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By David Futrelle
Let’s say you’re a blogger and YouTube dude who loves bread, and who has recently gotten all excited about baking bread at home with the help of a cheap bread machine. So excited, in fact, that you can’t wait to show off your new baking prowess to the world.
Let’s say that you’re also deeply insecure about your masculinity and terrified that if you confess to the sin of … baking, all your fans will turn on you and denounce you as some sort of girly wuss because BAKING IS FOR GIRLS.
What on earth do you do?
Well, if your name is Roosh Valizadeh, you make a video proclaiming that yes, you love baking bread but only because baking is a highly scientific endeavor that’s not girly or wussy at all.
I missed Roosh’s video when he first put it out nearly two years ago. But it’s been making the rounds on Twitter again and so I thought you all might appreciate Roosh’s extremely manly take on the Unbearable Dudeness of Bread Making.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gmPlpQYgxI
In case you don’t have the patience to sit through the entire 18 minutes, here’s the gist of it:
Roosh begins his video by announcing, with a mixture of bravado and cowardice, that he likes to bake bread, a fact you might think his viewers would have already gathered from the title of his video “How I make my own bread at home with a bread machine.”
But apparently this is a bit of a sensitive subject for Roosh. “Yes I am outing myself as a baker, as someone who likes to cook” he declares.
I’m not a woman. I am ultra-masculine, as you can see. But baking and cooking in general is a scientific thing and men like scientific things.
ROOSH NOT WOMAN, BREAD IS SCIENCE!
I used to be a a scientist and baking my own bread which I’m going to show you how is one of the most joyful things that I can do at home.
NO, NO, GUYS i’M NOT A SISSY GIRLY COOK, I AM A MANLY BREAD SCIENTIST, A SCIENTIST OF BREAD!
After babbling on for a bit about how store-bought bread is too expensive and filled with chemicals and boy oh boy does he love the smell of freshly baked bread and having his own bread machine has “completely changed” his life, Roosh demonstrates his baking process. Which consists of putting a bunch of ingredients in his bread maker and turning it on. There’s no dough-kneading or anything like that. He’s less of a baker than a pourer of bread ingredients into a machine.
But he narrates the whole process in detail, I guess to help out those who are somehow incapable of reading a list of ingredients. It gets a little weird.
The first step is I add two spoons, two spoons of olive oil and the oil keeps it moist, it really slows down the staleness process and also gives it a richer taste. I then add 330 milliliters of lukewarm water and water obviously you need water for bread and I heat it just for a minute on the stovetop to ensure that it is warm but if you have a microwave you can do it that way to make sure it’s not too hot because then you’re gonna kill the yeast.
Thanks, dude, I don’t think I could have figured out how to heat water up a little bit without your helpful assistance!
Next up we got to feed the yeast, and if you don’t know yeast is the organism that creates the holes in the bread, makes it light and but they need food and the food for yeast is is sugar, so I put 18 grams total of sugar.
And then of course the most important ingredient is the flour. I put 500 grams and as you can see I’m weighing everything so if I make a good batch of bread I really want to be able to duplicate it so when you weigh it you get the most precise measuring possible so that you can easily duplicate anything.
Er, isn’t that what recipes are for? We humans have been baking bread for nearly 15,000 years — bread actually predates agriculture by several thousand years. I mean, I think we’ve kind of got this bread thing figured out. No need for Bread Scientist Roosh to do any elaborate experiments on this front.
Anyway, Roosh goes on to add yeast and salt, as one does, and then lets the machine work its magic.
But evidently he hasn’t quite got the Bread Science quite right yet because this is the result:
Now I’m not the winner of the Nobel Prize for bread or anything, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what a loaf of bread is supposed to look like. The top is not supposed to be concave, and also shouldn’t it be a little bit darker, like the rest of the crust? This is just … wrong.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT A BREAD MACHINE CHANGED YOUR LIFE WHEN THE BREAD YOU MAKE WITH IT LOOKS LIKE THIS SHIT?
Roosh, to his credit, realizes that there is something a little bit off with his loaf.
You see there is a problem — my bread it cratered a bit, so the middle came down, and from the research I’ve been doing online it’s either because there’s too much water or too much yeast so for the next loaf I decided to lower the amount to three grams instead of 4.5.
Here is the new, more scientifically advanced loaf:
DUDE THAT IS STILL NOT RIGHT
Now the top is, it’s flat but I still want that rounded top so I’m probably gonna even lower the yeast a little bit more but this is the fun of baking.
