOT WOMAN, BREAD IS SCIENCE!
I used to be a a scientist and baking my own bread which I’m going to show you how is one of the most joyful things that I can do at home.
NO, NO, GUYS i’M NOT A SISSY GIRLY COOK, I AM A MANLY BREAD SCIENTIST, A SCIENTIST OF BREAD!
After babbling on for a bit about how store-bought bread is too expensive and filled with chemicals and boy oh boy does he love the smell of freshly baked bread and having his own bread machine has “completely changed” his life, Roosh demonstrates his baking process. Which consists of putting a bunch of ingredients in his bread maker and turning it on. There’s no dough-kneading or anything like that. He’s less of a baker than a pourer of bread ingredients into a machine.
But he narrates the whole process in detail, I guess to help out those who are somehow incapable of reading a list of ingredients. It gets a little weird.
The first step is I add two spoons, two spoons of olive oil and the oil keeps it moist, it really slows down the staleness process and also gives it a richer taste. I then add 330 milliliters of lukewarm water and water obviously you need water for bread and I heat it just for a minute on the stovetop to ensure that it is warm but if you have a microwave you can do it that way to make sure it’s not too hot because then you’re gonna kill the yeast.
Thanks, dude, I don’t think I could have figured out how to heat water up a little bit without your helpful assistance!
Next up we got to feed the yeast, and if you don’t know yeast is the organism that creates the holes in the bread, makes it light and but they need food and the food for yeast is is sugar, so I put 18 grams total of sugar.
And then of course the most important ingredient is the flour. I put 500 grams and as you can see I’m weighing everything so if I make a good batch of bread I really want to be able to duplicate it so when you weigh it you get the most precise measuring possible so that you can easily duplicate anything.
Er, isn’t that what recipes are for? We humans have been baking bread for nearly 15,000 years — bread actually predates agriculture by several thousand years. I mean, I think we’ve kind of got this bread thing figured out. No need for Bread Scientist Roosh to do any elaborate experiments on this front.
Anyway, Roosh goes on to add yeast and salt, as one does, and then lets the machine work its magic.
But evidently he hasn’t quite got the Bread Science quite right yet because this is the result:
Now I’m not the winner of the Nobel Prize for bread or anything, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what a loaf of bread is supposed to look like. The top is not supposed to be concave, and also shouldn’t it be a little bit darker, like the rest of the crust? This is just … wrong.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT A BREAD MACHINE CHANGED YOUR LIFE WHEN THE BREAD YOU MAKE WITH IT LOOKS LIKE THIS SHIT?
Roosh, to his credit, realizes that there is something a little bit off with his loaf.
You see there is a problem — my bread it cratered a bit, so the middle came down, and from the research I’ve been doing online it’s either because there’s too much water or too much yeast so for the next loaf I decided to lower the amount to three grams instead of 4.5.
Here is the new, more scientifically advanced loaf:
DUDE THAT IS STILL NOT RIGHT
Now the top is, it’s flat but I still want that rounded top so I’m probably gonna even lower the yeast a little bit more but this is the fun of baking.
THAT IS NOT THE FUN OF BAKING
It’s science so you change one thing each time and see what the result is this is very similar to when I used to work as a scientist at two biotech firms I would actually make food for microbial and mammalian cells and I would change one thing to see the effects of the food how the yeast would actually grow because I grew these cells and this is almost the exact same thing except I can eat the product after that
IT IS NOT ALMOST THE EXACT SAME THING, YOU ARE MAKING FOOD FOR HUMANS NOT FOR MICROBES
and so as you can see my excitement for growing bread is really high
DUDE DID YOU JUST SAY “GROWING BREAD,” WHY DID YOU SAY GROWING BREAD, BREAD IS NOT GROWN, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, ARE YOU A SPACE ALIEN OH GOD THAT WOULD EXPLAIN SO MUCH
because it’s just, it’s cool, it’s a good way to also challenge myself. I mean it’s not a big challenge but, can I make a good loaf?
NO YOU CANNOT MAKE A GOOD LOAF, YOU HAVE PROVIDED PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE THAT YOUR LOAVES ARE NOT GOOD.
