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Malebag: “Women s–k d–k because d–k built and maintained all upon the earth.”

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By David Futrelle

With another month-long-week coming to a close, I thought I would take a few moments to share with you some of the feedback I get from, well, let’s just say these guys aren’t exactly fans.

These are the sorts of comments — some from new would-be commenters, others from long-banned trolls — that I generally don’t let through moderation. But sometimes they are too terrible not to share.

Let’s stat with this dude, who has somehow come to the conclusion that this site is some sort of soyboy shrine to … Noam Chomsky?

Mr. Ikeman 174.238.146.190 Woe…so this is the website where the males with a testosterone level lower than my grandmother congregate…An entire website of 105 iqers who think they’re the next coming of Noam Chomsky.

I think this is the first time I’ve seen someone try to insult someone else’s intelligence by accusing them of having slightly above-average IQ scores.

Here’s one from a dude whose turns-ons include women crying.

BruceTheJuice 198.98.56.149 The failed feminist attempt to take down Clarence Thomas only strengthened his commitment. After that shit show, he was all out of fucks to give and has refused to compromise or “evolve” as other justices have. Looks like history is repeating. When BK is confirmed I’m gonna watch video of marxist bitches crying as I jerk off oh so hard.

This next guy was evidently convinced that I would be SO devastated by his SICK BURN that he came back several weeks later to post a new iteration of it.

Subpooper 51.36.33.14 David getting all worked up and sweaty over misogyny again. The women here are doing their best hiding their contempt and disgust for you, you’re useful after all.

Subwoofer 51.39.8.115 Fat women love it when fat men get all sweaty and self righteous over misogyny and fat shaming, it gives them a reason to hide their disgust for you anyway.

Setting aside this guy’s weird fixation on my alleged sweatiness, this is an “argument” that’s been floating around the manosphere for years, especially popular with PUAs and incels who want to be able to explain away the fact that women often prefer “beta” males over the alpha Chad types that manosphere dogma insists are the only dudes who know how to make the ladies, er, tingle.

Sure on the outside it might seem like a lot of women vastly prefer “betas”over assholes, this argument goes, but really these women are just hiding their secret disgust for them. It’s yet another way for misogynists to wave away all the evidence in plain view that proves their theories about female sexuality are bullshit.

This next guy is s long-banned shitposter who returns again and again to this blog to post comments, many of extraordinary length, that he knows are never going to see the light of day. Unless they are so ridiculously reprehensible that I decide to put them up in a post like this. CW: Rape fantasies, racism, and something that is either a typo or a misfired racist joke.

Lovely.

Here’s another comment from the same guy.

MasculineAchievements 204.147.186.86 Women are simple to deal with. Whey you remove their legal and financial power over your life, they’re like defanged snakes. Marry one and you give her complete power and control over your very essence. You put yourself in the position of Delilah’s Sampson by giving women the privilege of marriage. Never give a woman legal and/or financial power over your life. That’s how they fuqq you as a man. Women have no honor. Women aren’t brave, but rather brazen cowards. That’s how we got the male-only draft and men last in the life boats.

There’s a lot wrong here but let me just say a word about that last bit of bullshit. We don’t actually get “men last in the life bots.” Yes, more than a hundred years ago, women (and rich people generally) were first in line for the Titanic lifeboats. But even then “women and children first” was never a standard evacuation policy. Ever been on a plane? When the flight attendants explain the procedures for an “emergency landing” do they ever mention putting women first? Because how would that even work?

But I digress. There are more important issues to consider. Like semen. In particular, Mr. Man Splainer’s delicious, semen — which in addition to providing a tasty snack can apparently also be used to BUILD CIVILIZATION ITSELF.

Man Splainer 204.147.186.86 I personally have very delicious semen. I know this because of the gasps & moans that come from women’s mouths as I spew my manliness across their supple upturned breasts an visages. Women suck dick because dick built and maintained all upon the earth. All hail The Man Splainer & His slooge. Oh yeah, bishes. The future is bishes givin manly men blow jobs.

I’m going to end this MALEBAG here, because, seriously, nothing in any of the other comments I’ve still got stored in the moderation queue is going to beat “women suck dick because dick built and maintained all upon the earth.”

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Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
2 years ago

As someone with a penis, I would like to state quite clearly that I have never used it, nor intend to ever use it, to build anything. I mean, aside from the clear pain factor, it’s just not that practical. You can’t exactly hammer in a nail with it.

I mean, I suppose that given soft enough soil, you could maybe dig a bit of a hole with a penis, assuming it was erect? But that seems a bit impractical.