THAT IS NOT THE FUN OF BAKING
It’s science so you change one thing each time and see what the result is this is very similar to when I used to work as a scientist at two biotech firms I would actually make food for microbial and mammalian cells and I would change one thing to see the effects of the food how the yeast would actually grow because I grew these cells and this is almost the exact same thing except I can eat the product after that
IT IS NOT ALMOST THE EXACT SAME THING, YOU ARE MAKING FOOD FOR HUMANS NOT FOR MICROBES
and so as you can see my excitement for growing bread is really high
DUDE DID YOU JUST SAY “GROWING BREAD,” WHY DID YOU SAY GROWING BREAD, BREAD IS NOT GROWN, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, ARE YOU A SPACE ALIEN OH GOD THAT WOULD EXPLAIN SO MUCH
because it’s just, it’s cool, it’s a good way to also challenge myself. I mean it’s not a big challenge but, can I make a good loaf?
NO YOU CANNOT MAKE A GOOD LOAF, YOU HAVE PROVIDED PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE THAT YOUR LOAVES ARE NOT GOOD.
You know, can I take a basic recipe and tweak it so that it turns out great and the people who have been eating the bread I make they say it tastes great
WHO ARE THESE ALLEGED PEOPLE, PLEASE PROVIDE PROOF OF THEIR EXISTENCE, OH GOD YOU PROBABLY CAN’T, YOU PROBABLY ATE TEHM, YOU PROBABLY KILLED THEM AND THREW THEM INTO A GIANT YEAST KIT IN YOUR BASEMENT, IS THE NAME OF YOUR COOKBOOK BY ANY CHANCE “TO SERVE MAN?”
Weirdly, as gross as Roosh is, and as badly as his loaves turned out, I find myself wondering if maybe I should get a bread machine for myself. I mean, I love bread, and I certainly couldn’t do a worse job making it than Roosh has here.
The Unbearable Lightness Of Dorkdom.
Roosh was probably trying to program the bread machine with his dick. They’re really not that hard to use.
Bread machines do not make good looking loaves of bread. They just….don’t. I’ve never had one yet and I’ve had my machine for nearly 20 years. Some are worse than others, though, and I’ve *never* had the sides look nearly black while the top is fairly pale. Mine are always a pretty uniform colour, at least. I usually do light crust, so my tops are fairly light, though.
The timing for this post is really bizarre, though. We’ve literally been talking about getting a new bread machine in the last couple of days, because with 2 teen boys, a pre-teen boy & a bread loving 6 year old boy, we go through a loaf of store bought a day. Our current machine just wasn’t up to the challenge, especially with the giant hole in the bottom of every loaf for the paddle. And bread here is nearly $2 a loaf, plus made with flour with folic acid & other junk (yes I know what folic acid is, why they started adding it to flour, and what recent studies are showing about issues with it)
We’re looking into getting a new machine with collapsible paddles.
I’ll admit, when I first saw the words “bread machine”, I thought, “wait, did Roosh finally figure out/get permission to use his mom’s oven?”
And then I learned that “bread machines” are an actual thing. That exist. I’m… not sure what to think about them. (looks longingly at my parents’ wall oven)
Don’t bother with a bread machine. If you have a stand mixer, use that to knead and then bake it in the oven. If you don’t, kneading can be very therapeutic. But if you don’t have the energy for it, here’s a good recipe for kneadless bread.
https://artisanbreadinfive.com/2013/10/22/the-new-artisan-bread-in-five-minutes-a-day-is-launched-back-to-basics-updated/
Perhaps Doosh should ask David Gates for help.
15,000 years of bread recipes have gotten it wrong (including the instructions that come with the damn machine) and Roosh is now gonna explain to us why. It takes a bold visionary with a penis to wave off centuries of accumulated baking wisdom and substitute his own keen scientific understanding.
I think we’ve entered a new realm of fuckwittery here. Breadsplaining. Mansbreading.
@kupo I love the idea of making my own bread, but those recipes always just frustrate me. Who has that much fridge space, plus all the equipment? Plus I really don’t get the appeal of round loaves, especially for anyone with kids. I can imagine the fights already. (yes, I know you were suggesting it for Dave, but I love finding new recipes)
@Buttercup
Mansbreading is *awesome*
I’ll throw a beer on him. Since beer has yeast, he can include the beer in one of bread experiments. Science!
I guess bread machines make bread that shape. The bread takes up the shape of the machine. His bread does suck, though. How did he manage to burn the sides like that, but not the top? And bread is for eating, not science. It’s weird how he tries to make it seem ‘manly’ as if baking is something to be ashamed of. Like he is going to catch women’s cooties from it, or something. Masculinity is so very fragile.
I’m glad I never bothered buying a bread machine, if that’s how the loaves are shaped.