You know, can I take a basic recipe and tweak it so that it turns out great and the people who have been eating the bread I make they say it tastes great
WHO ARE THESE ALLEGED PEOPLE, PLEASE PROVIDE PROOF OF THEIR EXISTENCE, OH GOD YOU PROBABLY CAN’T, YOU PROBABLY ATE TEHM, YOU PROBABLY KILLED THEM AND THREW THEM INTO A GIANT YEAST KIT IN YOUR BASEMENT, IS THE NAME OF YOUR COOKBOOK BY ANY CHANCE “TO SERVE MAN?”
Weirdly, as gross as Roosh is, and as badly as his loaves turned out, I find myself wondering if maybe I should get a bread machine for myself. I mean, I love bread, and I certainly couldn’t do a worse job making it than Roosh has here.
I have two friends, one man and one woman, who go crazy about sourdough bread… I really don’t understand how people can get so enthusiastic about making their own bread, but to each their own and all that.
I don’t think it would be pathetic in itself to make a youtube video about making bread in a bread machine if a normal person did it. Like “hey, I just discovered bread machines, how they make baking fun and easy, and now I’m gonna share this with you” or whatever. Even the experimentation with different amounts of yeast to try to get the bread fluffier could have made the cut. If a normal person with a normal attitude did it!
Had a bread machine for years- I think I still have one. The ex used one all the time because it was cheap, not because he could make good bread with it. He even used to dump the dust from the bottom of cereal boxes into it. He would put the water in mostly empty jam jars, nut butter jars and other such items to swish it around, clean out the jar and use the last of whatever has been sticking to the sides for days. This approach might be great of there was thought or planning behind it other than using up the last bits, cleaning out jars and being cheap. Not saving money out of necessity or efficiency, it was cheap to the core of his stingy soul.
I’ve got a 27 year old starter now, and am learning how to make sourdough with my son. And what gets me is, this is even less expensive! Literally only costing flour and salt. And it’s delicious.
@Victorious Parasol
I have Peter Reinhart’s The Bread Baker’s Apprentice. He’s also a bread scientist. ?
I vaguely remember Roosh posing with a sports car and wads of cash, and it later turned out that he was poor and neither the car nor the cash was his.
Somehow I find myself assuming that his bread-making skills are also all hype and no loaf.
@ Sheila – I think “all beard and no bread” might be the ancient proverb that needs to be coined for the occasion.
I love making bread, though I don’t do it as much as I used to. The smell, the warmth and the kneading… Oh, and the eating. That’s a good bit.
Roosh’s photos reminds me of a country footpath we walk regularly. It’s a mile long, has a hedgerow on each side, and the path must be at least 900 years old because it’s also the line between two parishes, and parish lines were fixed by about 1100.
Somewhere in the middle of this wonder, someone has dumped a piece of 1970s furniture. It’s a squarish block with rounded corners, covered with some kind of non-biodegradable beige plasticky fabric, like a skin but synthetic.
It is almost covered with brambles but moss and lichen refuses to grow over it, even though it’s been there since we started walking there 15 years ago.
There’s no vehicle access. so someone hauled it about half a mile to dump it there. They must have really wanted rid of it.
It looks EXACTLY like Roosh’s second loaf.
I bet it tastes as good.
@kupo
There’s nothing like good homemade bread. I used to bake it more often before the type 2 diabetes hit. I miss those days.
There’s a simple manchet bread recipe I make these days, since it’s a smaller quantity and therefore I’m not tempted to eat more than I should:
http://deborahotoole.com/FoodFare/manchet.htm
I divide the dough into 4 peasant-style loaves.
Why is he using metric measurements like some kind of homosexual communist? If anything will turn his alt-right nationalist fans against him, it’s that.
Major bombshell on the Kavanaugh front. A woman has come forward via Michael Avenatti to relate a very similar story to Dr. Ford, and she indicates she has witnesses.
TW (discussion of assault): https://www.wonkette.com/michael-avenatti-cometh
I have no idea what impact this will have on Kavanaugh’s confirmation (I fear it’s a foregone conclusion at this point). But regardless if Kavanaugh gets on the court or not, Republicans’ insistence in sticking by this creep will have some major repercussions on their midterm performance and beyond.
Women will remember this, even the white ones that voted Trump.