Besides, the logic doesn’t work. I’m sure the fetish exists, but as far as I know there’s not a huge number of women out there who suck hammers because hammers help to build things. And paint may help to maintain my walls, but I don’t have an erotic fixation on it for that reason. For that matter, why aren’t all the men sucking dick as well?

(Yes, yes, I know that logic is among their very many not-strong suits.)

Ikarikid the Dumb
Ikarikid the Dumb
2 years ago

The future is…bishies?

The future is pretty boys giving manly men blow jobs?

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

But even then “women and children first” was never a standard evacuation policy.

Ah, the old ‘Birkenhead Drill’ myth. Not sure you can call something a ‘policy’ that appears to have occurred only twice in recorded history.

This is an opportunity though for me to once again mention my favourite Titanic fact that, as originally designed, it had enough lifeboats for everyone, but they were removed for safety reasons.

(Which did make sense at the time)

Tony Thompson
Tony Thompson
2 years ago

Dear Man Splainer,
Where do gay men like me fit into your worldv….actually, I dont wanna know.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Let women fen for themselves? He wants us to make our own marshlands? Do manly men make fens and give them to women or something? No one offered me a fen before. Should I feel insulted?

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

CN for child sexual abuse:

I wonder when Trump is going to defend this guy in solidarity?
https://www.mprnews.org/story/2018/09/21/knoblach-ends-campaign-amid-abuse-allegations

The worst part of the story?

Gaertner (Jim Knoblach’s attorney) suggested Laura Knoblach disagrees with her father’s political beliefs and her actions are politically motivated.

Apparently from now on anytime a Republican is accused of sexual assault or harassment it’s going to be a political conspiracy.

Bina
2 years ago

All right, boys, one at a time. Line up for your spankings, I’ve got my paddle ready for your sorry behinds…

Mr. Ikeman: Who here is trying to be the next Noam Chomsky? You? You fail. Also, 105 is ABOVE AVERAGE IQ. (Pretty sure you’re well below that, since you lack reading comprehension.)

BruceTheJuice: Thanks so much for letting us know you’re a wanker. Sorry to disappoint you, but no matter what happens, this leftist woman won’t be crying, let alone on camera. I’ll be laying impotence curses on every man who looks at me cross-eyed. Your dick will have to deal with lasting limpness, ha ha. (Pretty sure Brett “Date Raper” K and his creepy accomplice won’t be seeing much action from women in their respective sorry lives, either, because I’m gonna lay a life-long whammy on them both, and one that no amount of boner pills will fix.)

Subpooper/Subwoofer: Thanks so much for letting us know you whack off to videos of fat sweaty dudes in your spare time. Please just go do that and don’t bother trolling, because you suck at it.

ManTerrupter/Masculine Achievements (ha!) and Man Splainer: Thanks so much for letting us know that you don’t know what’s going on in South Africa, or even in your own neck of the woods. We can fend (with a lowercase d) for ourselves just fine without your silly sausage getting in our way, thanks. Also, thanks for letting us know that you love racist porn and whack off to it constantly. And that you fantasize that your ‘shroom can build things. If it could, don’t you think you’d be out there riveting a skyscraper together with your dick, instead of wasting your precious bodily fluids on dumb sexual fantasies that you think will make us do anything but point and laugh at you?

MrsObedMarsh
MrsObedMarsh
2 years ago

@Ikarikid: I think I saw a yaoi manga about that.

Rei Malebario
Rei Malebario
2 years ago

Maybe somebody inferred way too much from seeing that video of Rufus Hound smashing eggs with a hammer taped to his penis?
(You can easily find it with the information in the above sentence if you’re curious …)

iknklast
iknklast
2 years ago

Let women fen for themselves? He wants us to make our own marshlands? Do manly men make fens and give them to women or something? No one offered me a fen before. Should I feel insulted?

I am a wetland biologist, and totally capable of fenning for myself, having spent many hours of my life standing in marshes, walking in marshes, sitting in marshes, and restoring marshes.

And WWTH, I hope someone offers you a fen of your own soon. You have been too long deprived. I for one would vote for the first candidate who promised a fen for every woman – and I would show up on his/her doorstep to make sure that campaign promise was kept.

Aleph
Aleph
2 years ago

The last one seems to be written by a 12 year old. Give it some time and it might end up being the manosphere version of the Navy SEAL pasta.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

There’s a miniature fen at the edge of the park by my house. Sometimes my dog drags over me to it. So I guess I have been given a fen. By a girl dog though.