My husband bakes bread more than I do*, and he doesn’t feel the need to preface his bread-baking with a dissertation on his manliness. He uses a dough hook for kneading.
*He enjoys fresh-baked bread more than I do.
Don’t need a bread machine, a le Creuset pot makes a fine loaf of bread. Use a no knead recipe, put the ball of dough in the pot, put the lid on, in about 30-45 minutes, you have a great looking rustic loaf.
The lid helps control the humidity as well as the heat.
Need to have the metal handle for the lid, the plastic one would melt obviously. You also have to work really hard, well, I have to work really hard, to remember not to pick up the lid by the metal handle when I take it out of the oven.
Roosh is a terrible garbage fire of a person, but, hey, at least he’s getting his jollies by baking bread instead of going out to harass and/or rape more women.
…shit, I’m being informed that bread machines are automatic after the ingredients are added, so Roosh could be multitasking and leaving the machine be to go out and target women. Well, I can only hope that such a MANLY MAN SCIENTIST stays right next to the bread machine for the entirety of the duration to take notes on the science of the machine’s process.
@Skylalalalalalala
Would you like a sandwich loaf recipe instead? I’m a huge baking nerd. I’m not sure if I have one that’s kneadless but I might with all the books specifically on bread making that I own.
As for fridge space I would put it in a 9 cup Tupperware and put that in the bottom of a veggie drawer, if that’s helpful. Not much equipment is needed for the no knead recipes.
Edit window ran out. When I say “would,” I mean this is what I used to do when I made that recipe. I can’t anymore as wheat and I have parted ways. I still bake bread, just not this kind. 🙂
l used to bake bread all the time. Never used one of those bread machines. Kinda takes the fun out of it. Finding just the right warm spot to place the cloth-covered bowl to let it rise. Poking eyes into the sponge at the end of the first rising to see if it’s ready to knead. Kneading itself is indeed very therapeutic, along with the occasional body slam of the dough onto the board to break up any large air bubbles in the dough. And feeling the elasticity as the gluten structure is developed during kneading as it gets to the perfect stage to shape the loaves. Plus, that gorgeous yeasty smell of the rising dough, then the mouthwatering aroma of the baking bread just before taking it out of the oven. Cutting the heel off while it’s still hot to slather butter on and devour the test bite. Yum!
I really miss bread and baking. It sucks to have digestive problems that make avoiding wheat a good idea. Sigh. And I have yet to find an okay substitute for the texture and mouthfeel of bread as the perfect carrier of all the tasty spreads out there waiting to go into my belly.
I certainly never thought making bread was a threat to masculinity, or was somehow femininity affirming.
Silly Roosh, using a bread machine to take all the work and fun and skill out of it doesn’t make it more manly somehow. It just makes it more convenient and easier. Is it more manly because it’s apparently a mechanical wife substitute? If it had a conveniently sized gloryhole for your penis to activate, would it satisfy all your misogynist urges? Maybe it is the essential kitchen tool for MGTOWs? If only it turned square loafs into sammiches too?
No, David, get a stand mixer instead with a good spiral kneader (I have a Kitchen Aid). I make baguettes, rye, wheat, and no-knead artisan bread (that last one doesn’t need the stand mixer kneading attachment), to name a few. Shape it yourself. I recommend Daniel Leader’s books on bread-making, particularly the one “Local Breads.” I also make pizza dough, bagels, crackers, and English muffins. I like bread! When the grandkids come over, doesn’t matter what else I’m serving, they will go for sliced baguette first.
Actually, if it wasn’t for this being Roosh, I would be sort of charmed by the transcripted bits of that video I read in the post. I almost felt kind of bad for how the video was getting ripped apart. XD
Look, there’s nothing wrong with using a bread machine, but you don’t get to claim to be super manly if you do. Bread machines are the easy way to do it. REAL MEN ™ should be growing their own wheat before threshing it and grinding it, and even if they can’t do that, they should be making it the real way, with all the complicated (not actually very complicated) steps the bread machine takes care of.
I mean, if you want to argue that making bread is MANLY, then you have to include the fifteen minutes when you beat it to a pulp. That’s just…necessary. Your argument fails, Roosh. You aren’t even misogynisting right, because you’re making bread the wimpy way. (To the extent that that’s actually possible. Again, not making fun of reasonable people who use bread machines, just of anyone who’s insecure enough to try and make breadmaking conform ot bizarre gender norms.)
This being Roosh, though, I’m worried about what’s going to happen to these loaves. All that keeps flashing through my mind is a book about life in prison, and the chapter on sex, which gave some examples of how convicts can deal with their urges. One case was a guy who worked in the bakery, who found that once the bread came out of the oven and had cooled down a little, it was… serviceable. Right sort of temperature. Apparently he was “convinced” to stop by some of his fellow inmates (I assume by threats of violence) who grew concerned about what he was doing with the loaves once they were done. No load of bread deserves to be abused like that by Roosh. Is there a Bead Protection Services we could call?