It’s always interesting to see how dudes insist that “THERE ARE 2 GENDERS, GENDER IS NOT A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT!!” when clearly baking used to be mainly a male occupation, whereas brewing beer was something invented by women; and yet now bakery is viewed as something inherently feminine, whereas brewing beer is something viewed as masculine.
Same thing with fashion and computer science. I hardly think the Lobster Prophet himself would call Louis XIV effeminate for wearing heels and lipstick, or accuse him of trying to simulate an orgasm to attract other males; not at least without getting skewered like a Swiss cheese by a rapier.
This discussion of everything that’s been baked into the Bread Kavanaugh nomination is making me lose my appetite.
Ah yes, the two genders: Dry yeast and fresh yeast. :p
From what I’ve been reading, McConnell does not believe he has the votes to confirm Kavanaugh. I think they’re going ahead because they see the bad PR and the loss of support of moderates and particularly women as less risky then incurring the wrath of Trump. If McConnell can’t the “moderate” Repuplican senator’s votes, he’ll let those Senators deal with the wrath on their own.
Plus the party leadership might think that the amount of voter suppression Kavanaugh along with the other conservative justices will allow will cancel out any of the outrage. They are working towards a dictatorship masquerading as a democracy and will do whatever they have to to make it happen.
@WWTH
Pretty much, at this point they’re all old, White assholes on their way out; why should they care for consequences they will likely never deal with? They know they have no legitimacy whatsoever, haven’t had any since the beginning of the Obama administration, so they’re just focusing on power plays.
Literally all they are doing is finding the most credible excuse they can and rallying behind it, regardless of consequences because, in the end, it’s not about legitimacy, it’s about retaining or consolidating power.
Although I’m doubtful on that claim that McConnell does not believe he has the votes to confirm Kavanaugh. Wasn’t he claiming that he was going to push him through? And hadn’t he bragged about having enough votes to confirm him last week? Or have there been new developments since Julie Swetnick’s accusation came to light?
The higher end bread machines have a separate heating element in the lid that browns the top. Cheaper machines don’t have the upper element and make loaves with pale tops. I have a Zojirushi Home Bakery Virtuoso which is the Cadillac of bread machines. I found it at a thrift store and it makes awesome horizontal loaves with rounded, browned tops. I can tell you that even with an expensive bread machine doing all the mixing, kneading and baking there is plenty that can still go wrong in any number of ways. Bread is temperamental sometimes and the ratio of ingredients and how you measure them has a huge effect on the final product.
That said, it’s pathetic that Doosh feels the need to go on about how manly and scientific baking bread is because the femme cooties might rub off on him. There are people of all kinds baking bread every day. What about all those men working in bakeries and restaurants?
I hate to get all Meta here, but is anyone else enjoying Roosh’s downfall from self-professed “king” (ugh) to self-professed happy homemaker and incel?
Here’s where I get Meta, if I am using the term correctly: on South Park, Eric Cartman hates red-headed kids (gingers), rags on them as harshly as he can, and plots to round them up and kill them. But then one night while he’s sound asleep, his friends sneak into his room, dye his hair red, and paint red henna freckles onto him, and when he appears at school like this his friends [convincingly] tell him that red-headedness is recessive and can happen at any age…. AND AT THAT POINT… Cartman suddenly switches gears and acts like being ginger is the bestest-bestest thing ever, and he goes on to share the wonders of being a ginger and goes on to convince the *other* beleaguered gingers that they should all kill non-gingers. (Of course at the point when his friends see this evil plan in action, they tell him it was a prank and he’s not really ginger after all, oh, just watch the episode.)
^^^THIS is how Roosh is behaving now. He used to rail against beta-losers who would do anything domestic. (Remember he griped about having to wash his own butthole?) Now that he can no longer trick women into having sex that they don’t want, and he can’t make a living from the desperate lady-haters-who-want-to-get-laid contingent anymore, he’s pretty much become the things he’s always bashed. But unlike Eric Cartman, I don’t think Roosh can ever return to anything… let alone being a “king”. He’s just an increasingly older and older and older phony Alpha who can’t get laid and can’t get married and can’t get new subscribers.