Zaunfink
Zaunfink
2 years ago

@wwth

You should find a man who will build you a fen with his mighty dick!

On that note: after reading rabid rabbits musings I now have to find something to bribe my bf with to get him to try and dig a hole with his dick. For science!

LLama
LLama
2 years ago

Thanks for the laughs; I appreciate the occasional light post.

Kevin
Kevin
2 years ago

As for the penis as any kind of tool, said the elephant unto Adam, ‘How do you expect to feed yourself with that ?’

Samantha Kaswell
Samantha Kaswell
2 years ago

(Shaking my head as I walk happily towards a future created by HUMAN BEINGS, as opposed to dicks, cocks or any other term used to refer to the male reproductive organ.) They never learn, do they?

Oh, and to all male persons who labor under the delusion that the penis is such a powerful organ, a strong representation of manliness, and the justification, for those owning one, for the manly “rights” to rape, kill, pillage and generally turn a lovely little world into a combination killing field/toxic waste dump/toilet and, seemingly, limitless collection of resources just waiting for the right men to destroy it all for their fun and profit, just remember this:

Your oh-so-strong and manly thingie can, with one well-aimed kick, have you utterly helpless. And, like it or not, when it comes right down to it, you need us a lot more than we need you. Think on that as you contemplate all the lovely things you have planned for the future of womankind and the world. The day is coming when we will remember OUR strength and take back this world, with the help of REAL men, for our children. And that day is very, very soon.

Kissy-kissy,
A woman who has reached that point

Alexisagirlsname
Alexisagirlsname
2 years ago

as far as I know there’s not a huge number of women out there who suck hammers because hammers help to build things.

comment image

More importantly, I’m concerned about this line from the same guy

I personally have very delicious semen. I know this because of the gasps & moans that come out of women’s mouths as I spew my manliness across their supple upturned breasts

That’s not how tasting things works! Even assuming he did have spunk with the flavour of fresh strawberries, how the hell would the woman find that out as he ejaculates on her tits? I mean, I suppose she could taste it afterwards, but why is she moaning at it’s deliciousness in the moment, before she could possibly know?

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

Mr Titspunk there has been watching too much porn. Or did he mean “moans” in the sense of “complaints”?

Ottery
Ottery
2 years ago

Jeez, Man Splainer types like he’s a 13 year old who just learned about blowjobs or something.

Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
2 years ago

Man Splainer may be a Capuchin monkey. I read somewhere that their males produce comparatively huge amounts of semen, much of which ends up being a food offering for the female.

(Basically, she uses her hands to scoop up and eat the portion that spills out of her vagina.)

Ivory Bill Woodpecker
Ivory Bill Woodpecker
2 years ago

If Man Splainer ever actually engaged in any sort of sexual activity with any woman, I am the Emperor of Japan. Ohayoo to all my subject-chans! 😉

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

Lumipuna:

Man Splainer may be a Capuchin monkey. I read somewhere that their males produce comparatively huge amounts of semen, much of which ends up being a food offering for the female.

(Basically, she uses her hands to scoop up and eat the portion that spills out of her vagina.)

And that’s the origin of the cappuccino.

Pie
Pie
2 years ago

@Moggie

And that’s the origin of the cappuccino.

You’ve ruined them forever. I hope you’re proud of yourself >:-(

Doethreetwoone
Doethreetwoone
2 years ago

All the other awfulness aside, I think “All Hail the Man Splainer & His Splooge” is the funniest thing I will read today. It could be comic gold in other contexts and sounds like what a modern day Beavis would be heard yelling unabashedly on a busy street corner.

And he has definitely tried his own (not that there is anything inherently wrong with that).

Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
2 years ago

Considering all the cultural hype around semen and fellatio and even specifically the taste of semen in fellatio, you’d expect nearly all men to have tasted their own produce. I wonder if this is a taboo subject to discuss, or really something most men just don’t do?

(notwithstanding the relatively few men who get to taste others’ semen)

Alexisagirlsname
Alexisagirlsname
2 years ago

It would at least make more coherent sense if he’d said “I personally have very delicious semen. I know this because I’ve tasted it and it has a distinctly gourmet quality”

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
2 years ago

Of course, he’d only have a valid basis for comparison if he’d tasted that of a sufficient sample of other men.

And even then it would be a self-serving statement … to coin a phrase.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

“To serve man”

OT: Holy shit, photos from the surface of an asteroid!

http://www.hayabusa2.jaxa.jp/en/topics/20180922e/

Awesome work, JAXA!

Monzach
Monzach
2 years ago

@Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)

TMI incoming!