After reading all that, I’m getting an uncontrollable urge to punch down a bowlful of bread dough and pretend it’s Roosh’s face.
What is it with these guys? If their mothers baked bread, that’s just women’s work and unremarkable. But now that they’re doing it, it’s suddenly a “science”? Why, because PENIS? Silly.
(Their mothers also told them to stand up straight and clean their rooms, and were accordingly ignored, because they were “only” women. But when Jordan Fucking Peterson tells them to do the exact same things, it’s deep, life-changing advice, because PENIS. Silly…)
It so happens that I’ve started making traditional sourdough bread. Sourdough is where the real process of experimentation comes in: starting a microbial colony without packaged yeast (maybe just with flour, maybe with a little something to kickstart it like apple or raisins) and then keeping it alive, trying different flours, different proportions of ingredients, different amounts of kneading, different proving times. There’s really no one-size-fits-all recipe for sourdough, because there are so many factors that can affect it, like the type of flour available where you live, the climate (right down to the micro-climate in your house), and presumably the local microbial “flora”.
By contrast, the whole point of a bread machine is that it takes most of the trial-and-error and hard work out of bread making. Being a master bread machine baker is like being a virtuoso in Guitar Hero. It’s like competing in the Tour de France on an electric scooter. It’s like doing industrial drafting with a spirograph set.
Basically, while I can’t disapprove of Roosh adopting such a wholesome pursuit, the fact that he choseartisanal bread machine baking is poetically appropriate in a way so deep that I’m struggling to express it. It’s like he’s misunderstood the fundamentals of being a human on earth or something.
I made it through 3 minutes of the video and quit. He starts off with calling himself hyper masculine?
Yeah I had to (try to) fix some plumbing, I couldn’t, I went to Home Depot looking for parts, I gave up and called plumbers.
I did not say to any of these people: TO BE CLEAR! I AM! HYPER FEMININE! But… I’m gonna need some sink parts…
We all reached the same conclusion too. On how to fix the problem. Female self, a black guy at HD, and the plumbers, one of which I think is gay. All us various people came to the same conclusion. Huh. Must be liberals and Marxists doing mind control or something.
Bread machines.
When they were big / hyped in the US, about six months later you could find plenty of them at garage sales and resale stores.
I remember people buying these things. I didn’t. I was poor then and I’m poor now and common sense dictates that you don’t need a complex gadget for every little thing. It dices! It slices! It chops! It peels!
Remember your grand parents and the electric knives that they got out on the holidays to carve the Holiday Hunk O’ Meat? And they didn’t work all that great and smelled of burning oil. They always smelled funny. The stale oil and dust on the parts heating up. And everyone was afraid to use the thing anyway.
I hope to scrounge up enough $ to a) donate to the mammoth, and b) maybe get a stand mixer, like a Kitchen Aid. You can make bread with that. Those are expensive and I was “window shopping” online and I saw a Hamilton Beach mixer that’s sim and less expensive. Maybe I can save and get that.
And hey I just gave myself an idea here! To maybe find it even cheaper – garage sales and resale stores. Sometimes you can find brand new even, people just don’t want it, received it as a gift, or even a nice used one, they hardly used it, took care of it, kept it clean, $20. If I could find one like that …
I dream of finds like this 🙂
Not “Prince Charming”.
OK, I have to go to more garage sales 🙂
All I can think of is “Stick To The Status Quo”…and I’m still amazed that I haven’t heard anything from the internet’s worst about High School Musical, considering that that one, unlike, say, Bella And The Bulldogs, has an overt example of “race cucking”.
https://youtu.be/ZYZpZr3Cv7I
Completely off topic (but not off subject):
The reliably disgusting Matt Forney is having a bit of a field day with the latest scandal from Cracked.
Seems John Cheese (columnist, wrote a lot – with a heavy social justice slant – and edited there until the big layoff) is a serial harrasser, and one of his victiims finally had enough and went public.
Really? Well, I don’t have a penis, so what would I know, but I’d think that the crust on freshly baked bread and the crumbs would be really unpleasant.
For me the texture sweet spot (not in terms of sexing up the bread, but just in terms of wanting to touch it) is right after the first rise. It’s soft and smooth and springy and just laying into the dough and working out all the bubbles is so satisfying. If I had a penis and was inclined to want to stick in in bread, that would be my phase of choice. It’s even reasonably warm, what with the rising. Would be an awful waste of dough, though.