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By David Futrelle
With another month-long-week coming to a close, I thought I would take a few moments to share with you some of the feedback I get from, well, let’s just say these guys aren’t exactly fans.
These are the sorts of comments — some from new would-be commenters, others from long-banned trolls — that I generally don’t let through moderation. But sometimes they are too terrible not to share.
Let’s stat with this dude, who has somehow come to the conclusion that this site is some sort of soyboy shrine to … Noam Chomsky?
I think this is the first time I’ve seen someone try to insult someone else’s intelligence by accusing them of having slightly above-average IQ scores.
Here’s one from a dude whose turns-ons include women crying.
This next guy was evidently convinced that I would be SO devastated by his SICK BURN that he came back several weeks later to post a new iteration of it.
Setting aside this guy’s weird fixation on my alleged sweatiness, this is an “argument” that’s been floating around the manosphere for years, especially popular with PUAs and incels who want to be able to explain away the fact that women often prefer “beta” males over the alpha Chad types that manosphere dogma insists are the only dudes who know how to make the ladies, er, tingle.
Sure on the outside it might seem like a lot of women vastly prefer “betas”over assholes, this argument goes, but really these women are just hiding their secret disgust for them. It’s yet another way for misogynists to wave away all the evidence in plain view that proves their theories about female sexuality are bullshit.
This next guy is s long-banned shitposter who returns again and again to this blog to post comments, many of extraordinary length, that he knows are never going to see the light of day. Unless they are so ridiculously reprehensible that I decide to put them up in a post like this. CW: Rape fantasies, racism, and something that is either a typo or a misfired racist joke.
Lovely.
Here’s another comment from the same guy.
There’s a lot wrong here but let me just say a word about that last bit of bullshit. We don’t actually get “men last in the life bots.” Yes, more than a hundred years ago, women (and rich people generally) were first in line for the Titanic lifeboats. But even then “women and children first” was never a standard evacuation policy. Ever been on a plane? When the flight attendants explain the procedures for an “emergency landing” do they ever mention putting women first? Because how would that even work?
But I digress. There are more important issues to consider. Like semen. In particular, Mr. Man Splainer’s delicious, semen — which in addition to providing a tasty snack can apparently also be used to BUILD CIVILIZATION ITSELF.
I’m going to end this MALEBAG here, because, seriously, nothing in any of the other comments I’ve still got stored in the moderation queue is going to beat “women suck dick because dick built and maintained all upon the earth.”
As someone with a penis, I would like to state quite clearly that I have never used it, nor intend to ever use it, to build anything. I mean, aside from the clear pain factor, it’s just not that practical. You can’t exactly hammer in a nail with it.
I mean, I suppose that given soft enough soil, you could maybe dig a bit of a hole with a penis, assuming it was erect? But that seems a bit impractical.
Besides, the logic doesn’t work. I’m sure the fetish exists, but as far as I know there’s not a huge number of women out there who suck hammers because hammers help to build things. And paint may help to maintain my walls, but I don’t have an erotic fixation on it for that reason. For that matter, why aren’t all the men sucking dick as well?
(Yes, yes, I know that logic is among their very many not-strong suits.)
The future is…bishies?
The future is pretty boys giving manly men blow jobs?
Ah, the old ‘Birkenhead Drill’ myth. Not sure you can call something a ‘policy’ that appears to have occurred only twice in recorded history.
This is an opportunity though for me to once again mention my favourite Titanic fact that, as originally designed, it had enough lifeboats for everyone, but they were removed for safety reasons.
(Which did make sense at the time)
Dear Man Splainer,
Where do gay men like me fit into your worldv….actually, I dont wanna know.
Let women fen for themselves? He wants us to make our own marshlands? Do manly men make fens and give them to women or something? No one offered me a fen before. Should I feel insulted?
CN for child sexual abuse:
I wonder when Trump is going to defend this guy in solidarity?
https://www.mprnews.org/story/2018/09/21/knoblach-ends-campaign-amid-abuse-allegations
The worst part of the story?
Apparently from now on anytime a Republican is accused of sexual assault or harassment it’s going to be a political conspiracy.
All right, boys, one at a time. Line up for your spankings, I’ve got my paddle ready for your sorry behinds…
Mr. Ikeman: Who here is trying to be the next Noam Chomsky? You? You fail. Also, 105 is ABOVE AVERAGE IQ. (Pretty sure you’re well below that, since you lack reading comprehension.)
BruceTheJuice: Thanks so much for letting us know you’re a wanker. Sorry to disappoint you, but no matter what happens, this leftist woman won’t be crying, let alone on camera. I’ll be laying impotence curses on every man who looks at me cross-eyed. Your dick will have to deal with lasting limpness, ha ha. (Pretty sure Brett “Date Raper” K and his creepy accomplice won’t be seeing much action from women in their respective sorry lives, either, because I’m gonna lay a life-long whammy on them both, and one that no amount of boner pills will fix.)