As a bisexual man (don’t all good stories start with those exact words?) I can categorically state that semen does, in fact, usually taste rather bad. Although I do have to admit to basing this on a relatively small sample size (in both meanings of the expression). I’m fairly sure that all the men reading this site are aware of this, but it bears repeating that what you eat during, roughly, the preceding 24 hours effects the taste of semen profoundly. So steer aware from curries and chili, and stick to fruits and veggies. 😉

TMI over, it’s safe to return!

I entirely approve of the top image in this article. It reminds me a lot of the children’s books of my childhood. Also, as an owner and frequent wearer of a malebag, or more correctly, a shoulder bag, or even a male purse (:D), I got a chuckle from the headline.

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
2 years ago

I think Man Splainer needs see a urologist. C’mon, Man Splainer, do it. If you’re capable of building things with your dick…I suspect anatomical damage to it, sooner or later.

BTW, I’m speaking out of genuine concern. I
definitely don’t hate men; in fact, I’m married to one of them.

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
2 years ago

Erm, veggies (most of them) taste terrible, so wouldn’t the resulting spooge do so as well?

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
2 years ago

@Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation:

I wonder how asparagus makes spooge taste. It’s well-known for making people’s urine smell funny.

Alexisagirlsname
Alexisagirlsname
2 years ago

The popular belief is that eating pineapple makes it taste better. I don’t know if that has any basis in fact, though. Maybe Man Splainer could let us in on how much pineapple he’s been having.

Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
2 years ago

Monzach – I recall you’re Finnish so on my own part I’ll just refer to the saying “hand to mouth subsistence” 🙂

I wonder how asparagus makes spooge taste. It’s well-known for making people’s urine smell funny.

Funny? My urine only smells like asparagus after eating asparagus.

“Funny” is how I’d describe the regular taste of my semen, while the mouthfeel is more “icky”. Haven’t tried it with asparagus, though.

bekabot
bekabot
2 years ago

“…this is an ‘argument’ that’s been floating around the manosphere for years, especially popular with PUAs and incels who want to be able to explain away the fact that women often prefer ‘beta’ males over the alpha Chad types that manosphere dogma insists are the only dudes who know how to make the ladies, er, tingle.”

Have said before, will say again: these guys don’t care about men who are popular with women; what they’re interested in is men who are popular with other men. The don’t want to imitate men who turn women on; what they’re interested in following around and copying and parroting and applauding and envying and aiding and assisting are men who turn on other men, or who can give the appearance of doing so. They don’t want to be Chad or wait on him (insofar as that’s what they really do want) because women are into Chad, but because other men are into Chad (or so they think). That’s their actual source of motivation, though they’re not always clear about it themselves, and they have a nasty habit of blaming their listeners for their own confusion.

Monzach
Monzach
2 years ago

Lumipuna

Yup, I’m as Finnish as Karelian pies! 🙂 (That is to say, three of my four grandparents are from the Isthmus of Karelia so…) I also live from hand to mouth, but I make the best out of a bad situation. And that’s one of the reasons why I’m not pursuing any romantic situations right now. 😉

Virgin Mary
Virgin Mary
2 years ago

Busty Heart can destroy civilisation with her boobies!

https://youtu.be/58oum1UmMA8

FelineFinethePunLioness
FelineFinethePunLioness
2 years ago

Oh hai people I’m new
So I hope this mini rant is cool
There’s always this obsession with sweaty fat men and fat women in every manosphere post.
I mean even in posts that have nothing to do with it.
Its weird how much they shoehorn their strange obsession with weight in everything its mind boggling…
Ughhh .

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
2 years ago

@FelineFinethePunLioness
Hi new person. Welcome to the site.

Orion
Orion
2 years ago

Is there some kind of context to the ManSplainers’s post? As weird as the content is, the questions that haunts me is “why did he decide to tell us about this?”

Does he… does he think we don’t know about blowjobs? Does he think the readers of feminist websites somehow haven’t heard of them? I’m not going to take a poll, but I’m pretty sure our readership includes a fair number of both the “bishes” out there giving blowjobs and the manly men receiving them.

And why are blowjobs the future? Surely we can agree that blowjobs are in fact the present. In fact, I’d say we probably hit Peak Blowjob a few years back and will soon enter the decline.

Finally, even assuming that we hadn’t heard, how is it meant to be relevant to the content of this blog? Is the existence of blowjobs a crucial premise to some kind of devastating counter-argument against critique of the alt-right? Inquiring minds want to know.