@ Diego Duarte:
Fun Fact: the suffix -ster in a surname indicates an occupational matronymic; if you’re a Baxter, Brewster, or Webster, you had a foremother who baked, brewed, or wove professionally.
@Kupo; @silly-bollocks; @Victorious Parasol:
Another groundbreaking work of food (including baking) science: Cookwise by Shirley Corriher; I belive: https://www.amazon.com/CookWise-Successful-Cooking-Secrets-Revealed/dp/0688102298
(She’s since come out with a baking-specific follow-up: https://www.amazon.com/BakeWise-Successful-Baking-Magnificent-Recipes/dp/1416560785)
And the last line of this Questionable Content strip is exquisitely relevant: https://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1679
Never used a bread machine but baking bread using only your hands and a loaf tin is a worthwhile short labour. If you’re in the UK, bread flour packets normally have a basic recipe for you to follow and they are usually spot on. My only advice is to ensure you prove the loaf for 30 mins before actually baking it, by proving it you will get the best rise.
Ingredients: Bread flour, butter, 7g dried yeast, 1 tsp salt, 2 tsp sugar and around 300ml warm water. Probably better to put the yeast in the water first for a couple of mins before mixing with the rest of the mixture. Kneed until smooth, prove for 30 mins, bake until browned (the bread should sound hollow as you tap the bottom)
Okay last bit of advice, for a crusty load, before baking whisk an egg and brush over the loaf.
Fuck i love bread. Dont ruin bread making for me roosh the douche.
“I am ultra-masculine, as you can see”
No, he comes across with the same amount of masculinity as most other blokes, albeit with a beard that’s too big to suit him and thus makes him look rather silly.
People like Vin Diesel, Sam Elliott, Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, Lee Van Cleef or Clint Eastwood might be considered ultra-masculine. So could Tom of Finland’s men, to use an example that Roosh would hate.
Re: Kavanaugh
The other element in McConnell’s calculus has got to be the elections. Yes, the Republicans are at risk from women. To save themselves from a blue wave, they have to get out their vote as much as possible. If he calls for a vote and loses, they can use that to energize the evangelicals. If he calls for a vote and Kavanaugh gets in, they can preen and use that to also energize the evangelicals. The danger for them in terms of voter turnout is Kavanaugh withdrawing, as that would be read as an admission of guilt and might not get the Jesus folk to the polls.
I wonder just how old and/or cheap Roosh’s bread machine is; does it not have a separate dough cycle? I have a bread machine that I only use for the dough cycle because it takes the mixing and first kneading out of my pain-ridden* hands.
I was never satisfied with the loaves that came out of the full bread cycle and found that on a good day, I can manage** that last kneading and shaping of my loaves. No more funky big square loaves with paddle holes. Much better crust and texture, too!
Try it, Roosh! You can pretend you came up with the idea all by your lonesome manly scientific self.
*Carpal Tunnel, don’tcha know (both hands, yet!)
**If I don’t have too much else I have to do that day
@Full Metal Ox
Love Miss Shirley! I’ve baked her chocolate chip cookies as well as her “touch of grace” biscuits.
I get the distinct impression he fancies himself as some kind of rugged survivalist for using an appliance and adding yeast from a packet and throwing in sugar like it’s some instant seamonkey kit. What a noob. With his grungey hygiene I doubt he could manage to even properly cultivate and maintain a wild strain culture without it becoming hopelessly cross contaminated with poopy germs. Knowing what we know about him, I doubt his lab practice was stellar back when he was employed.
If Roosh really wants to demonstrate his super masculine resourcefulness, wake me up when he builds and chops wood for a clay oven and gets the fire going with two sticks. Preferably venturing into the deep wilderness and only emerging upon producing a successful loaf. I’ll even pitch in for the airlift.
On that note: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAL3JXZSzSm8AlZyD3nQdBA/videos
When I was a kid sea monkeys were one of those magical items you could only get in the US; like X Ray specs and BB guns.
So I was somewhat disappointed to find out the guy who came up with them was a neo Nazi who used the profits to fund white supremacist groups.
@Alan: Well, I learned a thing today. Two things, if you count that he also sold hermit crabs as novelties. Man, toy shops around here just had squirt guns and plastic spades.