Subpooper/Subwoofer: Thanks so much for letting us know you whack off to videos of fat sweaty dudes in your spare time. Please just go do that and don’t bother trolling, because you suck at it.
ManTerrupter/Masculine Achievements (ha!) and Man Splainer: Thanks so much for letting us know that you don’t know what’s going on in South Africa, or even in your own neck of the woods. We can fend (with a lowercase d) for ourselves just fine without your silly sausage getting in our way, thanks. Also, thanks for letting us know that you love racist porn and whack off to it constantly. And that you fantasize that your ‘shroom can build things. If it could, don’t you think you’d be out there riveting a skyscraper together with your dick, instead of wasting your precious bodily fluids on dumb sexual fantasies that you think will make us do anything but point and laugh at you?
@Ikarikid: I think I saw a yaoi manga about that.
Maybe somebody inferred way too much from seeing that video of Rufus Hound smashing eggs with a hammer taped to his penis?
(You can easily find it with the information in the above sentence if you’re curious …)
I am a wetland biologist, and totally capable of fenning for myself, having spent many hours of my life standing in marshes, walking in marshes, sitting in marshes, and restoring marshes.
And WWTH, I hope someone offers you a fen of your own soon. You have been too long deprived. I for one would vote for the first candidate who promised a fen for every woman – and I would show up on his/her doorstep to make sure that campaign promise was kept.
The last one seems to be written by a 12 year old. Give it some time and it might end up being the manosphere version of the Navy SEAL pasta.
There’s a miniature fen at the edge of the park by my house. Sometimes my dog drags over me to it. So I guess I have been given a fen. By a girl dog though.
@wwth
You should find a man who will build you a fen with his mighty dick!
On that note: after reading rabid rabbits musings I now have to find something to bribe my bf with to get him to try and dig a hole with his dick. For science!
Thanks for the laughs; I appreciate the occasional light post.
As for the penis as any kind of tool, said the elephant unto Adam, ‘How do you expect to feed yourself with that ?’
(Shaking my head as I walk happily towards a future created by HUMAN BEINGS, as opposed to dicks, cocks or any other term used to refer to the male reproductive organ.) They never learn, do they?
Oh, and to all male persons who labor under the delusion that the penis is such a powerful organ, a strong representation of manliness, and the justification, for those owning one, for the manly “rights” to rape, kill, pillage and generally turn a lovely little world into a combination killing field/toxic waste dump/toilet and, seemingly, limitless collection of resources just waiting for the right men to destroy it all for their fun and profit, just remember this:
Your oh-so-strong and manly thingie can, with one well-aimed kick, have you utterly helpless. And, like it or not, when it comes right down to it, you need us a lot more than we need you. Think on that as you contemplate all the lovely things you have planned for the future of womankind and the world. The day is coming when we will remember OUR strength and take back this world, with the help of REAL men, for our children. And that day is very, very soon.
Kissy-kissy,
A woman who has reached that point
More importantly, I’m concerned about this line from the same guy
That’s not how tasting things works! Even assuming he did have spunk with the flavour of fresh strawberries, how the hell would the woman find that out as he ejaculates on her tits? I mean, I suppose she could taste it afterwards, but why is she moaning at it’s deliciousness in the moment, before she could possibly know?
Mr Titspunk there has been watching too much porn. Or did he mean “moans” in the sense of “complaints”?
Jeez, Man Splainer types like he’s a 13 year old who just learned about blowjobs or something.
Man Splainer may be a Capuchin monkey. I read somewhere that their males produce comparatively huge amounts of semen, much of which ends up being a food offering for the female.
(Basically, she uses her hands to scoop up and eat the portion that spills out of her vagina.)
If Man Splainer ever actually engaged in any sort of sexual activity with any woman, I am the Emperor of Japan. Ohayoo to all my subject-chans! 😉
Lumipuna:
And that’s the origin of the cappuccino.
@Moggie
You’ve ruined them forever. I hope you’re proud of yourself >:-(
All the other awfulness aside, I think “All Hail the Man Splainer & His Splooge” is the funniest thing I will read today. It could be comic gold in other contexts and sounds like what a modern day Beavis would be heard yelling unabashedly on a busy street corner.
And he has definitely tried his own (not that there is anything inherently wrong with that).
Considering all the cultural hype around semen and fellatio and even specifically the taste of semen in fellatio, you’d expect nearly all men to have tasted their own produce. I wonder if this is a taboo subject to discuss, or really something most men just don’t do?
(notwithstanding the relatively few men who get to taste others’ semen)