Tosca, Chaos made Flesh, Servant of the Purring Jew
Tosca, Chaos made Flesh, Servant of the Purring Jew
2 years ago

Cis het woman here. I’m very confused as to why these men seem to think getting oral sex is a power trip for them.

(warning; serious TMI about my sexual tastes).

I really, really like giving head because it’s such a power trip for me. I mean, your dick is between my teeth and you think you’re in charge? Bitch, please.

And I’m good at judging how much stimulation will take you to the edge of orgasm…without tipping you over. You’ll hang there, writhing and moaning, until I decide I’ve had enough of making you beg. Then I’ll allow you an orgasm which will leave you a shattered mess, physically unable to move or even speak for several minutes. I am now in your head for the rest of your life, because you are not going to forget this experience. I might.

I may well not have bothered to take any of my clothes off.

If I sucked your dick, Incels, one of us would be a slithering mess and one of us would be calmly in control of their body and emotions. Cute that you think the calm one would be you.

Full Metal Ox
2 years ago

women s–k d–k because d–k built and maintained all upon the earth.

Behold–one of numerous documented beaver constructions:

http://d1o50x50snmhul.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/24180000/gettyimages-566188109-800×533.jpg

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
2 years ago

@Tosca, Chaos made Flesh, Servant of the Purring Jew

At a guess, they think like Romans, so the only thing that’s important is that their penis went into you. Haha, you were penetrated! The guy wins! Plus, probably, an assumption that you’d be kneeling. Haha, power trip!

Should they express any of this during the act, I trust that the next sound will be a loud crunch, followed by screaming.

Catalpa
Catalpa
2 years ago

Even assuming he did have spunk with the flavour of fresh strawberries, how the hell would the woman find that out as he ejaculates on her tits?

Given the amount this genius seems to know about women, I can only assume that he thinks that women have tastebuds on their breasts, the same way that butterflies have tastebuds on their feet.

Otrame
Otrame
2 years ago

@Full Metal Ox

That was elegantly perfect. Bravo.

—————

Re: Building things with a dick

The (probably very young) idiot may have taken a metaphor a little too literally. I mean, I’ve run across the expression “Hard enough to fuck a hole in a tree,” but I am pretty sure that most woodpeckers are birds.

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
2 years ago

“Building things with a dick…”

So they’ve gotten to experience working with the average general contractor who falls into the proportion of that category who thinks nothing of taking the building materials (whether it’s bathroom fixtures, electrical systems, or the stuff like siding or shingles that are designed to keep the outside on the outside of your house/building), turns off the water at the main connecting your house to the municipal water system, and disappears…all because they didn’t like the complaint about their inability to show up when they say they will, have repeatedly added to the cost that is already over the project contract amount and nothing has been change-ordered or altered in the scope of work from said contract, or how they frequently disappear on the days they do show up only to return with a pronounced sniffle/loss of coordination.

Anyone who has had such an experience during their home reno/remod project or in the employ of such a GC/person would agree, that’s what it’s like to be stuck building things with a dick.

Alexisagirlsname
Alexisagirlsname
2 years ago

Given the amount this genius seems to know about women, I can only assume that he thinks that women have tastebuds on their breasts, the same way that butterflies have tastebuds on their feet.

Humans can taste garlic through their feet.

So maybe if this guy was a foot fetishist with a diet garlicky enough to take down Dracula then a woman might possibly be able to taste his sperm without it ever getting in her mouth. But that would be (a) an implausibly specific scenario and (b) almost certainly not delicious

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
2 years ago

Man Splainer and his sock have a Yandex account. Interesting, because Yandex hosts one of the most notorious Russian troll farm servers. Now I wonder if “men created everything” is some sort of Russian troll talking point designed to radicalize men, disenfranchise women, undermine gender relations, discourage marriage, and ultimately lower the birth rate in the West.

I mean, if I were designing a psyops campaign to weaken an enemy, that might be one of its prongs.

As a talking point, it is a little ironic though. “WE BUILT CIVILIZATION!” …screamed the man hell-bent on tearing down all the progress of the past two hundred years.

Screamed the man longing for the apocalypse to come and sweep it all away.

Mikey
Mikey
2 years ago

I once hit myself with mine the eye; I didn’t like it.

Catalpa
Catalpa
2 years ago

As a talking point, it is a little ironic though. “WE BUILT CIVILIZATION!” …screamed the man hell-bent on tearing down all the progress of the past two hundred years.

Nah, not really. They’re basically the same as a little kid who wasn’t winning 100% of the time at the game, so they are TAKING THEIR BALL AND GOING HOME!